Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.


I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...



  1. Look at it this way Lil Misses, as far as your hubby being gone, you've made it to the halfway point. Blue is home every night, so I can only imagine how hard it must be to be apart for so long. With young children, that just makes it so much harder! You're absolutely right when you say that the kids like to see if they can get you riled up. It gives them a feeling of power over you. My son did the same thing. I guess all kids do. I finally learned to calmly and firmly send him to his room. That wasn't any fun for him, not like watching me get all red-faced and upset was, so he stopped trying!

    Sounds like you are going to have a lot to answer for when Hubby gets home. I'm sorry. At least you're being honest about it. Maybe in this second week, you can work on mitigating, even a little bit, your actions from the first week? You're right, no one can do it for you. I wish you much luck. (((HUGS)))

    1. Hi Cowgirl. Yeah, Hubby isn't too happy with me right now, but we are working on it. I took the kids to the park and the movies today and we all got to relax outside of the house. Hubby is really reading me spot on even though he's most of the way across the country. I miss him so much... (((hugs)))

  2. I think it is really easy to get overwhelmed when they are not home. Trust me, I know.

    Right now you can't get to anything b/c it's all too much, so just pick one single thing. One room maybe. As harsh as it sounds, let the kids know that there will be no next meal till they have jumped in and helped you with it. Make dinner a treat after all 3 of you have finished your work.

    Or something like that...just something to jump start your desire to accomplish one thing. As much as you feel like things have gone wrong, your husband will be pleased to see you turn it around, even in a small way.

    1. Hi Susie, I'm going to work on one room and one type of laundry tomorrow. If I keep that up all week, they house may be sane by the time Hubby gets home. Let's hope...

  3. I know you have just go to be totally overwhelmed. I cannot imagine what I would do without Ryan here for that long. I am a wreck when he is gone overnight. Be kind to yourself...motherhood and everything it entails can be so rough. I used to find myself in a hole a lot before we started this type of relationship. Things around the house would be out of sorts....and I would be too. Honestly if the state of the house is a mess, I can almost guarantee that I am too emotionally.

    It sounds like you have a lot to own up to when he gets back....that is never the fun part. Just be as honest as you can.....and know that he will make it better. Hang in there....and I hope he comes back to you soon :)


    1. Hi Lucy! I do have a lot to make up for when he gets back. For now, I'm going to do exactly as he says and get myself out of hot water. Honesty and communication are the key!

  4. Good for you for being brutally honest! Ian is sitting here with me and he says, "you are going to master this because you are honest!" He also says, "she shouldn't have any more caffeine." Sorry about that.
    I can imagine how difficult it is to keep focused without your hubby. Ian goes away for the day and I imagine that I am not living in dd anymore and I can pretty much do as I please, really....
    I agree with Susie, the smallest improvement will help a great deal.....clean a room, make a healthy meal, the little victories really help, and it will mean a lot to hubby, too.
    Yes, you have a lot of ground to cover when hubby gets home, but that is the best part of dd - it will all be okay afterward.
    Your hubby will recognize how important he is to you, and LM, you are just beginning - we all derailed by real life trying to do this thing. Be gentle with yourself,,,,,
    love and a big big hug
    Ian and Lillie

    1. Awww, thanks Ian! I have been banned from caffeine with several exclamation points. Hubby was pretty upset with me after he read this post. :(
      Thanks Lillie for the hugs and encouragement. I'm being pretty hard on myself right now. I just miss him so much and it feels like I have no strength when he is not here. This could be a big problem as he may have several of these jobs to do in the next year. Let's hope I can get myself together before the next one! (((hugs)))

  5. Now lilmisses, we've talked about this. The things you write and tell yourself are powerful. If you write that your husband is awful, you will come to accept it as fact and then act as if it were fact...and you found out how that was not true, correct? If you write and think that you can't do anything alone, then guess what?

    Go back and re-read those posts I told you to mark. And this time, start doing something, anything. 15 minutes. Anyone can do housework for 15 minutes.


    1. Hey Ana! I went back and re-read them. You are absolutely right. I am stronger than that, even though I don't feel like it sometimes. It's just time to get up and get moving, even if it is only for 15 soon as I get rid of this evil headache.

  6. Great post. And I love Princess Bride too. :)

    I can sooo relate to getting overwhelmed when my husband is away, and to starting to slip away, not obey..then try to justify it.

    Its not easy! You are doing good to accept the consequences. I'm not very good at that part sometimes.