The night before last was one of the worst night's sleep either of us has had. First we fought because he was upset that I didn't stand up to him when it came to a business decision. He called me childish and said I should've told him to eff-off instead of backing down. I kneeled and forced myself to stay during the argument, as much as I just wanted to get up and run away.
Later, I brought up the testing incidents. This brought in another round of fighting. There was no "winning" for either of us. We couldn't resolve it. He accused me of playing games. I told him that he was not a man of his word. It's amazing how deeply you can cut someone without so much as a pocket knife.
Yesterday, our day went okay. We finally started acting congenial with each other. I think that either of us would do anything to get over this issue between us. But it all came to a head last night. I told him we needed to talk and he asked about what. I didn't know where to start. I thought maybe he had something to say to me; something regarding the unresolved issues from the night before. I had emailed him something. I texted him my really bad drawing of how I felt about us and ttwd. I wasn't sure what else to say. I asked for a TnT. But it was almost as if he ignored me.
We fought again. He wanted me talk to him. I shut down, closed up, walls protecting every side. I was spiraling out of control. He was at a loss. It looked like another night of ignoring the elephant in the room. I rolled over and tried to hold back outright sobs. Before I knew it, he was crying too. We sobbed hysterically in each other's arms. He kept saying he was sorry he couldn't be the man I needed him to be. I couldn't believe what I had done. How could I have been so selfish?
Something in me snapped. I knew that ttwd was over for good. I couldn't do this to the love of my life any longer. I made him cry. What kind of wife am I to hurt him like this? He was, is, and always will be the man I need him to be. I am nothing without him. Nothing! And nothing is worth the hurt that I caused. I am ashamed of myself.
I used to beat myself up over every little thing. I would tell myself horrible things. Ttwd took all that away. The guilt and anguish disappeared with every swat. I was stronger, and yet somehow weaker. I thought that this was better for me. But it wasn't better for him. He cannot stand to hurt others and as much as he tried to tell himself that spanking was good for me, he couldn't get himself to believe it.
I cannot and will not try to change him for my own selfish desires. The absolute horror of not being able to calm Hubby down was enough of a wakeup call to me to say that it was time to put a stop to this. Enough is enough. We had a go at trying it my way and it didn't work. I will not risk my marriage, or my husbands mental/emotional well-being for this. I can shut it off. And I have. I took all my implements and threw them away. I've deleted apps for communicating with my online friends off my phone. I am tearfully, yet very willingly saying goodbye to all that I've come to know in the past year. I will never again ask for so much as a swat. While we've gotten so close by this method, we will figure out another way. I am forcing the genie back into his bottle.
I will leave you with one last thing. This song was playing in my head all yesterday and has yet to stop. It seems that it fit more than I would have liked. We'll get through this. We're not broken, just bent...