This morning, Hubby made me breakfast and coffee. He's never done that before (the breakfast anyway), or at least not in a very very very long time. I think the silence we had last night as we lay in bed had something to do with it. I'm angry at his refusal to help me with my needs and he's confused about why his wife would want such a thing. Even I question in. Domestic Discipline? Seriously??? What kind of crazy person am I anyway? I'm obviously not in my right mind. I want to be punished? What would my therapist say? (No way in hell I would ever tell her)
I'm trying hard to see it from Hubby's point of view. His wife just asked him to hurt her physically, to punish her. Everything screams that it's wrong and abusive and, well just wrong. He doesn't like this side of his wife. It's one thing to spank her during sex. That's fun and she enjoys it. He doesn't want to do something that she won't enjoy. He doesn't want to make her cry. They get along so well... Why mess with a good thing? He doesn't want to take on some sort of father role with his wife. She's his partner for goodness sake! They lean on each other. He doesn't feel strong enough to be the leader and his word is the final word and that's it. He's not a tyrant. He just wants his normal wife back. What happened to her?
Hubby doesn't have any really close friends. He has a few guys that he doesn't mind hanging out with now and then, but no one he can really confide in when it comes to this stuff. There is no one he can call up and say, "Hey. So my wife wants me to start being the head of the household, including punishing her for not following my rules. What do you think of this? Is this normal? Has she gone completely off her rocker?" Who can he turn to? He doesn't want to research it. He will read the links I send him, but he doesn't like what he reads most of the time.
I feel bad for him. I do. But I feel bad for me too. I feel like I'm being robbed of this experience. He's refused to help be become a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. I can't do it on my own. I need his help. I need his loving guidance.
I am an all or nothing kind of girl. My first instinct after he told me "No" last night was to pack up all my toys and put them high up in the closet. You know...out of sight, out of mind. I decided against it when I saw my broken hair brush. It somehow got cracked and we can't use it any more. I've been contemplating a replacement. Do I go shopping? Or do I just let it be as a reminder?
This post is getting a little too depressing for me and as usually I'm going to be a little late to work. At least my assistant will be late too.
Big hugs to all my new friends! I'm starting to feel like I belong, even though I am not practicing DD.