Monday, March 18, 2013

A Woman of Contradiction

What an interesting weekend...
In the middle of chatting with my dear friend Lillie, I realized that I am a woman of contradiction. How do I justify all this? How is it that I am so impatient with others and yet the biggest procrastinator to walk the planet? How is it that I want to control ttwd, and yet I am supposed to be the submissive partner in it? Well all of this has gotten me to thinking. Uht oh...

As my kids' martial arts coach is fond of saying, "Look it up in the dictionary!"

pa·tience  [pey-shuhns]  noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
1. composure, stability, self-possession; submissiveness, sufferance. Patience endurance fortitude stoicism imply qualities of calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances. Patience may denote calm, self-possessed, and unrepining bearing of pain, misfortune, annoyance, or delay; or painstaking and untiring industry or (less often) application in the doing of something: to bear afflictions with patience. Endurance denotes the ability to bear exertion, hardship, or suffering (without implication of moral qualities required or shown): Running in a marathon requires great endurance. Fortitude implies not only patience but courage and strength of character in the midst of pain, affliction, or hardship: to show fortitude in adversity. Stoicism is calm fortitude, with such repression of emotion as to seem almost like indifference to pleasure or pain: The American Indians were noted for stoicism under torture. 3. indefatigability, persistence, assiduity.

Without complaint, loss of temper, or irritation? Suppress restlessness or annoyance? Who exactly do they think I am? Superwoman?!?! Restlessness is the real big one for me here. I get so preoccupied and I spin myself in circles because, at that very moment, nothing and no one are as important as the situation at hand. I don't have any back burners. All of them are right up front. So what do I do? How do you learn patience without having to be subjected to something that would cause you impatience? If patience were a muscle, mine could barely lift a feather. Maybe I should think of it that way. Isn't the saying that you should "exercise patience?" Well that's no fun... And notice how submissiveness is mentioned in there too? And how many times is the word "pain" used? 4. Yep.
sub·mit  [suhb-mit]  verb, sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.
verb (used without object)
5. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
6. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
7. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.
1. comply, bow, obey, agree, resign. See yield.

Well I think we all know what "submit" means. We've all been though it. But I want your opinion on something. Here is an example of what I mean by trying to control the situation. Maybe you can tell me if I'm pushing things.

This morning, the stupid alarm went off and the designated time but we just did not want to get up. Hubby jokingly asked, "Why you gotta keep me up so late?" You see, last night we had a friend over and then after a drink too many, Hubby asked if I wanted to go watch a recorded show. I informed him that it was after midnight, so no, it's way too late. He came to bed. We played and experimented with something new. We passed out. And voilĂ ! It was morning before we knew it. My response to his question? "You could always impose a curfew!" He didn't say anything and I didn't push it. But is suggesting rules considered trying to control ttwd?

I figure that you can't be truly submissive and have no voice. You may be able to learn patience, but at what point do you say something?

I guess I'm a lot like my son in that I gotta keep asking to clarify so that I know that Hubby knows that there is a specific question on the table that I am trying to get answered without being too controlling and impatient.

What do you do?


  1. Yeah, it does sound like your asking for rules, suggesting them. But, the truth is, most guys don't do the reading, know what the possibilities are. We're usually way ahead of them in knowing what we want and need, if we're the ones who suggested DD. why not send him some written material, a few pieces, that have ideas of things that appeal to you, that resonate with you, that you think might be helpful for you. Talking things over and saying what you think and feel is not the same as directing or's expressing, and no new DD HOH can operate in a vacuum.

    Good luck!


    1. This starting over sucketh much. But I don't think ttwd will be like it was before. It can't be. He can't operate in a vacuum but I bet he wishing I would operate the vacuum. Sorry...couldn't help myself. ((hugs))

  2. Hey lilmisses. Some great advice here from Sara. I agree, talking to him about your feelings, what you think you need and will work for you is not the same as directing or controlling. Communication is also vital in any relationship but even more so in a ttwd relationship. Both parties need to be able to communicate their needs, thoughts etc.

    I don't think you were trying to control the situation in this instance


    1. It's a slippery slope and a fine line between communication and control. It's all in the approach. Am I coming to him with a submissive heart? I'm not sure...

  3. What those two said. :)

    We have learned (well, he figured it out) that when we are communicating with each other very well, I am rarely controlling. When our communication begins to break down, both my verbal and physical behavior changes.

    1. Sometimes I just wish he could read my mind...

  4. Hi Sweetie,
    Sara has some wonderful insights above.
    Getting started, or restarted in the case of you and your Hubby, is like dancing in a mine field. Everything is so emotionally charged and capable of having a double meaning, that we find ourselves second guessing everything. At least, I know I did.
    Somewhere in the midst of all that electricity, we have to be ourselves for anything genuine to happen.
    No wonder we see ourselves as contradictory.
    Hang in there, sweetie :D
    hugs and love
    I think what Sara and Roz are saying is spot on - communication, although wholly awkward at times, is the only thing that has ever truly worked for Ian and I.

    1. Thank you Lillie. I'm hanging...impatiently...but hanging nonetheless. It's funny how we can look at something that in and of itself seems so simple, until you turn it and realize that there are so many facets it may be impossible to fully comprehend. Ttwd seemed so simple... lol

  5. My hubby says so long as you both agree on the parameters then it is tickling round the edges to set those extra rules and to do that you have to communicate. He reckons that to a certain extent the women are in control because if not it can so easily turn into abuse. He is a very gentle HoH, and I would be happy if he was stricter,we are getting there slowly. The more I read to him the more he understands. Keep telking, love Jan.xx

    1. Hi Jan!
      My HoH is pretty gentle too. I should read to him. That's a good idea!

  6. I totally don't think talking is controlling... 'cause communication is key in any relationship and there is a difference between "this is how im feeling" or "have you considered" or "why do we do X instead of Y?" instead demanding... I dunno, I suck at it all :-p

    I am proud you, btw. I know it's gotta be hard to be back up on the horse and waiting for your leader to be as up on the horse as you are. :)

    1. Thank you. I feel like my horse is at the gate waiting to be let loose and my coach is him-hawing around. Oh well... ((hugs))