One Year Blogiversary!

Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...

I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again

Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!

And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

He Did It and Is This Normal?

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I've had a million post titles run thought my head: Saddle Sore, Shaken not Stirred, My Place...I finally settled for what you see up there, and at the point that I am writing this, I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind is in a confused jumble of emotions I don't know how to begin to process. I guess I should explain what happened...

Hubby took me in hand last night. He stepped up big time. He said he had time to think and he knows what I need. He lectured and spanked, lectured and spanked, and lectured and spanked some more. He said so much last night that I can't begin to remember it all. I'm not even sure how most of you remember what's being said as you are being spanked.

He told me so much; everything I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was encouraging, supportive, stern, loving, and controlled. He spoke carefully, definitively, about how he was going to lead our household and start setting things right.  He talked about how we need to start reading the Bible with the kids and start living like God would want instead of squandering what He has given us. He talked about how we need to be an example to our kids, how I'm not always going to want to do what he needs me to, and how sometimes he may get frustrated, and how that may mean consequences, and how I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and how he's watched me for 12 years and knows me and what I can handle and knows what I can't.

In the end, he pulled out the wood paddle with the holes to help drive his point home. He calls it "the closer", but based on my reaction to it, he wants to call it "the defibrillator". It stings like crazy!!! He spanked relentlessly and I went into a panic. I lost control. I couldn't be still. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything. I was confused and in an adrenaline tailspin. It was the tipping point. I'm not sure when, but he stopped the spanking and laid on top of me and I started to cry. It's wasn't the cry I expected. I thought it would be a culmination of all the guilt I was carrying. I thought it would be the guilt that pulled me into tears. But it wasn't. The panic, the adrenaline... I couldn't catch my breath and the tears came between gasps.

I felt a deep remorse, a desire to make things right. I cried "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" over and over again. He held me tightly and comforted me. He was the strong man I always needed him to be. He did everything right. He is amazing. I want nothing more than to please him. And maybe that's why I was crying. I was stuck in a rut where I knew I wasn't pleasing him and I'm not sure I wanted to. He pulled me out of it and put me in my place. No, not "my place" as in where a woman belongs or some nonsense. He put me in the place that I belong; the safe, warm place where I can relax because I know that he's got me.

This morning, I am filled with so many emotions and I'm not sure what they all are. I feel liberated and excited. At the same time, I feel tentative and sober. I feel afraid because this is a new change and I hate change. But I need this change. I need it desperately. I feel like I want to cry and rejoice all at once. I feel alive. I feel connected, not just to him, but to others too. I want to go around hugging everyone. I feel what he wanted me to feel; empowered.

I'm grateful to Hubby for spanking me to tears. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I'm afraid it will happen again, and yet I need it to happen again and again and again. I need to be pushed over the brink and to fall into his safe and loving embrace. I need to push and feel his strength in return.

So there you have it. DD is in full force. We are back in the saddle, this time with the intention to ride it out, for as long as we both shall live. The veil has been lifted. He is HoH. I am TiH. I am his fully, completely.

But what is this jumble in my head? Is this normal? I don't remember being able to feel more than one emotion at a time and yet it feels as though they have come out all at once. Do you know what I mean?

(((hugs)))

Patience and Falling

Yesterday was amazing. My birthday was wonderful with a couple exceptions, one of them being an issue with my business that adds a little too much drama to my otherwise peaceful day, but no matter. But the other issue was that Hubby is once again reading my blog and has requested that I talk to him before blogging about stuff. Yes, he is absolutely right. I, once again, am being impatient and wrapped up trying to control everything again. Hubby, even though I paint him to be completely perfect in every way (because he is), would like to be "perfect-er-ish-ness-ituity" (great wordsmith my man is!). And when I say things that may make him look less than what he is, I take away the chance for him to make things right. Also, I need to be fair to him. He's had to put up with über-B for several months now and I need to let him readjust to the old me. For me, it just feels like we should pick up where we left off, but he needs time to reacquaint himself. I need to be patient. That's not something I'm very good at. Any advice on that one?

I've also realized that I get giddy now every time I touch Hubby's hand. I feel like "we" are new all over again. I look at him with wonder and awe. I am falling in love again and again and again. He excites me. I just want to do anything and everything to please him. After reading Dana's post, I was reminded of exactly why I loved this ttwd life we had. I so hope we get to get back to it soon. Hubby was showing signs yesterday of trying his HoH hat back on. It was very nice...comforting. What do you love about ttyd?

Also, I must say another apology for my disappearing act; this one to someone dear to my heart, Lillie. I feel as though I failed you as a friend and I am so very sorry. I didn't mean to leave you like that. I know I hurt you and I am beyond words to describe deep sorrow I feel for it. Just know that whenever you are ready to let me back in, I will not fail you. I promise you that. (((hugs)))

And (((hugs))) to everyone else.

Happy Birthday to Me and 2 Down 40 to Go

I could spend this post recounting all the reasons why things suck right now. But last night I buried my hurt. I can't cry. I want to. I just can't. Besides, turning 42 today and I don't want to ruin it with a bunch of drama.

Just be rest assured that I did talk to Hubby yesterday about my feelings and he didn't have much to say about the matter. I also accidentally brought up ttwd, and he's not interested. I don't have anything further to add about that at this point.

But lest you think I'm grumpy, I am not. This morning, I bent over our bed after taking a shower so I could rest and play a game on my phone for a minute (usually I lay on my tummy, but because of the surgery I can't). Hubby came by and gave me 2 birthday swats. I informed him he has 40 to go.

So happy birthday to me. We are off to go see Oz, which is really funny to state now that I think about it. Gonna have a popcorn lunch. I hope you all have a great day!

(((hugs)))

Lucy! You Got Some ‘Splainin’ to do!

Oh goodness...where to even start...

First off, I apologize for going AWOL and not responding to anything or anyone. It was never my intention to abandon everyone and everything. I am so sorry. Now let me 'splain...

In October, I got a Mirena IUD put in to control my menstrual bleeding. The Mirena contains a small amount of progesterone which releases constantly, keeping the uterine lining to thin to support a pregnancy. But I didn't get it for birth control. I couldn't get pregnant anyway because I have PCOS and it would require surgery to drill holes in my ovaries as well as medication to encourage ovulation. I just needed to not bleed half to death every month. My monthly thing was keeping me trapped in my home for 3 days at a time. I was going to have an endometrial ablation, but thought the Mirena would be less invasive and definitely less expensive. Boy was I wrong!

Since getting the Mirena, I did nothing but spot constantly and my attitude changed completely. The little bit of hormone in the IUD caused me to become a complete B! I could feel the changes, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was a prisoner.

And then it got worse. The world was spiraling out of control. I became further and further detached from people. The only comfort I could feel was that of snuggling my children. I started going to school and, even though I promised I would work 3 days a week, I didn't. I lied more. I held back. I took offense. I justified. I became angry. I ignored. I was an insensitive, self-absorbed B. Hubby and I actually got into a fight, and we NEVER fight. He's called my by my name instead of my nickname more times than I can count. I totally deserved a hide tanning literally every day. But he put up with me. He didn't demand anything. Yet he definitely got the short end of the deal. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing what I've done more and more. It's been horrible. So many times he lamented that he wanted his wife back.

The fix? Well, remove the damn thing! Right? Uht-oh... Houston, we have a problem! The string that is attached to the IUD has disappeared. The doctor couldn't find it. No string? No fix. Ugh! What's the next step? Surgery. Oh yay. Plans were made to surgically remove the IUD, do a D & C, do the ablation, and then tie my tubes (just in case). It was going to be expensive. But we were willing to do anything at this point. We had some financial hiccups, being that it was a new year and that meant I had to pay a $2500 deductible. And then a friend at school suggested that I look into doing the LSH procedure. This would remove my uterus and keep my ovaries and cervix in tact. Sounded great to me.

I did worry about the finality of it all. No uterus means no chance of pregnancy. Even though I wasn't planning on having any more kidlets, I wasn't planning on not being able to  either. I know that doesn't make a whole lotta sense. But I couldn't get pregnant anyway, right? Well not without serious medical intervention, no. But there was the chance. Enter the understanding of levels of finality. Getting an ablation meant no more bleeding, most likely. Having my tubes tied meant no eggs getting fertilized, but it could be reversed. But once they take out your uterus, there is no reversing that. It final. Zero chance. And I thought I would grieve that.

I had the surgery on March 5th. Today I feel like my old self. I have such a mixture of emotions. First of all, I'm horny as all get out. Holy cow! When is the last time I had sex anyway? Second, I'm sorry. My heart hurts for all the hurt I caused. I have been apologizing to everyone all day, beginning with Hubby. If I could get a spanking today, I would gladly take it. I deserve it. But recovery is a long process and it will be a couple weeks before that can happen. Third, I want to make amends. I want to please Hubby. I want to start doing things right again.

Of course, all this means that I am back. No more ignoring my blog and all the friends that I've made. I'm so sorry to all of you for abandoning and ignoring you. It won't happen again. I promise.

(((hugs)))

What's the Word I'm Looking For??

I got a comment last night on my last post and I just have to share it with everyone. It comes out of the blue with a really good question that not only made me laugh, but made me really think. Check it out...

Maybe you guys can help me? I'm trying to find the right word for something. You know when you want sex, you say "I'm Horny." There's no denying what it means, no confusing it with any other desire. Being 'horny' means only one thing. Well there needs to be a word for when you just need a spanking!! I don't care if it's made up or an actual word. But there must be something that says, "I NEED a spanking! I'm feeling rambunctious and naughty and tumultuous and insecure and stressed out and there's only one thing I need and want that will calm me down! PUT ME OVER YOUR KNEE!" My husband and I have been trying to think of a word. The only thing I can come up with that's close is "Spanksual" (Spank-Shoo-ul). But it's not quite right. It's more like for use as in "Just looking at the collection of implements gets me thinking Spanksual thoughts." It's not quite how to describe the 'Horny' Need/Wanton Desire for the only thing that will satisfy it. Any ideas??
-Ses Q. Padalian

Yep. That's what I thought. Why isn't there a word for that? I read this to Hubby and he was quiet for a moment. I thought maybe he was into his book or something, but he was formulating the perfect word...

Posterical

LMAO! Hubby is a funny guy. Leave it to him to come up with something so...so...goofy. It just may stick though. Well...unless you have a better idea? Come on friends and lurkers! Give it your best shot!

What word would you make up for this?

A Good BAD Girl

I loves me some good girl spankins! I got one this morning so we could try out the new implements. Boy oh boy oh boy do they sting! Let me introduce you to them...

Meet my 5 fingered friend. It's leather and quite stingy. It's quite a bit wider than I thought, but that's okay. Since it's stiff still, the very ends make the most contact and it hurts like the dickens. Once it softens, I'm sure it will spread the sting more evenly. I look forward to that. I'm a big leather fan! It's very quiet compared to the leather paddle I have.

And then there is the EVIL wooden holey paddle. This little monster is probably going to replace the hairbrush for corrective actions. Hubby just barely let the paddle fall on my behind and it stung and made me jump. I'm sure he will want to play with it some more to see how much I can take. I like some wooden implement play, but this one is going to take some getting used to! It's much quieter than the hairbrush.

Of course I had to try out a cane. I must say that I'm not too thrilled with it. It doesn't sting so much as hurt like the dickens. I can't put it in the stingy or the thuddy category. It's different than that. I imagine that I could get used to it if we played with it in the right way, but I definitely don't want to use it for a corrective action. It also makes me glad I stayed away from anything like the Loopy Johnny! We will have to be careful with this one... Extremely quiet except for my squeals of fear.

So now you've met my new frienemies (btw I hate that term but I didn't know how else to describe them). We will see who I end up hating/loving. They are all very well made and I think they will last a very long time. Shipping was super fast! Visit Cane-iac for all your spanking needs. I know I will go back again! (No, I'm not a reviewer. I bought everything I got from their store. They don't even know I'm writing this.)

We now have a new problem though. We need a bigger box! It's full of goodies and the newest ones don't quite fit all the way in. I'm thinking a box with a lock on it would be good. Then we could keep it under the bed instead of trying to hide it in the closet. Anyone have any suggestions?

I do have to blame all of this on one lovely lady... Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts is such a great connector. I've gotten to read all kinds of blogs I never would've found and I definitely would not have met my new blogger bloomer friends. Plus, she added me when I was still fresh to this and I got so many readers that I definitely wouldn't have had. I love that you can see all the bloomers by type and it's all color coded and nifty. Definitely speaks to my need for organization. Super big ((((((hugs)))))) for Bonnie, you are one BAD girl! We appreciate you immensely!

Mick is Back - Just Relocated...

Did you see it? Did you see it????

Mick is back! I could not be more thrilled! He has relocated to Mick and Lynda's Place. I am so relieved. I was hoping he wouldn't be gone forever. There are very few HoH bloggers bloomers out there and us girls appreciate the other side's point of view.

Welcome back Mick! 

A New Look and a CoolAss

So I've gone and done it now! I decided to go with a different look to my blog. It's still dark but hopeful, a turquoise rose in bloom. I only wish it had rounded corners. It feels like it should be rounded.

Not much has been happening here except an emotional apocalypse that I will write about later. It's a lot of me being impatient, selfish, and trying to control things that are not mine to control. You all know what that's like, right? RIGHT????

It's our busy season and orders are coming in droves. I'm not complaining. After all, I got to hire a new employee; a fellow mom who needed work because her husband doesn't get paid enough and times is hard (all you grammarians out there can keep your panties on, I did that on purpose).

I haven't seen any paddles or hairbrushes as of late. All's quiet in my neck of the woods. As a matter of fact, Hubby gave me a most unexpected kiss this morning. He's in a great mood. It could be because I got him a CoolAss. Yes, you read that right! A CoolAss is a cover for a motorcycle seat to keep it cool and dry. It gets awful hot here in Florida and his motorcycle seat gets downright unbearable. So now, we both have cool a$$es; his because of the cover and mine because of the lack of spankings. I really wouldn't mind having mine a little warmer though...

((hugs))

So Fresh and So Clean Clean

A huge, monstrous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happy and free and able to do what I need to get done. Whatever did you do LM??? Well....

I hired some cleaning people to come help me unmess my house. It was fantastic what they were able to accomplish in 2 short hours. Plus I had a friend come over too and she took care of the kids' rooms. The house looks amazing and I feel amazing and it's all wonderful again. I can breathe!!! Granted, there are a few messes to get through. But guess what??? I don't feel overwhelmed by them. I can clean up and it's not a big deal. I feel like I can relax until Hubby gets home instead of stressing over all the mess that's so overwhelming I don't even know where to get started.

Of course I helped the cleaning people. I didn't make everyone work while I sat with my feet up. I was energized by all the help. I started with the dining room and my bedroom. I didn't know we had a floor! Lol!

Even Hubby noticed how happy I was. I was dancing in my chair while video-chatting with him. Yes, he's still in a land far far away. He will be back around 1:30 AM Sunday. I will be awake I think. I don't think I can sleep. I'm so excited he will finally be coming home. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss him.

I have planned Monday morning, after the kids have been taken to school, as the time we will spend reconnecting. With everything so busy and out of control, it's nice to know we can at least spend a few hours with each other, without interruption.

I know...this is a totally non-DD post. I went all vanilla on ya. You love me anyway.... (((hugs)))