He said no. Again. My heart is crushed into a million pieces and I want to cry. He says our relationship is a partnership and he doesn't feel comfortable punishing me. He said no. Again and again and again. My heart is broken. I can't begin to describe how I feel. Embarrassed. Shameful. Sad. Hurt. Afraid. Discarded. Alone. Rejected. I can't stop the tears.
What's worse? I knew he would say no. I knew he wouldn't agree to it. It doesn't matter what I want. He doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He is not dominant. He doesn't want to be HoH. I'm a strong woman, and I come from a long line of strong women. But I can't be strong in everything. I feel like I'm failing and I'm begging for his help and he said no. He thinks there are other ways to hold each other accountable. I don't want to do it that way anymore. It hasn't worked for the past 10 years, so what makes him think it will work now? I asked him to be at least willing to experiment. He said no. He's okay with experimenting in a sexual way, but not when it comes to other aspects of our life.
Oh my heart hurts so much. He and the boy are done showering so I have to go now. I'll try to write more later when maybe the sting of rejection is faded a bit.
ohhhhh, I'm so sorry. *big hug*. I'm especially sorry that you feel embarrassed, shameful, rejected, discarded, alone. UGH! Your desires are not shameful. Wanting a DD dynamic is nothing to be embarrassed about! I know the sting of rejection is very strong right now, but when you have a little space, you might believe that the chance of having what you desire is not all lost. Your husband just may need to come to it more gradually. Many couples start as fun in the bedroom for a couple of years and then progress.
ReplyDeleteMy husband also says no way - he thinks it's dysfunctional. We are just playing in the bedroom for now, and little pieces of it fall out of the bedroom - in a light-hearted, joking kind of way. It's already enhanced our relationship just in this stage/form. I think as he gets more comfortable and it becomes more of a natural dynamic between us, things could grow or progress to something else. But I'm not asking for more than he wants to give for now.
Surround yourself with love right now and honor your feelings and desires as you also honor his.
Hoping that things smooth out on this front for you....
Renee, thank you so much for your kind words and good advice. Patience is not one of my virtues. I suppose the first step I should take is to start acting more submissive and try to slide more power his way. I don't know what I'm doing. Don't listen to me lol.
ReplyDeleteDD is not for everyone, and many men just don't feel right about being forced into being HoH. I agree with Renee. This will take time. Focus on spanking in the bedroom, show him how much you enjoy it (I'm assuming you do) then see if things move forward gradually.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione
Thanks Hermione. I just hate waiting so much. I feel like I'm going to explode. Sigh...
DeleteRenee and Hermione are right. Dd will be terribly messy unless both of you are in agreement about it. As much as you know it will help you (and it probably would), it can only work if you are both in.
ReplyDeleteBe patient, enjoy what you are doing in the bedroom and if I have any shred of advice, it would be to work hard on yourself. Begin making the changes you know you need to make. While spanking can be terribly motivating, all change still comes from you. Get to work on time. You'll begin to feel better about yourself and more confident. Who knows what signals that will send to him.
Thank you Susie. You are right. I know you're right.
DeleteOh no that's terrible! I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I know how you feel. When I feel like my husband is slipping on his part I start to panic. I wish I had something insightful to say but I just don't. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was heartbreaking, but I'm okay now.
DeleteBtw, what is your name? Do you have a blog? Your comments come up as TIHS&D so I'm not sure what to call you. lol...