Tuesday, October 30, 2012

What's the Word I'm Looking For??

I got a comment last night on my last post and I just have to share it with everyone. It comes out of the blue with a really good question that not only made me laugh, but made me really think. Check it out...

Maybe you guys can help me? I'm trying to find the right word for something. You know when you want sex, you say "I'm Horny." There's no denying what it means, no confusing it with any other desire. Being 'horny' means only one thing. Well there needs to be a word for when you just need a spanking!! I don't care if it's made up or an actual word. But there must be something that says, "I NEED a spanking! I'm feeling rambunctious and naughty and tumultuous and insecure and stressed out and there's only one thing I need and want that will calm me down! PUT ME OVER YOUR KNEE!" My husband and I have been trying to think of a word. The only thing I can come up with that's close is "Spanksual" (Spank-Shoo-ul). But it's not quite right. It's more like for use as in "Just looking at the collection of implements gets me thinking Spanksual thoughts." It's not quite how to describe the 'Horny' Need/Wanton Desire for the only thing that will satisfy it. Any ideas??
-Ses Q. Padalian
Yep. That's what I thought. Why isn't there a word for that? I read this to Hubby and he was quiet for a moment. I thought maybe he was into his book or something, but he was formulating the perfect word...


LMAO! Hubby is a funny guy. Leave it to him to come up with something so...so...goofy. It just may stick though. Well...unless you have a better idea? Come on friends and lurkers! Give it your best shot!

What word would you make up for this?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Good BAD Girl

I loves me some good girl spankins! I got one this morning so we could try out the new implements. Boy oh boy oh boy do they sting! Let me introduce you to them...

Meet my 5 fingered friend. It's leather and quite stingy. It's quite a bit wider than I thought, but that's okay. Since it's stiff still, the very ends make the most contact and it hurts like the dickens. Once it softens, I'm sure it will spread the sting more evenly. I look forward to that. I'm a big leather fan! It's very quiet compared to the leather paddle I have.

And then there is the EVIL wooden holey paddle. This little monster is probably going to replace the hairbrush for corrective actions. Hubby just barely let the paddle fall on my behind and it stung and made me jump. I'm sure he will want to play with it some more to see how much I can take. I like some wooden implement play, but this one is going to take some getting used to! It's much quieter than the hairbrush.

Of course I had to try out a cane. I must say that I'm not too thrilled with it. It doesn't sting so much as hurt like the dickens. I can't put it in the stingy or the thuddy category. It's different than that. I imagine that I could get used to it if we played with it in the right way, but I definitely don't want to use it for a corrective action. It also makes me glad I stayed away from anything like the Loopy Johnny! We will have to be careful with this one... Extremely quiet except for my squeals of fear.

So now you've met my new frienemies (btw I hate that term but I didn't know how else to describe them). We will see who I end up hating/loving. They are all very well made and I think they will last a very long time. Shipping was super fast! Visit Cane-iac for all your spanking needs. I know I will go back again! (No, I'm not a reviewer. I bought everything I got from their store. They don't even know I'm writing this.)

We now have a new problem though. We need a bigger box! It's full of goodies and the newest ones don't quite fit all the way in. I'm thinking a box with a lock on it would be good. Then we could keep it under the bed instead of trying to hide it in the closet. Anyone have any suggestions?

I do have to blame all of this on one lovely lady... Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts is such a great connector. I've gotten to read all kinds of blogs I never would've found and I definitely would not have met my new blogger bloomer friends. Plus, she added me when I was still fresh to this and I got so many readers that I definitely wouldn't have had. I love that you can see all the bloomers by type and it's all color coded and nifty. Definitely speaks to my need for organization. Super big ((((((hugs)))))) for Bonnie, you are one BAD girl! We appreciate you immensely!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 
I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   
You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  
Big jerk...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Mick is Back - Just Relocated...

Did you see it? Did you see it????

Mick is back! I could not be more thrilled! He has relocated to Mick and Lynda's Place. I am so relieved. I was hoping he wouldn't be gone forever. There are very few HoH bloggers bloomers out there and us girls appreciate the other side's point of view.

Welcome back Mick! 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A New Look and a CoolAss

So I've gone and done it now! I decided to go with a different look to my blog. It's still dark but hopeful, a turquoise rose in bloom. I only wish it had rounded corners. It feels like it should be rounded.

Not much has been happening here except an emotional apocalypse that I will write about later. It's a lot of me being impatient, selfish, and trying to control things that are not mine to control. You all know what that's like, right? RIGHT????

It's our busy season and orders are coming in droves. I'm not complaining. After all, I got to hire a new employee; a fellow mom who needed work because her husband doesn't get paid enough and times is hard (all you grammarians out there can keep your panties on, I did that on purpose).

I haven't seen any paddles or hairbrushes as of late. All's quiet in my neck of the woods. As a matter of fact, Hubby gave me a most unexpected kiss this morning. He's in a great mood. It could be because I got him a CoolAss. Yes, you read that right! A CoolAss is a cover for a motorcycle seat to keep it cool and dry. It gets awful hot here in Florida and his motorcycle seat gets downright unbearable. So now, we both have cool a$$es; his because of the cover and mine because of the lack of spankings. I really wouldn't mind having mine a little warmer though...


Monday, October 15, 2012

DD Rules for Beginners

Rules for Beginners

I figured this might be helpful for anyone starting out in DD/ttwd. It's a outline of ideas for the basic setup of the rules. Everything is negotiable. Well, until your HoH says it isn't. 

Please remember as you read this; this is my interpretation and how we do ttwd. This is not how everyone does it, nor how everyone should do it. Please take it with a grain of salt. Think of this as a kind of template, if you will. 

Okay. Lets start with the D's. I believe that these are rules without exceptions for the most part. There were 4 D's, kinda like cornerstones, but it has recently been changed by many to add a 5th D as it seems to be pretty prevalent in most visible relationships (one's you can read about on blogs). I've included a basic definition, and example, and my own personal notes for each one. 

Disobedience: lack of obedience or refusal to comply; disregard or transgression. Ex: One of your rules is that you are not to let the gas tank get below 1/4. You looked down at the gas gauge and it's on E. You broke that rule. Personal Note: It's not just about the line between right and wrong, it's also about being aware when you are about to cross that line, regardless of intent. 

Defiancea daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force. Also, open disregard; contempt. Ex: You decided not to fill up your gas tank even though you know it's at 1/4 and you are supposed to fill it. Personal Note: It's still defiance if you are trying to skirt around the rules. 

Disrespect: lack of respect;  discourtesy; rudeness. Ex: You broke the 1/4 tank rule. But it's a stupid rule anyway. Your HoH asks you about the tank and you say exasperatedly that it's below 1/4 tank but it'll be fine. Personal Note: Attitude is everything. Treat your HoH how you would like him to treat you!

Dishonesty: lack of honesty; a disposition to lie, cheat, or steal. Also, a dishonest act; fraud. Ex: You know the tank went below 1/4 but you quickly fill it up and try to forget that you were supposed to get it done before that. You lie when your HoH asks you about it, or you fail to mention it on purpose. Personal Note: A lie is a lie is a lie! You best own up.

Distancing/communication: cool, aloof, unresponsive, uncommunicative, and unwilling to be vulnerable Ex: You feel guilty that you let the tank go below 1/4. The guilt is making you cranky at your HoH. You decide to keep brooding instead of just talking to him about how you feel. Personal Note: Communication is the key to everything. If you can't talk about it, ttwd is not going to work. Relief comes with talking it out. 

So that covers the 5 D's. They are usually all considered to be Corrective Action worthy.

Building/breaking habits: We all have stuff we need to quit or start doing. DD can be a great tool when your HoH keeps you accountable. Ex: Remembering to remove trash from the car everyday, making sure to work out 3 times/week, starting but not completing a project or chore,  etc. Recommendations: First offense: Verbal Warning. Second offense: Reminder. Third offense: Corrective Action/Reset.


Reminder: Minor infractions Not as drastic as a Corrective Action, Reminders are for minor offenses, habitual offenses, or the next step after a Verbal Warning. 

Corrective Action: Major infraction. Ex: Breaking any of the 5 D's, breaking a rule, third offenses on habits, or it could be something like cheating on your diet. 

Creative Discipline: This method could account for or could be combined with another punishment. This category could include removal of privileges, corner or room time, performing chores or duties, etc. 

  • Any physical discipline needs some talking/holding/loving time afterwards. Lecturing while disciplining is fine, but you may need to ask your HoH for a refresher after because listening isn't at it's best during. Some alone time after is also suggested, but only if your HoH believes you need time to think about what you've done and what you will do to change it in the future. Or it may be that directly afterwards you are to complete a task. It's up to your HoH. He is, after all, the HoH.
  • When you do make up new rules, you have to decide whether the new rule is about a habit you need help with or a general rule. Ex: Going to the gym 3 days/week vs the use of profanity. You could put it through the 5 D's test. If it falls under one of the D's, then it is a corrective action rule. If it doesn't, then maybe it's a general rule or a habit rule that requires preventative measures before corrective action is taken.
  • You can amend rules and other things as you see fit. It's all a matter of figuring out what works best for you. 
  • I was going to add a tip here about consistency, but decided instead to post a link that I believe says it all very well. Holding 49 Percent's very timely post called The Thing About Consistency is absolutely spot on. Consistency doesn't lie solely on your HoH's shoulders. 

I hope this has been helpful for you! Remember, it's just to give you an idea of the basics. If you have anything to add that you might think is helpful for Newbies, please let me know so I can add it. 


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Trust and Date Night Funnies

Yesterday was pretty crazy day. I had to clean out my car (under the seat where the kids sit) before I even got my day started. That was very VERY icky. Then we needed to meet for a workout session. I was five minutes late. Ugh...

After all that, it was time to go see my therapist. She's a pretty great woman. She's very smart. I don't think that I could've gotten through the past six months without her. But I also discovered something else. I could not have gotten through the past six months without Hubby willing to take on ttwd.

Ttwd has forced me to learn how to trust. It's not that I didn't trust Hubby. It's just that I didn't trust him deeply and completely. The amount of trust that it takes to submit myself, my bare bottom, to Hubby and his will is more that I ever thought I had in me. Even he was amazed at the level of trust I had for him.

It really is a testament to submission. If I can trust Hubby with my submissive heart fully, then I can trust him fully when crap hits the fan. When things go badly and I am in crisis, I know he is there for me. I know he will hold my hand through it. I know he will not abandon me. And I know he will always look out for what's best for me. I would not have known this had I not submitted to him to begin with.

My therapist, while she does not know about ttwd, she has noted marked improvement in my ability to cope with situations that involve a high level of stress. I've become a new woman. I may still be unfolding, but I am making progress. I believe that is what ttwd is all about. It's about being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, and being able to be strong when life throws you a curve ball.

I paid for being late along with letting the gas tank get below 1/4. I was given another discounted spanking, although Hubby didn't see it that way. He's going at his own pace. He's not comfortable with the disciplinary aspect of ttwd. I'm sure he'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'm left with mixed feelings about it.

He instructed me to pack a couple things. Gramom had the kids for the night and we weren't just going to stay at home. We were going to stay at a hotel on the beach! We had dinner and drinks. And then walked to a bar and had more drinks (If you are ever in Daytona Beach near the Bandshell, stop by the Mai Tai bar and ask for a Lava Flow with a Kraken float. You totally will not be disappointed).

I took notes throughout the night of things you could've heard as we talked (somewhat loudly at times) had you been eaves dropping.

Things said last night:

You know me, I like getting spanked.

So you want a holey paddle?

I can almost feel the embarrassment right now.

That Captain's word is law

Vows made in the storm are forgotten in calm water

Well that threat wiped the smile off your face!

-Poor Lillie had to do sit-ups for eating jelly beans.
-I like the way Ian thinks!

You ate Nemo's dad!

I need a momay (playing off of edemame)

Release the Kraken!!! (Actually said by both of us several times)

Aaaaaahhhhhgggggrrrrrrhhhhh!!! Bobcat Goldthwait circa 1992!

-What?! That's a big swirly mess??
-No. I said it was a big swing and a miss.

Polish manicure: you paint your nails and scrape the ends off. We could sell that sh*t! (Hubby is half Polish and quite funny)

There was so much more but alas, my phone ran out of juice and I didn't have my purse on me. We had a bit to drink. We both had a really good time. By the level of hangover this morning, I would say he more than me. Lol!

Hope your day is wonderful! ((hugs))

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Discount Spanking

I have always gotten off easy. Until now, all my spankings have been for the purposes of erotica/stress relief. We had a couple of trial "reminder" spankings that consisted of 3-4 swats each side and it was painful, but that's been it. It was then decided that this whole thing was a bit confusing. Both of us needed more definition regarding rules and guidelines. I outlined what I thought followed the general principles of ttwd (emphasis on "we"). It's more of a list of categories. I'm not posting it here, but you can leave your email in a comment or email me and I will send you what I wrote out.  Hubby was pretty happy with it and we agreed that it will work for us.

I had broken major rule on Friday. I lied about something. I'm not sure why I did it, but this has become a disturbing trend for me. Hubby found out about the lie yesterday. Nothing was said until I sent him the new rule setup and explained to him that I knew I had broken a big rule, so I suggested that if he wanted to, he could take care of the infraction later. But there was a problem. I had received some news about my brother that set me off in a panic. I ended up at my therapist's for an emergency session. Some things I can deal with. This was bad enough that it wrecked my world. Let's just say he's gonna need a really good lawyer.

Hubby didn't worry about taking care of the infraction, even though I offered myself. He said that he just wanted to hold me. Seriously I can hear y'all "Awwww!"-ing from here. Lol.

One of my rules is that I am to be ready to leave the house by 8 am. Whether we are meeting to work out together or I just have to go to work, I am to be wherever I'm supposed to be at a decent time. On days we don't work out, I have to be to work by 8:30.

This morning I didn't even get into the shower until 8. He came in and warned me that I was already getting spanked, how much was dependent on how late I was to work. Well, I was 5 minutes late. Add to that the infraction from Friday, and I was in deep doodoo.

But since this was my first technical punishment spanking corrective action, I was given a discounted spanking, as he called it. I would receive 60% off the morning lateness, but add in 20% for the extra 5 minutes I was late. Then I got 80% off the big infraction. In total, that's 5 swats each side. That 67% off the original total. Am I lucky or what?!?!

He knows he was easy on me. He said not to expect discounts every spanking. I think because this was the first official corrective action, he was reluctant. He doesn't want to punish me. He doesn't like doing it. But from what I've heard, it won't be long before he is punishing with gusto. I have read it several places that once he sees what it does for me, for us, and for our family, that he will be less reserved.

Is this your experience?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?