Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?!

Yesterday, I decided to test my rule about being to the office no later than 9:05 (8:30 is the goal).

What?!?! That's a brand spanking new rule. Why would you do that?

Well. Here's the thing. I don't know. I guess I wanted to test Hubby's resolve. I know. Bad idea. So why did I do it?

I had a lot of thoughts run through my head yesterday morning. "Would he do it? Would he really spank me?" "Really really?" "Would it be like previous corrective actions (prior to our ttwd restart)? A few measured out swats and that's it?" "Or it could be the worst spanking of your life!" "He probably won't do it." "He might..." I checked the implement drawer. Everything was in place. He hadn't taken the cane with him; the promised corrective action implement. "He's not gonna do it." Later I checked the video cameras we have set up at my business. He was there at my assistant's desk working. "He's not even in his office! I would've shown up and he wouldn't have been there. Well, screw him! He never had any intention of going through with it." "Do you really want to test this?" "Yes. Yes I do."

Thoughts continued to roll around inside my thick skull; my angel and devil duking it out on my shoulders. I checked the time. I had 10 minutes to get there. "Plenty of time if you leave now." "Does it even matter?" "You should try anyway" "No! I promised the MIL I would get her nails done today and I have to get them done early so I can pick up the kids. I'm gonna get my nail stuff together. He's not even gonna notice...big jerk head." I decided to go take care of my ticket from the collision I caused. Careless driving. $166 plus whatever the charge to get to take the class, which is a whole other charge. On the drive over, I got a little scared. "You should've at least stopped by. What if you get spanked really Really HARD?" "Nah. He's too busy to deal with me. He probably won't even remember. I think it's safe to say this rule is not getting enforced."

I got a phone call from Hubby at 10. I had just gotten back in the car from the courthouse. He asked where I was. I told him I was just leaving the courthouse. Technically, I lied. Yeah. You know that thing I said I wouldn't do? I actually had been in the parking lot for about 5 minutes playing Candy Crush (Stupid addictive game). Little, itty bitty, teensy weensy, inconsequential, LIE. "Why did you lie?" "I don't know...Shut Up!" I reminded him that i needed to take care of that ticket.

Hubby: Oh yeah. You had to get that done first thing this morning, right?
Me: Well, no...I coulda stopped by...Umm...yes. I had to get it done today.
Hubby: Could you pick me up an Amp on the way to the shop? I only had one cup of coffee and I'm dragging.
Me: Sure.

"I answered him. So what if it wasn't exactly accurate?" "Well now if your pants light on fire from that spanking your going to get for lying, don't blame me!" "Shut. Up!" Yes, I needed to get it done today. Yes, I could've checked into the office first as requested, and done so on time. But my little devil and I were too busy high-fiving to care and Hubby didn't seem to care either. "So there!" *Angel shakes head but gives up and walks away*

I expected at least a little warning about consequences to come. Maybe the tiniest hint? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Would he make me come home for a lunchtime correction? Not enough time to even have lunch together, let alone take care of business. Do I want a spanking? Well, not really. I would much rather be good for Hubby. But I just can't help but test him. At least until I know he will back it up with action. And by action, I mean, make me NEVER EVER want to disobey him again. I need those boundaries; that reassurance that he's paying attention. To know that he'll catch me when I fall and that he'll not let me get away with anything when I fail, especially when I'm testing him.

So there you have it. That's why I did what I did and didn't do what I was supposed to. So what happened? Well...

Nothing. 

Not a word about it. We had a great, uneventful, quiet night. We made love and it was wonderful as always. But no follow-through.

This morning, I have a choice. I can be there as expected, or I can listen to that devil again and do my own thing. "Ugh! I hate these stupid choices." "Really you should try."

Hubby: 8:30? (said with a hint of a warning as he was on his way to take the kids to school)
Me: (grumbling in the affirmative-maybe-unwilling-crankiness)

After he left, I got up and checked the implement drawer. Everything is still in place...

(((hugs)))

TnT Brings on a New Rule

All I can say right now is ouch. Every time I sit down. Ouch! This was a TnT to remember. I couldn't believe how much there was to go over even though we had just talked a few days before. Hubby is getting the hang of wearing his HoH hat. Well...I did ask for it...

This TnT session is brought to you by the letter Ow and the number...I lost count.

When Hubby has a mind to, he can get downright talkative. If it weren't for the fact that he makes so much sense... Those swats can really get to a girl after a while. While I didn't cry this time, I surely wanted to by the end of it. I even thought I might need more and he gladly assisted. Yeah...I don't know what I was thinking.

Our topics of discussion were:

Projects: Surprise, surprise! I spent the better part of last week cleaning up after my last project, the bedroom painting. The bedroom looks great by the way. Unfortunately, the contents of it spilled over into the dining area. I was instructed to clean that up as well as the rest of the dining room just for good measure. I did not do that without complaint however. But he's just  happy that it got done. The takeaway from this? No more big projects without proper planning. Divide the project into smaller ones so it will get done eventually without messes left behind.

Procrastination: What? Who? Me? Ha! Okay. Okay!... I procrastinate like it's an olympic sport. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of people counting on me. My employees need me to keep things going. My family depends on me working. And we've got a big thing coming up soon and not much time to get stuff together. No more procrastinating! To that end, a new rule; I am to be up and out of the house by 8:30, 9 at the latest. But don't I dare wait until 9 to leave because I am to check into Hubby's office (he owns his own business as well and has an office space to himself) no later than 9:05. If I am late, I get greeted by the cane (because it's quiet and won't alert the neighbors). I'm thinking being late would be a baaaaaad idea.

Deception: Yes, we needed to address the deception I tried to hide over the project. I was supposed to move everything out of the room except the furniture. That way, when it was getting painted, there wouldn't be a whole lot to trip over. Also, the idea was to move out and then move back in. Well that's not what I did. But I tried to conceal that fact. What I did was move everything to the center of the room. I tried to put everything on the bed and what didn't fit was shoved next to it. I felt horrible about trying to deceive him. The fact that it was a purposeful act made me feel all the more guilty. How do we deal with guilt? That's right. Bring on the closer! OUCH! I will not try to conceal, lie, or otherwise deceive Hubby. I am to be honest about all things. Period. Guilt gone? For the most part. When I think about what I did I feel so ashamed. I keep asking myself "Why?" but I don't have the answer. What was I thinking? I don't know. I hope I never do it again. The lying needs to stop. I don't know where it came from or why it continues, but I have got to start being completely honest. And it's little things. It's not like I'm trying to hide something terrible. I've been doing this since before ttwd, so it's not like it's a new thing. Do you catch yourself in lies? What do you do about it?

Glad that's over. Let's hope I make it to his office in time!

(((hugs)))

Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want

Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

Someone Else's Kids + Download

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. It started out okay from what I remember  I was pretty excited because we just had a business meeting, and while I was still unsure of where I was going with it, I still got some really good advice.

Since the lunch meeting was concluded by 1:10, I knew I would be early to my 2pm therapist appointment. This would be the first time ever I would be early/on time! I was jazzed. But then it happened...

The railroad crossing lights started flashing. Some cars sped up, some slowed. I, who am used to being late, forgot that I had plenty of time to spare and flipped over into aggressive driver mode.

I assumed the woman in front of me was going to punch it, and in preparation for that move, I too started to accelerate with a quickness. She stopped short. I slammed on my breaks, but it was too late. I slammed into her. And lest I neglect to mention it, I had my phone in my hand at the time of the accident.

I was not texting. I was trying to call a company and couldn't figure out why I was getting this weird message. I think that at the split second that I had to react to impending collision, I was lost in a thought while looking at my phone. Now, before you start yelling at me, just know that I have been properly chastised by many in the ttwd community already. Read the rest of the post, and you will see why this will NEVER EVER happen again.

Her Car

My car (after I put the center pieces back in)

As you can see by the pics, the damage was minimal. My van was more damaged than her car. A little trading of paint. I have a few cracks in the bumper. Did I mention she was driving a brand new 2013 Mercedes? Yeah... I am not sure I could've hit a more expensive car.

She was so sweet about the whole thing. Both of us were shook up. We ended up hugging. I felt so bad. She knew she stopped short. I knew I was following too close. I didn't mention the phone. I did get a ticket for careless driving. In order to keep the points off my record, I have to do a 4 hour online class. I've done this class before, and let me tell you, it is painful. They have a timer, so you can't just test and get it over with. You have to sit at your computer for 4 full hours. The last time I got a ticket, it was for speeding, and I think the cop was full of it but there's no fighting the cops in our town. They get paid overtime to show up to court and it's always their word against ours. Thankfully, this accident happened a few towns over and the cop was really nice.

You would think that the accident would've been enough to make me never want that stupid phone in my hand while driving again, but no. I didn't think twice when texting someone later on. It's become such a habit, that who knows how much time I spend on my phone while driving. But it didn't seem to matter to me, and that really bothered me.

Hubby hinted at a spanking later, but he wasn't really serious. When I spoke with him about the situation, he said that the same thing could've happened to him. He wasn't so happy to hear that the incident didn't change my behavior. I felt guilty as hell. As we spoke, I could feel the weight of my errors crushing me. I started to cry. I told him I felt really guilty about it and he offered to help me with a spanking. I agreed.

He started with the cane, which really surprised me, but this was serious spanking. He lectured me on how he needed me and the kids needed me. He couldn't lose me over something as stupid as a phone. He switched to the "closer" and said the one thing that made it all clear to me, "What if it were someone else's kids you killed because you were being careless?" I completely lost it. My life doesn't mean as much as it should to me. But to kill someone else's kids? Because I wanted to check my email? That was the clencher. And that is why I will NEVER EVER do it again. The spanking hurt. The words hurt worse.

My phone now has a designated cubby in the car where it will be the entire time I am driving. If I need to look at something, check for directions, make a phone call, or text someone, I can pull over and get my phone out. There are plenty of parking lots around and no excuses.

Furthermore, I made a lock-screen wallpaper for my phone. Any time I push a button to wake it up, the picture there is enough to catch my attention. I am sharing it with you so if you would like, you can use it on your phone. I can alter it for you if you would like, just email me. Here's how it looks on my phone:

And here is the pic you can copy for yours:

Please trust me that this will never happen again. I am so sorry about it. And I have paid, and will continue to pay for a while to come, the price for my poor decisions. I will never do it again. And I hope that if you have this habit, that you will take into consideration what is at stake here. It's not just your life, or the lives of your family, but other's too. If that lady didn't have her foot on the brake, I could've pushed her into the path of an oncoming train. I know this. My eyes are open, and from now on, they are on the road, not on my stupid phone.

And if for some reason I backslide, my phone will be taken away from me and replaced with a flip phone that has no access to anything. But trust me, this won't happen. My phone will always remind me that it's a bad idea.

Please be kind in your comments. I'm already sorry.

(((hugs)))

Crushing, Overwhelming Guilt and I Need Advice

My guilt...my sins are many. I have been miserable to live with. I have thought and said things that are inexcusable. Hubby, the shining beacon of a perfect husband that he is (No, I'm not being facetious. He really is that incredible and I don't deserve him.), carries no record of wrongs. But as each minute passes. I remember more and more of my transgressions.

I am being crushed under the weight of the knowledge of what I've done. I feel sick. I know what I need to do but I seem unwilling to do it. I need to cry. A lot. That's the only way, I think, I can let go of it all and forgive myself. But I just can't. I've done too much. I've broken all the rules I said I never would. I disrespected him to his face and behind his back. I was rude to him. I distanced myself from him. I stopped touching him. I withdrew intimacy. I pushed him away. I was dishonest. I lied. A lot. Mostly about where I was, especially if I was running late. I defied his authority. I decided that I was in charge of myself and he could go f*** himself (and yes, I muttered that under my breath on more than one occasion). I disobeyed him. I didn't want to do anything that I didn't want to do and he couldn't make me. I didn't care what effect my actions had on him. But the worst thing I did, in my own mind, was take back my vows. I never said it out loud. But I thought it. I wanted to rip that picture off the wall I made of the cloud version of my vows and toss it. I also looked at the very dusty box of implements and decided that that was never going to happen again so I may as well toss them in the garbage. I didn't. But I wanted to.

Yes, that's right. I was willing to throw it all away. I just didn't care. And while it was the hormones that made me this way, I am still responsible for my actions. I chose to not reign myself in, but to happily ignore how my actions affected others. I chose to let things get bad. I chose to not care. So while Hubby forgives me completely, saying to himself all those months "That's not my wife", I have to face up to the fact that it was partially me. It's the me that I keep in check most of the time, until, due to hormones, I couldn't.

This is the way I feel. Right, wrong, or indifferent, these are my feelings and I have the right to have them. But with that said, I need advice. What do I do with these feelings? How do I get them out of me? How do I forgive myself? HELP?!?! I can't stand the constant ache in my chest. What do I do?

(((hugs)))

Lucy! You Got Some ‘Splainin’ to do!

Oh goodness...where to even start...

First off, I apologize for going AWOL and not responding to anything or anyone. It was never my intention to abandon everyone and everything. I am so sorry. Now let me 'splain...

In October, I got a Mirena IUD put in to control my menstrual bleeding. The Mirena contains a small amount of progesterone which releases constantly, keeping the uterine lining to thin to support a pregnancy. But I didn't get it for birth control. I couldn't get pregnant anyway because I have PCOS and it would require surgery to drill holes in my ovaries as well as medication to encourage ovulation. I just needed to not bleed half to death every month. My monthly thing was keeping me trapped in my home for 3 days at a time. I was going to have an endometrial ablation, but thought the Mirena would be less invasive and definitely less expensive. Boy was I wrong!

Since getting the Mirena, I did nothing but spot constantly and my attitude changed completely. The little bit of hormone in the IUD caused me to become a complete B! I could feel the changes, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was a prisoner.

And then it got worse. The world was spiraling out of control. I became further and further detached from people. The only comfort I could feel was that of snuggling my children. I started going to school and, even though I promised I would work 3 days a week, I didn't. I lied more. I held back. I took offense. I justified. I became angry. I ignored. I was an insensitive, self-absorbed B. Hubby and I actually got into a fight, and we NEVER fight. He's called my by my name instead of my nickname more times than I can count. I totally deserved a hide tanning literally every day. But he put up with me. He didn't demand anything. Yet he definitely got the short end of the deal. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing what I've done more and more. It's been horrible. So many times he lamented that he wanted his wife back.

The fix? Well, remove the damn thing! Right? Uht-oh... Houston, we have a problem! The string that is attached to the IUD has disappeared. The doctor couldn't find it. No string? No fix. Ugh! What's the next step? Surgery. Oh yay. Plans were made to surgically remove the IUD, do a D & C, do the ablation, and then tie my tubes (just in case). It was going to be expensive. But we were willing to do anything at this point. We had some financial hiccups, being that it was a new year and that meant I had to pay a $2500 deductible. And then a friend at school suggested that I look into doing the LSH procedure. This would remove my uterus and keep my ovaries and cervix in tact. Sounded great to me.

I did worry about the finality of it all. No uterus means no chance of pregnancy. Even though I wasn't planning on having any more kidlets, I wasn't planning on not being able to  either. I know that doesn't make a whole lotta sense. But I couldn't get pregnant anyway, right? Well not without serious medical intervention, no. But there was the chance. Enter the understanding of levels of finality. Getting an ablation meant no more bleeding, most likely. Having my tubes tied meant no eggs getting fertilized, but it could be reversed. But once they take out your uterus, there is no reversing that. It final. Zero chance. And I thought I would grieve that.

I had the surgery on March 5th. Today I feel like my old self. I have such a mixture of emotions. First of all, I'm horny as all get out. Holy cow! When is the last time I had sex anyway? Second, I'm sorry. My heart hurts for all the hurt I caused. I have been apologizing to everyone all day, beginning with Hubby. If I could get a spanking today, I would gladly take it. I deserve it. But recovery is a long process and it will be a couple weeks before that can happen. Third, I want to make amends. I want to please Hubby. I want to start doing things right again.

Of course, all this means that I am back. No more ignoring my blog and all the friends that I've made. I'm so sorry to all of you for abandoning and ignoring you. It won't happen again. I promise.

(((hugs)))

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 

I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   

You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  

Big jerk...

Discount Spanking

I have always gotten off easy. Until now, all my spankings have been for the purposes of erotica/stress relief. We had a couple of trial "reminder" spankings that consisted of 3-4 swats each side and it was painful, but that's been it. It was then decided that this whole thing was a bit confusing. Both of us needed more definition regarding rules and guidelines. I outlined what I thought followed the general principles of ttwd (emphasis on "we"). It's more of a list of categories. I'm not posting it here, but you can leave your email in a comment or email me and I will send you what I wrote out.  Hubby was pretty happy with it and we agreed that it will work for us.

I had broken major rule on Friday. I lied about something. I'm not sure why I did it, but this has become a disturbing trend for me. Hubby found out about the lie yesterday. Nothing was said until I sent him the new rule setup and explained to him that I knew I had broken a big rule, so I suggested that if he wanted to, he could take care of the infraction later. But there was a problem. I had received some news about my brother that set me off in a panic. I ended up at my therapist's for an emergency session. Some things I can deal with. This was bad enough that it wrecked my world. Let's just say he's gonna need a really good lawyer.

Hubby didn't worry about taking care of the infraction, even though I offered myself. He said that he just wanted to hold me. Seriously I can hear y'all "Awwww!"-ing from here. Lol.

One of my rules is that I am to be ready to leave the house by 8 am. Whether we are meeting to work out together or I just have to go to work, I am to be wherever I'm supposed to be at a decent time. On days we don't work out, I have to be to work by 8:30.

This morning I didn't even get into the shower until 8. He came in and warned me that I was already getting spanked, how much was dependent on how late I was to work. Well, I was 5 minutes late. Add to that the infraction from Friday, and I was in deep doodoo.

But since this was my first technical punishment spanking corrective action, I was given a discounted spanking, as he called it. I would receive 60% off the morning lateness, but add in 20% for the extra 5 minutes I was late. Then I got 80% off the big infraction. In total, that's 5 swats each side. That 67% off the original total. Am I lucky or what?!?!

He knows he was easy on me. He said not to expect discounts every spanking. I think because this was the first official corrective action, he was reluctant. He doesn't want to punish me. He doesn't like doing it. But from what I've heard, it won't be long before he is punishing with gusto. I have read it several places that once he sees what it does for me, for us, and for our family, that he will be less reserved.

Is this your experience?

A Drunk by Morning, the Tooth Fairy by Night

Yeah! You read that right! I was DRUNK this morning. Be forewarned: This part of the post contains TMI material. It's girlie issues, so read at your own risk.

About 5 weeks ago, I went to see my OB/GYN to get an IUD placed. The IUD is not for birth control. I have fertility issues that prevent pregnancy. It's to help control heavy menstrual bleeding. My period lasts 7 days and the first 3 I can hardly leave the house. The IUD should vastly lessen my period within 6 months. Yay!

So I went to get the IUD placed the first time and they couldn't get it in. My body should really be for the record books for the amount of things that should work but don't and vice versa. They even tried moving me to the ultrasound room so they could look inside as they were inserting it. It was an absolutely painful no-go. That is one of the worst pains ever (comparable to the time I got a cortisone shot in my ear drum). I was screaming to the point that the doctor finally stopped, I think so I wouldn't scare his other patients.

It took 5 weeks to get another appointment. We had joked after the first attempts failed that it would be better if I had pain relief, or maybe even was drunk. Well, it so turned out that Hubby is far, far away and can't help me with the kids, so I couldn't take any meds because they would knock me out for the whole day (Valium and Xanax don't work on me anyway, so I would have to take Lorazepam). My only other option was to get drunk and I would be fine in a couple hours. I asked the nurse about it and she said it would be fine as long as someone else was driving. Well duh! I may be disobedient at times, but I'm not an idiot.

This morning I showed up to work with a fifth of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) in hand and sat down with the crew while I drank. One of my employees was nice enough to take me to my appointment. It seemed so wrong to be drunk when it was still daylight. I usually reserve that sort of behavior for after the kids go to bed. I got in to my appointment and while it still hurt like the dickens, it's in and all is well. Apparently I have a wicked 90° angle they had to maneuver.

Confession: I decided to drink an iced grande salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) and a coke after all was done. My reasoning was 2 fold; 1, I haven't had caffeine in several days, so it would help keep me awake after I came down from my drunken bliss. I couldn't afford to fall asleep at work. And 2, I'm not having any tomorrow and I'm not picking up the habit addiction again. It's not like I'm going to ever have need to drink that early in the day again and not have help with the kids. Yes, I've told Hubby about it already. He's okay with it, although he thinks I could've found other means to stay awake. I'm not sure what other means he means, but pinching myself or trying to stand up and type wouldn't have worked. I would have just driven home and napped and gotten absolutely nothing done and our employees wouldn't get paid and they would be mad at me. I stand by my decision. That's all I have to say about that...

The day went by fast and I had to get the kids and go back to work. Then we got a pizza and went home to do homework. After all the kiddos got to video-chat with Daddy, they played in their rooms while I had my chat. A blood curdling scream came out of the bedroom. The boy had helped the girl do a flip on his bed and she landed face first into the wooden bed rail. Her eye blackened almost immediately. I applied arnicare to it, so hopefully that will help. The boy has had his 2 front top teeth loose for a very long time. Unlike his sister, he refused to fuss with them at all. But they have a habit of coming out on their own eventually. Today he was showing everyone how far back it would go. I offered to take it out for him (something Hubby would never do because it grosses him out) and he finally acquiesced. It took just a couple firm pulls and it was out. Tonight, I am the Tooth Fairy!

                                        

The kicker in all this? It's picture day tomorrow. Yep...My kiddos, one with a black eye and the other with a missing tooth, are getting their school pictures done tomorrow. Doesn't it figure? We're going for the backwoods redneck look this year. Oh boy...

(((hugs)))

The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.

Confessions:

I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...

(((hugs)))

TTWD: Quarterly Inventory Report

Well, it all started with Stormy's post, then Kate chimed in, and then Lillie did it too, so now I have to also. It just makes sense to take a ttwd inventory so I can remember all the changes.

It's the start of Q4 and my blog turned 2 months old on September 6th. The past 2 months have been a red-bottomed, emotionally-charged, life-altering roller coaster. I've gone from what I thought I wanted, to wanting what everyone else had, to learning about my needs, to this thing we didn't do and then did do sort of, to this thing that WE do. It's a work in progress.

The biggest thing that I've learned is that I have a severe lack of patience, as evident by all my whiny posts about not getting my way. Also I am selfish. These are things I will continue to work on. Ttwd is not something that I do alone. Hubby is in it with me 100%. But I spent the first month and a half trying to force it. It doesn't work that way. Hubby has shown great patience and understanding with me. He's started taking the HoH role very seriously. And he is not letting me get away with much anymore.

What has changed?

My attitude towards Hubby

Submissive: It was suggested several times, and great advice by the way, that I change my attitude to be more submissive to Hubby. Instead of expecting him to make me be submissive, I needed to show him that I can be submissive, and moreover that I want to. And I truly want to. I'm not always good at it, but it's a work in progress.

Selfless: I have been entirely too selfish over the years. Sex was always about me and my needs. If I didn't get my big O during our time together, then he "owed" me. I was being childish and selfish. It became difficult for Hubby to want to make love, not because he couldn't, but because I was pushing him all the time about it. Sex happened maybe once a month. I was overbearing and he didn't like it. He wanted a romantic approach. I don't do romance. I just want to f**k. I know, it's total role reversal when it comes to sex. But let me tell you, sex is amazing now. It doesn't matter if I have an orgasm. The intense spanking, Hubby taking me, the passion, the kissing...it's all wonderful and amazing. And sometimes, I just pleasure him and I don't even think about "my turn". I really don't care. I feel free and loved and wanted and cared for, and because of all of that, I am able to give more.

To work on: Honesty, Obedience, Patience

My attitude towards myself

Forgiven: Forgiving myself will always be a struggle, but I can see where I need to and I can work on it and I can feel the difference when I allow myself to go there. I feel like Hubby never held anything against me, even though I held it against myself. He's incredibly forgiving and more than willing to put it behind us, to forget. I drag myself through the ringer a few times and then it sits there in the corner collecting dust, like all my other sins. I will eventually pull them out, dust them off, and beat myself with them as one of my many failures. But no more. I can't change the past. I can only do my best with the future and when I screw up, own up to it, correct it, and move on.

To work on: Procrastination, Motivation, Health

My attitude towards children/work/home

Not much has changed yet. I still let my children run all over me because I'm too lazy to be consistent. I don't get to work on time most of the time. My house is a disaster. I'm hoping for change in the next quarter.

To work on: Consistency, Motivation, Expediency, Organization

So there you have it... What will the next quarter have in store? I don't know but I'm looking forward to it!

How's your inventory looking? (((hugs)))

Arnica and the Assopractor

Hubby and I like to see the chiropractor. There is nothing like an adjustment to have you standing taller and feeling looser. So when Hubby said my spanking was going to be more like an adjustment from the chiropractor, I jokingly said that he's my ass-opractor. Well, I think it stuck. He is my adjuster and he is very good at it. Yesterday morning I was singing all the way to work. "I've got sunshiiiiiiine on a cloudy day!" Yep. I was definitely well adjusted.

I was also not bruised or sore in the least bit. Arnicare, the brand of arnica gel available at most drugstores, is a MIRACLE. I could not believe that something so...well...homeopathic...could work so well. I am amazed every time we use it. That's not to say I use it all the time. There are times, especially in the beginning, when I liked to feel the after effects the next day as a reminder that Hubby truly cares about me. But since most of our spankings are adjustments, erotic, and/or motivating, there hasn't been much need in me for that.

Now for a confession. Ugh. Season 3 of The Vampire Diaries came out on Netflix yesterday. We watched the first 2 seasons together, totally sucked (no pun intended) into the 9021ohI'mgonnasuckyourblood of it all. I personally think Ian Somerhalder is quite yummy, even though he's got an almost unibrow thing going on. Goodness gracious, Damon and Elena be a couple already. The sexual tension is killing me!

Okay, back to my confession. So Hubby said he doesn't care if I watch the entire season 3 while he's gone for the next 2 weeks. Oh yeah, did I mention that he'll be gone for the NEXT 2 WEEKS?!?! He's got a business thing he has to do across the country. We are going to miss him terribly. Argh...

What was that? Oh yes... Hubby said I could watch season 3 while he is away, but only 2 episodes a night. He doesn't want me to stay up too late, especially since I am the one who has to get up with the kids and take them to school and go work out and go to work, etc. Well last night I kinda watched 3 episodes. My justification was 3-fold really. 1. Hubby hasn't left yet. 2. Hubby was throwing up last night and went to bed early. 3. Ummm...Well I know I had a third one but I can't remember it.

When he asked about it this morning, I totally told him the truth, along with my justifications, and he bought it. He just laughed. I fell asleep through the third episode. I didn't get to bed until midnight 30. But he's here, so it's okay, right? The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that Hubby let's me off way too easy sometimes. I don't disobey very often and when I do, I'm pretty good at justifying it. But my justifications for last night weren't very good. And I knew I was being disobedient when I did it. After a couple glasses of wine, my justifications sounded good enough to me. I'm literally shaking my head at myself right now.

Which brings me to the "ritual" of our spankings. Lillie had, on her previous blog, wondered if any of us had a ritual that goes along with ttwd. Well I'm not sure if what we have is a ritual or not, but it typically goes something like this: I am laying on the bed, in various states of undress. Hubby rolls me over onto my tummy if I'm not their already. He starts a warm up with his hand. It's usually very light and increases in intensity. He likes to see how far he can push me (and I like it too). He brings out an implement, usually the "motivator" (leather paddle) or the hairbrush or the spoon, or a combination of them. He spanks me on one cheek until I'm squirming and kicking and just about screaming. He massages it and then starts spanking the other cheek until he reaches the desired result. We go a few rounds and then we get very passionate.

Usually after we are done, he'll ask me about the spanking. Was it the right intensity? Was it too long? Too short? Too thudy? Yesterday he told me that he has become a pretty good gauge of the strength he has to use to produce the desired results. His strength on a scale from 1-10, is usually around a 1.5-2. I was in shock when he told me that. I can't imagine what a corrective spanking would feel like. My guess is that it would hurt a lot. I would probably cry. And I would never want to get in trouble again.

I know the days of corrective spankings are coming. It's only a matter of time as we evolve in ttwd (or DM - Domestic Motivation), or so I've heard. Over and over I've read of husbands unwilling to take on HOH and discipline at first, and then after they see the results they are "all in". So I know it's coming. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what we have...our version of ttwd, my Assopractor, and arnica.

(((hugs)))

I am so Sorry and The 3-4 Day Cruise

First, I would like to apologize to Hubby. I am so sorry I have been impatient and disrespectful. I have completely lacked the understanding of your situation. You are right. You've spent all these years thinking one way and I need to give you more than just a couple days to change that thinking. You are a bright and determined and helpful man. I need to be patient and respectful. I need to not call you out in public. I need to not accuse you of things that aren't true. I am truly sorry for my behavior. I will talk to you about problems first. I will not bring them up to others until I do so. I know now that not only do you read the links I send you, but you read my blog as well. I am sorry I accused you otherwise. I didn't know and I should've asked first. I haven't been the submissive wife I should be and I will make an effort to change that, just as you are making efforts to be the HoH. I am sorry I was defiant. I am sorry I was disobedient. I am sorry I was disrespectful. I am sorry I distanced myself. I am grateful you can see the changes in me as I work to better myself. As I said, I don't know who this person is that I am now, but she's better than I used to be before I started making these changes. I love you so much. Thank you for your understanding and for calling me out. Thank you for not settling for "I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone." You stood your ground and made me talk to you instead letting me shut down and clam up for a week. You held me as I cried and cried and cried. You are amazing and I am sorry if I lead anyone to think otherwise.

Second, I would like to apologize to all of my readers. I was wrong. Hubby said that you all gave me very good advice. He thinks I have very good friends here and he doesn't want me to sever these connections. He does, however want me to take 3-4 days off from blogging and reading blogs to focus on what is important. He told me my blog title should be "Taking a Cruise" because I would be gone from here that long. I also apologize for anything I said that might have lead you to believe that my husband is something other than the wonderful man that he is. I am the one at fault here. He was even so gracious as to not be angry with me for the things I accused him of. He is so loving and I have no excuse for my behavior. I am so sorry for the things I said and for leading you to believe he is anything less that the wonderful husband he has always been. From my previous words, you would never know what an amazing man he is and how loving and patient he has been with me through all these years. You, my sisters, have given me such great advice and I have been a fool not to heed it. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking at the knowledge that I have been so horrible. I will spend my "cruise" thinking about how I can be a better wife, and a better "sister".

Believe me when I tell you that I am hormonal, over-reactive, and completely selfish. My husband tells me that I need to learn to forgive myself. He is right. I continually beat myself up over how I'm not good enough and wallow in my self pity, instead of trying to be a better person. We are working on this together. We are partners in this. I need not go it alone. And he needs to be able to count on me too.

Sisters and friends, I will see you when I get back from my "cruise" and I will hopefully be a better person for it. (((hugs)))

PS> Feel free to leave a comment. I will read them in my email and will get back to you after my short hiatus.

Procrastinating Again

There are days when I'm not really sure what to write. I don't want to lose my blogging momentum either. So I will just post random thoughts instead. Welcome to my brain...

My children are driving me nuts. I'm not sure what planet they came from. They are being completely obnoxious and I find myself yelling a lot. Hubby has intervened and told them that under no circumstance were they to ignore me. Yeah, that didn't last long. My daughter will not listen to me. She just keeps pushing me to see if I will do what I threatened. My problem is that I am not consistent with her. What's sad is that I know what I need to do, but in my heart I just don't want to. She needs me to commit to my word. I need to get on it now while she's 5 1/2 and can still have some control. She is so strong-willed, it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I just hate taking stuff away, or not letting her do fun things. I am a horrible example of raising children.

I broke rule #2 yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was at a stop light and I thought I should text my MIL to make sure she's okay with getting stuff taken care to help her mom move to Florida. We don't have the greatest relationship, so when I can get in the little thoughtful things, it helps her get over some of the things she dislikes about me. She's extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative. I see right through her and refuse to play into her games. She hates that about me. Anyway, I didn't even think about when I should be texting her, I just did it when I was at a stop. When I got to where I was going, I texted Hubby to let him know what I did and the circumstances. I told him that I was sorry. I was sick to my stomach actually. I spent all the drive to my destination thinking about how I screwed up less than 24 hours after the rule was made and not knowing what to expect; how hard was I going to get spanked, would I cry, and so on. He texted back that it's okay to text at a red light. Just don't do it while in motion. Phew! Punishment Motivation averted. But that ball of worry, stress, and anxiety was still there. I didn't sleep last night, and I think that was the reason.

Question for you: Do you confess to your HoH, even though you know what that means? Do you hide it until he finds out? How does he know? What I told him yesterday was that I was confessing my "infraction" not because I want to get in trouble, but because hiding it is deceitful. I fully expect to pay the penalty. Or be motivated to to the line. However you want to look at it. I told him that really all the rules will fall under one of the 4 D's. The rule about me being ready to leave by the time he gets home from dropping the kids off is about disrespect and disobedience. I am not showing anyone I work with respect when I saunter in at 11 am. And Hubby has requested repeatedly that I get to work in a timely manner. I should obey him. The rule about texting and driving is obviously about dangerous behavior. I feel that omission is tantamount to lying, and lying falls under dishonesty. Dishonesty really bothers me. It eats at my heart. So I had to confess what I did. Do you do the same?

Hubby had asked me to make up a cleaning schedule for us to follow. My house is in absolute chaos. I am a clutter bug. It's horrible, I know. And I just look at everything and feel so overwhelmed. I would rather just lay in bed, reading blog posts on my iPhone. Nothing gets done. Hubby comes home and is visibly a bit frustrated. He starts cleaning something because he can't stand to look at it anymore and I feel guilty and emotionally beat myself up while hinging in my room. When I showed him the chore list last night I told him that more than any other rule, chores will be the first to get me in trouble. Making the list felt like signing my own death warrant. But he asked me to do it, so I did. I'm sure at some point I will regret it.

I have a headache and am late for church. Hubby has been there all morning (and last night) helping with audio. He has one weekend every month when he serves all 4 services. I was supposed to be there for 10:30 service but I was....drumroll please....reading blogs. Yeah... So I have to leave now to make it in time for the last service. Most of the rest of the month, I will be serving on the worship team as a vocalist, mostly background vocals.

Okay...I really have to go now. Chat with y'all later! ((hugs))

The Motivator

Well it was bound to happen...

I ordered this paddle I've named "The Motivator" to get Hubby over the word "punishment" and instead think of spanking me as motivation. He seemed to be on board with that. I was looking forward to testing it out for our anniversary on Friday. I didn't plan on what happened instead.

A few days ago, Hubby asked me to make sure we had an idea for meals so he wasn't expected to come up with something at the last minute, especially since we are trying to stick to a particular diet. I agreed and said I would. My little girl has been sick with some nasty virus and has been home from school. I know it's not an excuse. I've been trying to get work done. Also not an excuse. And I've been really tired. I know...I know...not an excuse either.

So today when I texted I was hungry at lunchtime and Hubby texted he was too, I knew the jig was up.

Me: What do you want to do for lunch?

Hubby: Not sure...What are some options?

Me: Crap

Hubby: What's wrong?

Me: I'm doing that thing you told me not to. Not planning. Not having an answer to what's to eat. Answering I don't know. Not caring.

Hubby: Oh... That think :)

Me: Yeah. Good thing the motivator isn't hear yet or I'd be having a date with it tonight.

Hubby: Lol!!!

Me (later): Looks like the motivator will be here today after all. Bummer...

Hubby: :)

Me (even later - from home: The Motivator is here and it doesn't fit in the the shoe box.

Hubby: Nice!!! I'll be easy with it...At first... ;)

So, tonight with be my first punishment motivational spanking. My tummy is tied in knots. The worst part is that I know I deserve it. I take it back...The worst part is having to wait until later. I've got another 3 hours until pants down. Sigh...

I Could Use a Spanking Right Now

Well last night's talk was not exactly what I had hoped for. I should've known. He's just starting to take charge. He's not one to dive into something headlong. Especially when it involves something he believes to be abhorrent. But I do respect him. He's starting to take charge and rethink his position as the leader of our family. I have got to have patience.

So all this thinking got me to pondering what I do that goes against the 4 D's.

Nothing Dangerous: Well, I kinda do a couple things that in most Dd relationships would be punished severely. But Hubby does them too and so I don't think that's something that's going to change for either of us.

Nothing Dishonest: I'm not really one for lying, but I have omitted things in the past. I try really hard not to. And you can bet that from now on I will confess the truth no matter what. (As a matter of fact, I just did. But it's a long story that I don't know how to make shorter and it's not worth a blog post.)

Nothing Disobedient: I'm already naturally submissive. I'm don't talk back or balk at his authority. I would willingly do most things as long as they are presented to me as a demand and not a request. I file requests in the "When I get around to it" file. Only I don't think I ever get around to these things.

Nothing Disrespectful: Well I kinda blew this one last night. I am normally very respectful. You see, sometimes Hubby gets upset with one or both of the kids and decides to take action quickly, decisively, and in a bit of a huff. It usually involves them having something taken away. I end up interjecting and interrupting him in front of the kids. I texted him today some of my feelings. The stuff in parenthesis is not part of the text, just an explanation.

Me: I thought about something. You're probably not going to like it.

Hubby: Rut Ro

Me: Last night I was disrespectful to you in front of the kids.

Hubby: ....I don't recall anything like that

Me: With K (our 5 year old daughter) and her ice (cup of crushed ice she takes to bed). I intervened quite loudly in front of the kids. It's not the first time I've done it. But it is the first time since trying to change my ways and be more submitting to your authority.
It's not okay for me to do that because I'm showing them that I will protect them from you as if you are some sort of bad person. Like R (R & P and their young son B were neighbors of ours from years ago.) with B. Remember his sly smile as she would protect him from P? I know that's an extreme example, but it doesn't take much for the kids to get the picture. They don't need protecting from you. They need me to be a good example of listening and obeying.

Hubby: Fair enough... Thank you for being aware of the action. ;) I love u

Me: I don't commit many punishable offenses because I am already inclined to be submissive and I usually think about things before I do anything.
But last night my actions were not acceptable.

Hubby replied in person. He said that he doesn't want me to be carrying around all this guilt about what happened. He said that if punishment is something that I need, then he can have me do the dishes tonight. It's usually his job because I'm not a fan of the kitchen. And then he said quite resolutely that tonight I am to do the dishes.

I am beyond thrilled that he is taking me in hand (ish) and making decisions. I like that he clarifies his normal request with a demand. But I could really use a spanking. Not because I want one. I do not relish the idea of a punishment spanking. It would hurt a lot and I might even cry. But, I know I need one. That's the only thing that will help me remember, the next time I even think about disrespecting him in front of the kids, to think twice. Dirty dishes? Ummm...not so much. I don't feel like it's a clean slate, that I've paid for my transgression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I request a spanking, but I don't think he will do it. It may even make him upset. I should just be happy that he's giving some sort of consequence, one that he can handle. It's a step up, right?

Ugh...

Trying Not to Get My Hopes Up

Hubby and I were IMing today and I highlighted the part that intrigued me:

Hubby: what up

me: My next appt with dr. v is the 28th

       I haven't lost anything

       I need you to help motivate me

       I can't do it on my own

Hubby: yes, I can do that... :)

       have you been taking the meds he prescribed?

me: yes

       mostly

Hubby: cool

       ?

me: I missed a week

Hubby: k

me: but then I got back on it

Hubby: no worries... :)

       lets do this thing

me: I just haven't been eating what I should

       And I know it's my fault

       I have lots of guilt

       my bowl is sloshing

Hubby: roger...

       here is what I want you to do. reschedule the appt for next month before 20th

me: ok

Hubby: tonight, you and I will write out some "rules" for us to follow...and me to enforce

me: ok

Hubby: tomorrow, you will go to the grocery store and stock up on the first things we'll need        (2-3 days of stuff) and we'll kick this thing :)

me: alright

Hubby: i love u

       so much

me: i love you too

       thank you

I plan on bringing home wine for us to share during our talk. I should know better than to get my hopes up about Dd. I doubt that's what he means by "enforce". I just can't help myself. I've got all these thoughts swimming in my head and I just know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. But a girl can hope, right?