One Year Blogiversary!

Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...

I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again

Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!

And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

Lucy! You Got Some ‘Splainin’ to do!

Oh goodness...where to even start...

First off, I apologize for going AWOL and not responding to anything or anyone. It was never my intention to abandon everyone and everything. I am so sorry. Now let me 'splain...

In October, I got a Mirena IUD put in to control my menstrual bleeding. The Mirena contains a small amount of progesterone which releases constantly, keeping the uterine lining to thin to support a pregnancy. But I didn't get it for birth control. I couldn't get pregnant anyway because I have PCOS and it would require surgery to drill holes in my ovaries as well as medication to encourage ovulation. I just needed to not bleed half to death every month. My monthly thing was keeping me trapped in my home for 3 days at a time. I was going to have an endometrial ablation, but thought the Mirena would be less invasive and definitely less expensive. Boy was I wrong!

Since getting the Mirena, I did nothing but spot constantly and my attitude changed completely. The little bit of hormone in the IUD caused me to become a complete B! I could feel the changes, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was a prisoner.

And then it got worse. The world was spiraling out of control. I became further and further detached from people. The only comfort I could feel was that of snuggling my children. I started going to school and, even though I promised I would work 3 days a week, I didn't. I lied more. I held back. I took offense. I justified. I became angry. I ignored. I was an insensitive, self-absorbed B. Hubby and I actually got into a fight, and we NEVER fight. He's called my by my name instead of my nickname more times than I can count. I totally deserved a hide tanning literally every day. But he put up with me. He didn't demand anything. Yet he definitely got the short end of the deal. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing what I've done more and more. It's been horrible. So many times he lamented that he wanted his wife back.

The fix? Well, remove the damn thing! Right? Uht-oh... Houston, we have a problem! The string that is attached to the IUD has disappeared. The doctor couldn't find it. No string? No fix. Ugh! What's the next step? Surgery. Oh yay. Plans were made to surgically remove the IUD, do a D & C, do the ablation, and then tie my tubes (just in case). It was going to be expensive. But we were willing to do anything at this point. We had some financial hiccups, being that it was a new year and that meant I had to pay a $2500 deductible. And then a friend at school suggested that I look into doing the LSH procedure. This would remove my uterus and keep my ovaries and cervix in tact. Sounded great to me.

I did worry about the finality of it all. No uterus means no chance of pregnancy. Even though I wasn't planning on having any more kidlets, I wasn't planning on not being able to  either. I know that doesn't make a whole lotta sense. But I couldn't get pregnant anyway, right? Well not without serious medical intervention, no. But there was the chance. Enter the understanding of levels of finality. Getting an ablation meant no more bleeding, most likely. Having my tubes tied meant no eggs getting fertilized, but it could be reversed. But once they take out your uterus, there is no reversing that. It final. Zero chance. And I thought I would grieve that.

I had the surgery on March 5th. Today I feel like my old self. I have such a mixture of emotions. First of all, I'm horny as all get out. Holy cow! When is the last time I had sex anyway? Second, I'm sorry. My heart hurts for all the hurt I caused. I have been apologizing to everyone all day, beginning with Hubby. If I could get a spanking today, I would gladly take it. I deserve it. But recovery is a long process and it will be a couple weeks before that can happen. Third, I want to make amends. I want to please Hubby. I want to start doing things right again.

Of course, all this means that I am back. No more ignoring my blog and all the friends that I've made. I'm so sorry to all of you for abandoning and ignoring you. It won't happen again. I promise.

(((hugs)))

A Bee in My Bonnet & This Means War

I am in a mood of sorts as of late. Call it a cranky mood. Call it a I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mood. Whatever...

So we don't watch the news in our home. We detest it. It's nothing but murder and weather and I can get the weather on my iPhone thank-you-very-much. Don't be surprised by my lack of knowledge of current events. So apparently there is this thing going on in the Middle East...who knew? Seriously, isn't there always something going on there? Well, now my 5 year old daughter knows too. How does she know, you ask?

There is a little boy in our neighborhood. He's about 8 and he plays with my son, who's 7, and my daughter. They race around the neighborhood on each other's scooters and bikes and what have you. It's a quiet place with very nice neighbors all around. But the boy's grandmother is something else. She's, shall we say...umm.... charismatic. She once told me that she watches the news and scours the internet for signs, like earthquakes, that will point to the coming of Christ and that she's in a group that concentrates on the information and shares it. Yeah...ummm... We are Christian. We believe that Jesus died for us. We fellowship with other Christians. We share our faith. We love. But we DON'T scare and alienate other people with our beliefs. This woman told my daughter there was going to be a big war. She's 5! She doesn't need to know what's going on outside her little world. Right now, she needs to concentrate on being 5, going to school, making friends, not being bossy to everyone, and just be a little girl. She does not need to have her innocence shattered and to have nightmares because of an old woman that can't keep her damn mouth shut. Okay...maybe I am a little more pissed about this that I thought. Deep breath...

So in my not-watching-the-news life, I still come across the news on the radio. None of it is very bad stuff. It's all pretty much the stuff they should show on the real news and keep the sensationalism out. Apparently Hostess, makers of high caloric but very yummy snacks, are going bankrupt. While I am glad the temptation will be removed from my sight, I will dearly miss my Suzie Q's, even thought I wouldn't be able to eat them until next year. No more for me! I am so sad.

I got up this morning to see my kids watching the news. Goofy children! News is not for kids. News is for people who like reality TV shows. No offense... I'm just not a fan of any reality show that promotes hostility, encourages promiscuity, or chooses to reveal the worst in people for ratings and the almighty dollar. I say a big NO to shows like Survivor, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and America's Next Top Model, as well as shows that revolve around idiots like the Kardashian's. Ugh...

I really need to get laid. And spanked apparently.

(((hugs)))

No Comment

HOLY COW!!! Where the heck have I been??? Well, let me tell you...I have gone completely insane lately.

First of all, I have been reading y'all's posts...well, until the past week. I found that while I loved the writing, I just had nothing intelligent to write back, so I didn't comment. That lead to some introspection about why I was feeling too inadequate to comment, which lead to me saying "screw it", and some of you emailing me to ask if everything was okay. Yes, everything is okay. I've just been inadequate and very busy.

I decided to go to school to become a nail tech. WHAT?!?!?! But you already have your own successful business and a fabulous Hubby and two beautiful little people... Aren't you too busy to go to school right now?

Yes. Yes I am. But, I'm doing it anyway. Without a creative outlet, I have a hard time coping with the rest of my life. Weird, huh? I'm a much happier person when I'm doing something crafty/girly/beady/knitty/etc-y. And you know what? I'm having fun. I'm meeting some wonderful people and I'm having a great time learning how to put on tips and do acrylics and gels, as well as all the steps to manis and pedis. Best of all, it's taking my mind off crappy things that are happening.

Crappy stuff happens to you too? Huh... I guess we can't be immune to it. I tell you what though...Ignorance is bliss. I'm much happier not knowing things. If the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I have no desire to know. I don't watch the news. I don't read the paper. My employees tell me stuff sometimes. Really, I'm good not knowing.

Back to other things...Why am I going to school? Because I want to be able to volunteer my time at nursing homes/care facilities and do manis on old ladies and talk with them about the good ol' days. I have a soft spot for them.

And what is happening with DD? Nothing. We are just kind of back to normal. Almost like it was a phase. Don't get me wrong, some things have changed a lot. Hubby is still HoH. But my submissive nature mixed with his kindheartedness means that there is no 2nd D. There's just the first one mixed with some erotic spanking on occasion (if I ever get off my stupid period! I swear that ever since I got this IUD, I've been spotting or ragging the entire time. It's been almost 2 months!). That's what makes this ttwd I guess. I'm done trying to change him. He will change when he thinks it's time to and no sooner. He is in charge after all.

It is time to put my babies to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. I promise I will try to comment on your posts, even if it is just to give you ((hugs)).

Discount Spanking

I have always gotten off easy. Until now, all my spankings have been for the purposes of erotica/stress relief. We had a couple of trial "reminder" spankings that consisted of 3-4 swats each side and it was painful, but that's been it. It was then decided that this whole thing was a bit confusing. Both of us needed more definition regarding rules and guidelines. I outlined what I thought followed the general principles of ttwd (emphasis on "we"). It's more of a list of categories. I'm not posting it here, but you can leave your email in a comment or email me and I will send you what I wrote out.  Hubby was pretty happy with it and we agreed that it will work for us.

I had broken major rule on Friday. I lied about something. I'm not sure why I did it, but this has become a disturbing trend for me. Hubby found out about the lie yesterday. Nothing was said until I sent him the new rule setup and explained to him that I knew I had broken a big rule, so I suggested that if he wanted to, he could take care of the infraction later. But there was a problem. I had received some news about my brother that set me off in a panic. I ended up at my therapist's for an emergency session. Some things I can deal with. This was bad enough that it wrecked my world. Let's just say he's gonna need a really good lawyer.

Hubby didn't worry about taking care of the infraction, even though I offered myself. He said that he just wanted to hold me. Seriously I can hear y'all "Awwww!"-ing from here. Lol.

One of my rules is that I am to be ready to leave the house by 8 am. Whether we are meeting to work out together or I just have to go to work, I am to be wherever I'm supposed to be at a decent time. On days we don't work out, I have to be to work by 8:30.

This morning I didn't even get into the shower until 8. He came in and warned me that I was already getting spanked, how much was dependent on how late I was to work. Well, I was 5 minutes late. Add to that the infraction from Friday, and I was in deep doodoo.

But since this was my first technical punishment spanking corrective action, I was given a discounted spanking, as he called it. I would receive 60% off the morning lateness, but add in 20% for the extra 5 minutes I was late. Then I got 80% off the big infraction. In total, that's 5 swats each side. That 67% off the original total. Am I lucky or what?!?!

He knows he was easy on me. He said not to expect discounts every spanking. I think because this was the first official corrective action, he was reluctant. He doesn't want to punish me. He doesn't like doing it. But from what I've heard, it won't be long before he is punishing with gusto. I have read it several places that once he sees what it does for me, for us, and for our family, that he will be less reserved.

Is this your experience?

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?

TTWD: Quarterly Inventory Report

Well, it all started with Stormy's post, then Kate chimed in, and then Lillie did it too, so now I have to also. It just makes sense to take a ttwd inventory so I can remember all the changes.

It's the start of Q4 and my blog turned 2 months old on September 6th. The past 2 months have been a red-bottomed, emotionally-charged, life-altering roller coaster. I've gone from what I thought I wanted, to wanting what everyone else had, to learning about my needs, to this thing we didn't do and then did do sort of, to this thing that WE do. It's a work in progress.

The biggest thing that I've learned is that I have a severe lack of patience, as evident by all my whiny posts about not getting my way. Also I am selfish. These are things I will continue to work on. Ttwd is not something that I do alone. Hubby is in it with me 100%. But I spent the first month and a half trying to force it. It doesn't work that way. Hubby has shown great patience and understanding with me. He's started taking the HoH role very seriously. And he is not letting me get away with much anymore.

What has changed?

My attitude towards Hubby

Submissive: It was suggested several times, and great advice by the way, that I change my attitude to be more submissive to Hubby. Instead of expecting him to make me be submissive, I needed to show him that I can be submissive, and moreover that I want to. And I truly want to. I'm not always good at it, but it's a work in progress.

Selfless: I have been entirely too selfish over the years. Sex was always about me and my needs. If I didn't get my big O during our time together, then he "owed" me. I was being childish and selfish. It became difficult for Hubby to want to make love, not because he couldn't, but because I was pushing him all the time about it. Sex happened maybe once a month. I was overbearing and he didn't like it. He wanted a romantic approach. I don't do romance. I just want to f**k. I know, it's total role reversal when it comes to sex. But let me tell you, sex is amazing now. It doesn't matter if I have an orgasm. The intense spanking, Hubby taking me, the passion, the kissing...it's all wonderful and amazing. And sometimes, I just pleasure him and I don't even think about "my turn". I really don't care. I feel free and loved and wanted and cared for, and because of all of that, I am able to give more.

To work on: Honesty, Obedience, Patience

My attitude towards myself

Forgiven: Forgiving myself will always be a struggle, but I can see where I need to and I can work on it and I can feel the difference when I allow myself to go there. I feel like Hubby never held anything against me, even though I held it against myself. He's incredibly forgiving and more than willing to put it behind us, to forget. I drag myself through the ringer a few times and then it sits there in the corner collecting dust, like all my other sins. I will eventually pull them out, dust them off, and beat myself with them as one of my many failures. But no more. I can't change the past. I can only do my best with the future and when I screw up, own up to it, correct it, and move on.

To work on: Procrastination, Motivation, Health

My attitude towards children/work/home

Not much has changed yet. I still let my children run all over me because I'm too lazy to be consistent. I don't get to work on time most of the time. My house is a disaster. I'm hoping for change in the next quarter.

To work on: Consistency, Motivation, Expediency, Organization

So there you have it... What will the next quarter have in store? I don't know but I'm looking forward to it!

How's your inventory looking? (((hugs)))

Arnica and the Assopractor

Hubby and I like to see the chiropractor. There is nothing like an adjustment to have you standing taller and feeling looser. So when Hubby said my spanking was going to be more like an adjustment from the chiropractor, I jokingly said that he's my ass-opractor. Well, I think it stuck. He is my adjuster and he is very good at it. Yesterday morning I was singing all the way to work. "I've got sunshiiiiiiine on a cloudy day!" Yep. I was definitely well adjusted.

I was also not bruised or sore in the least bit. Arnicare, the brand of arnica gel available at most drugstores, is a MIRACLE. I could not believe that something so...well...homeopathic...could work so well. I am amazed every time we use it. That's not to say I use it all the time. There are times, especially in the beginning, when I liked to feel the after effects the next day as a reminder that Hubby truly cares about me. But since most of our spankings are adjustments, erotic, and/or motivating, there hasn't been much need in me for that.

Now for a confession. Ugh. Season 3 of The Vampire Diaries came out on Netflix yesterday. We watched the first 2 seasons together, totally sucked (no pun intended) into the 9021ohI'mgonnasuckyourblood of it all. I personally think Ian Somerhalder is quite yummy, even though he's got an almost unibrow thing going on. Goodness gracious, Damon and Elena be a couple already. The sexual tension is killing me!

Okay, back to my confession. So Hubby said he doesn't care if I watch the entire season 3 while he's gone for the next 2 weeks. Oh yeah, did I mention that he'll be gone for the NEXT 2 WEEKS?!?! He's got a business thing he has to do across the country. We are going to miss him terribly. Argh...

What was that? Oh yes... Hubby said I could watch season 3 while he is away, but only 2 episodes a night. He doesn't want me to stay up too late, especially since I am the one who has to get up with the kids and take them to school and go work out and go to work, etc. Well last night I kinda watched 3 episodes. My justification was 3-fold really. 1. Hubby hasn't left yet. 2. Hubby was throwing up last night and went to bed early. 3. Ummm...Well I know I had a third one but I can't remember it.

When he asked about it this morning, I totally told him the truth, along with my justifications, and he bought it. He just laughed. I fell asleep through the third episode. I didn't get to bed until midnight 30. But he's here, so it's okay, right? The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that Hubby let's me off way too easy sometimes. I don't disobey very often and when I do, I'm pretty good at justifying it. But my justifications for last night weren't very good. And I knew I was being disobedient when I did it. After a couple glasses of wine, my justifications sounded good enough to me. I'm literally shaking my head at myself right now.

Which brings me to the "ritual" of our spankings. Lillie had, on her previous blog, wondered if any of us had a ritual that goes along with ttwd. Well I'm not sure if what we have is a ritual or not, but it typically goes something like this: I am laying on the bed, in various states of undress. Hubby rolls me over onto my tummy if I'm not their already. He starts a warm up with his hand. It's usually very light and increases in intensity. He likes to see how far he can push me (and I like it too). He brings out an implement, usually the "motivator" (leather paddle) or the hairbrush or the spoon, or a combination of them. He spanks me on one cheek until I'm squirming and kicking and just about screaming. He massages it and then starts spanking the other cheek until he reaches the desired result. We go a few rounds and then we get very passionate.

Usually after we are done, he'll ask me about the spanking. Was it the right intensity? Was it too long? Too short? Too thudy? Yesterday he told me that he has become a pretty good gauge of the strength he has to use to produce the desired results. His strength on a scale from 1-10, is usually around a 1.5-2. I was in shock when he told me that. I can't imagine what a corrective spanking would feel like. My guess is that it would hurt a lot. I would probably cry. And I would never want to get in trouble again.

I know the days of corrective spankings are coming. It's only a matter of time as we evolve in ttwd (or DM - Domestic Motivation), or so I've heard. Over and over I've read of husbands unwilling to take on HOH and discipline at first, and then after they see the results they are "all in". So I know it's coming. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what we have...our version of ttwd, my Assopractor, and arnica.

(((hugs)))

Cruisin'

I'm BAAAAaaaack! Did ya miss me??? I sure missed all of you...my "sisters" and friends. I'm so glad to be back. My cruise was a much needed lesson. My world should not revolve around my blog, or everyone else's blogs. I spent more time with Hubby. We had a long and intense "vacation" and let me tell you, arnica is a miracle. We also had what Hubby dubbed as "spanky sprinkles", to which both of us laughed hysterically because you can not say that without sounding utterly effeminate.

The first thing I did was to close my laptop. Without it, I don't blog. And I can't blog from my phone. The second thing I did was to get out of my room. That is where I do most of my blogging, only because my poor MacBook is so old that the battery no longer charges, so where it's plugged in is where it stays, and it's safest in my room. The third thing I did was sleep. Okay, so sleeping is technically in my room, but I was sick. The cold I had turned out to be a whopper. I just got over most of it yesterday.

Hubby and I talked a lot. I realized that even when I think I'm being patient, I'm not really. Hubby called it Dog Years. 1 day to me feels like 3 weeks already, are we there yet?!?!?! I feel like I have no concept of time anymore. I guess when I want something, I want it now and I've been about as patient as I'm going to get. Plus, ever since I started going to therapy, it feels like we picked off an emotional scab and everything is raw underneath. My stress, anger, hurt, guilt...it's all there at the surface. It's all fresh again. And I grapple with it like a child. I ball up my fists and punch my pillow and cry that it's not fair. The only way to the other side is through it. It's hard work. So yeah, patience is not my friend right now.

Last night we discussed my blogging privileges. Hubby has decreed that once a month, and not during that time of the month, I will take a "cruise" for at least 2 days. I am not to blog in the morning unless I get up before the alarm, in which case I can blog until the alarm goes off. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not getting up before 6:30 am to blog. This girl needs her sleep! I may not blog during work hours. I didn't anyway, but this was a point made clear during the discussion. I may blog in the afternoons, as long as I am not spending the entire afternoon doing it. The kids still need to get homework done, dinner needs to be figured out, and there are chores that refuse to do themselves. I am not to live in blogland. I get that. I'm okay with it. I know I can't let it consume me anymore.

But seriously? The day my cruise started, I was emailed this Groupon offer and I couldn't tell you all about it. It's been driving me crazy. So I finally get to share it with you. Are you ready for this?

You know how we see DD references everywhere?

 

 What's worse? I've seen them driving down the street I live off of. I can't help but giggle!

((Hugs)) everyone!