A Bee in My Bonnet & This Means War

I am in a mood of sorts as of late. Call it a cranky mood. Call it a I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mood. Whatever...

So we don't watch the news in our home. We detest it. It's nothing but murder and weather and I can get the weather on my iPhone thank-you-very-much. Don't be surprised by my lack of knowledge of current events. So apparently there is this thing going on in the Middle East...who knew? Seriously, isn't there always something going on there? Well, now my 5 year old daughter knows too. How does she know, you ask?

There is a little boy in our neighborhood. He's about 8 and he plays with my son, who's 7, and my daughter. They race around the neighborhood on each other's scooters and bikes and what have you. It's a quiet place with very nice neighbors all around. But the boy's grandmother is something else. She's, shall we say...umm.... charismatic. She once told me that she watches the news and scours the internet for signs, like earthquakes, that will point to the coming of Christ and that she's in a group that concentrates on the information and shares it. Yeah...ummm... We are Christian. We believe that Jesus died for us. We fellowship with other Christians. We share our faith. We love. But we DON'T scare and alienate other people with our beliefs. This woman told my daughter there was going to be a big war. She's 5! She doesn't need to know what's going on outside her little world. Right now, she needs to concentrate on being 5, going to school, making friends, not being bossy to everyone, and just be a little girl. She does not need to have her innocence shattered and to have nightmares because of an old woman that can't keep her damn mouth shut. Okay...maybe I am a little more pissed about this that I thought. Deep breath...

So in my not-watching-the-news life, I still come across the news on the radio. None of it is very bad stuff. It's all pretty much the stuff they should show on the real news and keep the sensationalism out. Apparently Hostess, makers of high caloric but very yummy snacks, are going bankrupt. While I am glad the temptation will be removed from my sight, I will dearly miss my Suzie Q's, even thought I wouldn't be able to eat them until next year. No more for me! I am so sad.

I got up this morning to see my kids watching the news. Goofy children! News is not for kids. News is for people who like reality TV shows. No offense... I'm just not a fan of any reality show that promotes hostility, encourages promiscuity, or chooses to reveal the worst in people for ratings and the almighty dollar. I say a big NO to shows like Survivor, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and America's Next Top Model, as well as shows that revolve around idiots like the Kardashian's. Ugh...

I really need to get laid. And spanked apparently.

(((hugs)))

No Comment

HOLY COW!!! Where the heck have I been??? Well, let me tell you...I have gone completely insane lately.

First of all, I have been reading y'all's posts...well, until the past week. I found that while I loved the writing, I just had nothing intelligent to write back, so I didn't comment. That lead to some introspection about why I was feeling too inadequate to comment, which lead to me saying "screw it", and some of you emailing me to ask if everything was okay. Yes, everything is okay. I've just been inadequate and very busy.

I decided to go to school to become a nail tech. WHAT?!?!?! But you already have your own successful business and a fabulous Hubby and two beautiful little people... Aren't you too busy to go to school right now?

Yes. Yes I am. But, I'm doing it anyway. Without a creative outlet, I have a hard time coping with the rest of my life. Weird, huh? I'm a much happier person when I'm doing something crafty/girly/beady/knitty/etc-y. And you know what? I'm having fun. I'm meeting some wonderful people and I'm having a great time learning how to put on tips and do acrylics and gels, as well as all the steps to manis and pedis. Best of all, it's taking my mind off crappy things that are happening.

Crappy stuff happens to you too? Huh... I guess we can't be immune to it. I tell you what though...Ignorance is bliss. I'm much happier not knowing things. If the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I have no desire to know. I don't watch the news. I don't read the paper. My employees tell me stuff sometimes. Really, I'm good not knowing.

Back to other things...Why am I going to school? Because I want to be able to volunteer my time at nursing homes/care facilities and do manis on old ladies and talk with them about the good ol' days. I have a soft spot for them.

And what is happening with DD? Nothing. We are just kind of back to normal. Almost like it was a phase. Don't get me wrong, some things have changed a lot. Hubby is still HoH. But my submissive nature mixed with his kindheartedness means that there is no 2nd D. There's just the first one mixed with some erotic spanking on occasion (if I ever get off my stupid period! I swear that ever since I got this IUD, I've been spotting or ragging the entire time. It's been almost 2 months!). That's what makes this ttwd I guess. I'm done trying to change him. He will change when he thinks it's time to and no sooner. He is in charge after all.

It is time to put my babies to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. I promise I will try to comment on your posts, even if it is just to give you ((hugs)).

What's the Word I'm Looking For??

I got a comment last night on my last post and I just have to share it with everyone. It comes out of the blue with a really good question that not only made me laugh, but made me really think. Check it out...

Maybe you guys can help me? I'm trying to find the right word for something. You know when you want sex, you say "I'm Horny." There's no denying what it means, no confusing it with any other desire. Being 'horny' means only one thing. Well there needs to be a word for when you just need a spanking!! I don't care if it's made up or an actual word. But there must be something that says, "I NEED a spanking! I'm feeling rambunctious and naughty and tumultuous and insecure and stressed out and there's only one thing I need and want that will calm me down! PUT ME OVER YOUR KNEE!" My husband and I have been trying to think of a word. The only thing I can come up with that's close is "Spanksual" (Spank-Shoo-ul). But it's not quite right. It's more like for use as in "Just looking at the collection of implements gets me thinking Spanksual thoughts." It's not quite how to describe the 'Horny' Need/Wanton Desire for the only thing that will satisfy it. Any ideas??
-Ses Q. Padalian

Yep. That's what I thought. Why isn't there a word for that? I read this to Hubby and he was quiet for a moment. I thought maybe he was into his book or something, but he was formulating the perfect word...

Posterical

LMAO! Hubby is a funny guy. Leave it to him to come up with something so...so...goofy. It just may stick though. Well...unless you have a better idea? Come on friends and lurkers! Give it your best shot!

What word would you make up for this?

A Good BAD Girl

I loves me some good girl spankins! I got one this morning so we could try out the new implements. Boy oh boy oh boy do they sting! Let me introduce you to them...

Meet my 5 fingered friend. It's leather and quite stingy. It's quite a bit wider than I thought, but that's okay. Since it's stiff still, the very ends make the most contact and it hurts like the dickens. Once it softens, I'm sure it will spread the sting more evenly. I look forward to that. I'm a big leather fan! It's very quiet compared to the leather paddle I have.

And then there is the EVIL wooden holey paddle. This little monster is probably going to replace the hairbrush for corrective actions. Hubby just barely let the paddle fall on my behind and it stung and made me jump. I'm sure he will want to play with it some more to see how much I can take. I like some wooden implement play, but this one is going to take some getting used to! It's much quieter than the hairbrush.

Of course I had to try out a cane. I must say that I'm not too thrilled with it. It doesn't sting so much as hurt like the dickens. I can't put it in the stingy or the thuddy category. It's different than that. I imagine that I could get used to it if we played with it in the right way, but I definitely don't want to use it for a corrective action. It also makes me glad I stayed away from anything like the Loopy Johnny! We will have to be careful with this one... Extremely quiet except for my squeals of fear.

So now you've met my new frienemies (btw I hate that term but I didn't know how else to describe them). We will see who I end up hating/loving. They are all very well made and I think they will last a very long time. Shipping was super fast! Visit Cane-iac for all your spanking needs. I know I will go back again! (No, I'm not a reviewer. I bought everything I got from their store. They don't even know I'm writing this.)

We now have a new problem though. We need a bigger box! It's full of goodies and the newest ones don't quite fit all the way in. I'm thinking a box with a lock on it would be good. Then we could keep it under the bed instead of trying to hide it in the closet. Anyone have any suggestions?

I do have to blame all of this on one lovely lady... Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts is such a great connector. I've gotten to read all kinds of blogs I never would've found and I definitely would not have met my new blogger bloomer friends. Plus, she added me when I was still fresh to this and I got so many readers that I definitely wouldn't have had. I love that you can see all the bloomers by type and it's all color coded and nifty. Definitely speaks to my need for organization. Super big ((((((hugs)))))) for Bonnie, you are one BAD girl! We appreciate you immensely!

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 

I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   

You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  

Big jerk...

Mick is Back - Just Relocated...

Did you see it? Did you see it????

Mick is back! I could not be more thrilled! He has relocated to Mick and Lynda's Place. I am so relieved. I was hoping he wouldn't be gone forever. There are very few HoH bloggers bloomers out there and us girls appreciate the other side's point of view.

Welcome back Mick! 

A New Look and a CoolAss

So I've gone and done it now! I decided to go with a different look to my blog. It's still dark but hopeful, a turquoise rose in bloom. I only wish it had rounded corners. It feels like it should be rounded.

Not much has been happening here except an emotional apocalypse that I will write about later. It's a lot of me being impatient, selfish, and trying to control things that are not mine to control. You all know what that's like, right? RIGHT????

It's our busy season and orders are coming in droves. I'm not complaining. After all, I got to hire a new employee; a fellow mom who needed work because her husband doesn't get paid enough and times is hard (all you grammarians out there can keep your panties on, I did that on purpose).

I haven't seen any paddles or hairbrushes as of late. All's quiet in my neck of the woods. As a matter of fact, Hubby gave me a most unexpected kiss this morning. He's in a great mood. It could be because I got him a CoolAss. Yes, you read that right! A CoolAss is a cover for a motorcycle seat to keep it cool and dry. It gets awful hot here in Florida and his motorcycle seat gets downright unbearable. So now, we both have cool a$$es; his because of the cover and mine because of the lack of spankings. I really wouldn't mind having mine a little warmer though...

((hugs))

DD Rules for Beginners

Rules for Beginners

I figured this might be helpful for anyone starting out in DD/ttwd. It's a outline of ideas for the basic setup of the rules. Everything is negotiable. Well, until your HoH says it isn't. 

Please remember as you read this; this is my interpretation and how we do ttwd. This is not how everyone does it, nor how everyone should do it. Please take it with a grain of salt. Think of this as a kind of template, if you will. 

Okay. Lets start with the D's. I believe that these are rules without exceptions for the most part. There were 4 D's, kinda like cornerstones, but it has recently been changed by many to add a 5th D as it seems to be pretty prevalent in most visible relationships (one's you can read about on blogs). I've included a basic definition, and example, and my own personal notes for each one. 

Disobedience: lack of obedience or refusal to comply; disregard or transgression. Ex: One of your rules is that you are not to let the gas tank get below 1/4. You looked down at the gas gauge and it's on E. You broke that rule. Personal Note: It's not just about the line between right and wrong, it's also about being aware when you are about to cross that line, regardless of intent. 

Defiance: a daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force. Also, open disregard; contempt. Ex: You decided not to fill up your gas tank even though you know it's at 1/4 and you are supposed to fill it. Personal Note: It's still defiance if you are trying to skirt around the rules. 

Disrespect: lack of respect;  discourtesy; rudeness. Ex: You broke the 1/4 tank rule. But it's a stupid rule anyway. Your HoH asks you about the tank and you say exasperatedly that it's below 1/4 tank but it'll be fine. Personal Note: Attitude is everything. Treat your HoH how you would like him to treat you!

Dishonesty: lack of honesty; a disposition to lie, cheat, or steal. Also, a dishonest act; fraud. Ex: You know the tank went below 1/4 but you quickly fill it up and try to forget that you were supposed to get it done before that. You lie when your HoH asks you about it, or you fail to mention it on purpose. Personal Note: A lie is a lie is a lie! You best own up.

Distancing/communication: cool, aloof, unresponsive, uncommunicative, and unwilling to be vulnerable Ex: You feel guilty that you let the tank go below 1/4. The guilt is making you cranky at your HoH. You decide to keep brooding instead of just talking to him about how you feel. Personal Note: Communication is the key to everything. If you can't talk about it, ttwd is not going to work. Relief comes with talking it out. 

So that covers the 5 D's. They are usually all considered to be Corrective Action worthy.

Building/breaking habits: We all have stuff we need to quit or start doing. DD can be a great tool when your HoH keeps you accountable. Ex: Remembering to remove trash from the car everyday, making sure to work out 3 times/week, starting but not completing a project or chore,  etc. Recommendations: First offense: Verbal Warning. Second offense: Reminder. Third offense: Corrective Action/Reset.


Discipline

Reminder: Minor infractions Not as drastic as a Corrective Action, Reminders are for minor offenses, habitual offenses, or the next step after a Verbal Warning. 

Corrective Action: Major infraction. Ex: Breaking any of the 5 D's, breaking a rule, third offenses on habits, or it could be something like cheating on your diet. 

Creative Discipline: This method could account for or could be combined with another punishment. This category could include removal of privileges, corner or room time, performing chores or duties, etc. 


Tips: 

• Any physical discipline needs some talking/holding/loving time afterwards. Lecturing while disciplining is fine, but you may need to ask your HoH for a refresher after because listening isn't at it's best during. Some alone time after is also suggested, but only if your HoH believes you need time to think about what you've done and what you will do to change it in the future. Or it may be that directly afterwards you are to complete a task. It's up to your HoH. He is, after all, the HoH.

• When you do make up new rules, you have to decide whether the new rule is about a habit you need help with or a general rule. Ex: Going to the gym 3 days/week vs the use of profanity. You could put it through the 5 D's test. If it falls under one of the D's, then it is a corrective action rule. If it doesn't, then maybe it's a general rule or a habit rule that requires preventative measures before corrective action is taken.

• You can amend rules and other things as you see fit. It's all a matter of figuring out what works best for you. 

• I was going to add a tip here about consistency, but decided instead to post a link that I believe says it all very well. Holding 49 Percent's very timely post called The Thing About Consistency is absolutely spot on. Consistency doesn't lie solely on your HoH's shoulders. 

I hope this has been helpful for you! Remember, it's just to give you an idea of the basics. If you have anything to add that you might think is helpful for Newbies, please let me know so I can add it. 

(((hugs)))

Trust and Date Night Funnies

Yesterday was pretty crazy day. I had to clean out my car (under the seat where the kids sit) before I even got my day started. That was very VERY icky. Then we needed to meet for a workout session. I was five minutes late. Ugh...

After all that, it was time to go see my therapist. She's a pretty great woman. She's very smart. I don't think that I could've gotten through the past six months without her. But I also discovered something else. I could not have gotten through the past six months without Hubby willing to take on ttwd.

Ttwd has forced me to learn how to trust. It's not that I didn't trust Hubby. It's just that I didn't trust him deeply and completely. The amount of trust that it takes to submit myself, my bare bottom, to Hubby and his will is more that I ever thought I had in me. Even he was amazed at the level of trust I had for him.

It really is a testament to submission. If I can trust Hubby with my submissive heart fully, then I can trust him fully when crap hits the fan. When things go badly and I am in crisis, I know he is there for me. I know he will hold my hand through it. I know he will not abandon me. And I know he will always look out for what's best for me. I would not have known this had I not submitted to him to begin with.

My therapist, while she does not know about ttwd, she has noted marked improvement in my ability to cope with situations that involve a high level of stress. I've become a new woman. I may still be unfolding, but I am making progress. I believe that is what ttwd is all about. It's about being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, and being able to be strong when life throws you a curve ball.

I paid for being late along with letting the gas tank get below 1/4. I was given another discounted spanking, although Hubby didn't see it that way. He's going at his own pace. He's not comfortable with the disciplinary aspect of ttwd. I'm sure he'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'm left with mixed feelings about it.

He instructed me to pack a couple things. Gramom had the kids for the night and we weren't just going to stay at home. We were going to stay at a hotel on the beach! We had dinner and drinks. And then walked to a bar and had more drinks (If you are ever in Daytona Beach near the Bandshell, stop by the Mai Tai bar and ask for a Lava Flow with a Kraken float. You totally will not be disappointed).

I took notes throughout the night of things you could've heard as we talked (somewhat loudly at times) had you been eaves dropping.

Things said last night:

You know me, I like getting spanked.

So you want a holey paddle?

I can almost feel the embarrassment right now.

That Captain's word is law

Vows made in the storm are forgotten in calm water

Well that threat wiped the smile off your face!

-Poor Lillie had to do sit-ups for eating jelly beans.
-I like the way Ian thinks!

You ate Nemo's dad!

I need a momay (playing off of edemame)

Release the Kraken!!! (Actually said by both of us several times)

Aaaaaahhhhhgggggrrrrrrhhhhh!!! Bobcat Goldthwait circa 1992!

-What?! That's a big swirly mess??
-No. I said it was a big swing and a miss.

Polish manicure: you paint your nails and scrape the ends off. We could sell that sh*t! (Hubby is half Polish and quite funny)

There was so much more but alas, my phone ran out of juice and I didn't have my purse on me. We had a bit to drink. We both had a really good time. By the level of hangover this morning, I would say he more than me. Lol!

Hope your day is wonderful! ((hugs))

Discount Spanking

I have always gotten off easy. Until now, all my spankings have been for the purposes of erotica/stress relief. We had a couple of trial "reminder" spankings that consisted of 3-4 swats each side and it was painful, but that's been it. It was then decided that this whole thing was a bit confusing. Both of us needed more definition regarding rules and guidelines. I outlined what I thought followed the general principles of ttwd (emphasis on "we"). It's more of a list of categories. I'm not posting it here, but you can leave your email in a comment or email me and I will send you what I wrote out.  Hubby was pretty happy with it and we agreed that it will work for us.

I had broken major rule on Friday. I lied about something. I'm not sure why I did it, but this has become a disturbing trend for me. Hubby found out about the lie yesterday. Nothing was said until I sent him the new rule setup and explained to him that I knew I had broken a big rule, so I suggested that if he wanted to, he could take care of the infraction later. But there was a problem. I had received some news about my brother that set me off in a panic. I ended up at my therapist's for an emergency session. Some things I can deal with. This was bad enough that it wrecked my world. Let's just say he's gonna need a really good lawyer.

Hubby didn't worry about taking care of the infraction, even though I offered myself. He said that he just wanted to hold me. Seriously I can hear y'all "Awwww!"-ing from here. Lol.

One of my rules is that I am to be ready to leave the house by 8 am. Whether we are meeting to work out together or I just have to go to work, I am to be wherever I'm supposed to be at a decent time. On days we don't work out, I have to be to work by 8:30.

This morning I didn't even get into the shower until 8. He came in and warned me that I was already getting spanked, how much was dependent on how late I was to work. Well, I was 5 minutes late. Add to that the infraction from Friday, and I was in deep doodoo.

But since this was my first technical punishment spanking corrective action, I was given a discounted spanking, as he called it. I would receive 60% off the morning lateness, but add in 20% for the extra 5 minutes I was late. Then I got 80% off the big infraction. In total, that's 5 swats each side. That 67% off the original total. Am I lucky or what?!?!

He knows he was easy on me. He said not to expect discounts every spanking. I think because this was the first official corrective action, he was reluctant. He doesn't want to punish me. He doesn't like doing it. But from what I've heard, it won't be long before he is punishing with gusto. I have read it several places that once he sees what it does for me, for us, and for our family, that he will be less reserved.

Is this your experience?

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?

Chocolate Wax, Beauty, and Submission

I was sitting in front of my mirror preparing to do one of the most painful things I can do to myself...waxing. You see, I suffer from a bit of hirsutism, at least on half of my face (an unfortunate side affect of viral encephalitis - chicke pox gone horribly awry - and PCOS. Every 2 weeks I wax my brows and half mustache, and every 6 months I wax my whole face, half-beard and all. Today was a wax everything day. Ouch!

My wax smells like chocolate. Needless to say, I don't eat a lot of chocolate. I guess if it smelled like coca-cola, I may be deterred to ever drink the stuff again. But I wax to rid myself of unwanted hair. It hurts, but I do it in the name of beauty. Of course, this thought started a whole set of theories about beautification. We women do a lot of painful things in the name of beauty. Waxing, plucking, lifts, tucks...all so we can feel beautiful.

Exercise is a good example. We push ourselves to the breaking point to gain endurance, tear our muscles to rebuild them, "feel the burn" and the pain to grow stronger, to be beautiful. And we put ourselves through this daily, willingly. We submit to our need for something better.

This is the same with ttwd. What's the point of ttwd? So we can be beautiful for our husband's to behold? So we can be proud of the women we are? Whatever your reason, think about what this really is. What's more beautiful than stripping away the hardness, the distancing, the anger, and defiance to reveal the soft, pliable, submissive, and inwardly beautiful woman that we all are inside? What gets us there is the pain. It's emotional battle with ourselves to turn away from our upbringing and the peer pressure that we call television. Where is the reality show that shows us how we should behave as a woman, a wife, and a mother? Morality doesn't sell, but I digress...

Ttwd is about the emotional pain of being open - laid bare, without walls, without the barriers that keep us apart. Ttwd is about the physical pain of being punished to help us turn away from the things that keep us apart. Ttwd is about the pain of submission. The need to be right, be strong, be able to stand on our own, stands in our way of submitting fully. Those things keep us from true beauty. To submit, you must let go, and that can be quite painful. But it's beautiful in the end, and you can't get any closer than that.

And with that, I just want to say that Hubby will be home in 13 hours. YAY!!!! I look forward to reconnecting and getting back to ttwd. I'm off to get ready to rehearse for church. (((hugs)))

A Drunk by Morning, the Tooth Fairy by Night

Yeah! You read that right! I was DRUNK this morning. Be forewarned: This part of the post contains TMI material. It's girlie issues, so read at your own risk.

About 5 weeks ago, I went to see my OB/GYN to get an IUD placed. The IUD is not for birth control. I have fertility issues that prevent pregnancy. It's to help control heavy menstrual bleeding. My period lasts 7 days and the first 3 I can hardly leave the house. The IUD should vastly lessen my period within 6 months. Yay!

So I went to get the IUD placed the first time and they couldn't get it in. My body should really be for the record books for the amount of things that should work but don't and vice versa. They even tried moving me to the ultrasound room so they could look inside as they were inserting it. It was an absolutely painful no-go. That is one of the worst pains ever (comparable to the time I got a cortisone shot in my ear drum). I was screaming to the point that the doctor finally stopped, I think so I wouldn't scare his other patients.

It took 5 weeks to get another appointment. We had joked after the first attempts failed that it would be better if I had pain relief, or maybe even was drunk. Well, it so turned out that Hubby is far, far away and can't help me with the kids, so I couldn't take any meds because they would knock me out for the whole day (Valium and Xanax don't work on me anyway, so I would have to take Lorazepam). My only other option was to get drunk and I would be fine in a couple hours. I asked the nurse about it and she said it would be fine as long as someone else was driving. Well duh! I may be disobedient at times, but I'm not an idiot.

This morning I showed up to work with a fifth of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) in hand and sat down with the crew while I drank. One of my employees was nice enough to take me to my appointment. It seemed so wrong to be drunk when it was still daylight. I usually reserve that sort of behavior for after the kids go to bed. I got in to my appointment and while it still hurt like the dickens, it's in and all is well. Apparently I have a wicked 90° angle they had to maneuver.

Confession: I decided to drink an iced grande salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) and a coke after all was done. My reasoning was 2 fold; 1, I haven't had caffeine in several days, so it would help keep me awake after I came down from my drunken bliss. I couldn't afford to fall asleep at work. And 2, I'm not having any tomorrow and I'm not picking up the habit addiction again. It's not like I'm going to ever have need to drink that early in the day again and not have help with the kids. Yes, I've told Hubby about it already. He's okay with it, although he thinks I could've found other means to stay awake. I'm not sure what other means he means, but pinching myself or trying to stand up and type wouldn't have worked. I would have just driven home and napped and gotten absolutely nothing done and our employees wouldn't get paid and they would be mad at me. I stand by my decision. That's all I have to say about that...

The day went by fast and I had to get the kids and go back to work. Then we got a pizza and went home to do homework. After all the kiddos got to video-chat with Daddy, they played in their rooms while I had my chat. A blood curdling scream came out of the bedroom. The boy had helped the girl do a flip on his bed and she landed face first into the wooden bed rail. Her eye blackened almost immediately. I applied arnicare to it, so hopefully that will help. The boy has had his 2 front top teeth loose for a very long time. Unlike his sister, he refused to fuss with them at all. But they have a habit of coming out on their own eventually. Today he was showing everyone how far back it would go. I offered to take it out for him (something Hubby would never do because it grosses him out) and he finally acquiesced. It took just a couple firm pulls and it was out. Tonight, I am the Tooth Fairy!

                                        

The kicker in all this? It's picture day tomorrow. Yep...My kiddos, one with a black eye and the other with a missing tooth, are getting their school pictures done tomorrow. Doesn't it figure? We're going for the backwoods redneck look this year. Oh boy...

(((hugs)))

So Fresh and So Clean Clean

A huge, monstrous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happy and free and able to do what I need to get done. Whatever did you do LM??? Well....

I hired some cleaning people to come help me unmess my house. It was fantastic what they were able to accomplish in 2 short hours. Plus I had a friend come over too and she took care of the kids' rooms. The house looks amazing and I feel amazing and it's all wonderful again. I can breathe!!! Granted, there are a few messes to get through. But guess what??? I don't feel overwhelmed by them. I can clean up and it's not a big deal. I feel like I can relax until Hubby gets home instead of stressing over all the mess that's so overwhelming I don't even know where to get started.

Of course I helped the cleaning people. I didn't make everyone work while I sat with my feet up. I was energized by all the help. I started with the dining room and my bedroom. I didn't know we had a floor! Lol!

Even Hubby noticed how happy I was. I was dancing in my chair while video-chatting with him. Yes, he's still in a land far far away. He will be back around 1:30 AM Sunday. I will be awake I think. I don't think I can sleep. I'm so excited he will finally be coming home. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss him.

I have planned Monday morning, after the kids have been taken to school, as the time we will spend reconnecting. With everything so busy and out of control, it's nice to know we can at least spend a few hours with each other, without interruption.

I know...this is a totally non-DD post. I went all vanilla on ya. You love me anyway.... (((hugs)))

2,367 Miles

On Saturday, I asked Hubby if he had read my posts. I was pretty worried when he texted back that he read it and he was going to lunch. So I waited... We were just about to leave for the office when he finally texted back.

I've been contemplating how to reply about your blog post and... I'm not sure whether I feel upset, disappointed, or sad about the choices you've made this week.  I can remind you, ask you, and if want even yell at you like a drill instructor, but I can't "make" you do anything... 

You need to stop saying the house is a mess and pick something up... Stop saying you're going to head to work and just go... and stop drinking caffeine!!!!  If I know you, your chest hurts right now and you want to go into your room, close the door and cry... But that is NOT going to happen.  You are going to get dressed, take the kids to the park so they can run around, and on your new iPhone5 text me a list of all the reasons why you love being a mom and wife.  
I expect that text no later than 4pm and will ask the kids if they went to the park today...  

I don't care about any cards you need to run, or errands...the consequence for noncompliance will be the repossession of your phone when I get home.  I'm not kidding... I'll get a standard cell phone that only makes calls and eat the data plan for the foreseeable future.   

You want me to help you get on track... roger that  

Just know that I love you unconditionally...

I know. I'm going now. It's so hard not to cry. 

I know lover... But you can do this ... 

I thought long and hard about what he asked of me. It's not fear of losing my phone. It's knowing that he is so upset that he would "eat" the cost of the data plan in order to enforce his point. I'm sure that if he were anywhere near home, I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week. I can't really guarantee that he won't do that when he gets home. He did go pretty easy on me considering.
I texted him back at 3:39.

Why I love being a mom: 

Pride. All of my reasons boil down to that one word. They have amazing thoughts and do incredible things. They make me laugh and make me cry. They are so smart. And they are mine.  

Why I love being a wife:
I'm not alone and I'm not lonely when I'm with you. We make the perfect team. You make me laugh. You hold me and love me and I'm not as afraid anymore. I love to please you. I love to see you smile and love being the reason that you do.  

I'm not good at this. My reasons are probably all wrong. I'm not sure of the purpose of this exercise. My love for you and the kids is why I feel like such a failure.  

Thank you...
Now please text me a pic of the kids at the park ... (I did as he asked) 

Excellent... Now make that picture the wall paper on your phone 

Done.  

Thank you... 

They look happy!  The seem glad to be outside and they are grateful you brought the to the park ....  

Yes 

The "point" of the request is simple...for you to do what I asked of you.  

Alright. I understand.  

Good... :) 

I didn't know I could be taken in hand from 2,367 miles away. A later request from him had us going to see Finding Nemo 3D. It is the same as the movie we already have, only very 3D-ier. The detail was amazing. It was a late night and the kids went down pretty easy when we got home. I did too come to think of it.

Hubby requested that we go to church. I typically don't go without him unless I'm singing, so this was a challenge in itself. We were there on time. I was uncomfortable. It's not that I don't know anyone, just that I feel incomplete without him.

After church, we did a little shopping, got some stuff for the kittens, and some groceries. It was a pretty relaxing day. I'm hoping to get the house picked up by Saturday. I would like for the kids to have fun that day since the rest of the week will be spent trying to reclaim our living space.

I really can't wait for Hubby to get home. I don't care if the first thing he does is correct me for my transgressions or make passionate love to me or even pass out because it's too darn late to do anything and we will deal with it all the next day. I just want him home. 2 weeks is too long. :(

(((hugs)))

The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.

Confessions:

I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...

(((hugs)))

The Crossroads and the Plate

I saw my therapist today. We discussed all kinds of things like my assessment results from taking several online tests I took, like StregthFinders 2.0. We also discussed how I'm not a mind reader, even though I still beg to differ that my MIL's thoughts can be easily read through her body language. She doesn't hide it well at all. We also talked about how I am at a crossroads with everything in my life. What???

The Crossroads:

My therapy - We've dealt with so much already. It's time to take steps, but in which direction? Why can't someone just tell me what to do? She thinks I should go back to school. I told her how much I hate school. It's difficult for me because I'm a kinesthetic learner. That presents many challenges for me in traditional education. So what to do? I dunno...

My business - What I should be when I grow up, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment is what I already am, but changes need to be made. I am a projects kinds of girl. I start them and I can finish them as long as they don't go on too long. If they require any length of time, I get bored and set it aside with promises that I will get back to it, only to never pick it up again. It's not that I'm lying when I promise. I have every intention of finishing it. But the monotony of owning my own business, all the daily tasks, it's a never ending project that bores the crap out of me. It's monotonous and boooooooring and I hate it. But there are several challenges to it that I like. And then there is the fact that I have been flaky and forgetful. I hate flaky people. How did I become one?

My marriage - I made a change in my marriage. I decided to take a long hard look at myself and institute changes. I don't want to be a bitch to Hubby. I don't want to ignore his needs anymore. Sometimes he wants me to do things and gets frustrated with me for not getting to them. I completely understand that. If I were him, I would be frustrated too. Of course if I were him, I would've had me bent over the bed a long time ago...

My children - The kids... Don't get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my pride and joy. They are amazing, smart, fun little people. But I'm not good at parenting them. They are a project that has gotten excruciatingly out of hand. They drive me absolutely crazy. I love to snuggle and love and kiss and huggle with them. I love to share songs and watch them put on plays for me. I love to teach them little things like how bubbles in soda make a straw float to the top of the glass. But I'm not so good with the big picture.

My home - It's a mess. An ever-lovin' disaster! Stuff is everywhere. I'm a clutter bug. The worst part is that I can clean an area until it sparkles and be very good about putting things back and keeping that area clean and somehow, someway the clutter finds it and invades it. I turn my back and my dresser is covered in clothes that should be put away. I leave the bathroom for 5 minutes and everything ends up back on the counters. It's amazing how it happens. And I gave up. I stopped trying a long time ago.

My finances - As Hubby will attest to, I am a wreck. I have some bills that have been following me all year. I avoid the mailbox like the plague because I know what's in there...another bill. I don't answer my phone if I don't know the number because it's that doctors office again... When I don't have money, I avoid the bills. Thing is, when I do have money, I still avoid them because I don't want to deal with them. Bills aren't new projects. They are old projects that won't quit bugging me.

My therapist suggested that maybe we should work on ways to make old "projects", be it bills, cleaning, or kids, have a new and creative edge to them so I feel challenged instead of bogged down. Any suggestions?

The Plate:

I used this analogy with a friend of mine and she thought it was pretty good; If I were standing holding with a plate full of mexican jumping beans at shoulder level, that would be a pretty good representation of my life right now. Every employee request, note home from school, bill in the mail, or toy on the floor is just another bean added to my plate. It's annoying and irritating and frustrating and stressful. I am overwhelmed.

My therapist said that all the feelings I'm having right now are because I am at these crossroads and I'm building up the energy to make a change. What I perceive as this feeling of annoyance and irritation and frustration is really just the energy building. The stress of these feelings is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I don't like it, but it's been a long, a long time coming, and I know a change gonna come...

TTWD: Quarterly Inventory Report

Well, it all started with Stormy's post, then Kate chimed in, and then Lillie did it too, so now I have to also. It just makes sense to take a ttwd inventory so I can remember all the changes.

It's the start of Q4 and my blog turned 2 months old on September 6th. The past 2 months have been a red-bottomed, emotionally-charged, life-altering roller coaster. I've gone from what I thought I wanted, to wanting what everyone else had, to learning about my needs, to this thing we didn't do and then did do sort of, to this thing that WE do. It's a work in progress.

The biggest thing that I've learned is that I have a severe lack of patience, as evident by all my whiny posts about not getting my way. Also I am selfish. These are things I will continue to work on. Ttwd is not something that I do alone. Hubby is in it with me 100%. But I spent the first month and a half trying to force it. It doesn't work that way. Hubby has shown great patience and understanding with me. He's started taking the HoH role very seriously. And he is not letting me get away with much anymore.

What has changed?

My attitude towards Hubby

Submissive: It was suggested several times, and great advice by the way, that I change my attitude to be more submissive to Hubby. Instead of expecting him to make me be submissive, I needed to show him that I can be submissive, and moreover that I want to. And I truly want to. I'm not always good at it, but it's a work in progress.

Selfless: I have been entirely too selfish over the years. Sex was always about me and my needs. If I didn't get my big O during our time together, then he "owed" me. I was being childish and selfish. It became difficult for Hubby to want to make love, not because he couldn't, but because I was pushing him all the time about it. Sex happened maybe once a month. I was overbearing and he didn't like it. He wanted a romantic approach. I don't do romance. I just want to f**k. I know, it's total role reversal when it comes to sex. But let me tell you, sex is amazing now. It doesn't matter if I have an orgasm. The intense spanking, Hubby taking me, the passion, the kissing...it's all wonderful and amazing. And sometimes, I just pleasure him and I don't even think about "my turn". I really don't care. I feel free and loved and wanted and cared for, and because of all of that, I am able to give more.

To work on: Honesty, Obedience, Patience

My attitude towards myself

Forgiven: Forgiving myself will always be a struggle, but I can see where I need to and I can work on it and I can feel the difference when I allow myself to go there. I feel like Hubby never held anything against me, even though I held it against myself. He's incredibly forgiving and more than willing to put it behind us, to forget. I drag myself through the ringer a few times and then it sits there in the corner collecting dust, like all my other sins. I will eventually pull them out, dust them off, and beat myself with them as one of my many failures. But no more. I can't change the past. I can only do my best with the future and when I screw up, own up to it, correct it, and move on.

To work on: Procrastination, Motivation, Health

My attitude towards children/work/home

Not much has changed yet. I still let my children run all over me because I'm too lazy to be consistent. I don't get to work on time most of the time. My house is a disaster. I'm hoping for change in the next quarter.

To work on: Consistency, Motivation, Expediency, Organization

So there you have it... What will the next quarter have in store? I don't know but I'm looking forward to it!

How's your inventory looking? (((hugs)))

Icing and All the Good Stuff

Every once in a while something catches my eye and really makes me pause to think. This is one of those things...

I'm sharing this not because it's another one of those stupid things that goes around Facebook and never dies, but because it seems to me that these are all excellent qualities in an HoH. Hubby is not just there to be all HoH-ee. He's also their to protect me and love me and cherish me. He's there to kick someones butt if need be. He's there to call me out when I want to lie, and he does it for my good. He's there to hold me when I want to run away. He's there to whisper pillow talk until I start snoring. He's there to kiss me in the morning before I've brushed my teeth. He's there to swat me to get me moving and let me know he means what he says. He's there to wipe my tears as I let go of my guilt and shame. He's there to be vulnerable with me. He's there to help me. He's there to guide me. He's there to love me with all that he is.

Can you tell I miss him terribly? It's only been 24 hours and it kills me to be apart from him. I can't believe the difference ttwd has made in just a couple short months. I feel so much closer to him, so much more trusting, and so much more submissive. I don't get to see him again until late on the 29th. If yesterday was any indication, it will take FOREVER to get there. Yes, I am pouting.

You see, if this had happened before ttwd, yes I would miss him, but mostly for what he can't do because he's not here. It wasn't until just now, as I'm writing this, that I realized that's who I had become (I spent waaaaay too much time trying to figure out if it's supposed to be who or whom). How did that happen? I've always loved him and I've always been happy, but something in me disconnected. I can't say if it was a failing medicine problem or just a part of the person I had become over the years. I've always needed him, but my reasons have changed dramatically. It's no longer because I don't want to be alone or because I need help with the kids.

I need him. I want to please him and love him and be with him. I want to be the wife he deserves, not the shell of a woman I was. I want to put his needs first. And what's amazing about all this is that it's what I want, not what I feel obligated to do. It's no longer a duty. It's a pleasure. It's not a chore. It's a gift I can give him, not because he demands it, but because that's what is in my heart to do. It makes me happy. And now I can honestly say I have never been happier.

And all that stuff in the picture? That's icing. Sharing our hearts in honesty and vulnerability is where the good stuff comes from.

(((hugs)))

Arnica and the Assopractor

Hubby and I like to see the chiropractor. There is nothing like an adjustment to have you standing taller and feeling looser. So when Hubby said my spanking was going to be more like an adjustment from the chiropractor, I jokingly said that he's my ass-opractor. Well, I think it stuck. He is my adjuster and he is very good at it. Yesterday morning I was singing all the way to work. "I've got sunshiiiiiiine on a cloudy day!" Yep. I was definitely well adjusted.

I was also not bruised or sore in the least bit. Arnicare, the brand of arnica gel available at most drugstores, is a MIRACLE. I could not believe that something so...well...homeopathic...could work so well. I am amazed every time we use it. That's not to say I use it all the time. There are times, especially in the beginning, when I liked to feel the after effects the next day as a reminder that Hubby truly cares about me. But since most of our spankings are adjustments, erotic, and/or motivating, there hasn't been much need in me for that.

Now for a confession. Ugh. Season 3 of The Vampire Diaries came out on Netflix yesterday. We watched the first 2 seasons together, totally sucked (no pun intended) into the 9021ohI'mgonnasuckyourblood of it all. I personally think Ian Somerhalder is quite yummy, even though he's got an almost unibrow thing going on. Goodness gracious, Damon and Elena be a couple already. The sexual tension is killing me!

Okay, back to my confession. So Hubby said he doesn't care if I watch the entire season 3 while he's gone for the next 2 weeks. Oh yeah, did I mention that he'll be gone for the NEXT 2 WEEKS?!?! He's got a business thing he has to do across the country. We are going to miss him terribly. Argh...

What was that? Oh yes... Hubby said I could watch season 3 while he is away, but only 2 episodes a night. He doesn't want me to stay up too late, especially since I am the one who has to get up with the kids and take them to school and go work out and go to work, etc. Well last night I kinda watched 3 episodes. My justification was 3-fold really. 1. Hubby hasn't left yet. 2. Hubby was throwing up last night and went to bed early. 3. Ummm...Well I know I had a third one but I can't remember it.

When he asked about it this morning, I totally told him the truth, along with my justifications, and he bought it. He just laughed. I fell asleep through the third episode. I didn't get to bed until midnight 30. But he's here, so it's okay, right? The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that Hubby let's me off way too easy sometimes. I don't disobey very often and when I do, I'm pretty good at justifying it. But my justifications for last night weren't very good. And I knew I was being disobedient when I did it. After a couple glasses of wine, my justifications sounded good enough to me. I'm literally shaking my head at myself right now.

Which brings me to the "ritual" of our spankings. Lillie had, on her previous blog, wondered if any of us had a ritual that goes along with ttwd. Well I'm not sure if what we have is a ritual or not, but it typically goes something like this: I am laying on the bed, in various states of undress. Hubby rolls me over onto my tummy if I'm not their already. He starts a warm up with his hand. It's usually very light and increases in intensity. He likes to see how far he can push me (and I like it too). He brings out an implement, usually the "motivator" (leather paddle) or the hairbrush or the spoon, or a combination of them. He spanks me on one cheek until I'm squirming and kicking and just about screaming. He massages it and then starts spanking the other cheek until he reaches the desired result. We go a few rounds and then we get very passionate.

Usually after we are done, he'll ask me about the spanking. Was it the right intensity? Was it too long? Too short? Too thudy? Yesterday he told me that he has become a pretty good gauge of the strength he has to use to produce the desired results. His strength on a scale from 1-10, is usually around a 1.5-2. I was in shock when he told me that. I can't imagine what a corrective spanking would feel like. My guess is that it would hurt a lot. I would probably cry. And I would never want to get in trouble again.

I know the days of corrective spankings are coming. It's only a matter of time as we evolve in ttwd (or DM - Domestic Motivation), or so I've heard. Over and over I've read of husbands unwilling to take on HOH and discipline at first, and then after they see the results they are "all in". So I know it's coming. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what we have...our version of ttwd, my Assopractor, and arnica.

(((hugs)))

Hubby the Great and I'm Not Too Shabby Either

It's been great to be able to read everyone's posts and this is my 2nd post since I've been back, but oddly I haven't had much to write about. Something I noticed, not only here but also in therapy and with anyone who's every met or had dealings with Hubby is that is he very well loved. He has endeared himself to many without even trying. He often tells me how lucky he is to have me and I always reply that it is I who is lucky.

I'm not joking when I say that everyone loves him. The only person that didn't like him was the mother of a girlfriend he had in high school, and that was only because he wasn't Pakistani. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can teach someone at their level of understanding. He is smart and sexy and funny and lovable and comfortable and sexy and kissable and huggable and did I mention sexy? He is more than I've ever wanted and I feel so undeserving most of the time.

And everyone loves him. There is so much he can do that comes so easy to him, and if it's not easy, you would never know it. Also, he's stubborn as all get out. He's got psoriasis on his legs and he had scratched one spot that got infected. It was hot, hard, and pussing (eww), and I told him he had to go to the doctor. But did he? No. He said he didn't have time. Instead, he looked up home remedies. Honestly, this shocked the garbage out of me because normally he's not a researcher of medical stuff, nor a home remedy believer. He started applying honey on his wound and covering it with gauze. Wouldn't you know it, the infection is almost gone! Add crazy and lucky to the list.

I, like most women, compare myself to others. I hold impossibly high standards for myself, which I will never meet, and that gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I compare myself to others which can be both good and bad, but mostly it is destructive behavior. I stay far away from full length mirrors and dress very nondescript (tshirts, shorts, and flipflops). I only wear makeup when I sing background vocals at church, otherwise I am sans beautification. I am a heavier set woman (it's very unfortunate that I have to use those words). I need to lose 80 lbs. So to all of you other women, fat happens and all we can do is our best to get rid of it. I have not done my best, but I am formulating a plan. By Hubby's 20 year reunion in June, I want to be 135 and sexy. Besides, sex is soooo much better when you are skinny. I was at my goal in June of 2009 for my 20 year reunion. Then it all fell apart, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and I just stopped caring. I want to care again. I know it will take some "motivation" to get there and I am fully prepared to accept that. It needs to be done. I cannot live like this anymore.By the way, Hubby has been getting very good at motivating me. His hand packs a powerful wallop while he tells me exactly what I am to do. Let's hope I don't slack...

My therapist has been helping me tremendously. She suggested that I attend an OA meeting, not because I overeat (I seriously don't), but because I can form a bond with the women there and work on my spiritual relationship through the 12 step program. I will do it. I know I can't not try. If the answers are right there, why not? She also had me check out a video by Dr. Brown from the University of Houston. It's only 15 minutes long and she's very funny. Is a very powerful message about the price of invulnerability. Through this message, I have gained some insight about myself that I can't wait to talk to my therapist about. If I can nail these things down, I really think that I will be getting somewhere. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be "enough" (check out this other video by Dr. Brown about "wholeheartedness"). I definitely think I'm making some good progress. I may not be super well-liked by everyone like Hubby is, but I'm not too shabby either.


(Yes, I got up before the alarm to write this post. I know...crazy huh?)

Cruisin'

I'm BAAAAaaaack! Did ya miss me??? I sure missed all of you...my "sisters" and friends. I'm so glad to be back. My cruise was a much needed lesson. My world should not revolve around my blog, or everyone else's blogs. I spent more time with Hubby. We had a long and intense "vacation" and let me tell you, arnica is a miracle. We also had what Hubby dubbed as "spanky sprinkles", to which both of us laughed hysterically because you can not say that without sounding utterly effeminate.

The first thing I did was to close my laptop. Without it, I don't blog. And I can't blog from my phone. The second thing I did was to get out of my room. That is where I do most of my blogging, only because my poor MacBook is so old that the battery no longer charges, so where it's plugged in is where it stays, and it's safest in my room. The third thing I did was sleep. Okay, so sleeping is technically in my room, but I was sick. The cold I had turned out to be a whopper. I just got over most of it yesterday.

Hubby and I talked a lot. I realized that even when I think I'm being patient, I'm not really. Hubby called it Dog Years. 1 day to me feels like 3 weeks already, are we there yet?!?!?! I feel like I have no concept of time anymore. I guess when I want something, I want it now and I've been about as patient as I'm going to get. Plus, ever since I started going to therapy, it feels like we picked off an emotional scab and everything is raw underneath. My stress, anger, hurt, guilt...it's all there at the surface. It's all fresh again. And I grapple with it like a child. I ball up my fists and punch my pillow and cry that it's not fair. The only way to the other side is through it. It's hard work. So yeah, patience is not my friend right now.

Last night we discussed my blogging privileges. Hubby has decreed that once a month, and not during that time of the month, I will take a "cruise" for at least 2 days. I am not to blog in the morning unless I get up before the alarm, in which case I can blog until the alarm goes off. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not getting up before 6:30 am to blog. This girl needs her sleep! I may not blog during work hours. I didn't anyway, but this was a point made clear during the discussion. I may blog in the afternoons, as long as I am not spending the entire afternoon doing it. The kids still need to get homework done, dinner needs to be figured out, and there are chores that refuse to do themselves. I am not to live in blogland. I get that. I'm okay with it. I know I can't let it consume me anymore.

But seriously? The day my cruise started, I was emailed this Groupon offer and I couldn't tell you all about it. It's been driving me crazy. So I finally get to share it with you. Are you ready for this?

You know how we see DD references everywhere?

 

 What's worse? I've seen them driving down the street I live off of. I can't help but giggle!

((Hugs)) everyone!