Dear Hubby,I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've wasted your time and mine.
I can't even describe the level of hurt I feel right now. It took every ounce of courage I had to tell you my deepest desires. Then you rejected me. I let it go, and then I was patient with you, and then I was patient some more. We experimented with erotic spanking, and it has been amazing. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's not what I asked you for. More patience. And finally, you agree to try this thing I need so desperately.
This morning you broke my heart again. I asked you what would happen if I broke a rule or didn't complete my chores and you gave me the wrong answer. It was like you rejected me all over again. When you asked what it was that I wanted, I clammed up, shut down, and pretended to go back to sleep. I told you what I wanted again and again. I sent you links. I've done everything I can to communicate with you and you just aren't listening. Gosh, if you would have just read the Letter to the HoH link I sent you, you would have understood completely. What the hell? You make me wonder why I even bother talking to you.
The only reason I am writing this here is because I know you won't read it. I'm sorry, but if you had a blog that talked about your innermost feelings I would read it again and again and again just to feel as close to you as possible. So I'm left with feeling like you don't care, that you aren't interested in my needs, and my heart is breaking. I'm in shutdown mode and I don't want to talk to you anymore about it. You aren't listening anyway. And I can't take another refusal from you.
So if I'm quiet the rest of the day, you'll just have to put up with it. I'm angry and hurt and frustrated and tired and I just want to give up on even trying this thing. You don't want it and I can't make you. Just forget I even asked and we will move on.
I love you with all of my heart and always will. I just wish I had never even brought it up. Now I can add embarrassment to my list. Please just ignore the last few months. I'm going to try to put it behind me.
****UPDATE: Please see my latest post. Thank you.