It's been great to be able to read everyone's posts and this is my 2nd post since I've been back, but oddly I haven't had much to write about. Something I noticed, not only here but also in therapy and with anyone who's every met or had dealings with Hubby is that is he very well loved. He has endeared himself to many without even trying. He often tells me how lucky he is to have me and I always reply that it is I who is lucky.
I'm not joking when I say that everyone loves him. The only person that didn't like him was the mother of a girlfriend he had in high school, and that was only because he wasn't Pakistani. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can teach someone at their level of understanding. He is smart and sexy and funny and lovable and comfortable and sexy and kissable and huggable and did I mention sexy? He is more than I've ever wanted and I feel so undeserving most of the time.
And everyone loves him. There is so much he can do that comes so easy to him, and if it's not easy, you would never know it. Also, he's stubborn as all get out. He's got psoriasis on his legs and he had scratched one spot that got infected. It was hot, hard, and pussing (eww), and I told him he had to go to the doctor. But did he? No. He said he didn't have time. Instead, he looked up home remedies. Honestly, this shocked the garbage out of me because normally he's not a researcher of medical stuff, nor a home remedy believer. He started applying honey on his wound and covering it with gauze. Wouldn't you know it, the infection is almost gone! Add crazy and lucky to the list.
I, like most women, compare myself to others. I hold impossibly high standards for myself, which I will never meet, and that gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I compare myself to others which can be both good and bad, but mostly it is destructive behavior. I stay far away from full length mirrors and dress very nondescript (tshirts, shorts, and flipflops). I only wear makeup when I sing background vocals at church, otherwise I am sans beautification. I am a heavier set woman (it's very unfortunate that I have to use those words). I need to lose 80 lbs. So to all of you other women, fat happens and all we can do is our best to get rid of it. I have not done my best, but I am formulating a plan. By Hubby's 20 year reunion in June, I want to be 135 and sexy. Besides, sex is soooo much better when you are skinny. I was at my goal in June of 2009 for my 20 year reunion. Then it all fell apart, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and I just stopped caring. I want to care again. I know it will take some "motivation" to get there and I am fully prepared to accept that. It needs to be done. I cannot live like this anymore.By the way, Hubby has been getting very good at motivating me. His hand packs a powerful wallop while he tells me exactly what I am to do. Let's hope I don't slack...
My therapist has been helping me tremendously. She suggested that I attend an OA meeting, not because I overeat (I seriously don't), but because I can form a bond with the women there and work on my spiritual relationship through the 12 step program. I will do it. I know I can't not try. If the answers are right there, why not? She also had me check out a video by Dr. Brown from the University of Houston. It's only 15 minutes long and she's very funny. Is a very powerful message about the price of invulnerability. Through this message, I have gained some insight about myself that I can't wait to talk to my therapist about. If I can nail these things down, I really think that I will be getting somewhere. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be "enough" (check out this other video by Dr. Brown about "wholeheartedness"). I definitely think I'm making some good progress. I may not be super well-liked by everyone like Hubby is, but I'm not too shabby either.
(Yes, I got up before the alarm to write this post. I know...crazy huh?)