One Year Blogiversary!

Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...

I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again

Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!

And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

Disastrous Disrespect

Oh boy did I get in trouble the other night! While my excuses (I was hungry, I was on the third day of my diet, and I was very unhappy) were valid, my attitude was not. You see, earlier in the day, Hubby's friend came over and was talking about how his 7 year old daughter has been asked to be a spokesperson for a mega-company. I said that I would love to get our 6 year old daughter into something. Hubby said "NO!" It was firm and that was that. I tried to say something but he just said no again. I left the room, feeling a little hurt and embarrassed. I went to my room and snuggled with my daughter. Hubby came in later and asked what we were up too. I was snippy and snappy but it put an end to the questioning. Before he left, we had a short discussion about dinner. Apparently he forgot the discussion we had in the garage earlier about dinner. So I texted him what I already said, only he never read it.

I laid down and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. When I awoke, I was in a downright pissy mood. I was hungry and where was he with dinner already? I opened the door to the garage to see if he had already left and he was still sitting there with his friend, yukking it up. I was livid. I told him I thought he had gone to the store already and followed it with a "GOOD NESS!!!" before slamming the door. Now he was livid.

Hubby came into the house, told me we needed to talk RIGHT NOW and motioned me into our room. He shut the door and started to lay into me (verbally). I'd never heard him yell so loudly. He wouldn't let me say anything. He scared the crap out of me. I was in trouble and it was BIG. When he stopped yelling, I said I was sorry. He left and I laid in my bed crying. I was so confused by all the emotions bombarding me. I was scared, hurt, confused, but worst of all...guilty. I had brought this on myself. Regardless of me not getting a say and there being some miscommunication, I was undeniably in the wrong.

Later, after the kids went to bed, he was intent on doing a TnT. We hadn't done one in over 2 weeks because of his travel, and his father staying with us a few days. Hubby noticed that without it, I distanced. I try to become independant instead of leaning on him and I get frustrated. I start to feel neglected. I get angry and belligerent. Without this connection, we are lost to each other. He needs me to need him. He said it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. He wants to help me let go of all these negative emotions, especially the one's that I use to tear myself down. He wants us to stay close to each other. I want that too. It's just that getting to that place is the trick. I need consistent maintenance. That's consistent, not constant.

So we both learned a lesson here. I need to watch my attitude. He needs to not neglect me (a topic for which he apologized again and again). I need to respect him. He needs to love on me. And then we will be Happy, Happy, Happy... lol. Couldn't help myself.

One bummer thing happened. The "Closer" broke. I ordered a new one though, and a couple other implements that I will share with you when they arrive.

The moral of the story? Whatever you do my friends...

(you could get a paddle broken on your bum...lol!)

Take care and (((hugs)))

TnT Brings on a New Rule

All I can say right now is ouch. Every time I sit down. Ouch! This was a TnT to remember. I couldn't believe how much there was to go over even though we had just talked a few days before. Hubby is getting the hang of wearing his HoH hat. Well...I did ask for it...

This TnT session is brought to you by the letter Ow and the number...I lost count.

When Hubby has a mind to, he can get downright talkative. If it weren't for the fact that he makes so much sense... Those swats can really get to a girl after a while. While I didn't cry this time, I surely wanted to by the end of it. I even thought I might need more and he gladly assisted. Yeah...I don't know what I was thinking.

Our topics of discussion were:

Projects: Surprise, surprise! I spent the better part of last week cleaning up after my last project, the bedroom painting. The bedroom looks great by the way. Unfortunately, the contents of it spilled over into the dining area. I was instructed to clean that up as well as the rest of the dining room just for good measure. I did not do that without complaint however. But he's just  happy that it got done. The takeaway from this? No more big projects without proper planning. Divide the project into smaller ones so it will get done eventually without messes left behind.

Procrastination: What? Who? Me? Ha! Okay. Okay!... I procrastinate like it's an olympic sport. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of people counting on me. My employees need me to keep things going. My family depends on me working. And we've got a big thing coming up soon and not much time to get stuff together. No more procrastinating! To that end, a new rule; I am to be up and out of the house by 8:30, 9 at the latest. But don't I dare wait until 9 to leave because I am to check into Hubby's office (he owns his own business as well and has an office space to himself) no later than 9:05. If I am late, I get greeted by the cane (because it's quiet and won't alert the neighbors). I'm thinking being late would be a baaaaaad idea.

Deception: Yes, we needed to address the deception I tried to hide over the project. I was supposed to move everything out of the room except the furniture. That way, when it was getting painted, there wouldn't be a whole lot to trip over. Also, the idea was to move out and then move back in. Well that's not what I did. But I tried to conceal that fact. What I did was move everything to the center of the room. I tried to put everything on the bed and what didn't fit was shoved next to it. I felt horrible about trying to deceive him. The fact that it was a purposeful act made me feel all the more guilty. How do we deal with guilt? That's right. Bring on the closer! OUCH! I will not try to conceal, lie, or otherwise deceive Hubby. I am to be honest about all things. Period. Guilt gone? For the most part. When I think about what I did I feel so ashamed. I keep asking myself "Why?" but I don't have the answer. What was I thinking? I don't know. I hope I never do it again. The lying needs to stop. I don't know where it came from or why it continues, but I have got to start being completely honest. And it's little things. It's not like I'm trying to hide something terrible. I've been doing this since before ttwd, so it's not like it's a new thing. Do you catch yourself in lies? What do you do about it?

Glad that's over. Let's hope I make it to his office in time!

(((hugs)))

Fantasy Boot Camp Part 1

I have been curious. When I first heard about boot camp, I thought it was pretty brutal (by the descriptions I read) and that Hubby would never go for it. And then, on a whim, I bought a Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea from Learning Domestic Discipline  mostly because there was a promo wherein I was able to get the book, the workbook to go with it, and Consistently Inconsistent. The price couldn't be beat. Plus, the boot camp book was for beginners and promised to be easier to do, maybe even something I could get Hubby to agree to. Maybe...

I printed out every page and put them in plastic sleeves in a binder. I highlighted some important notes I wanted to make sure to tell Hubby as I explained what it was and why it would be good for us. And I also told him not to answer me right away, because I wanted him to think about it. There is a lot of work involved, including finding someone to watch the kids for 2 days, and homework aplenty.

Now, before you get all riled up, know that I've read the naysayers points of view. I've researched. But after reading what Clint and Chelsea wrote, I can honestly say that this approach just might work, and for all the right reasons. I really don't care how long they have been in DD or how little experience people seem to think they have. DD and Ttwd is not for everyone and if there is one thing I've learned over the past 11 months is that everyone does it differently. So, if you don't agree with it, I would suggest that you don't read any further.

This is a fantasy post. This has not happened yet. I do have high hopes that it will happen though. I believe it would make all the difference in getting our lives on track; chores, budget, schedules will all be regimented. Boundaries set. Expectations in line with reality. Consequences.

Day 1:

Woke up to the freedom of no kids. Ahhh...wonderful! Of course I was nervous as all get out. I had some idea of what was going to happen, but not everything. And really, Hubby's words always had a tendency to surprise me, so my expectations were that he would catch me off guard more than once during the experience. We had decided ahead of time what homework and punishment exercises we were going to do. Hubby didn't like the word "punishment" so we called it "corrective action".

First thing in the morning, Hubby sat with me and prayed. He wanted to make sure we were addressing our spiritual needs before anything else was to take place. Then, we set out to do our first homework assignment. It took some convincing that a rules list was needed, but Hubby finally acquiesced. We spent quite a bit of time deciding which rules had what consequence. Hubby isn't one to like to spank for every offense. He would much rather get creative. I had some trouble convincing him that a lot of the rules required, at the very least, a spanking. He could add all the creative corrective actions he wanted, but the spanking would get through to me the best.

When breakfast came, I found myself hungry and yet not wanting to eat. I toyed with my english muffin and sipped at my coffee. I almost felt as if I were in a daze. Could this really be happening? We will see...

The lecturing corrective action exercise was next. Boy could that man talk when he had a mind to do it. He had prepared in advance the issues he wished to address. He had a lot of practice with our TnT sessions, so this was a breeze for him. As he escorted me to our room, he told me what we were going to talk about; my projects. Ugh! I knew this would come up sooner or later, I was just hoping it would be later. I have a tendency to start projects and not finish them, or decide on a new project during a time crunch. He hates that. We talked long and hard about it. In the end, I understood his points and promised to do better. He in turn said that he was not done addressing the issue and that it would be the main topic for our journey through boot camp. I was less than thrilled.

We were on to our next homework assignment: the chores list. This one was a long time coming. He had his chores. I had mine but only got them done if absolutely necessary. We divided up the work and outlined the chores to the nth degree. The what, where, when, and how for each chore was charted, graphed, and in all other ways defined. I didn't realize how painful this assignment could be until I put it in the hands of my capable HoH. He was taking this whole thing quite seriously because he realized that if we wanted to live our lives as he imagined, we needed to get the nitty gritty details hammered out. No questions. No wiggle room. Of course, the most hated chores were the meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal preparation. I knew that was the one set of chores that would get me in trouble the most.

After lunch, we did another corrective action exercise; corner time. Hubby didn't like the idea of it because he thought that it was something reserved for children. I told him we should rename it then, because I thought that we should at least try it to see if it had any effect on me. We agreed that it would be called "quiet time" instead. I was still to stand in the corner behind our bedroom door, but it was quiet and I could spend time reflecting on whatever we needed to address. This corrective action would be especially handy if Hubby were ever too emotional (angry, frustrated, irritated) to deal with my behavior right away. I would be given instructions on what to think about during my quiet time. Of course, we again focused on my unfinished projects. I was pretty sure I would hate the idea of new projects by the time this was all over. Immediately upon arriving to the corner, I felt an attitude shift. My heart sank to my stomach. I thought about what was said during the lecture. My instructions were to tell him 3 reasons why I needed to finish the projects that I started. While the reasons were easy enough to come up with, I was full of conviction, to the point of tears. The punishment was more effective than either of us imagined. Hubby decided it was a keeper. I really wasn't sure I wanted to do this anymore.

Since this was day one, and so far the hardest and most exhausting thing I had ever done, it was time for more homework. We were about to tackle the thing I hated most; the budget. Hubby had already prepared most of the charts and graphs, he's a geek like that. As he started describing all the aspects of the budget, my eyes glazed over. He saw it happen and decided to put a stop to it immediately. He had me kneel on the floor, took both of my hands in his, and insisted that I look him in the eyes as he began to lecture me on the importance of how we spend our money. I was to fill out the homework while he poured over our financials. He made sure I had the app of his choosing on my phone so that I could keep good record of the ins and outs of our money. He wasn't going to let the topic go until I could answer all of his questions without hesitation. He needed to make sure I got it, because I wouldn't want to face the consequences if I didn't.

By the time dinner rolled around I was famished. Talking about our budget crises really made me hungry. But after dinner all I wanted to do was relax and watch some tube. Hubby did too, but being former military, he took the whole boot camp idea to heart. There was no time for tv. More work was to be done before we could call it a night. Time for another corrective action exercise; line writing. I hated it before it even started. My hand started to cramp up just thinking about it. He wanted 2 pages; I will not start a new project without permission. "Can't I just promise and call it good?" I pleaded. He just smiled and said no. He took away my phone to insure I wouldn't be distracted. I finished in good time and ruefully handed him the papers. I kept my hand out to let him know I wanted my phone back. He gave it back with the caveat that if he ever had to address this same issue in the future, I would have more than a cramped hand.

With that over, we went on to the next homework exercise; Pros and Cons to DD. This exercise was mostly for Hubby. I needed him to understand why this would work for us. He had always struggled with the discipline aspect in Domestic Discipline. I assured him that once he saw how well it worked, he would never want to go back. After all, this wasn't about breaking me, it was about breaking my bad habits and building new ones. This was going to be hard for both of us. But anything worthwhile isn't easy to attain. Together, we could conquer anything.

We had one last corrective action to get through before we could relax for the night. Hubby decided that I should do a chore. I was to clean all the mirrors and windows (ones I could reach). It would be finished completely before the night was over. It wasn't normally something I would think to do, so it made a perfect extra chore. My arms were tired afterward. I was ready to sit down and relax next to Hubby and watch something, anything. I was exhausted. No sooner did I flip up the recliner on the couch than my eyes closed and (according to Hubby) a rhythmic snoring escaped me. He woke me up later to help me stumble into bed. He stroked my cheek and said wonderful things about how proud he was of me and I fell back into a deep, peaceful slumber.

Coming soon: Fantasy Boot Camp Part 2

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There is so much more to the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners guide by Clint and Chelsea at Learning Domestic Discipline than I "experienced" here. I encourage you to get a copy for your own. You will see that along with an outline of how it should go, there are several more punishment choices and dozens of exercises to chose from. Buy the book and the accompanying workbook if you are at all interested in this. It's not for everyone, but they really did do a good job with this book. I'm glad I bought it!
PS. No, I did not receive any sort of compensation for my endorsement. I wrote this solely because I believe it would work for me.

Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want

Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

Talk 'n Tap

Talk 'n Tap...sounds like a fun game, right? Yeah...not so much. But it is great connection time.

Hubby and I have had a Sunday night ritual, or at least it's becoming that, where I lay on the bed bared to him and he slides up next to me. He starts rubbing my back and bottom and starts talking about whatever is on his mind. This week it was the church sermon we heard on Sunday. He asked questions. I answered if I could. He started hand-spanking and rubbing. It has become a very nice way of connecting and keeping my attention.

As we continue through the talk, implements, speed, and ferocity change. The dimensions of the "tap" portion vary with the "talk". It comes in waves, with each one being more intense than the last. It's an intimate connection that I couldn't quite name, so Hubby did. He calls it Talk 'n Tap, aptly initialized as TnT. Seems fitting.

I can only best describe it as something like a maintenance/role affirmation/connection/lecture/stress release spanking all rolled into one. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes he doesn't push it because that's not what his aim is. This week he didn't aim for tears, just understanding.Sometimes the way to this girl's heart is through my butt. Yeah..that doesn't sound exactly how I mean it...Umm...moving on...

This week's TnT session was about the messages that Hubby ascertained through this Sunday's sermon. The first gem he picked up on was Success is when Preparation meets Opportunity. Our problem has been in the preparation. He talked and spanked as he used his Navy experience as a metaphor for preparation to go on a 6 month cruise. The second gem was that Faithfulness leads to Fruitfulness. All of this applies to our home life, how we run our businesses, and our faith. It's amazing how a paddle can drive these points home.

We both come away from these sessions with new motivation to better our lives. He knows how to wield his words as well as any implement. He asks questions and expects answers. He talks with a stern tone when he gets to the heart of his lecture. Through his words and the pain inflicted, I find a release. My stress melts away. His voice is all that matters. He speaks into the depth of me and I am his and his alone. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. I want only to please him.

This can be a pretty intense session. I love it. I crave it. I need it. I seriously can't wait until Sunday!

Do you have a ritual?

(((hugs)))