Thursday, April 11, 2013

Fear and Longing

Look! It's my brain!!!

So much about this DD ride can be so confusing. Take for instance Sunday night. It was nothing short of perfect. Hubby took me to a place that I needed to be. He did everything right.

And then he left...

He realized later that night that he had to go to a meeting that was 4 1/2 hours away. This meant that after not seeing much of each other all Monday, he had to take off after one of the kid's sporting events. He drove until 11 pm, found his hotel, spent the night, did his meeting thing, and then got home at dinner time. Since he was up until 2 am, he was exhausted when he got home, and I was irritated.

I had done nothing but obsess about him the entire time and he just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to serve him with all of my being and I felt like I was being ignored. I needed him to be in the same place I was and he just wasn't. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't talk to him. I got angry, hurt, and frustrated. We weren't communicating in the same language. I would say one thing, and he would hear another.

There's a great analogy of how men and women communicate. A man will go look in his closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." What he means is that there are no clothes in the closet because they are in the laundry. A woman will go to her closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." Of course she means that she doesn't have anything to wear that will fit her needs at the time. There are plenty of clothes in the closet. She just doesn't like any of them.

I feel that way when I talk to Hubby. I say I need "motivation" and he hears "nagging" instead of what I mean, which is really spanking and/or the threat thereof. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me just say that we are all different in our needs of ttwd. Some just need the idea. Some need the action. Some need the guilt. Some need praise. We all need love in our own way. For me this means that I need to feel Hubby's dominant presence. I need to be afraid that I will be spanked beyond anything I've experienced if I don't comply. Fear motivates me (at least I think so right now). Not fear of Hubby (I'll never fear him. He's too lovable!). Fear of consequences. It's always what kept me in line when I was younger.

For some, it's not fear but guilt. Guilt can motivate me too, to some extent. Thanks to a long chat with Willie, who can throw a guilt bomb like nobody's business, I realized that if not fear as the motivation, maybe I think about it in terms of what Hubby feels about certain things. That, my friends, is a fine guilt bomb if I ever saw one. And it's not the guilt where I beat myself up. It's the guilt that causes me to take action because I can't stand the thought of him hating a situation that he should love (dirty vs clean home) and that I have control over.

Pleasing him does not motivate me. It should, but it doesn't. That makes me feel bad that it doesn't, but does not cause me to take action. Don't get me wrong, I love to make Hubby happy. But if he were to ask me to do something because it would please him, I may start but I won't finish. But... Had he caught me in the time after the big spanking but before I got derailed, when I would do anything to serve him, then yes; I would've gone to the ends of the earth to please him. But it took spanking me until I cried to achieve that. It took pain, fear of more pain, and panic. I rode that post-spanking high for 24 hours. If he could've been home, I would've done anything for him. What power he wields over me!

I got spanked again last night. It wasn't near the intensity. He lectured about my half-finished cleaning projects. He talked about how we need to be a good example to our children. He talked about how he doesn't want to nag me and that we've already got 2 brats, he doesn't need another one. That got me thinking about if needing to be spanked was childish, and if not, then what is it? Because I don't think it is. What say you?

So many things whirling in my head! I need a glass of wine...



  1. Um, to be fair ( to me lol )I didn't use the word guilt. I was just saying how I think to myself how my actions or inactions affect Barney. Because, unlike you, I don't leave my house to go to work. I think of how he works hard for us, and I need to do my part.

    Trying to see the other side of the coin is often difficult but beneficial for both parties. Of course he has to try to. This only comes with effective communication,( something we still struggle with ).

    My hope for you is that someday soon you can find a 'motivator' that you see as a positive one. That maybe you can hold onto that 'wanting' to please him as your motivation longer. It is a difficult thing to do, find motivation within yourself. I find that once in a rut it takes a while to dig out. Often it is easier to just stay there. But the rewards are so great once you are out.

    I hope together you and your hubby can come to an agreement and plan to help motivate you. To start to inch forward just a little. Because positive results are contagious too!

    big hugs, willie
    PS remember I have NO idea what I am doing, so take every word with a grain of salt ! :)

    1. Oh Willie... You know I love you. I think that fear can be quite positive. Consider what fear does for those who listen. Fear keeps us safe. It keeps is from making bad decisions that would otherwise cause harm to ourselves and others. It keeps us from blowing each other up. In my case, I would prefer to get stuff done rather than get spanked. But then, as you said, and I paraphrase, it's an ever-morphing dynamic this ttwd journey we've chosen. (((hugs)))

    2. Well if you are looking at it that way, I guess I have nothing to worry about :) Maybe I am too caught up in the word. Can't we change it? I tried to find a synonym that was 'better'. Nope :( LOL

      Regardless, I STILL hope you find your motivator!

    3. Sorry. Forgot to warn you. My business has a certain side effect. I can now put a positive spin on anything! I've become the mistress of spin. It's amazing the bright sides I can come up with.

  2. Okay, I'm gonna shoot totally straight. I feel what you are saying in these things but you and I are complete opposites. I get spanked for over-working, for not stopping with my business at a certain time of day.

    So that said, you and I have the opposite problem but need the same solution. We both need accountability. We both need a consequence if we don't follow through. I'm not big on rules so for MM to say "you quit by 730 or there are consequences" feels stupid to me. For him to say "you quit by 730 b/c if you don't you get overtired and upset and cranky"...well, I can wrap my head around that. It changes the tone from rule/consequence to more of protecting me when I overdo it.

    All that to say that as you two continue to talk this out, I wonder if your husband can in time find a mindset that he is comfortable with. When you don't get as much done as you need to, you get upset, frustrated...become an unhappy lady. He doesn't like it when you are feeling that way with yourself and perhaps can see his way to help you out of that spot as he clearly tried the other night. In return, you work very hard to develop self-discipline and show him your motivated side.

    We do have to grow. I have to learn to stop b/c it is my job to leave work alone and engage in other ways. You have to learn to go and get all your work done so that you can teach your kids and have the kind of home and work life that you want for your family...and then have time to engage in other ways. Hang in there...I"m totally up for growing with you!

    Bah LM, did any of that make a lick of sense?

    1. Absolutely makes sense Susie!
      And I think Hubby will catch on. I'm not going to push him. I will just read him some blogs so he can see what is normal and what other HoH's are doing.
      I love that we can all share our different journeys to the same place! (((hugs)))

  3. Finding a balance between work and home is really hard. Motivation, whether it be to find a place to shove off from, or in Susie's case dock her boat for the day is truly the key. We all have our little mechanisms that work. I listen to an audiobook on my iPhone and before I know it I have made some headway. .......that might not work for Susie she would work through the night.
    Hang in there Sweetie and I know how creative you are - apply that energy to this and I know you will figure it out.

    hugs and love

    1. I should start listening to audiobooks and get work done at home. Great idea! Thanks sweetie!

      (((hugs))) and LOVE