I figured this might be helpful for anyone starting out in DD/ttwd. It's a outline of ideas for the basic setup of the rules. Everything is negotiable. Well, until your HoH says it isn't.
Please remember as you read this; this is my interpretation and how we do ttwd. This is not how everyone does it, nor how everyone should do it. Please take it with a grain of salt. Think of this as a kind of template, if you will.
Okay. Lets start with the D's. I believe that these are rules without exceptions for the most part. There were 4 D's, kinda like cornerstones, but it has recently been changed by many to add a 5th D as it seems to be pretty prevalent in most visible relationships (one's you can read about on blogs). I've included a basic definition, and example, and my own personal notes for each one.
Disobedience: lack of obedience or refusal to comply; disregard or transgression. Ex: One of your rules is that you are not to let the gas tank get below 1/4. You looked down at the gas gauge and it's on E. You broke that rule. Personal Note: It's not just about the line between right and wrong, it's also about being aware when you are about to cross that line, regardless of intent.
Defiance: a daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force. Also, open disregard; contempt. Ex: You decided not to fill up your gas tank even though you know it's at 1/4 and you are supposed to fill it. Personal Note: It's still defiance if you are trying to skirt around the rules.
Disrespect: lack of respect; discourtesy; rudeness. Ex: You broke the 1/4 tank rule. But it's a stupid rule anyway. Your HoH asks you about the tank and you say exasperatedly that it's below 1/4 tank but it'll be fine. Personal Note: Attitude is everything. Treat your HoH how you would like him to treat you!
Dishonesty: lack of honesty; a disposition to lie, cheat, or steal. Also, a dishonest act; fraud. Ex: You know the tank went below 1/4 but you quickly fill it up and try to forget that you were supposed to get it done before that. You lie when your HoH asks you about it, or you fail to mention it on purpose. Personal Note: A lie is a lie is a lie! You best own up.
Distancing/communication: cool, aloof, unresponsive, uncommunicative, and unwilling to be vulnerable Ex: You feel guilty that you let the tank go below 1/4. The guilt is making you cranky at your HoH. You decide to keep brooding instead of just talking to him about how you feel. Personal Note: Communication is the key to everything. If you can't talk about it, ttwd is not going to work. Relief comes with talking it out.
So that covers the 5 D's. They are usually all considered to be Corrective Action worthy.
Building/breaking habits: We all have stuff we need to quit or start doing. DD can be a great tool when your HoH keeps you accountable. Ex: Remembering to remove trash from the car everyday, making sure to work out 3 times/week, starting but not completing a project or chore, etc. Recommendations: First offense: Verbal Warning. Second offense: Reminder. Third offense: Corrective Action/Reset.
Discipline
Reminder: Minor infractions Not as drastic as a Corrective Action, Reminders are for minor offenses, habitual offenses, or the next step after a Verbal Warning.
Corrective Action: Major infraction. Ex: Breaking any of the 5 D's, breaking a rule, third offenses on habits, or it could be something like cheating on your diet.
Creative Discipline: This method could account for or could be combined with another punishment. This category could include removal of privileges, corner or room time, performing chores or duties, etc.
Tips:
- Any physical discipline needs some talking/holding/loving time afterwards. Lecturing while disciplining is fine, but you may need to ask your HoH for a refresher after because listening isn't at it's best during. Some alone time after is also suggested, but only if your HoH believes you need time to think about what you've done and what you will do to change it in the future. Or it may be that directly afterwards you are to complete a task. It's up to your HoH. He is, after all, the HoH.
- When you do make up new rules, you have to decide whether the new rule is about a habit you need help with or a general rule. Ex: Going to the gym 3 days/week vs the use of profanity. You could put it through the 5 D's test. If it falls under one of the D's, then it is a corrective action rule. If it doesn't, then maybe it's a general rule or a habit rule that requires preventative measures before corrective action is taken.
- You can amend rules and other things as you see fit. It's all a matter of figuring out what works best for you.
- I was going to add a tip here about consistency, but decided instead to post a link that I believe says it all very well. Holding 49 Percent's very timely post called The Thing About Consistency is absolutely spot on. Consistency doesn't lie solely on your HoH's shoulders.
I hope this has been helpful for you! Remember, it's just to give you an idea of the basics. If you have anything to add that you might think is helpful for Newbies, please let me know so I can add it.
(((hugs)))
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