He said no. Again. My heart is crushed into a million pieces and I want to cry. He says our relationship is a partnership and he doesn't feel comfortable punishing me. He said no. Again and again and again. My heart is broken. I can't begin to describe how I feel. Embarrassed. Shameful. Sad. Hurt. Afraid. Discarded. Alone. Rejected. I can't stop the tears.
What's worse? I knew he would say no. I knew he wouldn't agree to it. It doesn't matter what I want. He doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He is not dominant. He doesn't want to be HoH. I'm a strong woman, and I come from a long line of strong women. But I can't be strong in everything. I feel like I'm failing and I'm begging for his help and he said no. He thinks there are other ways to hold each other accountable. I don't want to do it that way anymore. It hasn't worked for the past 10 years, so what makes him think it will work now? I asked him to be at least willing to experiment. He said no. He's okay with experimenting in a sexual way, but not when it comes to other aspects of our life.
Oh my heart hurts so much. He and the boy are done showering so I have to go now. I'll try to write more later when maybe the sting of rejection is faded a bit.