Thursday, March 14, 2013

Crushing, Overwhelming Guilt and I Need Advice

My sins are many. I have been miserable to live with. I have thought and said things that are inexcusable. Hubby, the shining beacon of a perfect husband that he is (No, I'm not being facetious. He really is that incredible and I don't deserve him.), carries no record of wrongs. But as each minute passes. I remember more and more of my transgressions.

I am being crushed under the weight of the knowledge of what I've done. I feel sick. I know what I need to do but I seem unwilling to do it. I need to cry. A lot. That's the only way, I think, I can let go of it all and forgive myself. But I just can't. I've done too much. I've broken all the rules I said I never would. I disrespected him to his face and behind his back. I was rude to him. I distanced myself from him. I stopped touching him. I withdrew intimacy. I pushed him away. I was dishonest. I lied. A lot. Mostly about where I was, especially if I was running late. I defied his authority. I decided that I was in charge of myself and he could go f*** himself (and yes, I muttered that under my breath on more than one occasion). I disobeyed him. I didn't want to do anything that I didn't want to do and he couldn't make me. I didn't care what effect my actions had on him. But the worst thing I did, in my own mind, was take back my vows. I never said it out loud. But I thought it. I wanted to rip that picture off the wall I made of the cloud version of my vows and toss it. I also looked at the very dusty box of implements and decided that that was never going to happen again so I may as well toss them in the garbage. I didn't. But I wanted to.

Yes, that's right. I was willing to throw it all away. I just didn't care. And while it was the hormones that made me this way, I am still responsible for my actions. I chose to not reign myself in, but to happily ignore how my actions affected others. I chose to let things get bad. I chose to not care. So while Hubby forgives me completely, saying to himself all those months "That's not my wife", I have to face up to the fact that it was partially me. It's the me that I keep in check most of the time, until, due to hormones, I couldn't.

This is the way I feel. Right, wrong, or indifferent, these are my feelings and I have the right to have them. But with that said, I need advice. What do I do with these feelings? How do I get them out of me? How do I forgive myself? HELP?!?! I can't stand the constant ache in my chest. What do I do?



  1. You send this post to your husband, and then you trust him to help you find your way back to him.

    Good luck with it all. Nothing could be worse than feeling like this, right?


    1. I would love for him to read this but I don't think he's interested anymore in ttwd. He stated to me earlier that he doesn't want what I want. Is it possible to be hurting so much that you ache not just in your chest but your whole body? I supposed it has to be because that's what I'm feeling right now.

  2. I agree with what Sara said....but I also, I know...that you need to find it in yourself somewhere to forgive you. Hormones are a powerful and horrible thing. We are still in the thick of dealing with mine....and when I lash out...or cry...or get angry...I know while doing it...that it is wrong...yet I feel like I have no control. And partially I don't....and yes that sounds like a cop out. But man, something comes over me and I just have the hardest time controlling my mouth or anything else. It is a horrible feeling, and I have told Ryan many times I just want to be the old me again. I tell you all of this to illustrate...that I understand....and you need to be kind to yourself. It is such a horrible and sad feeling :( Hang in there! And please, let your hubby help you!


    1. Thank you Lucy. Unfortunately after our short discussion earlier tonight, I don't think we will be doing anything. It's hard to communicate when the other side doesn't want to. Oh well...

  3. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way LM. I wish I had some wonderful words of advice for you but I honestly don't I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and to send you a huge (((Hug))).

    I agree with Sara as well about showing this post to your hubby. Hormones are so powerful and they do make us do/say things that are just not normal and your husband knows that is what has been driving you. Try to be kind to yourself.


  4. It makes good sense that you and your husband are going to need some time to find your way back to each other. It sounds like he has been doing his very best to lead you and be there for you as much as possible.

    It's almost bigger than ttwd right now, and yet comes back to communication. Can you sit down with him, tell him not just how sorry you are, but how down you are feeling with yourself? Ask him to help you and leave it up to him to decide how to do that.

    1. Patients...not one of my better strong suits. I did speak with him, even before I wrote this post. He's at a loss.

  5. I haven't read much here, so I might be completely off base here, but for what it's worth, here's my ten cents.

    Hormonal issues are hell. Years ago, I had a depoprovera birth control shot. I bled for six months, hated life, it was bad--really bad. We almost split up. Worst year everrrrrr.

    Time helps the pain pass. And for me, punishment helps. I don't know if it is or will be, an option for you, but there is a certain sense of absolution that comes with it...

    I hope that things look up and you feel better soon. It's rough being crushed by the weight of one's own remorse.