Tuesday, August 14, 2012

New Rules?

 Last week, Hubby and I discussed a different approach to discipline, since he likes to think of it as consequences. He wanted me to come up with rules and my own consequences for breaking them. I spent some time last night deep in thought and wrote him this letter:

Places where I need "encouragement" to better myself and our lives:
  1. Time management: Obviously I lose track of time constantly, especially when I am craft shopping or on the computer. Boundaries and limits would be good here.
  2. Chores: Well...what can I say. A daily chore list would be helpful.
  3. Meal planning: I've had every intention in the world of getting around to making weekly shopping lists so we can stay on a budget and quit eating out. This is my fault and I accept full responsibility. I need a set time to sit undisturbed to plan for the week until I am done. I also need a set shopping day/time. No excuses, no distractions.
  4. Sleep: I think staying with a strict bedtime would be good for both of us. What we do after we get to bed is another story. But no more tv/computer/phones after that time. No phones in bed.
  5. Child management: The kids need boundaries and limits as well. I am at least 50% responsible for their care. Helping them get organized for the following day, making sure they are fed, bathed, and in bed by 7:30 should be a goal for both of us. But I need to step up and not make you work so hard.
  6. Weight management: I don't stay on a plan because I'm not even sure I care. I need you to push me to make the right decisions. I need boundaries. I need to be expected to follow through and quit playing around with my health and yours. You follow what I set in place for our diet plan. But I don't stick to it, so neither do you. If I'm expected to stick to it, and I fail, then I fail us both. It's vitally important for us to get this under control. I am counting on you to ensure we don't.
  7. Submitting to you: I know you hate that word. It makes me cringe too. But here's the rub; we don't get anything done unless one of us is the leader and the other the follower. I need you to be the leader of our household. I need to be a good example to our daughter, and you to your son. Just because I submit to you does not mean that I am at your whim. It means that when there is a decision to be made, we discuss it, but you have the final say. It means that I follow your lead. It means that we work together in all things. It means that you cherish me and want what's best for me, for our marriage, and for our children. It means that you are the leader of our family in all ways, especially spiritually. And it means that I help you. It's still a partnership. We still hold each other accountable. We are still a team. I will do my part.
With rules come consequences. Not all of them can be as easy as losing at-home computer and/or phone privileges. Sometimes, especially when I know you are disappointed in me, I beat myself up verbally. I call myself names, I berate and belittle myself, and I fall into a hole where I build up a knot inside full of anger. I need you to help me prevent that. As to how...well I'm sure we will figure something out. All I know is that I need you to be strong. I need you to help guide me to become the wife and mother I know I can be. And those decisions will not always be easy, but if made in love, we can correct the issues together.
I hope this makes sense to you. Just know that I love you dearly. I want this for us. We can make this work. I believe in it. Trust me.

I love you.

He has read it, but not responded. He says he needs some time to digest it. I'm okay with that. Notice that nowhere in the letter did I mention spanking or any kind of physical discipline. I just asked for his help. If we do what I suggested, it would mean huge changes in our relationship. I've been trying to prove to him that I can be submissive and still be my same old playful self.

I'll let you know what his response is.

In the meantime, I've been having him rub my bare bottom at night while I talk to him about the day, especially anything emotional. Last night he was so helpful with his suggestions about dealing with the kids. He said that instead of getting emotional, I needed to see myself more as the referee. You don't see the ref having a hissy fit while trying to settle a dispute between 2 rivals. So I shouldn't get all wound up either. Good advice Hubby! The rubbing is really helping me. It puts me in a submissive mood and more willing to accept whatever he wants to tell me. I like it a lot.


  1. I could have SO written your last paragraph. I totally agree about the more submissive mood. I am also much more receptive to what Captain says...where as if I had been upright, I might have waved his comment off as trite or not understanding the real situation.


    1. If you would've told me a couple months ago about this approach I would've said you were nuts. But there is no denying that this particular position changes everything.