Sunday, June 30, 2013

They've Got it Backwards

I've been meaning to write for some time, but with all the community hubbub and personal time being cut short, it's been rough. I also am used to not speaking up about anything because of my business. You learn that you can be an easy target and whatever you say can be misconstrued and used against you and your business, no matter how you meant it. So, I am finally speaking my 2 cents for what it's worth.

First of all, I don't like bullies. They have jumped on the judgemental bandwagon on an attack mission, even though they have no idea what they are talking about or who the people are who've been unfortunately involved. At one point, I yelled at Hubby that it was unfair. These are the same people that believe everything they see on TV. They don't ask questions. They don't think. They refuse logic and common sense. They certainly can't see living a lifestyle other than their own. There is no tolerance. It's sad and unfair and makes me hate dumb people.

Secondly, they've got it all wrong. Mind you, this is my own opinion so don't hate me for saying this as I am just as guilty as the next person. We are products of our parents. How they raised us has a huge impact on how we raise our own children. But what if it's backwards? Excuse me while I postulate the possibility that we aren't meant to spank our children or set them in a corner. What child of that age has the capacity to understand those particular disciplines? Think about what emotions and thought processes you experience as you endure them? A child certainly doesn't understand anything that complex. So why do we equate spanking with a punishment meant for children? As I said, I am guilty of this. I have swatted my children for misbehaving. I don't do it anymore mind you. I have found other means of discipline that suit their individual personalities and it doesn't include physical punishments. It's not because I don't believe in it. It's because my kids don't respond to it. It doesn't carry any weight or meaning for them.

This particular thought process was brought about by watching the interview with the ugly hag that wrote the article. At one point she said that the problem was infantilizing women. I don't know about you, but I don't feel infantilized. This of course made me think of being treated like a child, which in turn made me think of traditional child rearing. While she meant that we are treated as though we can't make our own rules, we can't make our own choices, that we need a husband to beat that into us. She's completely ignorant. She's a media slimeball. As much as I stomp and whine loudly that what she did was unfair, it won't stop her and people like her from doing it again.

And I don't know about you, but I can say with utmost certainty that I am not abused. How about you?

Big (((hugs))) to you and yours, and to all we have loved and lost through this travesty.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Near Misses, Trust, and Motocycles

Since the End of the World and the subsequent stubbornness, things in our life have turned quite the corner. Hubby has been very insistent and consistent with me. He has been telling me what he wants, whether it be for me to be to work on time or for me to do a little wo-manscaping (tmi?). And you know what? I LIKE it.

Now lest you think this is all butterflies and roses, I assure you that it is not. It's more like butterflies and minefields. I have a tendency to dance near the minefields. I almost got in big BIG trouble Thursday morning. I was so tired that I fell back to sleep while Hubby took the kids to their respective summer day camps. I kept waking up thinking that I would get up by 8:15 so I could be ready-ish by 8:30. Nope. 8:30 came and Hubby, who had been waiting outside in his car until then, came in and woke me up with a stern look and voice that had me up and out of bed immediately. He said that he was almost tempted to "help" me get motivated after my shower. I politely declined. Instead, I stood as close to him as I could, my chest touching his belly, and looked up into his eyes, making sure he knew that I am submissive to him and he is dominant over me, even more so with his boots on. This was my "shot across the bow", my near miss. He warned me that the next morning, he would wait until 8:31 and then properly motivate me, bottom first. Not only do I believe him at his word, but I decidedly will NOT test him on it. I do not want a corrective action. Thank you but no.

What has this change in him accomplished for me? Well certainly change in me for one. I don't want to test him. I dread the first time I dance too close to a mine and trip it. My butt, and the ability to sit for the following week, are at stake. I'm no dummy. Well, not usually anyway. Second, I know he cares about me. I am no longer his last priority. I am his first. He is watching me. He is making sure I am obeying him. He is asking me to do things and expecting that they get done. He is demanding my hand to hold in the movie theater. I know I am his, and furthermore, that he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me. ME! This excites me to no end. And you know what else? I trust him. I trust him at his word. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my life. I belong to him and he to me.

What is it about ttwd that incites so much trust? I've never felt this way about him. Bear with me for a long aside if you will...Shortly before ttwd, I used to take motorcycle rides with Hubby. I hate motorcycles. I hate the idea of them. I really hate Hubby going everywhere on one because I don't trust the other drivers to see him. I've witnessed a motorcycle accident happen right in front of me last year. 4 teenage boys cramped up in a tiny sedan switched lanes without looking and clipped the rider in front of me. His body flipped around like a ragdoll and he hit the guardrail head first. Thankfully he was wearing a helmet. I stayed long enough to ensure he was being properly cared for and that cars didn't needlessly barrel into the wreck. They didn't need another witness when there were a dozen standing around. As soon as the authorities arrived, I made my way home. The teenagers didn't seem to take it very seriously. Disappointing...

I was transported back in time to highschool, to my friend Kelly. He was the only boy I ever knew that had a girls name. We were really good friends until one day he just disappeared. Come to find out later on that he had just lost both of his parents. They were out riding on their motorcycle and having fun, took a corner too fast, and slid on some gravel, killing them both instantly...leaving poor Kelly abandoned, alone, orphaned. He was never the same. He almost acted as if he didn't know me. I'm sure it was the heavy drugs they put him on to mask the pain.

So you see, I have fear behind my hatred of the darn things. They are lacking 2 more wheels and doors...Doors would be nice... I imagine the worst when Hubby is out on that thing. I'm terrified of them. I have to have a couple glasses of wine in order to relax enough to ride. Or at least I did...

We went out for a movie date yesterday to see Iron Man 3. It was a gorgeous day. The motorcycle called to him. I agreed to ride with him, after all, it had been a while. I braced myself for the panic that always arises on such occasions, but it didn't come. I tried to wrap my brain around it. Why am I not afraid? Where is my panic? My anxiety that comes in waves and punches me in the heart at every turn? Vanished. Gone.

In previous rides, before ttwd, I was consciously trying to force trust. Surrendering myself to fate and to my husband's skill did not take away the anxiety. I still tried to force it. I kept thinking that the more I exposed myself to it, the more accustomed I would become and therefore less fearful. But that didn't happen. I was still afraid. Terrified even.  And then along comes ttwd and changes everything.

I spent most of the ride contemplating the "why" until I just gave in and let my arms go out on each side. I imagined that I was flying at a very low altitude, just like the one and only flying dream I've ever had. I was free. I was happy. I was ready to go again.

So I can't exactly answer why I trust. I just do. And I am happy. That's all that matters.

What changes have you experienced since ttwd? Can't wait to read your responses!


Sunday, June 2, 2013

Stubborn Much?

Yes. Yes, I know... My last post was overly dramatic and apparently quite common. I'm really thinking ttwd needs to come with a manual; a kind of roadmap of what to expect along the way. Proclaiming in frustrated tears that it's all over and you will never return and you will be sad forever and forever is just one of the many dips in the ttwd road to marital bliss. To be fair, I almost called it all off last month too, so I think a lot of it has to do with hormones, at least on my end. Also, it was about May of last year that I had a pretty big breakdown, so it could also be that time of year? Who knows...

Our timeline of decline went something like this:
Sunday night: TnT and new rule
Monday: Break rule
Tuesday: Break rule again
Wednesday: Get angry at Hubby for not noticing that I broke the rule twice. Stay up late fighting. Get nothing resolved.
Thursday: Fight more. Resolve nothing yet again. Sob hysterically together. The end of the world has come. Decide that ttwd is over for us.
Friday: Tearful goodbye post. Gather all implements and anything else that could remind me of ttwd and put in trash bag on bed. Stay in bed all day. Have unproductive lunchtime talk with Hubby. Stay in bed more. Finally have one last talk after kids in bed. Make up. Ttwd back on.
What did I learn from this week of craziness? Oh soooo much! First of all, I am stubborn.

Yep...that's me! I think that ttwd should go one way and that's mine. Hubby disagrees. Once again, this is another reason to not compare yourself to other couples in blogland. I wasn't so much comparing us to other couples, as adding what they had to my list of things I want RIGHT NOW. So while I tell Hubby that I want him to lead me and our merry band of rebels, I want him to lead my way. Huh? What's that? I'm not supposed to control the leader? Who says? Oh...

Next thing you know, all hell breaks loose in my all or nothing world. I'm upset because I need Hubby to make me a priority and pay more attention to me. He's upset because while ttwd is hard for him, especially the spanking part, he just wants to make me happy and that doesn't seem to be happening.

Our final conversation went something like this:

You didn't even go 24 hours before breaking the new rule!

You had no intention of following through!

But you didn't give me a chance.

I gave you two days. And besides, you didn't take the cane with you to work and you weren't in your office where I was supposed to meet you no later than 9:05. You didn't even know where I was.

How was I supposed to know unless you tell me? 

If you paid closer attention to me then you would know.

Well, I'm not a tyrant. But that's what you need, isn't it? That's what you are asking of me?

I don't know. Probably. I just know that I'm not always going to rat myself out. 

Okay. If you need a tyrant, I can certainly try to do that for you. 

A few more words and then I was rolled over for a magnet flipping I requested. He started off with the spoon and decided that was what he was taking to work with him to take care of me if need be. It packs quite the sting, even over jeans. Yeeeeeouch!!!

The down the pants and panties went and it was off to the races. He brought out the closer and told me something that surprised the heck out of me. He wasn't sure how much I needed him to spank and it seemed to him that it was never quite enough. He told me that he was going to keep spanking me until I told him to stop.

He spanked for a very long time. Hard. Over and over. I said ouch and owieeee and yelped and groaned. I twisted and turned. I tried to get out of the way but his hand stayed steadfast on my lower back, holding me in place. He alternated cheeks. He stayed with one for several swats and then went to the other. He sped up. He slowed down. He sped up again. I was breathing hard and fast. My butt was on FIRE. He reminded me that I could tell him to stop any time I felt I had had enough. I am a stubborn one. I wasn't giving in until I was darn good and ready too. Okay, I'm darn good and ready now. STOP!

He laid atop me, his weight reassuring me that he loves me and he's here for me. And that was all I needed. My fight was all gone. It had left me completely. I felt his overwhelming love for me in that moment. I thanked him because I knew how hard that had to be for him, waiting for me to say "stop". I apologized yet again for the trainwreck I caused.

I told him that I would stop trying to make ttwd into something it's not ready to be. We will get there soon enough. It doesn't all happen at once. And it certainly doesn't happen in one rule. He can mold it into what he thinks is best for us (with a little input from me of course) and I will follow his lead.

I will not break rules on purpose, especially since he will have the wooden spoon and he knows how much I can take, which is apparently a lot more that either of us thought.

I will have enough respect for him and myself to give my best effort every day.

I am stubborn. But so is he. (I may be a bit more stubborn though as evident by my purple bottom lol)

And they lived happily ever after...