My heart aches. I feel a bit like a teenager on a hormone roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up again. And back down we go. Somethings been bugging me the past couple days. I have this guilt that's been nagging at me. My heart just hurts and I want to cry. I look at my house and I see failure. Failure as a mother. Failure as a wife.
I had just gotten home from dropping the kids off at a friends neighborhood pool. It was late, I was hungry. Hubby had just gotten home as well and was getting himself ready to join the kids at the pool. I don't go because I don't like to see myself in a bathing suit. Hubby mentions that it looks like a tornado hit the house. I told him about the kids' big idea to make kitty forts everywhere they could. But our room looked the same. Just our stuff cluttered all over. When did this happen?
I stepped over all of it and laid in bed, reading a story on my phone. Hubby came in and asked what I was doing. I said that I was reading a story. He mumbled something and sighed heavily. Less than a minute later, he came back into the room and scolded me. He said that it seems all I ever do is blog (case in point) or read blogs or stories and it's become an obsession that takes over everything else. He very firmly told me he needs my help. I said okay and got up to start picking some stuff up off my side of the bed. I'm not done by any means, but I just look at all this and see failure. It makes me feel rather depressed. And then to have Hubby yell at me like that...
Well, I am proud of him for finally saying something. Normally he just goes into the other room and fumes quietly. But my heart just hurt even more when he did that. All I could/can do is beat myself up about it. I am a big fat failure and I can't do anything right even if I were to get up off my big fat ass and do something. I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't wanna I. Don't. Wanna. My heart hurts. I just want to cry. Only the tears won't come. Just the pain in my chest. And I want it gone. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
What is it? Why so much guilt? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I have a persistent nagging headache? Why? I think that if I could rid myself of the guilt, I wouldn't have a headache or the pain in my chest or the desire to do nothing.
What do you do with your feelings?