I've spent a lot of time reading and learning and adding new blogs to my list ----->
And I've come up with this to say. I've been going about this all wrong. All. Wrong. I kind of feel silly and childish for my impatience.
After I read The Science of Spanking, and Kate's blog post about her big epiphany, I knew what we had to do. I texted Hubby the science of spanking link (he didn't read it then though) and decided that, after we put the kids down and watched a bit of tv, we would go to bed and take turns talking and pleasuring each other in ways the other likes. Hubby is very vanilla and hardly every really thinks about sex. It's very strange for a man to not be thinking about it all the time. I actually have to remind him that it's been a month and I could really use to get laid please. Whereas I am constantly thinking about sex. I can't get enough.
Last night wasn't really to be about sex. It was to be about pleasuring each other. He loves massages. He loves to be touched in a nonsexual way. Little kisses. Little touches. We talked about emotional needs. We talked about me disappointing him. He quoted his vows to me on our wedding day, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. He said that he keeps no records of wrongs, so once it's over with, he completely forgets about it. I forget too. That's one of the things I love most about our relationship. More little kisses and touches. Of course, it turned into something more sexual because I was massaging lower and lower on his back and at the top of his bottom. So my hands roamed a bit. What can I say?
When it was my turn, I had him rub my bottom and thighs. We talked about why I need spanking in my life. We talked about how I don't feel so weird about it anymore, like I'm some sort of freak, because of all the wonderful bloggers out there that are just like me. We talked about spreading out the swats to other parts of my bottom, like the top of my thighs. He started swatting me in different places and asking me if that was a good place. Then he would swat several more times until I was squirming (for the record, the top of the thighs stings like a son-of-a-gun!!!). We talked about the emotional release I get. We did not talk about punishment, or boundaries, or anything non-pleasurable. (His time, not mine. He will go there when he's ready.) He preceded to spank me hard. He held me down and spanked me everywhere we talked about. I started breathing heavier, even panting. I was shaking uncontrollably. It was like my body was fighting it.
I don't understand. Emotionally I need spanking. I crave it. But it hurts so much. It's almost unbearable at times. Am I fighting my strong-will? Am I having that hard of a time submitting to him? I can take a lot, but at some point it crosses over from pleasure to outright pain and I struggle. If I'm getting a spanking to help me let go of the stress, at what point do I know I'm done?
I felt strange today. Like something unknown was between Hubby and I. Something has changed and I don't know if it's a bad thing or not. Maybe it's just a change, and that's what's got me out of sorts. I also noted that punishment spankings wouldn't be because he felt the need to make sure I stayed in line. It comes down to either he spanks me to clear my slate, or I beat myself up emotionally. When I verbally abuse myself, I can get downright mean. It's not healthy. If he were to spank me before I could do myself that damage, it would make a huge change in me. Or at least this is the theory. It all sounds good on paper. And again, it's his time and not mine. I have to be patient. I have to submit. What I need will come in good time. Whether or not I can handle it when it does is for another blog post...