Saturday, October 20, 2012

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 
I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   
You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  
Big jerk...


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    1. Everything will be just fine, LM - it is so clear that you love each other like crazy.
      Take care,

    2. All is well Lillie. You know I love you. We will figure this out too. :) (((((((hugs)))))))

  2. Well sounds like your husband and mine should have a cyber beer together! They can form a non-dominant personality HOH support group. Tips on how to deal with their hormonal/controlling wives!

    I know you read my post because you left a comment. I hope you go back and read all the wonderful support everyone was able to give me, for basically the same situation. Did you at least feel a release after you stopped crying? I hope you have been able to stop beating yourself up.

    It is odd isn't it? How our husbands can say one thing and we hear something totally different? Like we are some how sabotaging this Dd. thing. Acutally I believe there is a post on Taken In Hand discussing that very subject.

    I'll tell you what Barney basically told me yesterday, because I'm convinced the same would ring true from your husband: You are my life and if _I_ want to change, then _I_ am going to change for you. That is my decision, not yours. You can't make me do anything I don't want to.

    Your husband sounds like he wants to give you whatever it is that will make you happy. Now naturally we want them to WANT to do this, and feel comfortable, but the reason why they are trying is not as important as the fact that they are willing to.

    You are trying to 'cut him some slack' now it is time to do the same for yourself.

    Cyber Hug...Wilma

    1. Wilma, I did feel a release when I was done. I felt numb and emotionally depleted. I usually only go rounds with myself once and then I'm done.
      I think you are right about the support group. I also need to join one for hearing things that weren't said/reading between lines/mindreading. What your husband said is EXACTLY what Hubby would say. I will try to cut him some slack...and myself.. (((hugs)))

  3. Oh and watch out for that violent Lillie...she wants to spank you, and she has threatened to shake me! Honestly!

    1. Lol! Somehow I just don't see her actually doing it. If she shows up at my doorstep with a paddle, I will let you know. ;)

  4. This is the second post I've read this morning about allowing our men to do their own changing and finding out that we awake in them something and they really do want to change. They start to see themselves in a new light and see our needs.

    I'm hoping you have a gentler week lilmisses...time and patience for both of you.

  5. familiar I am with the "negative introject." Since we began our DD journey three months ago, I have felt more secure in telling Will some of the things I say to myself throughout my day but most especially when he and I have fought or I am distancing.

    Last week I really became vulnerable with Will and did much like you wrote here -I told him exactly what I say to myself; or more accurately, what the negative introject who exists inside of me says. Will was shocked and dismayed, and mostly sad that I could even think these things about myself, treat myself that way. I am sure based on what I've read or your posts that your hubby would feel the same way.

    I think this DD thing helps in that it forces us to get to the heart of our personal, individual issues as well as those we face as a couple. I love that you wrote this, and I thank you - you've articulated many of the issues that I struggle with myself. I love the email your hubby sent back to you - what a wonderful person he seems to be, to love his wife so much.

    My husband, Wilma's and yours sound very similar in temperament. I think we're all very fortunate. :)