The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.

Confessions:

I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...

(((hugs)))