Fear and Longing

Look! It's my brain!!!

So much about this DD ride can be so confusing. Take for instance Sunday night. It was nothing short of perfect. Hubby took me to a place that I needed to be. He did everything right.

And then he left...

He realized later that night that he had to go to a meeting that was 4 1/2 hours away. This meant that after not seeing much of each other all Monday, he had to take off after one of the kid's sporting events. He drove until 11 pm, found his hotel, spent the night, did his meeting thing, and then got home at dinner time. Since he was up until 2 am, he was exhausted when he got home, and I was irritated.

I had done nothing but obsess about him the entire time and he just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to serve him with all of my being and I felt like I was being ignored. I needed him to be in the same place I was and he just wasn't. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't talk to him. I got angry, hurt, and frustrated. We weren't communicating in the same language. I would say one thing, and he would hear another.

There's a great analogy of how men and women communicate. A man will go look in his closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." What he means is that there are no clothes in the closet because they are in the laundry. A woman will go to her closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." Of course she means that she doesn't have anything to wear that will fit her needs at the time. There are plenty of clothes in the closet. She just doesn't like any of them.

I feel that way when I talk to Hubby. I say I need "motivation" and he hears "nagging" instead of what I mean, which is really spanking and/or the threat thereof. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me just say that we are all different in our needs of ttwd. Some just need the idea. Some need the action. Some need the guilt. Some need praise. We all need love in our own way. For me this means that I need to feel Hubby's dominant presence. I need to be afraid that I will be spanked beyond anything I've experienced if I don't comply. Fear motivates me (at least I think so right now). Not fear of Hubby (I'll never fear him. He's too lovable!). Fear of consequences. It's always what kept me in line when I was younger.

For some, it's not fear but guilt. Guilt can motivate me too, to some extent. Thanks to a long chat with Willie, who can throw a guilt bomb like nobody's business, I realized that if not fear as the motivation, maybe I think about it in terms of what Hubby feels about certain things. That, my friends, is a fine guilt bomb if I ever saw one. And it's not the guilt where I beat myself up. It's the guilt that causes me to take action because I can't stand the thought of him hating a situation that he should love (dirty vs clean home) and that I have control over.

Pleasing him does not motivate me. It should, but it doesn't. That makes me feel bad that it doesn't, but does not cause me to take action. Don't get me wrong, I love to make Hubby happy. But if he were to ask me to do something because it would please him, I may start but I won't finish. But... Had he caught me in the time after the big spanking but before I got derailed, when I would do anything to serve him, then yes; I would've gone to the ends of the earth to please him. But it took spanking me until I cried to achieve that. It took pain, fear of more pain, and panic. I rode that post-spanking high for 24 hours. If he could've been home, I would've done anything for him. What power he wields over me!

I got spanked again last night. It wasn't near the intensity. He lectured about my half-finished cleaning projects. He talked about how we need to be a good example to our children. He talked about how he doesn't want to nag me and that we've already got 2 brats, he doesn't need another one. That got me thinking about if needing to be spanked was childish, and if not, then what is it? Because I don't think it is. What say you?

So many things whirling in my head! I need a glass of wine...

(((hugs)))