Sunday, September 2, 2012

Procrastinating Again

There are days when I'm not really sure what to write. I don't want to lose my blogging momentum either. So I will just post random thoughts instead. Welcome to my brain...

My children are driving me nuts. I'm not sure what planet they came from. They are being completely obnoxious and I find myself yelling a lot. Hubby has intervened and told them that under no circumstance were they to ignore me. Yeah, that didn't last long. My daughter will not listen to me. She just keeps pushing me to see if I will do what I threatened. My problem is that I am not consistent with her. What's sad is that I know what I need to do, but in my heart I just don't want to. She needs me to commit to my word. I need to get on it now while she's 5 1/2 and can still have some control. She is so strong-willed, it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I just hate taking stuff away, or not letting her do fun things. I am a horrible example of raising children.

I broke rule #2 yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was at a stop light and I thought I should text my MIL to make sure she's okay with getting stuff taken care to help her mom move to Florida. We don't have the greatest relationship, so when I can get in the little thoughtful things, it helps her get over some of the things she dislikes about me. She's extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative. I see right through her and refuse to play into her games. She hates that about me. Anyway, I didn't even think about when I should be texting her, I just did it when I was at a stop. When I got to where I was going, I texted Hubby to let him know what I did and the circumstances. I told him that I was sorry. I was sick to my stomach actually. I spent all the drive to my destination thinking about how I screwed up less than 24 hours after the rule was made and not knowing what to expect; how hard was I going to get spanked, would I cry, and so on. He texted back that it's okay to text at a red light. Just don't do it while in motion. Phew! Punishment Motivation averted. But that ball of worry, stress, and anxiety was still there. I didn't sleep last night, and I think that was the reason.

Question for you: Do you confess to your HoH, even though you know what that means? Do you hide it until he finds out? How does he know? What I told him yesterday was that I was confessing my "infraction" not because I want to get in trouble, but because hiding it is deceitful. I fully expect to pay the penalty. Or be motivated to to the line. However you want to look at it. I told him that really all the rules will fall under one of the 4 D's. The rule about me being ready to leave by the time he gets home from dropping the kids off is about disrespect and disobedience. I am not showing anyone I work with respect when I saunter in at 11 am. And Hubby has requested repeatedly that I get to work in a timely manner. I should obey him. The rule about texting and driving is obviously about dangerous behavior. I feel that omission is tantamount to lying, and lying falls under dishonesty. Dishonesty really bothers me. It eats at my heart. So I had to confess what I did. Do you do the same?

Hubby had asked me to make up a cleaning schedule for us to follow. My house is in absolute chaos. I am a clutter bug. It's horrible, I know. And I just look at everything and feel so overwhelmed. I would rather just lay in bed, reading blog posts on my iPhone. Nothing gets done. Hubby comes home and is visibly a bit frustrated. He starts cleaning something because he can't stand to look at it anymore and I feel guilty and emotionally beat myself up while hinging in my room. When I showed him the chore list last night I told him that more than any other rule, chores will be the first to get me in trouble. Making the list felt like signing my own death warrant. But he asked me to do it, so I did. I'm sure at some point I will regret it.

I have a headache and am late for church. Hubby has been there all morning (and last night) helping with audio. He has one weekend every month when he serves all 4 services. I was supposed to be there for 10:30 service but I was....drumroll please....reading blogs. Yeah... So I have to leave now to make it in time for the last service. Most of the rest of the month, I will be serving on the worship team as a vocalist, mostly background vocals.

Okay...I really have to go now. Chat with y'all later! ((hugs))


  1. Even tho I am not in a dd relationship (complicated if you read my stuff) more like ttwd...I have that Catholic guilt so I am always saying what my shortcomings are.

    1. I was never Catholic, but I sure can spew out all my faults. I think it's a defense mechanism. If I point out all the bad things about me before you can find out for yourself, then I've saved myself possible ridicule.
      I'm not sure if I'm in a DD relationship either. I guess time will tell. ((hugs))

  2. Oh, dear. :S Reading blogs is great, but if it is keeping you from your commitments...honestly that concerns me. If it were a one-time thing it wouldn't, but especially in light of your last post it does concern me.

    Do, please, think about taking a step off-line. If that's too scary at the moment and you really truly do need your time here, think about ways you can use your blogging to hold yourself accountable. Like posting on your blog that you are going to do chores X, Y, and Z by a certain time, and then coming back at the time to say whether you did it or not. That way you can blog but not use it as an avoidance tool.

    Just some thoughts. Feel free to email any time if you'd like to talk more. Hugs and best wishes.

    1. I know Ana. You are right. I'm trying to figure out if I can make myself some guidelines. I was doing so well for a couple days and then I fell back into it. Sigh...

  3. Catching up here...and I think there are more posts.

    Yes, I am expected to confess. My husband has no desire to micromanage me or check up on me at the end of the day. I have to self-manage and that includes telling him when I mess up. I think that over time, you will find that this way of life really does help you in the self control department. You'll regulate yourself more.

    Oh...and btw, you're a good mom. Little girls are tough sometimes, so get tough. She will be happier with consistency and you will be too. Don't beat yourself up.

  4. Check out for getting out of chaos in your home. It's amazing!