Well last night's talk was not exactly what I had hoped for. I should've known. He's just starting to take charge. He's not one to dive into something headlong. Especially when it involves something he believes to be abhorrent. But I do respect him. He's starting to take charge and rethink his position as the leader of our family. I have got to have patience.
So all this thinking got me to pondering what I do that goes against the 4 D's.
Nothing Dangerous: Well, I kinda do a couple things that in most Dd relationships would be punished severely. But Hubby does them too and so I don't think that's something that's going to change for either of us.
Nothing Dishonest: I'm not really one for lying, but I have omitted things in the past. I try really hard not to. And you can bet that from now on I will confess the truth no matter what. (As a matter of fact, I just did. But it's a long story that I don't know how to make shorter and it's not worth a blog post.)
Nothing Disobedient: I'm already naturally submissive. I'm don't talk back or balk at his authority. I would willingly do most things as long as they are presented to me as a demand and not a request. I file requests in the "When I get around to it" file. Only I don't think I ever get around to these things.
Nothing Disrespectful: Well I kinda blew this one last night. I am normally very respectful. You see, sometimes Hubby gets upset with one or both of the kids and decides to take action quickly, decisively, and in a bit of a huff. It usually involves them having something taken away. I end up interjecting and interrupting him in front of the kids. I texted him today some of my feelings. The stuff in parenthesis is not part of the text, just an explanation.
Me: I thought about something. You're probably not going to like it.
Hubby: Rut Ro
Me: Last night I was disrespectful to you in front of the kids.
Hubby: ....I don't recall anything like that
Me: With K (our 5 year old daughter) and her ice (cup of crushed ice she takes to bed). I intervened quite loudly in front of the kids. It's not the first time I've done it. But it is the first time since trying to change my ways and be more submitting to your authority.
It's not okay for me to do that because I'm showing them that I will protect them from you as if you are some sort of bad person. Like R (R & P and their young son B were neighbors of ours from years ago.) with B. Remember his sly smile as she would protect him from P? I know that's an extreme example, but it doesn't take much for the kids to get the picture. They don't need protecting from you. They need me to be a good example of listening and obeying.
Hubby: Fair enough... Thank you for being aware of the action. ;) I love u
Me: I don't commit many punishable offenses because I am already inclined to be submissive and I usually think about things before I do anything.
But last night my actions were not acceptable.
Hubby replied in person. He said that he doesn't want me to be carrying around all this guilt about what happened. He said that if punishment is something that I need, then he can have me do the dishes tonight. It's usually his job because I'm not a fan of the kitchen. And then he said quite resolutely that tonight I am to do the dishes.
I am beyond thrilled that he is taking me in hand (ish) and making decisions. I like that he clarifies his normal request with a demand. But I could really use a spanking. Not because I want one. I do not relish the idea of a punishment spanking. It would hurt a lot and I might even cry. But, I know I need one. That's the only thing that will help me remember, the next time I even think about disrespecting him in front of the kids, to think twice. Dirty dishes? Ummm...not so much. I don't feel like it's a clean slate, that I've paid for my transgression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I request a spanking, but I don't think he will do it. It may even make him upset. I should just be happy that he's giving some sort of consequence, one that he can handle. It's a step up, right?