Friday, March 29, 2013

The Post With No Name

I have been thinking about this post for a while, not being sure what I was going to write. I think it has something to do with ttwd not being what I think it should be right now. There is no "back in the saddle", at least not for Hubby. While he is still HoH, he is extremely gentle and I am definitely not TiH. All our spanking has been for fun and games. He likes the wiggle my butt gets going after being paddled intensely. But it's not for discipline. And I'm sort of okay with that.

When I "came back" to my old self, I immediately started reading up on everything I missed in DDland. I saw that there was a new DD contract and I was rearin' to go. When Hubby asked what I was looking at, I told him and he shook his head. He said that he doesn't want to go back to being strict. Sigh...

So where do I go from here? I guess I don't. I'll keep doing what we are doing, wishing we were doing what y'all are doing. I'll keep reading and learning and listening and sharing. My posts will probably be pretty boring and vanilla, but it's what I've got and I'm not going anywhere. I love you all. And even if I can't have what you have, I am not willing to move on. I like you all too much.

So with all that said, I guess I'm left with this; whatever happens happens. No stress. No sweat. C'est la vie.

On the not so sad front, my kids are doing well. We are all healthy. Hubby's business is signing some big contracts which means no more stressing over money for a while. My business is going okay, but sales are really slow and we had to lay off a few people. I am working on key accounts to try to bring us to the next level.

After Easter I plan to go back on my diet and exercise. Hubby wants to join tae kwon-do and asked if I wanted to as well. I'm not so sure about that, but maybe. The kids have been doing martial arts after school, both Judo and Tae Kwon-do. He thinks it would be great to spar with the kiddos. I'm a lover not a fighter. ;)

I will have my nail license soon. Everyone who sees my nails wants me to do theirs. I will have a pretty lucrative, albeit very part-time, career. I want to make a name for myself as the lady who does the amazing nails in our area. I'm also looking forward to a day each week with the old ladies. I plan to volunteer 1 day a week at a local assisted care facility.

Other than all that, there is not much going on that you don't already do yourselves; taking care of kids, running them around, meals, tv, guests, holidays, spring break camp, work, sleep...Just no D in my DD.

Maybe we'll circle round. Maybe we won't. I'm not upset, frustrated, or depressed. I'm not angry. I'm at peace with it for now.

Have a wonderful Easter!


Friday, March 22, 2013

Love and Idiot Lights

I've been working on several posts in my head, none of which would make a whole post; more like a blurb. I finally have a little something though.

Thanks to Dana (again), I decided to go take my Love Language test. Obviously, if you couldn't tell by the ((hugs)) I leave everyone, I am a physical touch person. What I found interesting is how Hubby was so different (yes, I made him take the test too). Mine looks like this (from most important to least):
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service

Quality Time and Words of Affirmation tied for 2nd.

Hubby's profile looked more like this:

Acts of Service
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time and Receiving Gifts tied for 2nd, but he said that receiving gifts was the lesser of 2 evils. When asked "Would you rather your wife tell you how wonderful you are or surprise you with a little gift?" he would choose gift because he feels no need for words of affirmation.

It's so important for us to know each other's love language so we can see how to love each other best. I have kind of always known that he was and Acts of Service guy, but I didn't know that that's how he feels loved. Looking around at the house, you could plainly see that I have not been loving him in the way that he needs.

We have a tendency, as people, to love others in the way we feel love, not in the way that they need it. No wonder so many people feel so unloved. If we understood each other better, then maybe there would be less divorce, breakups, and heartache in this world. I urge you all to go take the love languages test; you and your significant other. It's free and only takes a few minutes. After the test, you will receive and email with your results and it also has suggestions on how you can show love to your SO according to their love language.

I have not been doing well loving Hubby how he feels loved best, and really I never have. This morning was a prime example. Every morning I am to get up and get the kids ready to go to school so that when he is done showering and getting dressed, they can all walk out the door. I made sure they got dressed for the most part and then I went back to bed. Once he was done, he had a lot of stuff to do to finish getting the kids ready, like finding backpacks and making snacks. He was pretty upset, made a few comments, and generally was in a mood that looked more like I was in for it.

Of course I wasn't. I should've been. I rightly deserved to be. I was half expecting him to come home, demand I get out of bed, and bend over the end of it. I expected him to grab the leather paddle, pull down my panties, and let loose on my behind all the while lecturing me on how I know he needs my help in the morning and how it's my responsibility to help him. He didn't. Instead, he came home in a good mood talking about how he let his best friend borrow his motorcycle for the day. I, of course, feel guilty for not doing what I should've. And what is the best way to assuage that guilt but to bare myself for punishment.

I've been doing a lot of reading and realized that that is what punishment is for. I was so confused about it before. Why do I feel the need to get spanked? It's how I could get rid of the guilt that plagues me, and according to my therapist, guilt is and always will be my biggest struggle. Receiving a spanking also how I show my submission. When Hubby and I are intimate, I will often lay on my tummy so he can have his way with me. He loves to watch me wriggle while he paddles away. (I know...TMI...sorry) So while he may want to punish by making me do chores or taking away privileges, he misses the point of the punishment. My guilt does not go away by doing chores of loosing my phone. My guilt goes away when I feel like I can cry it out. Does this make sense?

Finally, I want to leave you with something on a lighter note. Yesterday morning I was driving around when I noticed this idiot light staring at me. I had never seen anything like it before, but being of the same mindset, I am sure you can see what I was thinking.

I know now that is a low tire pressure indicator light. But what does it look like to you?

Have a good weekend! (((hugs)))

Monday, March 18, 2013

A Woman of Contradiction

What an interesting weekend...
In the middle of chatting with my dear friend Lillie, I realized that I am a woman of contradiction. How do I justify all this? How is it that I am so impatient with others and yet the biggest procrastinator to walk the planet? How is it that I want to control ttwd, and yet I am supposed to be the submissive partner in it? Well all of this has gotten me to thinking. Uht oh...

As my kids' martial arts coach is fond of saying, "Look it up in the dictionary!"

pa·tience  [pey-shuhns]  noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
1. composure, stability, self-possession; submissiveness, sufferance. Patience endurance fortitude stoicism imply qualities of calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances. Patience may denote calm, self-possessed, and unrepining bearing of pain, misfortune, annoyance, or delay; or painstaking and untiring industry or (less often) application in the doing of something: to bear afflictions with patience. Endurance denotes the ability to bear exertion, hardship, or suffering (without implication of moral qualities required or shown): Running in a marathon requires great endurance. Fortitude implies not only patience but courage and strength of character in the midst of pain, affliction, or hardship: to show fortitude in adversity. Stoicism is calm fortitude, with such repression of emotion as to seem almost like indifference to pleasure or pain: The American Indians were noted for stoicism under torture. 3. indefatigability, persistence, assiduity.

Without complaint, loss of temper, or irritation? Suppress restlessness or annoyance? Who exactly do they think I am? Superwoman?!?! Restlessness is the real big one for me here. I get so preoccupied and I spin myself in circles because, at that very moment, nothing and no one are as important as the situation at hand. I don't have any back burners. All of them are right up front. So what do I do? How do you learn patience without having to be subjected to something that would cause you impatience? If patience were a muscle, mine could barely lift a feather. Maybe I should think of it that way. Isn't the saying that you should "exercise patience?" Well that's no fun... And notice how submissiveness is mentioned in there too? And how many times is the word "pain" used? 4. Yep.
sub·mit  [suhb-mit]  verb, sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.
verb (used without object)
5. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
6. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
7. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.
1. comply, bow, obey, agree, resign. See yield.

Well I think we all know what "submit" means. We've all been though it. But I want your opinion on something. Here is an example of what I mean by trying to control the situation. Maybe you can tell me if I'm pushing things.

This morning, the stupid alarm went off and the designated time but we just did not want to get up. Hubby jokingly asked, "Why you gotta keep me up so late?" You see, last night we had a friend over and then after a drink too many, Hubby asked if I wanted to go watch a recorded show. I informed him that it was after midnight, so no, it's way too late. He came to bed. We played and experimented with something new. We passed out. And voilà! It was morning before we knew it. My response to his question? "You could always impose a curfew!" He didn't say anything and I didn't push it. But is suggesting rules considered trying to control ttwd?

I figure that you can't be truly submissive and have no voice. You may be able to learn patience, but at what point do you say something?

I guess I'm a lot like my son in that I gotta keep asking to clarify so that I know that Hubby knows that there is a specific question on the table that I am trying to get answered without being too controlling and impatient.

What do you do?

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Patience and Falling

Yesterday was amazing. My birthday was wonderful with a couple exceptions, one of them being an issue with my business that adds a little too much drama to my otherwise peaceful day, but no matter. But the other issue was that Hubby is once again reading my blog and has requested that I talk to him before blogging about stuff. Yes, he is absolutely right. I, once again, am being impatient and wrapped up trying to control everything again. Hubby, even though I paint him to be completely perfect in every way (because he is), would like to be "perfect-er-ish-ness-ituity" (great wordsmith my man is!). And when I say things that may make him look less than what he is, I take away the chance for him to make things right. Also, I need to be fair to him. He's had to put up with über-B for several months now and I need to let him readjust to the old me. For me, it just feels like we should pick up where we left off, but he needs time to reacquaint himself. I need to be patient. That's not something I'm very good at. Any advice on that one?

I've also realized that I get giddy now every time I touch Hubby's hand. I feel like "we" are new all over again. I look at him with wonder and awe. I am falling in love again and again and again. He excites me. I just want to do anything and everything to please him. After reading Dana's post, I was reminded of exactly why I loved this ttwd life we had. I so hope we get to get back to it soon. Hubby was showing signs yesterday of trying his HoH hat back on. It was very nice...comforting. What do you love about ttyd?

Also, I must say another apology for my disappearing act; this one to someone dear to my heart, Lillie. I feel as though I failed you as a friend and I am so very sorry. I didn't mean to leave you like that. I know I hurt you and I am beyond words to describe deep sorrow I feel for it. Just know that whenever you are ready to let me back in, I will not fail you. I promise you that. (((hugs)))

And (((hugs))) to everyone else.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Happy Birthday to Me and 2 Down 40 to Go

I could spend this post recounting all the reasons why things suck right now. But last night I buried my hurt. I can't cry. I want to. I just can't. Besides, turning 42 today and I don't want to ruin it with a bunch of drama.

Just be rest assured that I did talk to Hubby yesterday about my feelings and he didn't have much to say about the matter. I also accidentally brought up ttwd, and he's not interested. I don't have anything further to add about that at this point.

But lest you think I'm grumpy, I am not. This morning, I bent over our bed after taking a shower so I could rest and play a game on my phone for a minute (usually I lay on my tummy, but because of the surgery I can't). Hubby came by and gave me 2 birthday swats. I informed him he has 40 to go.

So happy birthday to me. We are off to go see Oz, which is really funny to state now that I think about it. Gonna have a popcorn lunch. I hope you all have a great day!


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Crushing, Overwhelming Guilt and I Need Advice

My sins are many. I have been miserable to live with. I have thought and said things that are inexcusable. Hubby, the shining beacon of a perfect husband that he is (No, I'm not being facetious. He really is that incredible and I don't deserve him.), carries no record of wrongs. But as each minute passes. I remember more and more of my transgressions.

I am being crushed under the weight of the knowledge of what I've done. I feel sick. I know what I need to do but I seem unwilling to do it. I need to cry. A lot. That's the only way, I think, I can let go of it all and forgive myself. But I just can't. I've done too much. I've broken all the rules I said I never would. I disrespected him to his face and behind his back. I was rude to him. I distanced myself from him. I stopped touching him. I withdrew intimacy. I pushed him away. I was dishonest. I lied. A lot. Mostly about where I was, especially if I was running late. I defied his authority. I decided that I was in charge of myself and he could go f*** himself (and yes, I muttered that under my breath on more than one occasion). I disobeyed him. I didn't want to do anything that I didn't want to do and he couldn't make me. I didn't care what effect my actions had on him. But the worst thing I did, in my own mind, was take back my vows. I never said it out loud. But I thought it. I wanted to rip that picture off the wall I made of the cloud version of my vows and toss it. I also looked at the very dusty box of implements and decided that that was never going to happen again so I may as well toss them in the garbage. I didn't. But I wanted to.

Yes, that's right. I was willing to throw it all away. I just didn't care. And while it was the hormones that made me this way, I am still responsible for my actions. I chose to not reign myself in, but to happily ignore how my actions affected others. I chose to let things get bad. I chose to not care. So while Hubby forgives me completely, saying to himself all those months "That's not my wife", I have to face up to the fact that it was partially me. It's the me that I keep in check most of the time, until, due to hormones, I couldn't.

This is the way I feel. Right, wrong, or indifferent, these are my feelings and I have the right to have them. But with that said, I need advice. What do I do with these feelings? How do I get them out of me? How do I forgive myself? HELP?!?! I can't stand the constant ache in my chest. What do I do?


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Lucy! You Got Some ‘Splainin’ to do!

Oh goodness...where to even start...

First off, I apologize for going AWOL and not responding to anything or anyone. It was never my intention to abandon everyone and everything. I am so sorry. Now let me 'splain...

In October, I got a Mirena IUD put in to control my menstrual bleeding. The Mirena contains a small amount of progesterone which releases constantly, keeping the uterine lining to thin to support a pregnancy. But I didn't get it for birth control. I couldn't get pregnant anyway because I have PCOS and it would require surgery to drill holes in my ovaries as well as medication to encourage ovulation. I just needed to not bleed half to death every month. My monthly thing was keeping me trapped in my home for 3 days at a time. I was going to have an endometrial ablation, but thought the Mirena would be less invasive and definitely less expensive. Boy was I wrong!

Since getting the Mirena, I did nothing but spot constantly and my attitude changed completely. The little bit of hormone in the IUD caused me to become a complete B! I could feel the changes, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was a prisoner.

And then it got worse. The world was spiraling out of control. I became further and further detached from people. The only comfort I could feel was that of snuggling my children. I started going to school and, even though I promised I would work 3 days a week, I didn't. I lied more. I held back. I took offense. I justified. I became angry. I ignored. I was an insensitive, self-absorbed B. Hubby and I actually got into a fight, and we NEVER fight. He's called my by my name instead of my nickname more times than I can count. I totally deserved a hide tanning literally every day. But he put up with me. He didn't demand anything. Yet he definitely got the short end of the deal. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing what I've done more and more. It's been horrible. So many times he lamented that he wanted his wife back.

The fix? Well, remove the damn thing! Right? Uht-oh... Houston, we have a problem! The string that is attached to the IUD has disappeared. The doctor couldn't find it. No string? No fix. Ugh! What's the next step? Surgery. Oh yay. Plans were made to surgically remove the IUD, do a D & C, do the ablation, and then tie my tubes (just in case). It was going to be expensive. But we were willing to do anything at this point. We had some financial hiccups, being that it was a new year and that meant I had to pay a $2500 deductible. And then a friend at school suggested that I look into doing the LSH procedure. This would remove my uterus and keep my ovaries and cervix in tact. Sounded great to me.

I did worry about the finality of it all. No uterus means no chance of pregnancy. Even though I wasn't planning on having any more kidlets, I wasn't planning on not being able to  either. I know that doesn't make a whole lotta sense. But I couldn't get pregnant anyway, right? Well not without serious medical intervention, no. But there was the chance. Enter the understanding of levels of finality. Getting an ablation meant no more bleeding, most likely. Having my tubes tied meant no eggs getting fertilized, but it could be reversed. But once they take out your uterus, there is no reversing that. It final. Zero chance. And I thought I would grieve that.

I had the surgery on March 5th. Today I feel like my old self. I have such a mixture of emotions. First of all, I'm horny as all get out. Holy cow! When is the last time I had sex anyway? Second, I'm sorry. My heart hurts for all the hurt I caused. I have been apologizing to everyone all day, beginning with Hubby. If I could get a spanking today, I would gladly take it. I deserve it. But recovery is a long process and it will be a couple weeks before that can happen. Third, I want to make amends. I want to please Hubby. I want to start doing things right again.

Of course, all this means that I am back. No more ignoring my blog and all the friends that I've made. I'm so sorry to all of you for abandoning and ignoring you. It won't happen again. I promise.