Now lest you think this is all butterflies and roses, I assure you that it is not. It's more like butterflies and minefields. I have a tendency to dance near the minefields. I almost got in big BIG trouble Thursday morning. I was so tired that I fell back to sleep while Hubby took the kids to their respective summer day camps. I kept waking up thinking that I would get up by 8:15 so I could be ready-ish by 8:30. Nope. 8:30 came and Hubby, who had been waiting outside in his car until then, came in and woke me up with a stern look and voice that had me up and out of bed immediately. He said that he was almost tempted to "help" me get motivated after my shower. I politely declined. Instead, I stood as close to him as I could, my chest touching his belly, and looked up into his eyes, making sure he knew that I am submissive to him and he is dominant over me, even more so with his boots on. This was my "shot across the bow", my near miss. He warned me that the next morning, he would wait until 8:31 and then properly motivate me, bottom first. Not only do I believe him at his word, but I decidedly will NOT test him on it. I do not want a corrective action. Thank you but no.
What has this change in him accomplished for me? Well certainly change in me for one. I don't want to test him. I dread the first time I dance too close to a mine and trip it. My butt, and the ability to sit for the following week, are at stake. I'm no dummy. Well, not usually anyway. Second, I know he cares about me. I am no longer his last priority. I am his first. He is watching me. He is making sure I am obeying him. He is asking me to do things and expecting that they get done. He is demanding my hand to hold in the movie theater. I know I am his, and furthermore, that he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me. ME! This excites me to no end. And you know what else? I trust him. I trust him at his word. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my life. I belong to him and he to me.
I was transported back in time to highschool, to my friend Kelly. He was the only boy I ever knew that had a girls name. We were really good friends until one day he just disappeared. Come to find out later on that he had just lost both of his parents. They were out riding on their motorcycle and having fun, took a corner too fast, and slid on some gravel, killing them both instantly...leaving poor Kelly abandoned, alone, orphaned. He was never the same. He almost acted as if he didn't know me. I'm sure it was the heavy drugs they put him on to mask the pain.
So you see, I have fear behind my hatred of the darn things. They are lacking 2 more wheels and doors...Doors would be nice... I imagine the worst when Hubby is out on that thing. I'm terrified of them. I have to have a couple glasses of wine in order to relax enough to ride. Or at least I did...
We went out for a movie date yesterday to see Iron Man 3. It was a gorgeous day. The motorcycle called to him. I agreed to ride with him, after all, it had been a while. I braced myself for the panic that always arises on such occasions, but it didn't come. I tried to wrap my brain around it. Why am I not afraid? Where is my panic? My anxiety that comes in waves and punches me in the heart at every turn? Vanished. Gone.
In previous rides, before ttwd, I was consciously trying to force trust. Surrendering myself to fate and to my husband's skill did not take away the anxiety. I still tried to force it. I kept thinking that the more I exposed myself to it, the more accustomed I would become and therefore less fearful. But that didn't happen. I was still afraid. Terrified even. And then along comes ttwd and changes everything.
I spent most of the ride contemplating the "why" until I just gave in and let my arms go out on each side. I imagined that I was flying at a very low altitude, just like the one and only flying dream I've ever had. I was free. I was happy. I was ready to go again.
So I can't exactly answer why I trust. I just do. And I am happy. That's all that matters.
What changes have you experienced since ttwd? Can't wait to read your responses!