Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm NOT a Child


I discovered something yesterday. Call it that feeling of safety, of being cherished, of feeling loved and protected. When Hubby covers my hands with his, I feel all those things and more. It's an amazing and quite surprising feeling. Its effects lingered all day. My hand, so small in his. I could feel my weakness and his strength all at once. What a wonderful feeling! I felt endeared to him, like I was nothing but his and his alone and he was mine. I felt so small and fragile, just with the little gesture of his hands covering mine.

Now Hubby has mentioned on several occasions that he doesn't want me to be another one of his kids that he has to watch all the time. This subject came up again last night. Not so much in those exact words, but a variance to be sure. He feels that if he has to tell me to "watch my tone", and that is exactly what he would have to tell one of our kids, then it is like he's treating me like a child instead of his partner.

Some men like that. Some men refer to their spouse as "baby girl" or some other term that puts them in that special place. Some TiH refer to their HoH as "Daddy". I call Hubby "Daddy" and he calls me "Mama", but it's all because of our kids. We still do it even though our kids are 6 & 8. For us, it's not really any more roll affirming than calling each other "Hon". We often refer to each other as "Lover", and it doesn't even carry any sexual meaning to it.

Even though we have firmly established that he is HoH, and I am mildly TiH, the question still remains; How do we make sense of this arrangement without him feeling like he has to treat me like a child? Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship? 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to take me in hand for all it's worth and help me see my behavior is not working for us but against us (I don't always know I'm doing it). How can he do this without feeling like I'm just another child he has to deal with? I'm at a loss to explain it to him. My older brother once shouted at me, "If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!" But I don't act like a child on purpose, at least not most times. It's my personality. I pout. I shut down. I distance. I yell back. I disrespect him in front of our kids and his friends. I don't do what he asks, only because I don't want to. I procrastinate. I am guilty of all these things and more. Can it be as simple me acting like a child, inadvertently or otherwise, that I deserve to be treated like one? How do I explain to Hubby that this isn't about the parent/child relationship, but more? How do you rationalize it?

We've already started down this path, so we aren't turning back. We are getting great results. Last night we had several breakthroughs while I endured paddling. I was spilling tears before we even started, but that's a story for my next post.

If you can, just please tell me ways to explain it to Hubby so he doesn't feel so...weirded out(?) about DD. I'm not asking him to be my daddy and I'm certainly not his baby girl. He already has one of those and she's got him wrapped around her 6 year-old little pinky finger. Sucker...

(((hugs)))

24 comments:

  1. I am finding it incredibly hard to explain so much of ttwd to Brice. That particular question has not been an issue of ours....But, there have been many others.

    I also call Brice Daddy with the kids, even the big ones....My 24yr old recently asked me to please not do that in public lol. I never ever call him Daddy, nor would I in private. For us, maybe because I do use it with the children, it is the farthest thing from my mind in the bedroom....Another case of what works for some may not for us. That is one reason I love this community, you can get lots of ideas and pick and chose what works best in your situation.

    Sorry that had nothing to do with answering your question, but it's all I've got. I'm still in the 'receiving advice' camp. :)

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    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that calls their husband "Daddy" because of the kids. I will probably always do it. Although, if I want to get him in the HoH mind-frame, I suppose I ought to call him something more appropriate. Otherwise, he will be in parenting mode. I certainly don't want that!
      ((hugs))

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  2. I know this can be tough. I definitely am not a child.my husband is NOT my daddy or anything along those lines. I despise being called little girl... My HoH would never treat me like that...and yet, I am spanked. But I am not a child. Dd works because it establishes clear roles and boundaries. It sets up consequences and allows me to have my guilt absolved, and grants my husband the voice and position to be heard and to lead (which I otherwise pre dd was not good at letting him have). Is my behavior childish at times? Sure. I would define childish behavior as anything that was less than a fully mature response. I don't know a single adult in the world that doesn't occasionally react childishly. That doesn't make them a child. Dd just grants authority to the HoH to not put up with such behavior and to have a means to eradicate it. I am my husbands wife, his cherished bride, an equal partner in our marriage, and yet, I am disciplined. It is strange, but it works. I am not "less" than my HoH because he is in charge, our roles are simply different. I addition, his authority to spank/punish is given in consent by the wife.
    Christina from RedBootyWoman gives a great explanation here http://redbootywoman.blogspot.com/2012/04/dd-strengthens-me-as-woman-it-doesnt.html

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    1. Thanks Cole! I read the post and she had a link to another post at the end. Awesome and helpful reading!
      I can't wait to read all this stuff to Hubby.
      ((hugs))

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  3. I do call Ward Daddy publicly and privately. That is who he is to me. I have no desire to sleep with my father, we have no interest in age or incest play, which a lot of people tend to assume. So what exactly does it mean for us?

    He is the HoH, the leader, I am the TiH, the helpmeet. I acknowledge his authority, and I defer to him. He loves, protects and nurtures me, there is dependance - not all the negative definitions you hear - the definition I love is: "reliance, confidence and trust". I am small and soft, and the supporting partner. I don't have to match him, I have to balance him, support him, and give him a soft place to land.

    Some people will call deference childish, because we take that time to confer with our partner. I just happen to call that respect, and it's not one-sided, he will give me the same respect.

    I think that sometimes the problem is that we try to define ourselves in the frame of the non-DD world. But the only frame that really matters is the frame that you make for your relationship. Don't try to fit yourself into anyone else's mold. Look within your dynamic and see what works for you and enriches your personal dynamic.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. As always June, you are very right. You and Ward constantly amaze me with your wisdom.
      Thank you for your advice. (((hugs)))

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  4. I feel like there are many different flavors of TiH and some are more parent/child than others. I've been with my husband for 18 years, and as much as I wish I'd opened up about my desire to be spanked 18 years ago, I would have been a complete child in a dd relationship back then. I think I needed to grow up a lot and stand on my own two feet first.

    We are still figuring out our particular "flavor" but I think we're headed toward more of a D/s relationship-- more sexual than parent-ish, which doesn't mean that real discipline couldn't happen.

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    1. There are a lot of flavors, aren't there? And we figure out so much more about ourselves as we get older. There is no way DD would've worked in the beginning for us either. Yes, I was into getting spanked during sex, or at least the thought of it. But I had no idea until a year ago that this ttwd was what I really wanted.
      ((hugs))

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  5. Hey LM, glad to hear you guys are in a good place.

    I think the key is consent. You are two consenting adults who have mutually agreed to this lifestyle as a way to enhance your marriage. A parent/child relationship does not include consent. A child does not consent to parental authority.

    I think another big difference is the intent behind the disciplinary action. Discipline in a Dd relationship is administered with the intent of retaining harmony both within the relationship and the household.

    As Cole said, Christina has some good posts on this that explain it extremely well.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz, so true! Consent is absolutely the difference. I can't wait to read all this great stuff to Hubby. (((hugs)))

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  6. I was going to say something similar to Roz after thinking about this. That unlike children it is consensual and we do have the power to withdraw that consent at anytime.

    I really like what Cole has to say about the entire thing !

    love willie

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    1. Absolutely! This is all great stuff. (((hugs)))

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  7. I agree that the main difference to me is that it is consensual and we ultimately have the control to end the whole dd dynamic at anytime, where as with a child they have an say in rules and consequences. However I also helped explain it to my husband this way.... We have a few friends that are legally considered adults, they have responsibilities and families, but they do not have the emotional maturity/capacity at many times of an "adult"... I have heard a few of their husbands (more than once in some cases) say they feel like they have an extra child....they do what they want when they want and their husbands have no say. Instead of being disciplined for actions that can be considered childish, it causes a spat between the couple and both of them end up acting like children. We on the other hand, know we are not perfect, we admit that we falter at times.. but we are mature and responsible enough to see a need for guidance, we care about our relationship and family enough to ask for help.... And to me admitting those things, not only to ourselves but our partners is a very "adult" action.

    Tasha

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    1. Tasha, you are absolutely right. I know I act childish at times, but I am not a child because of it. I am still an adult. I don't want to fight because of it. My asking for discipline is not asking Hubby to be a father to me.
      Isn't ttwd a wonderful thing?
      ((hugs))

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  8. I have no real advice here....shocking I know, but...I do remember that Ryan had voiced that concern at one point and it is no longer a concern. Someone out here in blogland...can't remember who....said that you can just overthink these things. If it works, if it is consensual....if you both are happy....does it really matter? That is what Ryan and I go with at least ;) There are times that he is still somewhat conflicted by it, but he would say that we are happier and better than we have ever been....and so we just keep plowing along. Hope that made sense :)

    ~Lucy

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    1. Makes total sense Lucy. We are grownups. We are consenting. We are happy. Don't overthink it. Yep...
      ((hugs))

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  9. Hi LM,

    Looks like you got some very helpful advice here! I agree that opening yourself up to being so vulnerable can make one feel childlike at times. Just as Cole pointed out, there are certainly times when most adults act childlike, DD or not! I don't feel like a child at all- nor do I think of myself in those terms. I am married to a wonderful husband who now leads, and I weigh in as we look at issues together and then he decides. In fact I think that it is very mature to handle things in that manner vs. past disagreements leading to all kinds of acting out perhaps badly. We are two adults who have consented to use spanking as a way to resolve stuff- deepen our relationship. There is nothing childlike about that. In order to even go there, there has to be great trust that only a mature couple can provide! Hope this helps! :). Hugs!

    <3 Katie

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    1. So true Katie! You have to be mature to make ttwd work. I would write more about it but it seems my brain has decided to take the day off.

      ((hugs))

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  10. Hi Sweetie,
    Ian and I had a long talk about this subject and of course, I sent you his comments. One of the things that stuck with my from the conversation and performing my stenographer duties for him was that he felt the urge to protect and shield me from harm from the beginning of our relationship, and he said - as a father does with his family. Ian said he thinks that lots of men are doing it all the time, they have just learned to hide it, so it is socially palatable. I will be honest and say that accepting an authoritarian figure has not been as easy for me, as it has been for him to come in to his role as one. It is ironic, because in the beginning I would have bet it would have been the opposite.
    Good luck,
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Interesting how ttwd changes everything...
      I got the comments and I'm putting the post together now. Thanks!

      (((hugs))) and Lots of Love!

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  11. I think too...there is personal accountability involved for both spouses. I find that the spaces between Will and I occur when either one of us goes against our 'creed' and act in a way which is childish, immature or without our marital goals in mind, in the heat of the moment.

    Great post, really has me thinking. Thank you for sharing.

    Elisa

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    1. Hi Elisa!
      Just wait til my next post...hehehe

      (((hugs)))

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  12. I accidentally deleted Zoe's comment. Sorry Zoe!
    She said:

    Zoe has left a new comment on your post "I'm NOT a Child":

    Some really great comments here. Like others I think the consent portion is huge in defining a difference for us. We are doing this because we choose to. Having rules and following his lead gives both of our lives structure and we are happier for it.

    We all do act childishly at times and I for one do not like it when I do. Ttwd gives us a way to deal with those moments without them lingering as hurt feelings and arguments. I don't think of him as a father figure but a protector of our family and our relationship in particular.

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    1. I hear ya Zoe. It's amazing how we all get the same results from ttwd, even though we get there different ways.

      ((hugs))

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