Monday, September 3, 2012

More Heartache and a Letter to Hubby

I think ttwd is ttwdd (don't do). I think that whatever it is that I desired so badly isn't going to happen after all. I asked Hubby this morning what were the consequences of breaking rules or not getting things done. I had this feeling that it wasn't what I had asked for and when he confirmed it, I shut down. I can still feel this whirling storm of hurt from my heart to my toes. I am so disappointed and can hardly breathe. So I decided to write a letter to Hubby here, because he's not going to read it anyway. Please understand that most of this is out of frustration and anger.

Dear Hubby,

I can't even describe the level of hurt I feel right now. It took every ounce of courage I had to tell you my deepest desires. Then you rejected me. I let it go, and then I was patient with you, and then I was patient some more. We experimented with erotic spanking, and it has been amazing. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's not what I asked you for. More patience. And finally, you agree to try this thing I need so desperately.

This morning you broke my heart again. I asked you what would happen if I broke a rule or didn't complete my chores and you gave me the wrong answer. It was like you rejected me all over again. When you asked what it was that I wanted, I clammed up, shut down, and pretended to go back to sleep. I told you what I wanted again and again. I sent you links. I've done everything I can to communicate with you and you just aren't listening. Gosh, if you would have just read the Letter to the HoH link I sent you, you would have understood completely. What the hell? You make me wonder why I even bother talking to you.

The only reason I am writing this here is because I know you won't read it.   I'm sorry, but if you had a blog that talked about your innermost feelings I would read it again and again and again just to feel as close to you as possible. So I'm left with feeling like you don't care, that you aren't interested in my needs, and my heart is breaking. I'm in shutdown mode and I don't want to talk to you anymore about it. You aren't listening anyway. And I can't take another refusal from you.

So if I'm quiet the rest of the day, you'll just have to put up with it. I'm angry and hurt and frustrated and tired and I just want to give up on even trying this thing. You don't want it and I can't make you. Just forget I even asked and we will move on.

I love you with all of my heart and always will. I just wish I had never even brought it up. Now I can add embarrassment to my list. Please just ignore the last few months. I'm going to try to put it behind me. 
I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've wasted your time and mine.

****UPDATE: Please see my latest post. Thank you.


  1. I'm feeling childish and rebellious. I'm drinking a coke. A real one with sugar and caffeine and everything. So there. Yeah...that's about the extent of my rebellion. Sad huh?

  2. Is it possible to be so heartbroken that you feel drunk? I know it's not the coke...

  3. There is nothing worse than having no one to talk to. It's not like I could talk to any of my r/l friend about any of this. Makes for a lonely place. I'm laying in bed under the guise that I'm sick. Hubby is none the wiser, as it should be. We have company coming for a BBQ in about 10 minutes or so. I don't have to make an appearance because it's Hubby's friend and his kids. Everyone will be preoccupied and my presence won't be missed at all. I've got some wine for later. I've got my kittens. I've got my pillow. I've got the fan on and my comfy blanket. Lonely schmonely.

  4. Apparently there may be a problem with being able to comment even though I've turned everything off. If you are unable to comment, please email me at lilmrs (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks.

  5. Lil Misses, Being in a pretty strange mood myself today, and most of this weekend too, your post made me shed a few tears. And you know, cowgirls don't cry! I feel for you, your pain and sense of rejection is coming through loud and clear. I can't tell you how sorry I am to read about the problems you're having. I wish there were some magic words I could write to make it all better. I just can't think of any. All I can offer is friendship and encouragement that maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I know how desperately you want a DD marriage. I get that, trust me! But, if it's really and truly just not going to happen, I still think you two will be okay. You were okay for 10 years without it. I understand your feelings are hurt because your hubby hasn't read your blog. IMHO, guys just aren't like us, they don't like dealing with feelings and talking about feelings, and reading about feelings...It just doesn't mean the same thing to them as it does us. They are a whole different species in so many ways. Know that you have a family here in blogland that understand and who care...I hope you find some comfort in that. :) ((hugs))

    1. Cowgirl...You said exactly the right thing. I am definitely feeling the sisterly love. And I'm really going to miss it if I can't make this thing work. I got that stupid song in my head "You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat..." It would feel a lot like that if I hung around all my DD friends and couldn't have a DD relationship myself. I'm just at a loss right now.
      I'll keep you updated if anything changes. But I don't have my hopes up. It just hurts too much.


  6. Oh, Sweetheart :)
    You are really hurting and I feel so very sad for you. I wish I was closer and we could just talk and have that glass of wine.
    Let me just say that nothing that has happened here is a waste of anyone's time. You have been discovering things about yourself, and that is so positive and for the people who read your posts and comment - it is reaching to and sharing knowledge, only ever a good thing.
    Okay. You and hubby are not in harmony with Dd right now. You were off to a good start and now a set back. That's okay - and so normal. Ian and I had exactly the same experience - and it was very painful.
    One of the mistakes I make with Ian is that I assume he is thinking something, and go off in a direction based on my certainty of his motives. I have rarely been right. Cowgirl is right when she says that the male thinks differently than we do, not better or worse - just different.
    I could be wrong, but - this is what I think is happening:
    Based on yesterday.....I think that your hubby might be responding to what he experienced yesterday. He wants his home and family, healthy and put together - every man does. When you were unable to come through for him, I think he shut down a little. Maybe he thinks that the spanking lifestyle is something you want, and if you aren't going to give him what he wants and needs, he isn't going to step up.
    The irony of course, is that you want him to go the next step. He may feel that he is unwilling to give you what you want under those circumstances. I hope that makes sense.
    Part of the problem may lie in his understanding of Dd, I know Ian had no idea what it was and thought it was completely sexual for a long time.
    I just read governingana's post about this situation, and she hit is right on the head - it is newer to him than you.
    Go gentle on yourself and him.
    I don't have a sister, but you are a blogland sister, and if I were there this is what I would do (after we had a glass of wine): I would get you out of bed, put your hair and face together, and send you out to help him with the bar-b-que with a big swat on the ass.
    I guarantee you will feel better if you do, and so will hubby.
    It will be okay, sweetheart.
    big big hugs

  7. Lillie, my friend, and "sister",
    When I first sent Hubby a link to Taken in Hand, he came home and he was outraged. He was disgusted that anyone would treat their wife like a child. He said he can't and he won't do it. Then there was some time, and some more talking, and submission on my part to show him I want this, and some more time. When we talked the other night (the post The Motivator Part Deux or Not What I Expected or The 30 Day FREE Trial), I thought I was pretty clear on what I wanted/needed. But after this morning, it sounds more like he forgot that conversation. He told me this morning that he won't get angry with me and beat me if that's what I wanted, followed by a bit of nervous laughter. What I wanted was to deck him. It felt like he took my heart out and stomped on it. Like he was taking it all back, and not because he was being passive-aggressive, but because he didn't bother to hear me. I poured my heart out and I get jokes and nervous laughter. I get a boy, not the man I needed.
    The BBQ is over and everyone went to the park. I am home alone. I ate frosting for (a very late) lunch, in bed, while reading blogs. I'm considering taking a shower to clear my head. Or going back to sleep. It's been 2 nights of very little sleep and napping just feels like a great way to forget this crap for a while.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. It really does mean a lot to me. ((hugs))

    1. I have thought about you all day, Sweetheart - I just didn't know what to say.
      I understand why you are hurting, but try not to read too much into his reluctance. The nervous laughter tells me that he just doesn't understand this thing yet.
      Be good to yourself, honey and try not to shut yourself off emotionally. These things have a way of working themselves out after a few days. People clear their heads and think, and that is sometimes as good as anything.
      I'll be thinking of you. :)
      and big hugs

    2. Lillie, thank you so much for your thoughts. I've written a new post and I hope it explains everything, the right way. You are so right and so wonderful. Thank you. ((((hugs))))

  8. Hi Lil Misses. It sounds like our weekends went the same way. After talking to my hubby the last few weeks I really thought he sort of had a hint. I was so wrong. He feels much like your husband. He asked me why one adult would have to spank another one. He just isn't on board but for a little while it seemed like he was. It was really hard and I cried a lot which is something I just don't do. I decided I can't force him to step up but I am going to continue to treat him as the HoH and see where it goes. It is so hard when they don't live up to our expectations.

    I am going to take a step back from DD and give us both a break. It has been very emotional for us both. One positive thing is we are talking about things that matter more. He is finally taking more interest in our finances which I have been in charge of since we got married 18 years ago. This has lifted a huge burden off me. I would encourage you to look and see what positives have come from you two talking about DD. I bet there are some. It has helped me to look at it that way.

    I did show Moose the letter you linked to your blog from Mick. He said after reading it that he had a better understanding of where I am coming from. I hope sometime soon he realizes it could benefit us, but if not I am still going to do my best to treat him with respect. I hope you find some peace in your situation!! I know it is heartbreaking to be so vulnerable and then for him to not be on the same page....or even reading the same book.

    I hope your week gets better!! ((hugs and more hugs))

    1. I'm so sorry you had a not so good weekend too. I am learning that I do this to myself. I need to remember that I cannot read minds, nor should I try. I hope you get what you need. I know I have and am and will be soon. Please read my newest post for the update. (((hugs)))

  9. I think he is afraid. If it were me I would revert back to the erotic-- and you continue to treat him as the hoh. Maybe he will become more comfortable. Remember you have figured it all out, you know what you want. He is way behind, and maybe has not really accepted the dynamic/lifestyle. It is always easy to agree to something in principal, but when you need to act...
    Do not internalize this as his love for you. You know that he loves you. His response is about him, not you.

    1. Minelle, you are very right. He is battling 37 years of being told that he should treat a woman one way and then having to look at it differently. It's a lot for him and I think there is some fear there. But he wants to take baby steps and that is all I can ask. Please see my latest post for the update. ((hugs))

  10. Oh Lil Misses...I was busy all weekend and wasn't keeping up with your posts. So sorry to hear all this. :(

    I am so sorry for your dissapointment. Hang in there. Don't give up. This is a long journey, not a quick trip. It takes some guys a long time to get fully on board with this. Try to be patient with him, and yourself.

    I hope things start going a lot better! (((hugs)))

    1. Molly Rose, thank you for your sympathy/empathy. I am not giving up after all. Baby steps... This is what I get for being all or nothing... Instead of an on/off switch, I need a dimmer switch! See my latest post for the update. (((hugs))))

  11. Oh lilmisses...I'm hoping there's yet another post...still catching up. Such hard stuff.