Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?!

Yesterday, I decided to test my rule about being to the office no later than 9:05 (8:30 is the goal).

What?!?! That's a brand spanking new rule. Why would you do that?

Well. Here's the thing. I don't know. I guess I wanted to test Hubby's resolve. I know. Bad idea. So why did I do it?

I had a lot of thoughts run through my head yesterday morning. "Would he do it? Would he really spank me?" "Really really?" "Would it be like previous corrective actions (prior to our ttwd restart)? A few measured out swats and that's it?" "Or it could be the worst spanking of your life!" "He probably won't do it." "He might..." I checked the implement drawer. Everything was in place. He hadn't taken the cane with him; the promised corrective action implement. "He's not gonna do it." Later I checked the video cameras we have set up at my business. He was there at my assistant's desk working. "He's not even in his office! I would've shown up and he wouldn't have been there. Well, screw him! He never had any intention of going through with it." "Do you really want to test this?" "Yes. Yes I do."

Thoughts continued to roll around inside my thick skull; my angel and devil duking it out on my shoulders. I checked the time. I had 10 minutes to get there. "Plenty of time if you leave now." "Does it even matter?" "You should try anyway" "No! I promised the MIL I would get her nails done today and I have to get them done early so I can pick up the kids. I'm gonna get my nail stuff together. He's not even gonna notice...big jerk head." I decided to go take care of my ticket from the collision I caused. Careless driving. $166 plus whatever the charge to get to take the class, which is a whole other charge. On the drive over, I got a little scared. "You should've at least stopped by. What if you get spanked really Really HARD?" "Nah. He's too busy to deal with me. He probably won't even remember. I think it's safe to say this rule is not getting enforced."

I got a phone call from Hubby at 10. I had just gotten back in the car from the courthouse. He asked where I was. I told him I was just leaving the courthouse. Technically, I lied. Yeah. You know that thing I said I wouldn't do? I actually had been in the parking lot for about 5 minutes playing Candy Crush (Stupid addictive game). Little, itty bitty, teensy weensy, inconsequential, LIE. "Why did you lie?" "I don't know...Shut Up!" I reminded him that i needed to take care of that ticket.

Hubby: Oh yeah. You had to get that done first thing this morning, right?
Me: Well, no...I coulda stopped by...Umm...yes. I had to get it done today.
Hubby: Could you pick me up an Amp on the way to the shop? I only had one cup of coffee and I'm dragging.
Me: Sure.

"I answered him. So what if it wasn't exactly accurate?" "Well now if your pants light on fire from that spanking your going to get for lying, don't blame me!" "Shut. Up!" Yes, I needed to get it done today. Yes, I could've checked into the office first as requested, and done so on time. But my little devil and I were too busy high-fiving to care and Hubby didn't seem to care either. "So there!" *Angel shakes head but gives up and walks away*

I expected at least a little warning about consequences to come. Maybe the tiniest hint? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Would he make me come home for a lunchtime correction? Not enough time to even have lunch together, let alone take care of business. Do I want a spanking? Well, not really. I would much rather be good for Hubby. But I just can't help but test him. At least until I know he will back it up with action. And by action, I mean, make me NEVER EVER want to disobey him again. I need those boundaries; that reassurance that he's paying attention. To know that he'll catch me when I fall and that he'll not let me get away with anything when I fail, especially when I'm testing him.

So there you have it. That's why I did what I did and didn't do what I was supposed to. So what happened? Well...


Not a word about it. We had a great, uneventful, quiet night. We made love and it was wonderful as always. But no follow-through.

This morning, I have a choice. I can be there as expected, or I can listen to that devil again and do my own thing. "Ugh! I hate these stupid choices." "Really you should try."

Hubby: 8:30? (said with a hint of a warning as he was on his way to take the kids to school)
Me: (grumbling in the affirmative-maybe-unwilling-crankiness)

After he left, I got up and checked the implement drawer. Everything is still in place...



  1. mmm, you didn't want him to cut you any slack did you?

  2. I get the testing thing...but fair usually does catch up with you at some point;)

  3. I get the testing thing too. I just know why?? It's the craziest unexplainable thing.
    Best of luck when it catches up to you. :)

  4. LM, of course something happened, and I think it was pretty significant and very valuable. He trusted you. He believed what you told him. He didn't quiz you, grill you, pick at it. He simply trusted you.

    I think if you want to get caught in the act in order for him to hold you accountable, you may need a witness, or a snitch. ;-) I think all your questions about why you do this... well, I think you need the answer to that every bit as much as you need his leadership and him physically correcting you to prove he is in charge and that you can always rely on him. I don't think they are the same thing. You are independently feisty, yes, but I don't believe you are a dishonest person.

    The lying is really bothering you, separately and side from what you need from him. Maybe it really is your way of testing him, and maybe you chose that, thinking little white lies are innocuous tests compared to other things you could do that are much more hurtful or damaging. I just sense this choice is eating at you, because it's not who you are our how you want to be. You don't want to lose his trust in you by lying. Throw an implement or slam a door, run out of gas, anything else instead!

    Okay, exhortation is over. I'm going back out in left field where I probably belong. I how you figure this out soon. Hugs. Luv ya!


  5. Okay don't hate me ( btw I HATE when people say that to me! ) maybe he left the cane behind because he believed in you? He thought he had gotten through to you and he trusted you to do what you agreed to?

    I don't know. Today Barney asked me to make sure I took care of some health appointments I needed to make (over a week ago). I forgot for the better part of the day. When I saw the paperwork and the phone on top( he had laid them out for me) I thought for a split second to NOT do it. I have no clue why, to test I guess. But even that line of thinking started to eat away at me. He asked me to do it, I agreed, he trusted that I would. If I told him I forgot, which I almost did, he would have been upset but I wouldn't have been in 'trouble'. I wouldn't have been happy with myself however, and that also sends me spiraling down just as quickly as his inaction.

    I hope you find the answers you are looking for soon.

  6. Hey LM,

    I too get the testing thing too but boy, It does have a habit of catching up with you sooner or later in my experience.

    I agree with Irishey as well, he trusted you. I think he gave you the benefit of the doubt knowing that you had to get to the courthouse that day and believing it had to be first thing.

    So ... did you make it on time this morning?


  7. Chelle

    Irishey has some great advice and insights doesn't she! Here's one more thing too.. you want him to spank you. You do. Sometimes I want that too. StrongMan said I can just ask for it if I need it so just go ask your husband to give you one.