Saturday, July 6, 2013

One Year Blogiversary!


Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...


I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again


Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!




And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Disastrous Disrespect


Oh boy did I get in trouble the other night! While my excuses (I was hungry, I was on the third day of my diet, and I was very unhappy) were valid, my attitude was not. You see, earlier in the day, Hubby's friend came over and was talking about how his 7 year old daughter has been asked to be a spokesperson for a mega-company. I said that I would love to get our 6 year old daughter into something. Hubby said "NO!" It was firm and that was that. I tried to say something but he just said no again. I left the room, feeling a little hurt and embarrassed. I went to my room and snuggled with my daughter. Hubby came in later and asked what we were up too. I was snippy and snappy but it put an end to the questioning. Before he left, we had a short discussion about dinner. Apparently he forgot the discussion we had in the garage earlier about dinner. So I texted him what I already said, only he never read it.

I laid down and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. When I awoke, I was in a downright pissy mood. I was hungry and where was he with dinner already? I opened the door to the garage to see if he had already left and he was still sitting there with his friend, yukking it up. I was livid. I told him I thought he had gone to the store already and followed it with a "GOOD NESS!!!" before slamming the door. Now he was livid.


Hubby came into the house, told me we needed to talk RIGHT NOW and motioned me into our room. He shut the door and started to lay into me (verbally). I'd never heard him yell so loudly. He wouldn't let me say anything. He scared the crap out of me. I was in trouble and it was BIG. When he stopped yelling, I said I was sorry. He left and I laid in my bed crying. I was so confused by all the emotions bombarding me. I was scared, hurt, confused, but worst of all...guilty. I had brought this on myself. Regardless of me not getting a say and there being some miscommunication, I was undeniably in the wrong.

Later, after the kids went to bed, he was intent on doing a TnT. We hadn't done one in over 2 weeks because of his travel, and his father staying with us a few days. Hubby noticed that without it, I distanced. I try to become independant instead of leaning on him and I get frustrated. I start to feel neglected. I get angry and belligerent. Without this connection, we are lost to each other. He needs me to need him. He said it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. He wants to help me let go of all these negative emotions, especially the one's that I use to tear myself down. He wants us to stay close to each other. I want that too. It's just that getting to that place is the trick. I need consistent maintenance. That's consistent, not constant.

So we both learned a lesson here. I need to watch my attitude. He needs to not neglect me (a topic for which he apologized again and again). I need to respect him. He needs to love on me. And then we will be Happy, Happy, Happy... lol. Couldn't help myself.

One bummer thing happened. The "Closer" broke. I ordered a new one though, and a couple other implements that I will share with you when they arrive.



The moral of the story? Whatever you do my friends...
(you could get a paddle broken on your bum...lol!)


Take care and (((hugs)))

Sunday, June 30, 2013

They've Got it Backwards


I've been meaning to write for some time, but with all the community hubbub and personal time being cut short, it's been rough. I also am used to not speaking up about anything because of my business. You learn that you can be an easy target and whatever you say can be misconstrued and used against you and your business, no matter how you meant it. So, I am finally speaking my 2 cents for what it's worth.


First of all, I don't like bullies. They have jumped on the judgemental bandwagon on an attack mission, even though they have no idea what they are talking about or who the people are who've been unfortunately involved. At one point, I yelled at Hubby that it was unfair. These are the same people that believe everything they see on TV. They don't ask questions. They don't think. They refuse logic and common sense. They certainly can't see living a lifestyle other than their own. There is no tolerance. It's sad and unfair and makes me hate dumb people.


Secondly, they've got it all wrong. Mind you, this is my own opinion so don't hate me for saying this as I am just as guilty as the next person. We are products of our parents. How they raised us has a huge impact on how we raise our own children. But what if it's backwards? Excuse me while I postulate the possibility that we aren't meant to spank our children or set them in a corner. What child of that age has the capacity to understand those particular disciplines? Think about what emotions and thought processes you experience as you endure them? A child certainly doesn't understand anything that complex. So why do we equate spanking with a punishment meant for children? As I said, I am guilty of this. I have swatted my children for misbehaving. I don't do it anymore mind you. I have found other means of discipline that suit their individual personalities and it doesn't include physical punishments. It's not because I don't believe in it. It's because my kids don't respond to it. It doesn't carry any weight or meaning for them.

Booooo!
This particular thought process was brought about by watching the interview with the ugly hag that wrote the article. At one point she said that the problem was infantilizing women. I don't know about you, but I don't feel infantilized. This of course made me think of being treated like a child, which in turn made me think of traditional child rearing. While she meant that we are treated as though we can't make our own rules, we can't make our own choices, that we need a husband to beat that into us. She's completely ignorant. She's a media slimeball. As much as I stomp and whine loudly that what she did was unfair, it won't stop her and people like her from doing it again.


And I don't know about you, but I can say with utmost certainty that I am not abused. How about you?

Big (((hugs))) to you and yours, and to all we have loved and lost through this travesty.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Near Misses, Trust, and Motocycles

Since the End of the World and the subsequent stubbornness, things in our life have turned quite the corner. Hubby has been very insistent and consistent with me. He has been telling me what he wants, whether it be for me to be to work on time or for me to do a little wo-manscaping (tmi?). And you know what? I LIKE it.


Now lest you think this is all butterflies and roses, I assure you that it is not. It's more like butterflies and minefields. I have a tendency to dance near the minefields. I almost got in big BIG trouble Thursday morning. I was so tired that I fell back to sleep while Hubby took the kids to their respective summer day camps. I kept waking up thinking that I would get up by 8:15 so I could be ready-ish by 8:30. Nope. 8:30 came and Hubby, who had been waiting outside in his car until then, came in and woke me up with a stern look and voice that had me up and out of bed immediately. He said that he was almost tempted to "help" me get motivated after my shower. I politely declined. Instead, I stood as close to him as I could, my chest touching his belly, and looked up into his eyes, making sure he knew that I am submissive to him and he is dominant over me, even more so with his boots on. This was my "shot across the bow", my near miss. He warned me that the next morning, he would wait until 8:31 and then properly motivate me, bottom first. Not only do I believe him at his word, but I decidedly will NOT test him on it. I do not want a corrective action. Thank you but no.


What has this change in him accomplished for me? Well certainly change in me for one. I don't want to test him. I dread the first time I dance too close to a mine and trip it. My butt, and the ability to sit for the following week, are at stake. I'm no dummy. Well, not usually anyway. Second, I know he cares about me. I am no longer his last priority. I am his first. He is watching me. He is making sure I am obeying him. He is asking me to do things and expecting that they get done. He is demanding my hand to hold in the movie theater. I know I am his, and furthermore, that he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me. ME! This excites me to no end. And you know what else? I trust him. I trust him at his word. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my life. I belong to him and he to me.


What is it about ttwd that incites so much trust? I've never felt this way about him. Bear with me for a long aside if you will...Shortly before ttwd, I used to take motorcycle rides with Hubby. I hate motorcycles. I hate the idea of them. I really hate Hubby going everywhere on one because I don't trust the other drivers to see him. I've witnessed a motorcycle accident happen right in front of me last year. 4 teenage boys cramped up in a tiny sedan switched lanes without looking and clipped the rider in front of me. His body flipped around like a ragdoll and he hit the guardrail head first. Thankfully he was wearing a helmet. I stayed long enough to ensure he was being properly cared for and that cars didn't needlessly barrel into the wreck. They didn't need another witness when there were a dozen standing around. As soon as the authorities arrived, I made my way home. The teenagers didn't seem to take it very seriously. Disappointing...

I was transported back in time to highschool, to my friend Kelly. He was the only boy I ever knew that had a girls name. We were really good friends until one day he just disappeared. Come to find out later on that he had just lost both of his parents. They were out riding on their motorcycle and having fun, took a corner too fast, and slid on some gravel, killing them both instantly...leaving poor Kelly abandoned, alone, orphaned. He was never the same. He almost acted as if he didn't know me. I'm sure it was the heavy drugs they put him on to mask the pain.

So you see, I have fear behind my hatred of the darn things. They are lacking 2 more wheels and doors...Doors would be nice... I imagine the worst when Hubby is out on that thing. I'm terrified of them. I have to have a couple glasses of wine in order to relax enough to ride. Or at least I did...

We went out for a movie date yesterday to see Iron Man 3. It was a gorgeous day. The motorcycle called to him. I agreed to ride with him, after all, it had been a while. I braced myself for the panic that always arises on such occasions, but it didn't come. I tried to wrap my brain around it. Why am I not afraid? Where is my panic? My anxiety that comes in waves and punches me in the heart at every turn? Vanished. Gone.

In previous rides, before ttwd, I was consciously trying to force trust. Surrendering myself to fate and to my husband's skill did not take away the anxiety. I still tried to force it. I kept thinking that the more I exposed myself to it, the more accustomed I would become and therefore less fearful. But that didn't happen. I was still afraid. Terrified even.  And then along comes ttwd and changes everything.

I spent most of the ride contemplating the "why" until I just gave in and let my arms go out on each side. I imagined that I was flying at a very low altitude, just like the one and only flying dream I've ever had. I was free. I was happy. I was ready to go again.


So I can't exactly answer why I trust. I just do. And I am happy. That's all that matters.

What changes have you experienced since ttwd? Can't wait to read your responses!

(((hugs)))

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Stubborn Much?


Yes. Yes, I know... My last post was overly dramatic and apparently quite common. I'm really thinking ttwd needs to come with a manual; a kind of roadmap of what to expect along the way. Proclaiming in frustrated tears that it's all over and you will never return and you will be sad forever and forever is just one of the many dips in the ttwd road to marital bliss. To be fair, I almost called it all off last month too, so I think a lot of it has to do with hormones, at least on my end. Also, it was about May of last year that I had a pretty big breakdown, so it could also be that time of year? Who knows...

Our timeline of decline went something like this:
Sunday night: TnT and new rule
Monday: Break rule
Tuesday: Break rule again
Wednesday: Get angry at Hubby for not noticing that I broke the rule twice. Stay up late fighting. Get nothing resolved.
Thursday: Fight more. Resolve nothing yet again. Sob hysterically together. The end of the world has come. Decide that ttwd is over for us.
Friday: Tearful goodbye post. Gather all implements and anything else that could remind me of ttwd and put in trash bag on bed. Stay in bed all day. Have unproductive lunchtime talk with Hubby. Stay in bed more. Finally have one last talk after kids in bed. Make up. Ttwd back on.
What did I learn from this week of craziness? Oh soooo much! First of all, I am stubborn.



Yep...that's me! I think that ttwd should go one way and that's mine. Hubby disagrees. Once again, this is another reason to not compare yourself to other couples in blogland. I wasn't so much comparing us to other couples, as adding what they had to my list of things I want RIGHT NOW. So while I tell Hubby that I want him to lead me and our merry band of rebels, I want him to lead my way. Huh? What's that? I'm not supposed to control the leader? Who says? Oh...


Next thing you know, all hell breaks loose in my all or nothing world. I'm upset because I need Hubby to make me a priority and pay more attention to me. He's upset because while ttwd is hard for him, especially the spanking part, he just wants to make me happy and that doesn't seem to be happening.

Our final conversation went something like this:

You didn't even go 24 hours before breaking the new rule!

You had no intention of following through!

But you didn't give me a chance.

I gave you two days. And besides, you didn't take the cane with you to work and you weren't in your office where I was supposed to meet you no later than 9:05. You didn't even know where I was.

How was I supposed to know unless you tell me? 

If you paid closer attention to me then you would know.

Well, I'm not a tyrant. But that's what you need, isn't it? That's what you are asking of me?

I don't know. Probably. I just know that I'm not always going to rat myself out. 

Okay. If you need a tyrant, I can certainly try to do that for you. 

A few more words and then I was rolled over for a magnet flipping I requested. He started off with the spoon and decided that was what he was taking to work with him to take care of me if need be. It packs quite the sting, even over jeans. Yeeeeeouch!!!

The down the pants and panties went and it was off to the races. He brought out the closer and told me something that surprised the heck out of me. He wasn't sure how much I needed him to spank and it seemed to him that it was never quite enough. He told me that he was going to keep spanking me until I told him to stop.


He spanked for a very long time. Hard. Over and over. I said ouch and owieeee and yelped and groaned. I twisted and turned. I tried to get out of the way but his hand stayed steadfast on my lower back, holding me in place. He alternated cheeks. He stayed with one for several swats and then went to the other. He sped up. He slowed down. He sped up again. I was breathing hard and fast. My butt was on FIRE. He reminded me that I could tell him to stop any time I felt I had had enough. I am a stubborn one. I wasn't giving in until I was darn good and ready too. Okay, I'm darn good and ready now. STOP!



He laid atop me, his weight reassuring me that he loves me and he's here for me. And that was all I needed. My fight was all gone. It had left me completely. I felt his overwhelming love for me in that moment. I thanked him because I knew how hard that had to be for him, waiting for me to say "stop". I apologized yet again for the trainwreck I caused.

I told him that I would stop trying to make ttwd into something it's not ready to be. We will get there soon enough. It doesn't all happen at once. And it certainly doesn't happen in one rule. He can mold it into what he thinks is best for us (with a little input from me of course) and I will follow his lead.

I will not break rules on purpose, especially since he will have the wooden spoon and he knows how much I can take, which is apparently a lot more that either of us thought.

I will have enough respect for him and myself to give my best effort every day.

I am stubborn. But so is he. (I may be a bit more stubborn though as evident by my purple bottom lol)


And they lived happily ever after...

Friday, May 31, 2013

The End: A Tearful Goodbye


Yes. You read that right. This is the end. It's not "goodbye for now", it's goodbye forever.

The night before last was one of the worst night's sleep either of us has had. First we fought because he was upset that I didn't stand up to him when it came to a business decision. He called me childish and said I should've told him to eff-off instead of backing down. I kneeled and forced myself to stay during the argument, as much as I just wanted to get up and run away.
Later, I brought up the testing incidents. This brought in another round of fighting. There was no "winning" for either of us. We couldn't resolve it. He accused me of playing games. I told him that he was not a man of his word. It's amazing how deeply you can cut someone without so much as a pocket knife. 

Yesterday, our day went okay. We finally started acting congenial with each other. I think that either of us would do anything to get over this issue between us. But it all came to a head last night. I told him we needed to talk and he asked about what. I didn't know where to start. I thought maybe he had something to say to me; something regarding the unresolved issues from the night before. I had emailed him something. I texted him my really bad drawing of how I felt about us and ttwd. I wasn't sure what else to say. I asked for a TnT. But it was almost as if he ignored me.



We fought again. He wanted me talk to him. I shut down, closed up, walls protecting every side. I was spiraling out of control. He was at a loss. It looked like another night of ignoring the elephant in the room. I rolled over and tried to hold back outright sobs. Before I knew it, he was crying too. We sobbed hysterically in each other's arms. He kept saying he was sorry he couldn't be the man I needed him to be. I couldn't believe what I had done. How could I have been so selfish? 

Something in me snapped. I knew that ttwd was over for good. I couldn't do this to the love of my life any longer. I made him cry. What kind of wife am I to hurt him like this? He was, is, and always will be the man I need him to be. I am nothing without him. Nothing! And nothing is worth the hurt that I caused. I am ashamed of myself. 

I used to beat myself up over every little thing. I would tell myself horrible things. Ttwd took all that away. The guilt and anguish disappeared with every swat. I was stronger, and yet somehow weaker. I thought that this was better for me. But it wasn't better for him. He cannot stand to hurt others and as much as he tried to tell himself that spanking was good for me, he couldn't get himself to believe it. 

I cannot and will not try to change him for my own selfish desires. The absolute horror of not being able to calm Hubby down was enough of a wakeup call to me to say that it was time to put a stop to this. Enough is enough. We had a go at trying it my way and it didn't work. I will not risk my marriage, or my husbands mental/emotional well-being for this. I can shut it off. And I have. I took all my implements and threw them away. I've deleted apps for communicating with my online friends off my phone. I am tearfully, yet very willingly saying goodbye to all that I've come to know in the past year. I will never again ask for so much as a swat. While we've gotten so close by this method, we will figure out another way. I am forcing the genie back into his bottle. 

I will leave you with one last thing. This song was playing in my head all yesterday and has yet to stop. It seems that it fit more than I would have liked. We'll get through this. We're not broken, just bent...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?!


Yesterday, I decided to test my rule about being to the office no later than 9:05 (8:30 is the goal).

What?!?! That's a brand spanking new rule. Why would you do that?

Well. Here's the thing. I don't know. I guess I wanted to test Hubby's resolve. I know. Bad idea. So why did I do it?

I had a lot of thoughts run through my head yesterday morning. "Would he do it? Would he really spank me?" "Really really?" "Would it be like previous corrective actions (prior to our ttwd restart)? A few measured out swats and that's it?" "Or it could be the worst spanking of your life!" "He probably won't do it." "He might..." I checked the implement drawer. Everything was in place. He hadn't taken the cane with him; the promised corrective action implement. "He's not gonna do it." Later I checked the video cameras we have set up at my business. He was there at my assistant's desk working. "He's not even in his office! I would've shown up and he wouldn't have been there. Well, screw him! He never had any intention of going through with it." "Do you really want to test this?" "Yes. Yes I do."

Thoughts continued to roll around inside my thick skull; my angel and devil duking it out on my shoulders. I checked the time. I had 10 minutes to get there. "Plenty of time if you leave now." "Does it even matter?" "You should try anyway" "No! I promised the MIL I would get her nails done today and I have to get them done early so I can pick up the kids. I'm gonna get my nail stuff together. He's not even gonna notice...big jerk head." I decided to go take care of my ticket from the collision I caused. Careless driving. $166 plus whatever the charge to get to take the class, which is a whole other charge. On the drive over, I got a little scared. "You should've at least stopped by. What if you get spanked really Really HARD?" "Nah. He's too busy to deal with me. He probably won't even remember. I think it's safe to say this rule is not getting enforced."

I got a phone call from Hubby at 10. I had just gotten back in the car from the courthouse. He asked where I was. I told him I was just leaving the courthouse. Technically, I lied. Yeah. You know that thing I said I wouldn't do? I actually had been in the parking lot for about 5 minutes playing Candy Crush (Stupid addictive game). Little, itty bitty, teensy weensy, inconsequential, LIE. "Why did you lie?" "I don't know...Shut Up!" I reminded him that i needed to take care of that ticket.

Hubby: Oh yeah. You had to get that done first thing this morning, right?
Me: Well, no...I coulda stopped by...Umm...yes. I had to get it done today.
Hubby: Could you pick me up an Amp on the way to the shop? I only had one cup of coffee and I'm dragging.
Me: Sure.

"I answered him. So what if it wasn't exactly accurate?" "Well now if your pants light on fire from that spanking your going to get for lying, don't blame me!" "Shut. Up!" Yes, I needed to get it done today. Yes, I could've checked into the office first as requested, and done so on time. But my little devil and I were too busy high-fiving to care and Hubby didn't seem to care either. "So there!" *Angel shakes head but gives up and walks away*

I expected at least a little warning about consequences to come. Maybe the tiniest hint? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Would he make me come home for a lunchtime correction? Not enough time to even have lunch together, let alone take care of business. Do I want a spanking? Well, not really. I would much rather be good for Hubby. But I just can't help but test him. At least until I know he will back it up with action. And by action, I mean, make me NEVER EVER want to disobey him again. I need those boundaries; that reassurance that he's paying attention. To know that he'll catch me when I fall and that he'll not let me get away with anything when I fail, especially when I'm testing him.

So there you have it. That's why I did what I did and didn't do what I was supposed to. So what happened? Well...





Nothing. 

Not a word about it. We had a great, uneventful, quiet night. We made love and it was wonderful as always. But no follow-through.

This morning, I have a choice. I can be there as expected, or I can listen to that devil again and do my own thing. "Ugh! I hate these stupid choices." "Really you should try."


Hubby: 8:30? (said with a hint of a warning as he was on his way to take the kids to school)
Me: (grumbling in the affirmative-maybe-unwilling-crankiness)

After he left, I got up and checked the implement drawer. Everything is still in place...


(((hugs)))

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

TnT Brings on a New Rule


All I can say right now is ouch. Every time I sit down. Ouch! This was a TnT to remember. I couldn't believe how much there was to go over even though we had just talked a few days before. Hubby is getting the hang of wearing his HoH hat. Well...I did ask for it...

This TnT session is brought to you by the letter Ow and the number...I lost count.

When Hubby has a mind to, he can get downright talkative. If it weren't for the fact that he makes so much sense... Those swats can really get to a girl after a while. While I didn't cry this time, I surely wanted to by the end of it. I even thought I might need more and he gladly assisted. Yeah...I don't know what I was thinking.

Our topics of discussion were:

Projects: Surprise, surprise! I spent the better part of last week cleaning up after my last project, the bedroom painting. The bedroom looks great by the way. Unfortunately, the contents of it spilled over into the dining area. I was instructed to clean that up as well as the rest of the dining room just for good measure. I did not do that without complaint however. But he's just  happy that it got done. The takeaway from this? No more big projects without proper planning. Divide the project into smaller ones so it will get done eventually without messes left behind.

Procrastination: What? Who? Me? Ha! Okay. Okay!... I procrastinate like it's an olympic sport. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of people counting on me. My employees need me to keep things going. My family depends on me working. And we've got a big thing coming up soon and not much time to get stuff together. No more procrastinating! To that end, a new ruleI am to be up and out of the house by 8:30, 9 at the latest. But don't I dare wait until 9 to leave because I am to check into Hubby's office (he owns his own business as well and has an office space to himself) no later than 9:05. If I am late, I get greeted by the cane (because it's quiet and won't alert the neighbors). I'm thinking being late would be a baaaaaad idea.

Deception: Yes, we needed to address the deception I tried to hide over the project. I was supposed to move everything out of the room except the furniture. That way, when it was getting painted, there wouldn't be a whole lot to trip over. Also, the idea was to move out and then move back in. Well that's not what I did. But I tried to conceal that fact. What I did was move everything to the center of the room. I tried to put everything on the bed and what didn't fit was shoved next to it. I felt horrible about trying to deceive him. The fact that it was a purposeful act made me feel all the more guilty. How do we deal with guilt? That's right. Bring on the closer! OUCH! I will not try to conceal, lie, or otherwise deceive Hubby. I am to be honest about all things. Period. Guilt gone? For the most part. When I think about what I did I feel so ashamed. I keep asking myself "Why?" but I don't have the answer. What was I thinking? I don't know. I hope I never do it again. The lying needs to stop. I don't know where it came from or why it continues, but I have got to start being completely honest. And it's little things. It's not like I'm trying to hide something terrible. I've been doing this since before ttwd, so it's not like it's a new thing. Do you catch yourself in lies? What do you do about it?

Glad that's over. Let's hope I make it to his office in time!

(((hugs)))

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Fantasy Boot Camp Part 2

If you haven't yet read Fantasy Boot Camp Part 1, please do so now. It explains in detail about what my fantasy of boot camp with my husband could be like. It's not a typical girly-girl fantasy. I decided to go more realistic.

-----------



The alarm beeped loudly and annoyingly at 6:30 am. Since the kids weren't home, I saw no reason to get up so darn early. Hubby had set the alarm. Just as I reached for the snooze button, he said, "Turn it off and get out of bed. Now." I whined in my classic I-don't-wanna-and-I'm-gonna-pout-til-you-feel-sorry-for-me-and-give-in way. It had no effect. Apparently he had already gotten up, showered, and dressed. He ordered me into the shower and don't I dare get back into bed. There was work to do! Ugh...

I did as I was told. When I exited our room, he immediately escorted me out the door. We were going to take a nice brisk, early morning walk. He explained to me that from now on, and he would add it to the rules list, that I was to get up when the alarm went off and not a minute later. No more snooze button. I grew indignant at that new rule. One of my few pleasures in life is to purposefully ignore that blasted alarm clock. Now I was sure it would be the bane of my existence.

Our walk completed, it was time for our first homework assignment of the day. We decided to work on easier homework assignments since we determined that the corrective action assignments were all spanking and bound to be both mentally and emotionally taxing for both of us. He again prayed for our day, that we would become a stronger couple for Him, and finish out our boot camp with the love and respect that He intended for us. We each sat down and worked on our relationship components; rating the components and thinking up ways to improve those areas. As I delved into it, I realized that while a lot of things were near perfect, other's were far from it; patience and responsibility being the two I was most concerned with. It was very interesting to see how our views differed on this assignment.

At our breakfast break, I again toyed with my food. My mind was completely on our first corrective action spanking (CAS) exercise. We were instructed by the guide not to talk nor plan out this first session. We were to act as naturally as possible and do what felt right. But we often have different ideas about things. There was no way around it but through it. Hubby saw my nervous anticipation and decided to cut breakfast short for both of our sakes. We could get back to breakfast afterward.

He led me to the bedroom and instructed me to drop my pants. I did as he said, leaving my panties in place, and then bent over the bed. He told me to place my feet shoulder width apart as he placed his hand on the small of my back. My stomach clenched in anticipation of the first smacks. He started lecturing about my projects, because even though the spankings aren't supposed to correct a negative action, he can't spank without reason, be it for fun or for correction. His hand came down, swatting each cheek repeatedly, one blow following the next. Next, he brought out the leather paddle we call "The Motivator". While the swats were hard, they were few. He then pulled down my panties to reveal my slightly pink bottom.

He massaged my bottom and the tops of my thighs. He started to speak again about the importance of finishing what I started before swatting away again. He picked up the paddle once more and spanked, a bit more intense, yet few again. He massaged and talked again. He was bent over beside me, practically whispering in my ear as he rubbed the heat into my skin. He picked up the paddle and spanked the tops of my thighs, at that ever sensitive sits spot. My breath hitched with each blow. I wasn't sure what to think, so I savored it all and waited for it's climax. He laid down the paddle in favor of is favorite implement, "the Closer", a wooden paddle with holes throughout that left a sting you would not believe. A few spanks with it and I was practically jumping in place. He bent beside me and held me. He hated to see me in pain, which is why we had never done a real CAS before. Hubby can be so empathetic, it often gets in the way of the responsibility to enforce necessary actions.

He stood me up, turned me around, and had me sit next to him at the end of the bed. He held me tight as we slowed our breathing together. Emotionally I was nowhere near tears and the physical sting only lingered seconds really. I've had more intense spankings during our TnT sessions. He asked me if I would rather eat  or talk now. I needed a few minutes to collect my thoughts before we delved into the particulars of our first spanking of the day, so I opted for eating. I chewed quietly, thoughtfully, as did he. I tried to order my thoughts so I could speak effectively. I knew this first time wouldn't go as I had planned so carefully in my head, but it was as much my fault as his.

We decided to lay on the bed together. We held hands and stroked each other as we talked. This intimate pillow talk is how we dealt with most things of this nature. He was very receptive to all I had to say about the spanking. I needed him to be less empathetic and more strict disciplinarian. I wanted future CAS's to be dramatically different and easily separated from our TnT and play time spankings. In my mind, there had to be a contrast or it wouldn't be effective. In essence, I needed the CAS to be something I feared so that I would stay properly motivated. I assured him that it wasn't he I would fear, I could never fear him. He's my love. But the CAS should be feared. I'm not afraid of a few swats. I'm not afraid of the suggestion that it could be worse. And I told him to not stop just because I was yelling "Ow!" and "Owieeeeee" and "Ouch". It's supposed to hurt. This is supposed to cause outbursts of "Ow!" and "Stop" and "I'm Sorry!!!" and "I promise" and tears and sobbing. That doesn't mean it stops short. It needs to play through to completion.

On his end, Hubby needed me to stay still and not jump around so much. I said that all I could do is try. Reminders during the CAS would be helpful. He promised to help me remember. It sounded more like a threat to me though. He told me he could tell I wasn't in the right mindset to receive a CAS. It may have been nerves, but our next one should prove to be better, maybe even easier for both of us. We hugged and held each other for several minutes, breathing in unison.

It was time to get up and start the next homework assignment. I was very happy about this one since it was right up my alley; crafting! We were going to put together a date night jar. He would type out ideas for date nights, print them out, and cut them into slips for each idea. I got to decorate the jar. Yay! So I went a little crazy at the craft store for this one. It was a mini project and I got to use my glue gun. Nothing makes me happier than my glue gun. The only thing we needed to do was set a date night and get a steady babysitter. A few phone calls and we could have the answer by the end of the day. Mission accomplished. We both knew the importance of continuing to date each other. We certainly couldn't afford to not put us as a priority.

For lunch we decided to go out and get some fresh air. Well, as much fresh air as we could get at our favorite Cheers-like hang out. We ordered our usuals and made chit chat with the other regulars. It was a relaxing time and great to get out of the house, even if just for a little while. We stopped at the store so we could get a few things to enjoy for dinner and celebrate the night after completion of boot camp. Coming home meant one thing; time for CAS exercise 2. I didn't have high hopes about it and really just wanted to get it over with.

I sighed as we entered the house. We put away groceries and he leaned in for a kiss. Both of us knew what was coming. He hugged me and said that we should get it over with. I sighed again, my heart in my throat. We entered the room and he instructed me to get ready. I pulled down my pants and assumed my position bent over the end of the bed. As he lightly rubbed his hand over my panties, he asked why we were "here"? I told him that we were addressing my need to start projects but never finish them. He said that a lot of what he was about to say would be repeating his earlier lectures, but that he felt it was warranted considering my lengthy history with this particular issue.

His hand started swatting like it was on a mission to light a fire with the radiant heat that would soon emanate from my punished bottom. Once he moved to the leather paddle, I knew I was in for it. The swats were hard. He didn't hold back. It was if he had a number in his head and he was sticking to it no matter how much I yelped. The panties came down and rubbing and hand-swatting alternated as he punctuated his statements. I was not getting out of this one. He had taken a whole new attitude. He reminded me of the time he was helping me move out of my apartment and into his and how he made me throw away 3 large bags of jeans I had saved up to make a denim quilt. He said that he wished he knew then that a spanking would've saved him years of frustration and me years of guilt.

He grabbed the leather paddle and spanked in earnest. I started to jump but he swatted lower on my thighs and warned that unless I wanted more there, then I should stop. I moaned and whimpered in frustration. I couldn't catch my breath. He stopped just short of me apologizing profusely and begging him to stop, like he knew I was at a breaking point. He rubbed my red cheeks and started talking again. His words grew in intensity and strength and meaning. I had no doubt in my mind that he didn't want to have this talk again, but he would if I pushed it. Even with my mini project we just completed, I had left a mess in my wake. He let it be known that he would not put up with it any more. The third volley of swats with the leather and then the wooden paddles had me gasping for breath. I had made it past my anger to a space where the tears were about to come. A burning sting radiated through me. With every spank of the wooden paddle, I came to understand the need for this. It was slowly erasing my guilt.

Hubby dropped the implement in his hand and collapsed on top of me. He held me tight once more. He felt this punishment as surely as I did. We knew, as we looked into each other's eyes, that this CAS was finished, but the issue was not over yet. We had to do this one more time before the day was done. Neither of us wanted to. But boot camp isn't about what we want to do. Hubby, having been through 3 separate boot camps for different reasons (beginning, school, and something else I can't remember), knew from experience that it's about tearing us down and building us back up stronger and better than before. And it was equally hard on both of us. I may have to endure 3 pretty intense spankings when all is said and done, but I'm learning so much about being submissive and what to fear and what to respect. He is learning that he has to be strong and be a man of his word in this, even though he desperately doesn't want to. I became awed over the strength that he had to possess in order to accomplish this task. He was my rock and forever would be. My love for him poured out in kisses all over his face.

A short rest and we were ready for the next homework assignment; Bible verses. Because the assignment was relatively short, we decided to come up with a plan to put our spiritual lives first. We outlined an evening ritual for prayer and bible study. We wanted to include God more in our lives. We had been grossly negligent in that aspect and it showed in the way our home looked, in our financial situation, and in our parenting. Such simple principles seemed so hard for us to navigate. And now we are dealing with the outcome. But it wasn't to late to change. Our lives would be the better for it all. We just needed this boot camp experience to push us in the right direction, and then use the momentum to better all aspects of our lives. This wasn't because I am a "spanko". There's plenty of time for that when we have our adult play time. This was for us, all of us. With strength and discipline, we could make this work.

I made a salad while Hubby grilled steak. He's perfected steak grilling over the years. The right cut, the right seasoning, the right grilling time... He had it down. I was happy just to put a simple salad together and some instant mashed potatoes. Hubby put on some soft music in the background. I felt like it was our first date all over again. It felt as though we had a fresh start. Even though we knew each other for years, we were new again. We smiled at each other, made small talk, shared inside jokes. We talked about what we would most like to watch after we were done with our last assignment; most decidedly something light and funny. Snacks and dessert. Comfort to come.

At the announcement from Hubby that it was time for our final CAS, something in me snapped. I had such a good time at dinner and I didn't feel like having a CAS right then. I got downright cranky. This is when Mr. HoH/Drill Sergeant decided to take me in hand once and for all. He backed me up against the wall, pinning me there with his weight, and towering over me, he bored holes through my eyes into my soul. He said, "You will obey me!" and I melted into a puddle of submission. He saw in my eyes that he had conquered me once and for all. Now it was just time to get down to the business that neither of us wanted to, but this was boot camp and it was getting done. This was a taste of what was to come if I chose to disobey. I was going to get what I wanted; fear of that kind of spanking. I may have already been sore from earlier "exercises" but even in real boot camp you will do pushups with sore and tired arms until you are crying in pain and then even past that.

I assumed the position; pants down, legs apart, hands on the bed above my head. I couldn't tell if my heart was beating fast or had stopped completely. I know I stopped breathing. He told me he was sorry he had to do this, but it was necessary. It was the only way to get through to me that this project problem had to stop. I was no longer allowed to start any project without his permission first, no matter how small or insignificant I thought it was. I was to start completing past projects, starting with the ones stacked in our closet. Each project I presented for completion would be approved by him and a time limit set. It was no longer a matter of whether the project was important or necessary. It was the principle of it. Finish what you start. He asked if I was ready and with a deep breath I said I was.

He swatted with his hand the already sore areas of my rear. I winced and whined. He started his lecture anew, emboldened by his triumph over my will. "Why are we here?" he asked. "Because I...ow...I...uh...my unfinished projects" I managed to get out between swats. "Why else?" he prodded. "Because from...owwww....now on....ahhhh...I have to ask...owieeeee...permission to start....oooooohhhh...projects" I said through gritted teeth. "Are you angry?" he asked, but didn't wait for my answer. "Because I am. All these years. All this clutter. It's not acceptable and I won't put up with it any more." And with that he yanked down my panties. He brought out the leather paddle again and rubbed my flaming cheeks with it's cool smoothness. "What are we going to do about it?" he asked as he kept rubbing. I must've hesitated a second too long because the paddle came down on me as he punctuated each word of his question again. "What" smack "are" smack "we" smack "going" smack "to" smack "do" smack "about" smack "it?" smack-smack-smack. I was nearly out of breath as I clenched my jaw and the words "finish what I start" dripped with venom from my lips. He paused.

My attitude was clearly in need of adjusting. While I was tired of the subject, I had not yet submitted to his lead. In my head I had thought of dozens of ways around this new rule. I didn't want to submit to it. After all, I can speed just enough to not get caught. Where there's a will... My thoughts were broken by the crack of the wooden paddle on my flesh. "You will obey me in this." he said matter-of-factly. He had found a rhythm with this tool and planned to use it effectively. His words poured out over me seeking to reach the depths of my soul. Over and over he told me that he loved me but this attitude was going to stop. He needed me to accept his lead in this matter. That the expense and the clutter hurt us both. And that if I was watching our children at all, I could easily see that my actions were infecting them. At the mention of our children, I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Tears poured out. I couldn't hold back the gut-wrenching sobs. My guilt that I had largely ignored was finally coming to the surface. It just needed a way out to make a change.

He stopped the swatting and with one hand on the small of my back to keep me in place, he used the other to stroke my hair. "That's my girl" he said so sweetly and lovingly. "I want you to know that I love you so much. I'm sorry, but this next part is not going to be easy for either of us. And when we are done, I will hold you and we can talk." And with that, I heard the jingle of his belt and I knew. There was no going back. This is how it would be from now on. This was something to fear. And what made it all the more agonizing was knowing that I did this. Me. I was the cause of emotional distress. And when I do things like that, this is what will happen. No more conniving. No more sneaking. No more lies. All is laid bare.

He wielded the belt lightly at first and then increased the intensity as he laid his final points to rest. The pain was unquestionably different from any that our other implements induced. It was an ache that I never wanted to experience again and would at all costs avoid. And that was the point, was it not? For both of us to experience what a real corrective action spanking would be like? So different in every aspect that it could not be confused with anything else? There were no more questions. There was no more talk. The last slaps of the belt met a resounding echo of sobs and apologies. Hubby picked me up and held me. He covered me in kisses as he rubbed my tender flesh. We had come through it. We were strong. I had a deep respect for my husband. He could and would spank me. Because I asked him to. Because I needed him to. Because it was best for us and our family. This time it was I who was proud of him. He did the right thing. Upon telling him this, he sighed deeply and buried his head into my chest. I stroked his hair and kissed his head. One last squeeze and it was time to do one last homework assignment and then we were home free.

We finished out our boot camp experience with a Domestic Discipline Anniversary Letter. It was hard to imagine what one year later would look like. How many times did I break rules? How many times would I face the corner, or worse yet, the belt? I had imagined though that through it all I would come out a shining example of a wife and mother. For the betterment of all of us.

The rest of the night we laid in each other's arms. We skipped the movie, snacks, and ice cream. Instead we made sweet, tender love. We were both spent, our boot camp now over and the opportunity of a new life in front of us. I stayed in Hubby's capable arms all night; happy, content, cherished, loved...

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There is so much more to the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea at Learning Domestic Discipline than I "experienced" here. I encourage you to get a copy for your own. You will see that along with an outline of how it should go, there are several more punishment choices and dozens of exercises to chose from. Buy the book and the accompanying workbook if you are at all interested in this. It's not for everyone, but they really did do a good job with this book. I'm glad I bought it!
PS. No, I did not receive any sort of compensation for my endorsement. I wrote this solely because I believe it would work for me.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Fantasy Boot Camp Part 1


I have been curious. When I first heard about boot camp, I thought it was pretty brutal (by the descriptions I read) and that Hubby would never go for it. And then, on a whim, I bought a Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea from Learning Domestic Discipline  mostly because there was a promo wherein I was able to get the book, the workbook to go with it, and Consistently Inconsistent. The price couldn't be beat. Plus, the boot camp book was for beginners and promised to be easier to do, maybe even something I could get Hubby to agree to. Maybe...

I printed out every page and put them in plastic sleeves in a binder. I highlighted some important notes I wanted to make sure to tell Hubby as I explained what it was and why it would be good for us. And I also told him not to answer me right away, because I wanted him to think about it. There is a lot of work involved, including finding someone to watch the kids for 2 days, and homework aplenty.

Now, before you get all riled up, know that I've read the naysayers points of view. I've researched. But after reading what Clint and Chelsea wrote, I can honestly say that this approach just might work, and for all the right reasons. I really don't care how long they have been in DD or how little experience people seem to think they have. DD and Ttwd is not for everyone and if there is one thing I've learned over the past 11 months is that everyone does it differently. So, if you don't agree with it, I would suggest that you don't read any further.

This is a fantasy post. This has not happened yet. I do have high hopes that it will happen though. I believe it would make all the difference in getting our lives on track; chores, budget, schedules will all be regimented. Boundaries set. Expectations in line with reality. Consequences.

Day 1:

Woke up to the freedom of no kids. Ahhh...wonderful! Of course I was nervous as all get out. I had some idea of what was going to happen, but not everything. And really, Hubby's words always had a tendency to surprise me, so my expectations were that he would catch me off guard more than once during the experience. We had decided ahead of time what homework and punishment exercises we were going to do. Hubby didn't like the word "punishment" so we called it "corrective action".

First thing in the morning, Hubby sat with me and prayed. He wanted to make sure we were addressing our spiritual needs before anything else was to take place. Then, we set out to do our first homework assignment. It took some convincing that a rules list was needed, but Hubby finally acquiesced. We spent quite a bit of time deciding which rules had what consequence. Hubby isn't one to like to spank for every offense. He would much rather get creative. I had some trouble convincing him that a lot of the rules required, at the very least, a spanking. He could add all the creative corrective actions he wanted, but the spanking would get through to me the best.

When breakfast came, I found myself hungry and yet not wanting to eat. I toyed with my english muffin and sipped at my coffee. I almost felt as if I were in a daze. Could this really be happening? We will see...

The lecturing corrective action exercise was next. Boy could that man talk when he had a mind to do it. He had prepared in advance the issues he wished to address. He had a lot of practice with our TnT sessions, so this was a breeze for him. As he escorted me to our room, he told me what we were going to talk about; my projects. Ugh! I knew this would come up sooner or later, I was just hoping it would be later. I have a tendency to start projects and not finish them, or decide on a new project during a time crunch. He hates that. We talked long and hard about it. In the end, I understood his points and promised to do better. He in turn said that he was not done addressing the issue and that it would be the main topic for our journey through boot camp. I was less than thrilled.

We were on to our next homework assignment: the chores list. This one was a long time coming. He had his chores. I had mine but only got them done if absolutely necessary. We divided up the work and outlined the chores to the nth degree. The what, where, when, and how for each chore was charted, graphed, and in all other ways defined. I didn't realize how painful this assignment could be until I put it in the hands of my capable HoH. He was taking this whole thing quite seriously because he realized that if we wanted to live our lives as he imagined, we needed to get the nitty gritty details hammered out. No questions. No wiggle room. Of course, the most hated chores were the meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal preparation. I knew that was the one set of chores that would get me in trouble the most.

After lunch, we did another corrective action exercise; corner time. Hubby didn't like the idea of it because he thought that it was something reserved for children. I told him we should rename it then, because I thought that we should at least try it to see if it had any effect on me. We agreed that it would be called "quiet time" instead. I was still to stand in the corner behind our bedroom door, but it was quiet and I could spend time reflecting on whatever we needed to address. This corrective action would be especially handy if Hubby were ever too emotional (angry, frustrated, irritated) to deal with my behavior right away. I would be given instructions on what to think about during my quiet time. Of course, we again focused on my unfinished projects. I was pretty sure I would hate the idea of new projects by the time this was all over. Immediately upon arriving to the corner, I felt an attitude shift. My heart sank to my stomach. I thought about what was said during the lecture. My instructions were to tell him 3 reasons why I needed to finish the projects that I started. While the reasons were easy enough to come up with, I was full of conviction, to the point of tears. The punishment was more effective than either of us imagined. Hubby decided it was a keeper. I really wasn't sure I wanted to do this anymore.

Since this was day one, and so far the hardest and most exhausting thing I had ever done, it was time for more homework. We were about to tackle the thing I hated most; the budget. Hubby had already prepared most of the charts and graphs, he's a geek like that. As he started describing all the aspects of the budget, my eyes glazed over. He saw it happen and decided to put a stop to it immediately. He had me kneel on the floor, took both of my hands in his, and insisted that I look him in the eyes as he began to lecture me on the importance of how we spend our money. I was to fill out the homework while he poured over our financials. He made sure I had the app of his choosing on my phone so that I could keep good record of the ins and outs of our money. He wasn't going to let the topic go until I could answer all of his questions without hesitation. He needed to make sure I got it, because I wouldn't want to face the consequences if I didn't.

By the time dinner rolled around I was famished. Talking about our budget crises really made me hungry. But after dinner all I wanted to do was relax and watch some tube. Hubby did too, but being former military, he took the whole boot camp idea to heart. There was no time for tv. More work was to be done before we could call it a night. Time for another corrective action exercise; line writing. I hated it before it even started. My hand started to cramp up just thinking about it. He wanted 2 pages; I will not start a new project without permission. "Can't I just promise and call it good?" I pleaded. He just smiled and said no. He took away my phone to insure I wouldn't be distracted. I finished in good time and ruefully handed him the papers. I kept my hand out to let him know I wanted my phone back. He gave it back with the caveat that if he ever had to address this same issue in the future, I would have more than a cramped hand.

With that over, we went on to the next homework exercise; Pros and Cons to DD. This exercise was mostly for Hubby. I needed him to understand why this would work for us. He had always struggled with the discipline aspect in Domestic Discipline. I assured him that once he saw how well it worked, he would never want to go back. After all, this wasn't about breaking me, it was about breaking my bad habits and building new ones. This was going to be hard for both of us. But anything worthwhile isn't easy to attain. Together, we could conquer anything.

We had one last corrective action to get through before we could relax for the night. Hubby decided that I should do a chore. I was to clean all the mirrors and windows (ones I could reach). It would be finished completely before the night was over. It wasn't normally something I would think to do, so it made a perfect extra chore. My arms were tired afterward. I was ready to sit down and relax next to Hubby and watch something, anything. I was exhausted. No sooner did I flip up the recliner on the couch than my eyes closed and (according to Hubby) a rhythmic snoring escaped me. He woke me up later to help me stumble into bed. He stroked my cheek and said wonderful things about how proud he was of me and I fell back into a deep, peaceful slumber.

Coming soon: Fantasy Boot Camp Part 2

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There is so much more to the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea at Learning Domestic Discipline than I "experienced" here. I encourage you to get a copy for your own. You will see that along with an outline of how it should go, there are several more punishment choices and dozens of exercises to chose from. Buy the book and the accompanying workbook if you are at all interested in this. It's not for everyone, but they really did do a good job with this book. I'm glad I bought it!
PS. No, I did not receive any sort of compensation for my endorsement. I wrote this solely because I believe it would work for me.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want


Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Talk 'n Tap


Talk 'n Tap...sounds like a fun game, right? Yeah...not so much. But it is great connection time.

Hubby and I have had a Sunday night ritual, or at least it's becoming that, where I lay on the bed bared to him and he slides up next to me. He starts rubbing my back and bottom and starts talking about whatever is on his mind. This week it was the church sermon we heard on Sunday. He asked questions. I answered if I could. He started hand-spanking and rubbing. It has become a very nice way of connecting and keeping my attention.

As we continue through the talk, implements, speed, and ferocity change. The dimensions of the "tap" portion vary with the "talk". It comes in waves, with each one being more intense than the last. It's an intimate connection that I couldn't quite name, so Hubby did. He calls it Talk 'n Tap, aptly initialized as TnT. Seems fitting.

I can only best describe it as something like a maintenance/role affirmation/connection/lecture/stress release spanking all rolled into one. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes he doesn't push it because that's not what his aim is. This week he didn't aim for tears, just understanding.Sometimes the way to this girl's heart is through my butt. Yeah..that doesn't sound exactly how I mean it...Umm...moving on...


This week's TnT session was about the messages that Hubby ascertained through this Sunday's sermon. The first gem he picked up on was Success is when Preparation meets Opportunity. Our problem has been in the preparation. He talked and spanked as he used his Navy experience as a metaphor for preparation to go on a 6 month cruise. The second gem was that Faithfulness leads to Fruitfulness. All of this applies to our home life, how we run our businesses, and our faith. It's amazing how a paddle can drive these points home.

We both come away from these sessions with new motivation to better our lives. He knows how to wield his words as well as any implement. He asks questions and expects answers. He talks with a stern tone when he gets to the heart of his lecture. Through his words and the pain inflicted, I find a release. My stress melts away. His voice is all that matters. He speaks into the depth of me and I am his and his alone. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. I want only to please him.

This can be a pretty intense session. I love it. I crave it. I need it. I seriously can't wait until Sunday!

Do you have a ritual?

(((hugs)))

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Someone Else's Kids + Download


Yesterday was a pretty bad day. It started out okay from what I remember  I was pretty excited because we just had a business meeting, and while I was still unsure of where I was going with it, I still got some really good advice.

Since the lunch meeting was concluded by 1:10, I knew I would be early to my 2pm therapist appointment. This would be the first time ever I would be early/on time! I was jazzed. But then it happened...

The railroad crossing lights started flashing. Some cars sped up, some slowed. I, who am used to being late, forgot that I had plenty of time to spare and flipped over into aggressive driver mode.

I assumed the woman in front of me was going to punch it, and in preparation for that move, I too started to accelerate with a quickness. She stopped short. I slammed on my breaks, but it was too late. I slammed into her. And lest I neglect to mention it, I had my phone in my hand at the time of the accident.

I was not texting. I was trying to call a company and couldn't figure out why I was getting this weird message. I think that at the split second that I had to react to impending collision, I was lost in a thought while looking at my phone. Now, before you start yelling at me, just know that I have been properly chastised by many in the ttwd community already. Read the rest of the post, and you will see why this will NEVER EVER happen again.

Her Car

My car (after I put the center pieces back in)
As you can see by the pics, the damage was minimal. My van was more damaged than her car. A little trading of paint. I have a few cracks in the bumper. Did I mention she was driving a brand new 2013 Mercedes? Yeah... I am not sure I could've hit a more expensive car.

She was so sweet about the whole thing. Both of us were shook up. We ended up hugging. I felt so bad. She knew she stopped short. I knew I was following too close. I didn't mention the phone. I did get a ticket for careless driving. In order to keep the points off my record, I have to do a 4 hour online class. I've done this class before, and let me tell you, it is painful. They have a timer, so you can't just test and get it over with. You have to sit at your computer for 4 full hours. The last time I got a ticket, it was for speeding, and I think the cop was full of it but there's no fighting the cops in our town. They get paid overtime to show up to court and it's always their word against ours. Thankfully, this accident happened a few towns over and the cop was really nice.

You would think that the accident would've been enough to make me never want that stupid phone in my hand while driving again, but no. I didn't think twice when texting someone later on. It's become such a habit, that who knows how much time I spend on my phone while driving. But it didn't seem to matter to me, and that really bothered me.

Hubby hinted at a spanking later, but he wasn't really serious. When I spoke with him about the situation, he said that the same thing could've happened to him. He wasn't so happy to hear that the incident didn't change my behavior. I felt guilty as hell. As we spoke, I could feel the weight of my errors crushing me. I started to cry. I told him I felt really guilty about it and he offered to help me with a spanking. I agreed.

He started with the cane, which really surprised me, but this was serious spanking. He lectured me on how he needed me and the kids needed me. He couldn't lose me over something as stupid as a phone. He switched to the "closer" and said the one thing that made it all clear to me, "What if it were someone else's kids you killed because you were being careless?" I completely lost it. My life doesn't mean as much as it should to me. But to kill someone else's kids? Because I wanted to check my email? That was the clencher. And that is why I will NEVER EVER do it again. The spanking hurt. The words hurt worse.

My phone now has a designated cubby in the car where it will be the entire time I am driving. If I need to look at something, check for directions, make a phone call, or text someone, I can pull over and get my phone out. There are plenty of parking lots around and no excuses.

Furthermore, I made a lock-screen wallpaper for my phone. Any time I push a button to wake it up, the picture there is enough to catch my attention. I am sharing it with you so if you would like, you can use it on your phone. I can alter it for you if you would like, just email me. Here's how it looks on my phone:


And here is the pic you can copy for yours:

distracted driving iphone wallpaper


Please trust me that this will never happen again. I am so sorry about it. And I have paid, and will continue to pay for a while to come, the price for my poor decisions. I will never do it again. And I hope that if you have this habit, that you will take into consideration what is at stake here. It's not just your life, or the lives of your family, but other's too. If that lady didn't have her foot on the brake, I could've pushed her into the path of an oncoming train. I know this. My eyes are open, and from now on, they are on the road, not on my stupid phone.

And if for some reason I backslide, my phone will be taken away from me and replaced with a flip phone that has no access to anything. But trust me, this won't happen. My phone will always remind me that it's a bad idea.

Please be kind in your comments. I'm already sorry.

(((hugs)))

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Meme Hubby Style

I've seen this meme going around and seriously, I was not going to do it until I read Terp's answers and realized how much we have in common. I figured I'd better share too.


1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Nascar, hockey, or if I'm there, something we've dvr'd.

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Blue cheese

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?
His dark hair and seriously long eyelashes, that thankfully both of our kiddos inherited.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?
Beer. Usually Yling Yling or Mich Ultra.

5. Where did he go to high school?
In the same city we live in now. He hopes our kids graduate from their too.

6. What size shoe does he wear?
10.5-11 depending on the shoe, but usually 11.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
If we had the space for it, that would probably be motorcycles. He has a passion and fascination with them.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
The man is a fan of food. He will eat just about any sandwich but his favorite is an Italian sub.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
He couldn't eat the same thing every day. He would go crazy.

10. What is his favorite cereal?
He doesn't like cereal. He loves making himself a pork roll sandwich for breakfast a few times a week.

11. What would he never wear?
Glitter. The man hates glitter with a passion. When our daughter was in preschool it was literally torture for him to have to reach down into her backpack and come out with a handful of the stuff.

12. What is his favorite sports team?
He follows NASCAR and NHL. He likes Brad Keselowski and Kyle Busch. And we go for the home team for hockey, or whomever is closest geographically.

13.Who did he vote for?
We voted opposite.

14. Who is his best friend?
He's always been weird about friends. I guess I would say its a guy who lives less than a mile away. And now he and his kids go to church with us. He's a good friend.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
Be clutteriffic. The man feels absolutely devastated by a messy house. But he married me anyway. Go figure...

16. What is his heritage?
Italian and Polish

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?
He loves him some ice cream cake.

18. Did he play sports in high school?
He was a cheerleader. He used to get teased by the football team for being gay but then he'd say to the captain, "Ha! I get to put my hands on your girlfriends butt!" And he'd laugh and laugh.

19. What could he spend hours doing?
Programming on his computer. The man is a total geek.

20. What is one unique talent he has?
He can melt me into a puddle in a split second with the touch of his hand.

This was interesting. I'm not a big fan of memes, but this one was okay. Kinda fun actually.

Does your HoH have anything in common with mine?

(((hugs)))