Saturday, May 18, 2013
Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want
Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...
Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...
Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?
Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.
I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?
When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.
I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.
He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.
Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.
He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.
The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.
I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!
And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.
Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.