Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Crossroads and the Plate

I saw my therapist today. We discussed all kinds of things like my assessment results from taking several online tests I took, like StregthFinders 2.0. We also discussed how I'm not a mind reader, even though I still beg to differ that my MIL's thoughts can be easily read through her body language. She doesn't hide it well at all. We also talked about how I am at a crossroads with everything in my life. What???

The Crossroads:

My therapy - We've dealt with so much already. It's time to take steps, but in which direction? Why can't someone just tell me what to do? She thinks I should go back to school. I told her how much I hate school. It's difficult for me because I'm a kinesthetic learner. That presents many challenges for me in traditional education. So what to do? I dunno...

My business - What I should be when I grow up, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment is what I already am, but changes need to be made. I am a projects kinds of girl. I start them and I can finish them as long as they don't go on too long. If they require any length of time, I get bored and set it aside with promises that I will get back to it, only to never pick it up again. It's not that I'm lying when I promise. I have every intention of finishing it. But the monotony of owning my own business, all the daily tasks, it's a never ending project that bores the crap out of me. It's monotonous and boooooooring and I hate it. But there are several challenges to it that I like. And then there is the fact that I have been flaky and forgetful. I hate flaky people. How did I become one?

My marriage - I made a change in my marriage. I decided to take a long hard look at myself and institute changes. I don't want to be a bitch to Hubby. I don't want to ignore his needs anymore. Sometimes he wants me to do things and gets frustrated with me for not getting to them. I completely understand that. If I were him, I would be frustrated too. Of course if I were him, I would've had me bent over the bed a long time ago...

My children - The kids... Don't get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my pride and joy. They are amazing, smart, fun little people. But I'm not good at parenting them. They are a project that has gotten excruciatingly out of hand. They drive me absolutely crazy. I love to snuggle and love and kiss and huggle with them. I love to share songs and watch them put on plays for me. I love to teach them little things like how bubbles in soda make a straw float to the top of the glass. But I'm not so good with the big picture.

My home - It's a mess. An ever-lovin' disaster! Stuff is everywhere. I'm a clutter bug. The worst part is that I can clean an area until it sparkles and be very good about putting things back and keeping that area clean and somehow, someway the clutter finds it and invades it. I turn my back and my dresser is covered in clothes that should be put away. I leave the bathroom for 5 minutes and everything ends up back on the counters. It's amazing how it happens. And I gave up. I stopped trying a long time ago.

My finances - As Hubby will attest to, I am a wreck. I have some bills that have been following me all year. I avoid the mailbox like the plague because I know what's in there...another bill. I don't answer my phone if I don't know the number because it's that doctors office again... When I don't have money, I avoid the bills. Thing is, when I do have money, I still avoid them because I don't want to deal with them. Bills aren't new projects. They are old projects that won't quit bugging me.

My therapist suggested that maybe we should work on ways to make old "projects", be it bills, cleaning, or kids, have a new and creative edge to them so I feel challenged instead of bogged down. Any suggestions?

The Plate:

I used this analogy with a friend of mine and she thought it was pretty good; If I were standing holding with a plate full of mexican jumping beans at shoulder level, that would be a pretty good representation of my life right now. Every employee request, note home from school, bill in the mail, or toy on the floor is just another bean added to my plate. It's annoying and irritating and frustrating and stressful. I am overwhelmed.

My therapist said that all the feelings I'm having right now are because I am at these crossroads and I'm building up the energy to make a change. What I perceive as this feeling of annoyance and irritation and frustration is really just the energy building. The stress of these feelings is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I don't like it, but it's been a long, a long time coming, and I know a change gonna come...


  1. Change is always growth and it is always hard. Don't feel alone most of us go to it kicking and screaming all the way. But the end result is usually so worth it.

    Good luck.

    1. Hi Sunnygirl! A long ago friend once told me, well actually he repeated it over and over to me hoping I think that it would become my mantra, "Change is opportunity." I'm hoping this is an opportunity for better things. :)

  2. Over the years I have learned to accept that I go through periods where I am not functioning at my best. That is life, but deciding to change, and working on a concrete plan, that is great. I hope you share the results!

    1. I will share results as they come up. There is a huge gap between intention and action and I'm going to need a lot of help getting from across it, that's for sure.

  3. Wow--you definitely do seem to have a lot on your plate right now. The potential for change and growth in your life is huge and it seems like you are on the brink of a very positive, exciting time. Can't wait to see where this takes you!

  4. Growing pains are just that...pain. I have a friend who talks of much the same things. She has soooo much to do, she just gets overwhelmed and starts feeling hopeless, so she ends up doing absolutely nothing. Of course, the more she does that, the more things pile up, the longer the list gets and the more overwhelmed and helpless she feels!
    It's such a visious cycle! I tell her, baby steps, and more baby steps. Just getting one small thing done everyday would help. It's forward momentum and it builds on itself. For me, I tend to collect clutter. So, I decided I would start clearing things out. I started by cleaning out just one drawer a day. Little by litle, I got everything cleaned and sorted out. The more drawers that got cleaned out, the better I felt and the more I wanted to do. Another cycle, but not a visious one, (too bad there is no spell check when posting comments and I'm feeling too lazy to go look up visious, that just doesn't look You sound like you really love your kids, that makes you a wonderful Mom! Don't beat yourself up so much. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend! Hope you have a wonderful weekend, LM. :)

    1. Vicious. Lol.

      You are so right about about the feeling of hopelessness. It is a horrible vicious cycle and I can't seem to pull out of it. The plane is going down and I can't seem to pull it up out of a nose dive. I need help. I'm really hoping that with Hubby's help, I can do it. Sigh... I hope your weekend is wonderful as well.

    2. Ah, yes. That looks much better with a c! :)