Sunday, September 2, 2012

Heart Ache and Guilt

My heart aches. I feel a bit like a teenager on a hormone roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up again. And back down we go. Somethings been bugging me the past couple days. I have this guilt that's been nagging at me. My heart just hurts and I want to cry. I look at my house and I see failure. Failure as a mother. Failure as a wife.

I had just gotten home from dropping the kids off at a friends neighborhood pool. It was late, I was hungry. Hubby had just gotten home as well and was getting himself ready to join the kids at the pool. I don't go because I don't like to see myself in a bathing suit. Hubby mentions that it looks like a tornado hit the house. I told him about the kids' big idea to make kitty forts everywhere they could. But our room looked the same. Just our stuff cluttered all over. When did this happen?

I stepped over all of it and laid in bed, reading a story on my phone. Hubby came in and asked what I was doing. I said that I was reading a story. He mumbled something and sighed heavily. Less than a minute later, he came back into the room and scolded me. He said that it seems all I ever do is blog (case in point) or read blogs or stories and it's become an obsession that takes over everything else. He very firmly told me he needs my help. I said okay and got up to start picking some stuff up off my side of the bed. I'm not done by any means, but I just look at all this and see failure. It makes me feel rather depressed. And then to have Hubby yell at me like that...

Well, I am proud of him for finally saying something. Normally he just goes into the other room and fumes quietly. But my heart just hurt even more when he did that. All I could/can do is beat myself up about it. I am a big fat failure and I can't do anything right even if I were to get up off my big fat ass and do something. I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't wanna I. Don't. Wanna. My heart hurts. I just want to cry. Only the tears won't come. Just the pain in my chest. And I want it gone. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

What is it? Why so much guilt? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I have a persistent nagging headache? Why? I think that if I could rid myself of the guilt, I wouldn't have a headache or the pain in my chest or the desire to do nothing.

What do you do with your feelings?


  1. Oh Sweetie :)
    big, big hugs
    Because I really, really like you....I am going to be truthful, please don't be mad :)
    A home and a family are a massive amount of work. I understand. It is a special kind of job, because it is never done, you cook, you clean and then you do it all over again.
    When you begin this lifestyle it is very easy to get wrapped in wanting to know as much as you can about everything...and that is okay, but we have to remember what the reality of our HoH is.
    Right now, you have the perfect opportunity to show him how serious you are about this change in your lives. By accepting his authority, and direction, you can (I think) make some important headway that will pay off immensely in the future.
    And.......don't be so hard on yourself! Body image is a frightening tightrope to walk.....take the stairs instead. Take stock of the positive, you are an inventor and a business woman, you are mother and a submissive wife, just let the rest of the junk fall to the side for now. Bathing suits come and go, but time with your kids at the pool is where life is.
    Be kind to yourself, sweetheart and be good to your husband. I am willing to bet that responding to his authority right now, will make everything just a little better.
    The pain and the guilt, well - I am just guessing, but maybe from the feelings that you aren't what everything says you are supposed to be.....and talk to your husband.
    He said, "I need your help." Be that for him, and I think the guilt and the pain will subside just a little.
    hugs and kind thoughts :)

    1. Lillie, I could never be mad at you. As I read your comment, I started crying. You have a way of hitting the nail on the head.
      I am the research queen, and I know I get obsessed with trying to know everything. I think I've read about 8 blogs from the beginning posts, just to get a feel for where people started and what their experience was. Now I just need to step back and experience my own things.
      After writing this post I took a nap. I didn't get any sleep at all last night. My guilt was just eating me up. I woke up to a text to come pick up the kids and when we got home, I read your comment while laying in bed. Hubby came in and started talking to me about how he understands that I am tired, but I needed to get up and finish what I started. I told him I was proud of him for saying what was on his mind earlier. He said, "Well, you opened this box!" I told him that I need him to be strong with me, because when I got back home all I saw was the mess again and just wanted to go back to sleep.
      When I'm hard on myself, I feel immense guilt and I get depressed. When he gets stern with me, even though it hurts a bit, it pushes me to get up and get moving. It's what I asked him to do. And I'm going to be submissive. I'm going to do what he says. I just have to get my cranium dislodged from my rectum.
      I so wish I could sit and have a glass of wine with you and just talk. I'm sure you live forever away, but it would be nice some day. Hurry up with that DD B&B will ya? lol! (((hugs)))

  2. *gentle hugs*

    With all respect, do you think that you could take a break from blogging in order to show yourself (and, incidentally, him) that you are willing to re-order your priorities? You've commented on my blog quite a bit so I think you've read that I totally get the overwhelmed and feeling like a failure bit. Totally and completely. I use my blog to deal with lots of different things.

    But I will say this...that it can be very very tempting to cling to blogging when outside (meaning r/l) stuff gets overwhelming. I took a week off from blogging, after fighting everyone's attempts to get me to do so, and I came back blogging just as much as before but for different reasons. Now I blog to fill my head with good stuff, and I go away better able to deal with r/l.

    I know it's scary and I know it feels like writing in your blog and reading stories is a lot more manageable...but once you take that step away it will get easier. And then you will look to him for support and guidance.


    1. Yes Ana. I'm going to reprioritize. I am going to limit my time online. I have new chores to do and work and kids. I will find time to fit it in, but not at the expense of my submission to my husband.
      I'm not a big fan of r/l. At least not when the world feels so chaotic. I swear my hormones are messing with me too. But you are right, I need to step back. Thank you for your advice. ((hugs))

    2. I agree with Minelle below. It is an easy trap to beat yourself up. And sometimes trying to limit your time (with something that makes you feel good) makes you more desperate for it...or feel deprived. It may be good to give yourself one day a week, perhaps, when you get to have unlimited blogging time within certain parameters. Then in exchange on other days other things come first. Just a thought. *hugs*

  3. Taking care of the home is both rewarding and thankless. It will still be there tomorrow, so start with small steps. Do not beat yourself up. Being with the kids and letting them create is the biggest gift you can give them.
    Just pick the places that need order, and are important to both of you just begin there.
    btw blogging is addictive, there is so much enjoyment. Give yourself permission (or work with your husband) maybe certain times or days where you just get to relax and enjoy reading. Take care.

    1. Thanks Minelle. I am going to work on priorities and scheduling blogland time. I just feel so connected to everyone and I don't want to miss anything. Kinda like a little kid that refuses to sleep just in case something is about to happen.
      The house will be picked up by the end of the week if I stick with my chore chart. If not, well then I suppose I will find out what happens when I don't get it done...
      Thanks for the advice. ((hugs))

    2. While this is all well and good, I can't bring myself to do anything right now. You'll have to rea my latest post for more on that. I won't be spending any time in blog land just due to the fact it will break my heart too much. I can't do this anymore.

  4. Hi Lilmisses. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.i just recently got my house in order. We have been living in clutter for 18 years. I struggled with where to start...everything was a mess. I got inspiration from an unlikely source...a health insurance commercial. LOL. It said moving was simple physics. A body at rest tends to stay at rest while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. I thought, huh, that's such a simple concept...I'm going to try it. I'm glad I did because it worked.
    Once I got started it was so rewarding to see something clean. I am a packrat and save everything in case I need it someday. I really started to look at things to see what we really used/needed/wanted. I sent truck loads to goodwill. (Too lazy for a yard sale.). It was liberating to take control of my stuff. I owned it, it no longer owned me. It was a process and didn't happen over night. But it has been wonderful.

    I also heard some good advice from one of my aunts. She was telling a young wife that if she cleaned her kitchen after supper then the next day you started off with a clean kitchen and it was a great way to start the day. Duh, I am a well educated, intelligent, professional woman but I had never made that connection. Now I take 15 or 20 minutes to clean the kitchen. It is a nice way to start the day.

    I also realized housework is never ending so you need to figure out what works for you so that you have time for your family and yourself. You want a clean house but you have to have time for your husband and your kids. They are really what count. My husband and daughter chip in and help keep the house clean and my daughter is ruthless when it comes to getting rid of stuff we don't use. I needed someone like that to help me because I know I will need that 3rd waffle maker someday. =}

    Having less stuff really helps you be able to clean quicker. It has made my life so much easier and reduced lots of stress. I'm sorry for the long reply but since I just got it together I really feel for where you are. Since starting my blog I realize how much time I spend reading other blogs and changing my background, fonts, etc on my blog.

    Your husband and kids are more important than c clean house, but a clean house will help you be able to enjoy time with them. As for body issues, I have those in spades. My doctor gave me some great advice. She said you are where you are, but you can get to where you want to be. I realize my daughter and husband love me anyway and want to spend time with me. Do I want to lose weight? Sure do. Do I want to miss out on life and memories while I do? Not a chance.

    I hope things even out for you. You have been a great source of encouragement since my husband an I started thinking about dd. I hope you have a terrific week and make some great memories. :)

  5. I read the thing about the kitchen on I really need to look up that system again. They have this system to keep you going every day with cleaning things so you can keep up and keep clean. I think I need your daughter to come over to my house!
    Weight and self-esteem issues are so hard to deal with. We've changed our diet. My endocrinologist suggested a diet consisting of only lean meat, veggies (not corn or legumes), and fruit. I've cut out soda, wheat and other grains, and all the yummy stuff I used to eat. I haven't lost anything yet, but I stopped gaining, so that's something. Hubby says we need to start going to the gym together. I think that's a great idea. It sure is easier when you can work together toward a common goal.
    Thanks for the advice. I don't know how I've been encouraging, but I'll take that. ;) You have a great week too! ((hugs))

  6. Hi, lilmisses

    I have tried Flylady before, and I've just started with it again the past few weeks and I'm already feeling better as things slowly come together around the house. Sometimes just having a plan seems to help so much for me because it all seems much clearer when I do.

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad lately. When I am not eating well, my hormones go on a roller coaster ride. If I switch to whole foods, and cut wayyyy down on sugar and caffeine, it's amazing how much I improve. My emotions even out, and the clarity of my thoughts is much improved, which helps me focus. I don't always do this, of course, lol, but then again, like my house, I have accepted that I, too, am a work in progress.

    Be gentle with yourself. Look at all the people who have commented here and how they identify with the struggles you are going through. That tells you not only that you aren't alone, but that you are quite normal, so stop beating yourself up.

    Take babysteps. Take a deep breath. Smile.

    I hope things even out, and you have a better day tomorrow!


    1. Thanks for the encouragement. I don't think I will be pursuing a DD relationship afterall. You'll have to see my latest post about it. But thanks anyway.

  7. Flylady helped me. I agree taking care of the home and kids is the job I have excelled at the least. But I've wondered if part of it wasn't having a boss to please? So now that you're living dd you have that! The benefit of DD is supposed to be that a spanking takes away the guilt, so maybe you just need to be spanked so you can move forward positively?

    You are doing perfectly just as you are. Making a decision to change is the hardest thing, I think. the rest will fall into place.

    But I agree, blogging has diminished my effectiveness as a parent and a housekeeper... argh.

  8. I just discovered your blog and went back to the beginning to read how you first came out to him about wanting to be Taken In Hand and how in your last post in August how he is getting on board with the lifestyle.

    Maybe he also needs to take charge in making sure you do your domestic chores.

    Anyway, good luck on your journey in the lifestyle. Despite the ups and down, I hope you life is going to be better now that you have told him what you want and crave and need. It's nice you are no longer repressing your desires.


    P.S. Try to get rid of that robot thing. It makes it hard to comment.

    1. I'm back to repressing them. Hubby is not going to give me what I need and I am shutting down now. I don't think I will be blogging anymore. I have a new post after this one but I just can't do this anymore. My heart is breaking.

  9. Didn't take the time to read the other forgive any doubling up.

    You know what I notice about your husband? He is always talking about "us." He asks for your help. He makes rules that apply to both of you (like texting.) He wants a schedule that you will both keep. This is really, really neat! So help him! Depression, sadness--all those things make us tired but he is stepping into his role and trying his very best with the info he has and you can encourage him by standing by his side and doing your very best. It might even help with your guilt to do that. Bah, I'm sorry if I'm sounding hard on you. I don't mean to come across that way.

    About the blogging, the very best thing I've done is to set aside a time for myself each day. For me it is really early in the morning. Then I leave it alone unless I have some down time where I truly don't have anything else I need to do. It feels good this way. I have my "me" time and I don't have to feel guilty about it at all.