One Year Blogiversary!

Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...

I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again

Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!

And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

Disastrous Disrespect

Oh boy did I get in trouble the other night! While my excuses (I was hungry, I was on the third day of my diet, and I was very unhappy) were valid, my attitude was not. You see, earlier in the day, Hubby's friend came over and was talking about how his 7 year old daughter has been asked to be a spokesperson for a mega-company. I said that I would love to get our 6 year old daughter into something. Hubby said "NO!" It was firm and that was that. I tried to say something but he just said no again. I left the room, feeling a little hurt and embarrassed. I went to my room and snuggled with my daughter. Hubby came in later and asked what we were up too. I was snippy and snappy but it put an end to the questioning. Before he left, we had a short discussion about dinner. Apparently he forgot the discussion we had in the garage earlier about dinner. So I texted him what I already said, only he never read it.

I laid down and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. When I awoke, I was in a downright pissy mood. I was hungry and where was he with dinner already? I opened the door to the garage to see if he had already left and he was still sitting there with his friend, yukking it up. I was livid. I told him I thought he had gone to the store already and followed it with a "GOOD NESS!!!" before slamming the door. Now he was livid.

Hubby came into the house, told me we needed to talk RIGHT NOW and motioned me into our room. He shut the door and started to lay into me (verbally). I'd never heard him yell so loudly. He wouldn't let me say anything. He scared the crap out of me. I was in trouble and it was BIG. When he stopped yelling, I said I was sorry. He left and I laid in my bed crying. I was so confused by all the emotions bombarding me. I was scared, hurt, confused, but worst of all...guilty. I had brought this on myself. Regardless of me not getting a say and there being some miscommunication, I was undeniably in the wrong.

Later, after the kids went to bed, he was intent on doing a TnT. We hadn't done one in over 2 weeks because of his travel, and his father staying with us a few days. Hubby noticed that without it, I distanced. I try to become independant instead of leaning on him and I get frustrated. I start to feel neglected. I get angry and belligerent. Without this connection, we are lost to each other. He needs me to need him. He said it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. He wants to help me let go of all these negative emotions, especially the one's that I use to tear myself down. He wants us to stay close to each other. I want that too. It's just that getting to that place is the trick. I need consistent maintenance. That's consistent, not constant.

So we both learned a lesson here. I need to watch my attitude. He needs to not neglect me (a topic for which he apologized again and again). I need to respect him. He needs to love on me. And then we will be Happy, Happy, Happy... lol. Couldn't help myself.

One bummer thing happened. The "Closer" broke. I ordered a new one though, and a couple other implements that I will share with you when they arrive.

The moral of the story? Whatever you do my friends...

(you could get a paddle broken on your bum...lol!)

Take care and (((hugs)))

Near Misses, Trust, and Motocycles

Since the End of the World and the subsequent stubbornness, things in our life have turned quite the corner. Hubby has been very insistent and consistent with me. He has been telling me what he wants, whether it be for me to be to work on time or for me to do a little wo-manscaping (tmi?). And you know what? I LIKE it.

Now lest you think this is all butterflies and roses, I assure you that it is not. It's more like butterflies and minefields. I have a tendency to dance near the minefields. I almost got in big BIG trouble Thursday morning. I was so tired that I fell back to sleep while Hubby took the kids to their respective summer day camps. I kept waking up thinking that I would get up by 8:15 so I could be ready-ish by 8:30. Nope. 8:30 came and Hubby, who had been waiting outside in his car until then, came in and woke me up with a stern look and voice that had me up and out of bed immediately. He said that he was almost tempted to "help" me get motivated after my shower. I politely declined. Instead, I stood as close to him as I could, my chest touching his belly, and looked up into his eyes, making sure he knew that I am submissive to him and he is dominant over me, even more so with his boots on. This was my "shot across the bow", my near miss. He warned me that the next morning, he would wait until 8:31 and then properly motivate me, bottom first. Not only do I believe him at his word, but I decidedly will NOT test him on it. I do not want a corrective action. Thank you but no.

What has this change in him accomplished for me? Well certainly change in me for one. I don't want to test him. I dread the first time I dance too close to a mine and trip it. My butt, and the ability to sit for the following week, are at stake. I'm no dummy. Well, not usually anyway. Second, I know he cares about me. I am no longer his last priority. I am his first. He is watching me. He is making sure I am obeying him. He is asking me to do things and expecting that they get done. He is demanding my hand to hold in the movie theater. I know I am his, and furthermore, that he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me. ME! This excites me to no end. And you know what else? I trust him. I trust him at his word. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my life. I belong to him and he to me.

What is it about ttwd that incites so much trust? I've never felt this way about him. Bear with me for a long aside if you will...Shortly before ttwd, I used to take motorcycle rides with Hubby. I hate motorcycles. I hate the idea of them. I really hate Hubby going everywhere on one because I don't trust the other drivers to see him. I've witnessed a motorcycle accident happen right in front of me last year. 4 teenage boys cramped up in a tiny sedan switched lanes without looking and clipped the rider in front of me. His body flipped around like a ragdoll and he hit the guardrail head first. Thankfully he was wearing a helmet. I stayed long enough to ensure he was being properly cared for and that cars didn't needlessly barrel into the wreck. They didn't need another witness when there were a dozen standing around. As soon as the authorities arrived, I made my way home. The teenagers didn't seem to take it very seriously. Disappointing...

I was transported back in time to highschool, to my friend Kelly. He was the only boy I ever knew that had a girls name. We were really good friends until one day he just disappeared. Come to find out later on that he had just lost both of his parents. They were out riding on their motorcycle and having fun, took a corner too fast, and slid on some gravel, killing them both instantly...leaving poor Kelly abandoned, alone, orphaned. He was never the same. He almost acted as if he didn't know me. I'm sure it was the heavy drugs they put him on to mask the pain.

So you see, I have fear behind my hatred of the darn things. They are lacking 2 more wheels and doors...Doors would be nice... I imagine the worst when Hubby is out on that thing. I'm terrified of them. I have to have a couple glasses of wine in order to relax enough to ride. Or at least I did...

We went out for a movie date yesterday to see Iron Man 3. It was a gorgeous day. The motorcycle called to him. I agreed to ride with him, after all, it had been a while. I braced myself for the panic that always arises on such occasions, but it didn't come. I tried to wrap my brain around it. Why am I not afraid? Where is my panic? My anxiety that comes in waves and punches me in the heart at every turn? Vanished. Gone.

In previous rides, before ttwd, I was consciously trying to force trust. Surrendering myself to fate and to my husband's skill did not take away the anxiety. I still tried to force it. I kept thinking that the more I exposed myself to it, the more accustomed I would become and therefore less fearful. But that didn't happen. I was still afraid. Terrified even.  And then along comes ttwd and changes everything.

I spent most of the ride contemplating the "why" until I just gave in and let my arms go out on each side. I imagined that I was flying at a very low altitude, just like the one and only flying dream I've ever had. I was free. I was happy. I was ready to go again.

So I can't exactly answer why I trust. I just do. And I am happy. That's all that matters.

What changes have you experienced since ttwd? Can't wait to read your responses!

(((hugs)))

Stubborn Much?

Yes. Yes, I know... My last post was overly dramatic and apparently quite common. I'm really thinking ttwd needs to come with a manual; a kind of roadmap of what to expect along the way. Proclaiming in frustrated tears that it's all over and you will never return and you will be sad forever and forever is just one of the many dips in the ttwd road to marital bliss. To be fair, I almost called it all off last month too, so I think a lot of it has to do with hormones, at least on my end. Also, it was about May of last year that I had a pretty big breakdown, so it could also be that time of year? Who knows...

Our timeline of decline went something like this:

Sunday night: TnT and new rule
Monday: Break rule
Tuesday: Break rule again
Wednesday: Get angry at Hubby for not noticing that I broke the rule twice. Stay up late fighting. Get nothing resolved.
Thursday: Fight more. Resolve nothing yet again. Sob hysterically together. The end of the world has come. Decide that ttwd is over for us.
Friday: Tearful goodbye post. Gather all implements and anything else that could remind me of ttwd and put in trash bag on bed. Stay in bed all day. Have unproductive lunchtime talk with Hubby. Stay in bed more. Finally have one last talk after kids in bed. Make up. Ttwd back on.

What did I learn from this week of craziness? Oh soooo much! First of all, I am stubborn.

Yep...that's me! I think that ttwd should go one way and that's mine. Hubby disagrees. Once again, this is another reason to not compare yourself to other couples in blogland. I wasn't so much comparing us to other couples, as adding what they had to my list of things I want RIGHT NOW. So while I tell Hubby that I want him to lead me and our merry band of rebels, I want him to lead my way. Huh? What's that? I'm not supposed to control the leader? Who says? Oh...

Next thing you know, all hell breaks loose in my all or nothing world. I'm upset because I need Hubby to make me a priority and pay more attention to me. He's upset because while ttwd is hard for him, especially the spanking part, he just wants to make me happy and that doesn't seem to be happening.

Our final conversation went something like this:

You didn't even go 24 hours before breaking the new rule!

You had no intention of following through!

But you didn't give me a chance.

I gave you two days. And besides, you didn't take the cane with you to work and you weren't in your office where I was supposed to meet you no later than 9:05. You didn't even know where I was.

How was I supposed to know unless you tell me? 

If you paid closer attention to me then you would know.

Well, I'm not a tyrant. But that's what you need, isn't it? That's what you are asking of me?

I don't know. Probably. I just know that I'm not always going to rat myself out. 

Okay. If you need a tyrant, I can certainly try to do that for you. 

A few more words and then I was rolled over for a magnet flipping I requested. He started off with the spoon and decided that was what he was taking to work with him to take care of me if need be. It packs quite the sting, even over jeans. Yeeeeeouch!!!

The down the pants and panties went and it was off to the races. He brought out the closer and told me something that surprised the heck out of me. He wasn't sure how much I needed him to spank and it seemed to him that it was never quite enough. He told me that he was going to keep spanking me until I told him to stop.

He spanked for a very long time. Hard. Over and over. I said ouch and owieeee and yelped and groaned. I twisted and turned. I tried to get out of the way but his hand stayed steadfast on my lower back, holding me in place. He alternated cheeks. He stayed with one for several swats and then went to the other. He sped up. He slowed down. He sped up again. I was breathing hard and fast. My butt was on FIRE. He reminded me that I could tell him to stop any time I felt I had had enough. I am a stubborn one. I wasn't giving in until I was darn good and ready too. Okay, I'm darn good and ready now. STOP!

He laid atop me, his weight reassuring me that he loves me and he's here for me. And that was all I needed. My fight was all gone. It had left me completely. I felt his overwhelming love for me in that moment. I thanked him because I knew how hard that had to be for him, waiting for me to say "stop". I apologized yet again for the trainwreck I caused.

I told him that I would stop trying to make ttwd into something it's not ready to be. We will get there soon enough. It doesn't all happen at once. And it certainly doesn't happen in one rule. He can mold it into what he thinks is best for us (with a little input from me of course) and I will follow his lead.

I will not break rules on purpose, especially since he will have the wooden spoon and he knows how much I can take, which is apparently a lot more that either of us thought.

I will have enough respect for him and myself to give my best effort every day.

I am stubborn. But so is he. (I may be a bit more stubborn though as evident by my purple bottom lol)

And they lived happily ever after...

TnT Brings on a New Rule

All I can say right now is ouch. Every time I sit down. Ouch! This was a TnT to remember. I couldn't believe how much there was to go over even though we had just talked a few days before. Hubby is getting the hang of wearing his HoH hat. Well...I did ask for it...

This TnT session is brought to you by the letter Ow and the number...I lost count.

When Hubby has a mind to, he can get downright talkative. If it weren't for the fact that he makes so much sense... Those swats can really get to a girl after a while. While I didn't cry this time, I surely wanted to by the end of it. I even thought I might need more and he gladly assisted. Yeah...I don't know what I was thinking.

Our topics of discussion were:

Projects: Surprise, surprise! I spent the better part of last week cleaning up after my last project, the bedroom painting. The bedroom looks great by the way. Unfortunately, the contents of it spilled over into the dining area. I was instructed to clean that up as well as the rest of the dining room just for good measure. I did not do that without complaint however. But he's just  happy that it got done. The takeaway from this? No more big projects without proper planning. Divide the project into smaller ones so it will get done eventually without messes left behind.

Procrastination: What? Who? Me? Ha! Okay. Okay!... I procrastinate like it's an olympic sport. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of people counting on me. My employees need me to keep things going. My family depends on me working. And we've got a big thing coming up soon and not much time to get stuff together. No more procrastinating! To that end, a new rule; I am to be up and out of the house by 8:30, 9 at the latest. But don't I dare wait until 9 to leave because I am to check into Hubby's office (he owns his own business as well and has an office space to himself) no later than 9:05. If I am late, I get greeted by the cane (because it's quiet and won't alert the neighbors). I'm thinking being late would be a baaaaaad idea.

Deception: Yes, we needed to address the deception I tried to hide over the project. I was supposed to move everything out of the room except the furniture. That way, when it was getting painted, there wouldn't be a whole lot to trip over. Also, the idea was to move out and then move back in. Well that's not what I did. But I tried to conceal that fact. What I did was move everything to the center of the room. I tried to put everything on the bed and what didn't fit was shoved next to it. I felt horrible about trying to deceive him. The fact that it was a purposeful act made me feel all the more guilty. How do we deal with guilt? That's right. Bring on the closer! OUCH! I will not try to conceal, lie, or otherwise deceive Hubby. I am to be honest about all things. Period. Guilt gone? For the most part. When I think about what I did I feel so ashamed. I keep asking myself "Why?" but I don't have the answer. What was I thinking? I don't know. I hope I never do it again. The lying needs to stop. I don't know where it came from or why it continues, but I have got to start being completely honest. And it's little things. It's not like I'm trying to hide something terrible. I've been doing this since before ttwd, so it's not like it's a new thing. Do you catch yourself in lies? What do you do about it?

Glad that's over. Let's hope I make it to his office in time!

(((hugs)))

Fantasy Boot Camp Part 2

If you haven't yet read Fantasy Boot Camp Part 1, please do so now. It explains in detail about what my fantasy of boot camp with my husband could be like. It's not a typical girly-girl fantasy. I decided to go more realistic.

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The alarm beeped loudly and annoyingly at 6:30 am. Since the kids weren't home, I saw no reason to get up so darn early. Hubby had set the alarm. Just as I reached for the snooze button, he said, "Turn it off and get out of bed. Now." I whined in my classic I-don't-wanna-and-I'm-gonna-pout-til-you-feel-sorry-for-me-and-give-in way. It had no effect. Apparently he had already gotten up, showered, and dressed. He ordered me into the shower and don't I dare get back into bed. There was work to do! Ugh...

I did as I was told. When I exited our room, he immediately escorted me out the door. We were going to take a nice brisk, early morning walk. He explained to me that from now on, and he would add it to the rules list, that I was to get up when the alarm went off and not a minute later. No more snooze button. I grew indignant at that new rule. One of my few pleasures in life is to purposefully ignore that blasted alarm clock. Now I was sure it would be the bane of my existence.

Our walk completed, it was time for our first homework assignment of the day. We decided to work on easier homework assignments since we determined that the corrective action assignments were all spanking and bound to be both mentally and emotionally taxing for both of us. He again prayed for our day, that we would become a stronger couple for Him, and finish out our boot camp with the love and respect that He intended for us. We each sat down and worked on our relationship components; rating the components and thinking up ways to improve those areas. As I delved into it, I realized that while a lot of things were near perfect, other's were far from it; patience and responsibility being the two I was most concerned with. It was very interesting to see how our views differed on this assignment.

At our breakfast break, I again toyed with my food. My mind was completely on our first corrective action spanking (CAS) exercise. We were instructed by the guide not to talk nor plan out this first session. We were to act as naturally as possible and do what felt right. But we often have different ideas about things. There was no way around it but through it. Hubby saw my nervous anticipation and decided to cut breakfast short for both of our sakes. We could get back to breakfast afterward.

He led me to the bedroom and instructed me to drop my pants. I did as he said, leaving my panties in place, and then bent over the bed. He told me to place my feet shoulder width apart as he placed his hand on the small of my back. My stomach clenched in anticipation of the first smacks. He started lecturing about my projects, because even though the spankings aren't supposed to correct a negative action, he can't spank without reason, be it for fun or for correction. His hand came down, swatting each cheek repeatedly, one blow following the next. Next, he brought out the leather paddle we call "The Motivator". While the swats were hard, they were few. He then pulled down my panties to reveal my slightly pink bottom.

He massaged my bottom and the tops of my thighs. He started to speak again about the importance of finishing what I started before swatting away again. He picked up the paddle once more and spanked, a bit more intense, yet few again. He massaged and talked again. He was bent over beside me, practically whispering in my ear as he rubbed the heat into my skin. He picked up the paddle and spanked the tops of my thighs, at that ever sensitive sits spot. My breath hitched with each blow. I wasn't sure what to think, so I savored it all and waited for it's climax. He laid down the paddle in favor of is favorite implement, "the Closer", a wooden paddle with holes throughout that left a sting you would not believe. A few spanks with it and I was practically jumping in place. He bent beside me and held me. He hated to see me in pain, which is why we had never done a real CAS before. Hubby can be so empathetic, it often gets in the way of the responsibility to enforce necessary actions.

He stood me up, turned me around, and had me sit next to him at the end of the bed. He held me tight as we slowed our breathing together. Emotionally I was nowhere near tears and the physical sting only lingered seconds really. I've had more intense spankings during our TnT sessions. He asked me if I would rather eat  or talk now. I needed a few minutes to collect my thoughts before we delved into the particulars of our first spanking of the day, so I opted for eating. I chewed quietly, thoughtfully, as did he. I tried to order my thoughts so I could speak effectively. I knew this first time wouldn't go as I had planned so carefully in my head, but it was as much my fault as his.

We decided to lay on the bed together. We held hands and stroked each other as we talked. This intimate pillow talk is how we dealt with most things of this nature. He was very receptive to all I had to say about the spanking. I needed him to be less empathetic and more strict disciplinarian. I wanted future CAS's to be dramatically different and easily separated from our TnT and play time spankings. In my mind, there had to be a contrast or it wouldn't be effective. In essence, I needed the CAS to be something I feared so that I would stay properly motivated. I assured him that it wasn't he I would fear, I could never fear him. He's my love. But the CAS should be feared. I'm not afraid of a few swats. I'm not afraid of the suggestion that it could be worse. And I told him to not stop just because I was yelling "Ow!" and "Owieeeeee" and "Ouch". It's supposed to hurt. This is supposed to cause outbursts of "Ow!" and "Stop" and "I'm Sorry!!!" and "I promise" and tears and sobbing. That doesn't mean it stops short. It needs to play through to completion.

On his end, Hubby needed me to stay still and not jump around so much. I said that all I could do is try. Reminders during the CAS would be helpful. He promised to help me remember. It sounded more like a threat to me though. He told me he could tell I wasn't in the right mindset to receive a CAS. It may have been nerves, but our next one should prove to be better, maybe even easier for both of us. We hugged and held each other for several minutes, breathing in unison.

It was time to get up and start the next homework assignment. I was very happy about this one since it was right up my alley; crafting! We were going to put together a date night jar. He would type out ideas for date nights, print them out, and cut them into slips for each idea. I got to decorate the jar. Yay! So I went a little crazy at the craft store for this one. It was a mini project and I got to use my glue gun. Nothing makes me happier than my glue gun. The only thing we needed to do was set a date night and get a steady babysitter. A few phone calls and we could have the answer by the end of the day. Mission accomplished. We both knew the importance of continuing to date each other. We certainly couldn't afford to not put us as a priority.

For lunch we decided to go out and get some fresh air. Well, as much fresh air as we could get at our favorite Cheers-like hang out. We ordered our usuals and made chit chat with the other regulars. It was a relaxing time and great to get out of the house, even if just for a little while. We stopped at the store so we could get a few things to enjoy for dinner and celebrate the night after completion of boot camp. Coming home meant one thing; time for CAS exercise 2. I didn't have high hopes about it and really just wanted to get it over with.

I sighed as we entered the house. We put away groceries and he leaned in for a kiss. Both of us knew what was coming. He hugged me and said that we should get it over with. I sighed again, my heart in my throat. We entered the room and he instructed me to get ready. I pulled down my pants and assumed my position bent over the end of the bed. As he lightly rubbed his hand over my panties, he asked why we were "here"? I told him that we were addressing my need to start projects but never finish them. He said that a lot of what he was about to say would be repeating his earlier lectures, but that he felt it was warranted considering my lengthy history with this particular issue.

His hand started swatting like it was on a mission to light a fire with the radiant heat that would soon emanate from my punished bottom. Once he moved to the leather paddle, I knew I was in for it. The swats were hard. He didn't hold back. It was if he had a number in his head and he was sticking to it no matter how much I yelped. The panties came down and rubbing and hand-swatting alternated as he punctuated his statements. I was not getting out of this one. He had taken a whole new attitude. He reminded me of the time he was helping me move out of my apartment and into his and how he made me throw away 3 large bags of jeans I had saved up to make a denim quilt. He said that he wished he knew then that a spanking would've saved him years of frustration and me years of guilt.

He grabbed the leather paddle and spanked in earnest. I started to jump but he swatted lower on my thighs and warned that unless I wanted more there, then I should stop. I moaned and whimpered in frustration. I couldn't catch my breath. He stopped just short of me apologizing profusely and begging him to stop, like he knew I was at a breaking point. He rubbed my red cheeks and started talking again. His words grew in intensity and strength and meaning. I had no doubt in my mind that he didn't want to have this talk again, but he would if I pushed it. Even with my mini project we just completed, I had left a mess in my wake. He let it be known that he would not put up with it any more. The third volley of swats with the leather and then the wooden paddles had me gasping for breath. I had made it past my anger to a space where the tears were about to come. A burning sting radiated through me. With every spank of the wooden paddle, I came to understand the need for this. It was slowly erasing my guilt.

Hubby dropped the implement in his hand and collapsed on top of me. He held me tight once more. He felt this punishment as surely as I did. We knew, as we looked into each other's eyes, that this CAS was finished, but the issue was not over yet. We had to do this one more time before the day was done. Neither of us wanted to. But boot camp isn't about what we want to do. Hubby, having been through 3 separate boot camps for different reasons (beginning, school, and something else I can't remember), knew from experience that it's about tearing us down and building us back up stronger and better than before. And it was equally hard on both of us. I may have to endure 3 pretty intense spankings when all is said and done, but I'm learning so much about being submissive and what to fear and what to respect. He is learning that he has to be strong and be a man of his word in this, even though he desperately doesn't want to. I became awed over the strength that he had to possess in order to accomplish this task. He was my rock and forever would be. My love for him poured out in kisses all over his face.

A short rest and we were ready for the next homework assignment; Bible verses. Because the assignment was relatively short, we decided to come up with a plan to put our spiritual lives first. We outlined an evening ritual for prayer and bible study. We wanted to include God more in our lives. We had been grossly negligent in that aspect and it showed in the way our home looked, in our financial situation, and in our parenting. Such simple principles seemed so hard for us to navigate. And now we are dealing with the outcome. But it wasn't to late to change. Our lives would be the better for it all. We just needed this boot camp experience to push us in the right direction, and then use the momentum to better all aspects of our lives. This wasn't because I am a "spanko". There's plenty of time for that when we have our adult play time. This was for us, all of us. With strength and discipline, we could make this work.

I made a salad while Hubby grilled steak. He's perfected steak grilling over the years. The right cut, the right seasoning, the right grilling time... He had it down. I was happy just to put a simple salad together and some instant mashed potatoes. Hubby put on some soft music in the background. I felt like it was our first date all over again. It felt as though we had a fresh start. Even though we knew each other for years, we were new again. We smiled at each other, made small talk, shared inside jokes. We talked about what we would most like to watch after we were done with our last assignment; most decidedly something light and funny. Snacks and dessert. Comfort to come.

At the announcement from Hubby that it was time for our final CAS, something in me snapped. I had such a good time at dinner and I didn't feel like having a CAS right then. I got downright cranky. This is when Mr. HoH/Drill Sergeant decided to take me in hand once and for all. He backed me up against the wall, pinning me there with his weight, and towering over me, he bored holes through my eyes into my soul. He said, "You will obey me!" and I melted into a puddle of submission. He saw in my eyes that he had conquered me once and for all. Now it was just time to get down to the business that neither of us wanted to, but this was boot camp and it was getting done. This was a taste of what was to come if I chose to disobey. I was going to get what I wanted; fear of that kind of spanking. I may have already been sore from earlier "exercises" but even in real boot camp you will do pushups with sore and tired arms until you are crying in pain and then even past that.

I assumed the position; pants down, legs apart, hands on the bed above my head. I couldn't tell if my heart was beating fast or had stopped completely. I know I stopped breathing. He told me he was sorry he had to do this, but it was necessary. It was the only way to get through to me that this project problem had to stop. I was no longer allowed to start any project without his permission first, no matter how small or insignificant I thought it was. I was to start completing past projects, starting with the ones stacked in our closet. Each project I presented for completion would be approved by him and a time limit set. It was no longer a matter of whether the project was important or necessary. It was the principle of it. Finish what you start. He asked if I was ready and with a deep breath I said I was.

He swatted with his hand the already sore areas of my rear. I winced and whined. He started his lecture anew, emboldened by his triumph over my will. "Why are we here?" he asked. "Because I...ow...I...uh...my unfinished projects" I managed to get out between swats. "Why else?" he prodded. "Because from...owwww....now on....ahhhh...I have to ask...owieeeee...permission to start....oooooohhhh...projects" I said through gritted teeth. "Are you angry?" he asked, but didn't wait for my answer. "Because I am. All these years. All this clutter. It's not acceptable and I won't put up with it any more." And with that he yanked down my panties. He brought out the leather paddle again and rubbed my flaming cheeks with it's cool smoothness. "What are we going to do about it?" he asked as he kept rubbing. I must've hesitated a second too long because the paddle came down on me as he punctuated each word of his question again. "What" smack "are" smack "we" smack "going" smack "to" smack "do" smack "about" smack "it?" smack-smack-smack. I was nearly out of breath as I clenched my jaw and the words "finish what I start" dripped with venom from my lips. He paused.

My attitude was clearly in need of adjusting. While I was tired of the subject, I had not yet submitted to his lead. In my head I had thought of dozens of ways around this new rule. I didn't want to submit to it. After all, I can speed just enough to not get caught. Where there's a will... My thoughts were broken by the crack of the wooden paddle on my flesh. "You will obey me in this." he said matter-of-factly. He had found a rhythm with this tool and planned to use it effectively. His words poured out over me seeking to reach the depths of my soul. Over and over he told me that he loved me but this attitude was going to stop. He needed me to accept his lead in this matter. That the expense and the clutter hurt us both. And that if I was watching our children at all, I could easily see that my actions were infecting them. At the mention of our children, I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Tears poured out. I couldn't hold back the gut-wrenching sobs. My guilt that I had largely ignored was finally coming to the surface. It just needed a way out to make a change.

He stopped the swatting and with one hand on the small of my back to keep me in place, he used the other to stroke my hair. "That's my girl" he said so sweetly and lovingly. "I want you to know that I love you so much. I'm sorry, but this next part is not going to be easy for either of us. And when we are done, I will hold you and we can talk." And with that, I heard the jingle of his belt and I knew. There was no going back. This is how it would be from now on. This was something to fear. And what made it all the more agonizing was knowing that I did this. Me. I was the cause of emotional distress. And when I do things like that, this is what will happen. No more conniving. No more sneaking. No more lies. All is laid bare.

He wielded the belt lightly at first and then increased the intensity as he laid his final points to rest. The pain was unquestionably different from any that our other implements induced. It was an ache that I never wanted to experience again and would at all costs avoid. And that was the point, was it not? For both of us to experience what a real corrective action spanking would be like? So different in every aspect that it could not be confused with anything else? There were no more questions. There was no more talk. The last slaps of the belt met a resounding echo of sobs and apologies. Hubby picked me up and held me. He covered me in kisses as he rubbed my tender flesh. We had come through it. We were strong. I had a deep respect for my husband. He could and would spank me. Because I asked him to. Because I needed him to. Because it was best for us and our family. This time it was I who was proud of him. He did the right thing. Upon telling him this, he sighed deeply and buried his head into my chest. I stroked his hair and kissed his head. One last squeeze and it was time to do one last homework assignment and then we were home free.

We finished out our boot camp experience with a Domestic Discipline Anniversary Letter. It was hard to imagine what one year later would look like. How many times did I break rules? How many times would I face the corner, or worse yet, the belt? I had imagined though that through it all I would come out a shining example of a wife and mother. For the betterment of all of us.

The rest of the night we laid in each other's arms. We skipped the movie, snacks, and ice cream. Instead we made sweet, tender love. We were both spent, our boot camp now over and the opportunity of a new life in front of us. I stayed in Hubby's capable arms all night; happy, content, cherished, loved...

-------

There is so much more to the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea at Learning Domestic Discipline than I "experienced" here. I encourage you to get a copy for your own. You will see that along with an outline of how it should go, there are several more punishment choices and dozens of exercises to chose from. Buy the book and the accompanying workbook if you are at all interested in this. It's not for everyone, but they really did do a good job with this book. I'm glad I bought it!
PS. No, I did not receive any sort of compensation for my endorsement. I wrote this solely because I believe it would work for me.

Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want

Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

She's NOT a Child: HoH PoV

First, I want to thank all that contributed to this post. HoH's and TiH alike have been very forthcoming and it's really helping me put together a clearer picture. Ttwd isn't easy and it takes a lot of bravery to share your innermost thoughts on such an intimate topic.

My last post, I'm NOT a Child, received quite a few comments from other TiH about how they felt about their relationships and how they don't feel as though they are just another child that has to be dealt with. There is great wisdom in their words and, if you haven't already, you should go back and read the comments. It was an eye opener for me. Hubby did not have the same take on it. He was still feeling the same way about it so I decided on a different course of action. I set out to ask HoH's their points of view. If there is anything a man can understand, it's another man, right?

So I wrote an email and sent it out. If you didn't get one, don't worry. It's not because I skipped you. It's either that I sent one but never got answered, or I forgot. Please, by all means, leave your answers to these questions in the comments. I want to get as full a picture as I can...for Hubby's sake.

Here's the email:

Hubby and I are at a strange point in our relationship. He feels that punishing me would be too much like treating me like I'm another child in our house. I wrote a blog post on Monday about the DD relationship and how I am not a child, even though I get spanked, etc. I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of great answers from all my fellow TiHers. Hubby read everything, but is still not really convinced. I was wondering if your HoH would be willing to answer a few questions to help out my HoH. I would also like to take all the answers I get and compile them into a post for my blog. Would that be okay?
Here are the questions (I stole them from my last blog post):
1. How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?
2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?
3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?
4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?
5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?
Thanks so much for your help! I think it will help Hubby to hear a POV from the men. If you can think of any other advice, please feel free to add it. Also, if you think of an HoH that could answer this, please feel free to forward this email to them.
Thanks so much!

The answers came in from all over, so I will color code them for you.
1.  How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?

There is an agreement between two adults, where a child has no voice in the matter. And if it is done as a punishment ( as you know we haven't done that very often) it is still a reconnection between to adults to re-establish boundaries.  Again brought to the husband from the wife, in both our cases.  Whereas when you punish a child it is merely a deterrent for future behaviours, and it is a closure of an issue or bone of contention ( clean slate) between a husband and wife.  ~ Barney 

Originally, with great difficulty, but it is only a perception.  We like to think that as we get older we lose our childish behaviours, but in reality they become ingrained in our adult lives as a "given right".  An example:  We went to school there was always a group of kids that felt entitled, because of money, looks, etc.  this is a childish behaviour we hope they would grow out of, and today we have a coffee chop in town and there is two tables in the centre and an "elite" (in their minds) group of people consider them their tables, everyone subtly knows to side around the outside ring.   Now it is considered a given that they are entitled and the rest of us are not - this is a childish way of behaving.  My beautiful wife, as much as she is a mature woman, can exhibit behaviours that are negative to her well being, to our marriage, etc… as her husband, and the leader in the family, I am the authority and decide what is acceptable and what is not.  ~ Ian (at Ian and Lillie's Place) 

There is nothing about the way we do dd that is parent/child like.  We've avoided that completely b/c to be honest, the very idea is creepy.  The fact that this requires consent between the two of us makes all the difference in the world. ~ Susie & MM 

We address adult issues that involve adult emotions.  We communicate as adults.  There's no sense of "teaching right from wrong" in our marriage as there would be in a parent/child dynamic.  My wife already knows right from wrong when it comes to morals, ethics, legal matters, etc., as do I.  Our dynamic is about doing what's best for the overall safety and well-being of the family and working toward the goals we both have for the family as a whole.  Honestly it's nothing like a parent/child dynamic at all, but I think someone hesitant to start the lifestyle or a naysayer wouldn't completely understand that until they actually experience and FEEL the lifestyle after practicing it themselves. ~ Clint & Chelsea

2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?

When you 'warn or scold ' your wife, it is more of a ' this is going to be detrimental to our relationship and dynamic' as opposed to , this is not what society accepts,or proper behaviour  which is why we do this for our children.  We are raising our children to face the world, we are trying to grow as a couple in a way that has us respectful towards each other.  Between a husband and wife it is how words make us feel, whereas when we 'correct' our children it is societal. In all honesty (Wilma speaking now) we as women KNOW how to behave, but our emotions run free with our husbands, both in a negative and a positive way.  But if we do that in a way that is detrimental to our relationship, we need you to give us pause.  ~ Barney 

In my opinion only, warning and scolding are a part of modern marriages in some ways.  Scolding might come in the form of the silent treatment, or refusal to engage in things that interest your spouse, holding back sex, etc.  Many of these ways of relating anger or disappointment are very detrimental to a marriage.   If you have a consensual agreement to use tools like spanking to work through problems, that is so much different than the relationship between a parent with children.  ~ Ian  

Warning and scolding only have a place when we are tackling something new--it comes into play when an old habit breaks loose and I need some help to overcome it.  We've tackled bunches of these over the past two years but again, it's not like talking down to a child.  It is about pointing out to me when I'm doing something, b/c it is so ingrained that I usually don't realize it.  Once I realize it, it becomes my responsibility to tackle it and really give it my best effort.  When I won't or don't..that's when spanking becomes a harsh reality. ~ Susie & MM 

Warnings, "scoldings" (although I wouldn't say I ever "scold" my wife - we simply discuss matters), and spankings all result from some sort of bending or breaking of consensually agreed upon rules for the marriage.  With a parent/child dynamic, the child doesn't necessarily understand or consent/agree to the rules the parent puts in place for them.  In a DD marriage, both spouses discuss and agree to rules, fully understanding what will happen if they're broken.  That's the biggest difference.  And, as I briefly touched on in my answer to the first question, the emotions are much more sophisticated, complex, and "adult", and the issues/actions/behaviors being addressed are much more mature, intricate and "adult" as well.  ~ Clint & Chelsea

3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?

When Wilma is punished in her case it is more of a clean slate mind set.  She has regret for her actions.  Punishment is more that for her and for me, so we can move on.  There isn't a feeling of closure when we punish our children.  I am more confident in punishing my wife, because she has asked me to, and I trust that this works for her, than I am with punishing my children. ~ Barney

4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?

No absolutely not.  I have never really thought about it.  Again because she brought this to me and she doesn't feel that way either.  To her this is a symbol of my strength and confidence, and perhaps they did see that in their fathers, but this isn't what it is about to HER ,therefore it isn't to me. ~ Barney 

I will admit that I always felt like I should be filling the role of a father figure in my family, and that began from the time I knew that I wanted to marry Lillie and be a family.  It was a very surprising realization, because I was aware that I wanted to protect her, but she wouldn't let me be that person in the marriage.  I was a power struggle for years and years.  Dd was the beginning of a new life.   When I was finally able to get past that idea that I was "playing" at being a father to my wife, and see it as a consensual leadership role, a responsibility,  it felt very natural, as though I finally had the ability to do what I was meant to do.  Actually, and I think this is true of a lot of non dd marriages, the husband is doing it anyway, as  I did before, I just didn't have a mechanism to deal with some of the things that I had to protect her from.  Imagine being an authority figure or a parent with no way to discipline.  ~ Ian 

He says not and there have been times that I have felt stupid for needing his help with things but one of the ways we try to stay away from it is by avoiding things that feel childish to us (and that doesn't mean that it feels that way for others.)  No corner time (he tried it--train wreck), no writing lines or essays or anything like that.   If we had children, we would likely not spank so even that gets separated out as an adult activity.  ~ Susie & MM 

No, I don't.  I'm not her dad, I'm her husband.  I feel like an equal partner doing my part in making the marriage and home as safe, secure, stable, happy, and harmonious as possible.  Again, I don't punish my wife to teach her right from wrong.  She already knows right from wrong.  I punish to keep the direction of our marriage and family in line with the long-term goals we both envision for our future. ~ Clint & Chelsea

5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?

No I don't see Wilma as a child, but I can understand how that can be confusing.  I think I still see us as a partnership.  I don't see me as superior to Wilma.  She has asked for my help and this is something I can do for her, which in turn is for us. ~ Barney 

I did struggle to become comfortable with the idea in the beginning.  However, that struggle was short lived because  the benefits of the lifestyle became apparent, and so I gradually put more faith into the process and it just grew into what we have.   I would say, give it a chance.  Look at it this way:  My wife loves to receive flowers from me.  When I make the effort, it has an obvious effect on her.  So, I do it because she needs those little things.  Most men do similar things in one way or another, and even if you can't see what the benefit is in this lifestyle in the beginning, if she needs it, if she is asking for it, you owe it to her to give it your best effort.  I was really unsure when I got the first help from Mick.  It seemed wrong somehow, but I made the decision to give my wife what she needed and now looking back, it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage.  ~ Ian 

I think at the core of our Dd and seeing it on adult terms is the reality that each of us are responsible adults.  Every couple is different and every woman needs different things.  My husband does not micromanage, nor would he except in extreme circumstances.  There are no chore lists, no things to get done and only a handful of rules.  We are both expected to keep our ends of the bargain in taking care of our lives and he simply wouldn't be comfortable with spanking me for not getting work done.  LOL...as you know, I have the opposite problem.  Our Dd focuses on my emotional needs, helping me stay centered.  When I start straying from that center I get feisty and disrespectful.  That's the stuff that I get spanked for and it brings me back around.  I will disobey him sometimes or blatantly go against his wishes and that is almost always about grabbing for control.  He cracks down on that stuff like a crazy man...and so he should.  All that to say that we have found the core of why we need this, what it works for.  As each couple does that, I think they find how to do all of this in a very adult way and as you do, I hope some of the worries of your husband disappear.  This is all about what the two of us/the two of YOU need.  It takes a long time to figure that out.  We have to do our parts in improving on the things that they decided they really care about.  To spank for the same thing over and over is very defeating and no man wants to do it.  For us that has taken a lot of communication as I try to tell him how I'm working at something and he continues to use the physical discipline to reinforce things till I conquer a problem.  The other kinds of spankings--the ones that are about helping me get centered...they aren't going away and everything about them is adult like for us.  ~ Susie & MM 

Before we began domestic discipline I (Chelsea) wondered this question a lot- how is this NOT treating me like a child, and how does this not make him like a father figure? However, once we tried and experienced it, I realized it was absolutely nothing like a parent/child relationship. We've now been practicing domestic discipline for a long time and I never once have felt any differently towards my husband. He's my husband, and that feeling has never changed. So, this question is hard for me to answer because there really was nothing for me to move past. Once we began practicing, the feeling to me instantly did not feel like a father/child one. ~ Clint & Chelsea

I was very impressed by the variety of answers. This once again goes to show that ttwd is unique to every couple. No one will have the same take, but we all understand our relationship as it is.

Thank you everyone for your input! Again, if you would like to add to this, please leave a comment, with the question number you are responding to. Thanks so much!

(((hugs)))

I'm NOT a Child

I discovered something yesterday. Call it that feeling of safety, of being cherished, of feeling loved and protected. When Hubby covers my hands with his, I feel all those things and more. It's an amazing and quite surprising feeling. Its effects lingered all day. My hand, so small in his. I could feel my weakness and his strength all at once. What a wonderful feeling! I felt endeared to him, like I was nothing but his and his alone and he was mine. I felt so small and fragile, just with the little gesture of his hands covering mine.

Now Hubby has mentioned on several occasions that he doesn't want me to be another one of his kids that he has to watch all the time. This subject came up again last night. Not so much in those exact words, but a variance to be sure. He feels that if he has to tell me to "watch my tone", and that is exactly what he would have to tell one of our kids, then it is like he's treating me like a child instead of his partner.

Some men like that. Some men refer to their spouse as "baby girl" or some other term that puts them in that special place. Some TiH refer to their HoH as "Daddy". I call Hubby "Daddy" and he calls me "Mama", but it's all because of our kids. We still do it even though our kids are 6 & 8. For us, it's not really any more roll affirming than calling each other "Hon". We often refer to each other as "Lover", and it doesn't even carry any sexual meaning to it.

Even though we have firmly established that he is HoH, and I am mildly TiH, the question still remains; How do we make sense of this arrangement without him feeling like he has to treat me like a child? Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship? 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to take me in hand for all it's worth and help me see my behavior is not working for us but against us (I don't always know I'm doing it). How can he do this without feeling like I'm just another child he has to deal with? I'm at a loss to explain it to him. My older brother once shouted at me, "If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!" But I don't act like a child on purpose, at least not most times. It's my personality. I pout. I shut down. I distance. I yell back. I disrespect him in front of our kids and his friends. I don't do what he asks, only because I don't want to. I procrastinate. I am guilty of all these things and more. Can it be as simple me acting like a child, inadvertently or otherwise, that I deserve to be treated like one? How do I explain to Hubby that this isn't about the parent/child relationship, but more? How do you rationalize it?

We've already started down this path, so we aren't turning back. We are getting great results. Last night we had several breakthroughs while I endured paddling. I was spilling tears before we even started, but that's a story for my next post.

If you can, just please tell me ways to explain it to Hubby so he doesn't feel so...weirded out(?) about DD. I'm not asking him to be my daddy and I'm certainly not his baby girl. He already has one of those and she's got him wrapped around her 6 year-old little pinky finger. Sucker...

(((hugs)))

Fear and Longing

Look! It's my brain!!!

So much about this DD ride can be so confusing. Take for instance Sunday night. It was nothing short of perfect. Hubby took me to a place that I needed to be. He did everything right.

And then he left...

He realized later that night that he had to go to a meeting that was 4 1/2 hours away. This meant that after not seeing much of each other all Monday, he had to take off after one of the kid's sporting events. He drove until 11 pm, found his hotel, spent the night, did his meeting thing, and then got home at dinner time. Since he was up until 2 am, he was exhausted when he got home, and I was irritated.

I had done nothing but obsess about him the entire time and he just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to serve him with all of my being and I felt like I was being ignored. I needed him to be in the same place I was and he just wasn't. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't talk to him. I got angry, hurt, and frustrated. We weren't communicating in the same language. I would say one thing, and he would hear another.

There's a great analogy of how men and women communicate. A man will go look in his closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." What he means is that there are no clothes in the closet because they are in the laundry. A woman will go to her closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." Of course she means that she doesn't have anything to wear that will fit her needs at the time. There are plenty of clothes in the closet. She just doesn't like any of them.

I feel that way when I talk to Hubby. I say I need "motivation" and he hears "nagging" instead of what I mean, which is really spanking and/or the threat thereof. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me just say that we are all different in our needs of ttwd. Some just need the idea. Some need the action. Some need the guilt. Some need praise. We all need love in our own way. For me this means that I need to feel Hubby's dominant presence. I need to be afraid that I will be spanked beyond anything I've experienced if I don't comply. Fear motivates me (at least I think so right now). Not fear of Hubby (I'll never fear him. He's too lovable!). Fear of consequences. It's always what kept me in line when I was younger.

For some, it's not fear but guilt. Guilt can motivate me too, to some extent. Thanks to a long chat with Willie, who can throw a guilt bomb like nobody's business, I realized that if not fear as the motivation, maybe I think about it in terms of what Hubby feels about certain things. That, my friends, is a fine guilt bomb if I ever saw one. And it's not the guilt where I beat myself up. It's the guilt that causes me to take action because I can't stand the thought of him hating a situation that he should love (dirty vs clean home) and that I have control over.

Pleasing him does not motivate me. It should, but it doesn't. That makes me feel bad that it doesn't, but does not cause me to take action. Don't get me wrong, I love to make Hubby happy. But if he were to ask me to do something because it would please him, I may start but I won't finish. But... Had he caught me in the time after the big spanking but before I got derailed, when I would do anything to serve him, then yes; I would've gone to the ends of the earth to please him. But it took spanking me until I cried to achieve that. It took pain, fear of more pain, and panic. I rode that post-spanking high for 24 hours. If he could've been home, I would've done anything for him. What power he wields over me!

I got spanked again last night. It wasn't near the intensity. He lectured about my half-finished cleaning projects. He talked about how we need to be a good example to our children. He talked about how he doesn't want to nag me and that we've already got 2 brats, he doesn't need another one. That got me thinking about if needing to be spanked was childish, and if not, then what is it? Because I don't think it is. What say you?

So many things whirling in my head! I need a glass of wine...

(((hugs)))

He Did It and Is This Normal?

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I've had a million post titles run thought my head: Saddle Sore, Shaken not Stirred, My Place...I finally settled for what you see up there, and at the point that I am writing this, I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind is in a confused jumble of emotions I don't know how to begin to process. I guess I should explain what happened...

Hubby took me in hand last night. He stepped up big time. He said he had time to think and he knows what I need. He lectured and spanked, lectured and spanked, and lectured and spanked some more. He said so much last night that I can't begin to remember it all. I'm not even sure how most of you remember what's being said as you are being spanked.

He told me so much; everything I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was encouraging, supportive, stern, loving, and controlled. He spoke carefully, definitively, about how he was going to lead our household and start setting things right.  He talked about how we need to start reading the Bible with the kids and start living like God would want instead of squandering what He has given us. He talked about how we need to be an example to our kids, how I'm not always going to want to do what he needs me to, and how sometimes he may get frustrated, and how that may mean consequences, and how I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and how he's watched me for 12 years and knows me and what I can handle and knows what I can't.

In the end, he pulled out the wood paddle with the holes to help drive his point home. He calls it "the closer", but based on my reaction to it, he wants to call it "the defibrillator". It stings like crazy!!! He spanked relentlessly and I went into a panic. I lost control. I couldn't be still. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything. I was confused and in an adrenaline tailspin. It was the tipping point. I'm not sure when, but he stopped the spanking and laid on top of me and I started to cry. It's wasn't the cry I expected. I thought it would be a culmination of all the guilt I was carrying. I thought it would be the guilt that pulled me into tears. But it wasn't. The panic, the adrenaline... I couldn't catch my breath and the tears came between gasps.

I felt a deep remorse, a desire to make things right. I cried "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" over and over again. He held me tightly and comforted me. He was the strong man I always needed him to be. He did everything right. He is amazing. I want nothing more than to please him. And maybe that's why I was crying. I was stuck in a rut where I knew I wasn't pleasing him and I'm not sure I wanted to. He pulled me out of it and put me in my place. No, not "my place" as in where a woman belongs or some nonsense. He put me in the place that I belong; the safe, warm place where I can relax because I know that he's got me.

This morning, I am filled with so many emotions and I'm not sure what they all are. I feel liberated and excited. At the same time, I feel tentative and sober. I feel afraid because this is a new change and I hate change. But I need this change. I need it desperately. I feel like I want to cry and rejoice all at once. I feel alive. I feel connected, not just to him, but to others too. I want to go around hugging everyone. I feel what he wanted me to feel; empowered.

I'm grateful to Hubby for spanking me to tears. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I'm afraid it will happen again, and yet I need it to happen again and again and again. I need to be pushed over the brink and to fall into his safe and loving embrace. I need to push and feel his strength in return.

So there you have it. DD is in full force. We are back in the saddle, this time with the intention to ride it out, for as long as we both shall live. The veil has been lifted. He is HoH. I am TiH. I am his fully, completely.

But what is this jumble in my head? Is this normal? I don't remember being able to feel more than one emotion at a time and yet it feels as though they have come out all at once. Do you know what I mean?

(((hugs)))

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 

I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   

You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  

Big jerk...