Roller Coaster

Yeasterday was so full of highs and lows I'm not even sure where to start explaining this roller coaster ride. I suppose I should start at the beginning...

I've been hiding my deep dark spanko secret for 30 years. Hubby and I have been married for almost 10 years. But I've always had a pretty strong sex drive, whereas he has not. I guess you could say we are wired exactly opposite. A week ago when I came out of the spanko closet (or woodshed?), we had fun for about 24 hours. Then he said something to me that floored me and completely shut me down. He said, "I feel like this is all you want me for." Granted, I'm not sure he was talking about spanking or sex, but I couldn't believe it. I was so taken aback that I couldn't even say anything but "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. I cried a lot.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that his statement really hurt me and I was very angry. I've spent the past 10 years encouraging him emotionally and in every other way he needed, no matter how much I disagreed with it. I would state that I didn't agree but I would support his decision because I love him and I want him to be happy. But he's never done that for me and DAMN IT!!! I need him to support me in my needs and not push me away just because he doesn't want to do what I want/need. After 30 years, this is a DESPERATE need. And after 10 years of sex once or twice a month, it's no longer about what he wants.

So this morning I let him have it. I was angry, and thanks to my amazing therapist, I was not going to shove it down and lock it away again. He didn't have a choice in the matter. He was going to hear me out and he was going to give me what I needed. No ifs, ands, or buts! At this point, I didn't care if it was just vanilla sex. I need him to touch me. I need him to kiss me and hug me and make passionate love to me. My self-worth is tied to his sexual attraction to me whether he likes it or not.

There were a lot of tears from me. Screamed whispers (we were in our office and my assistant could hear me if I actually talked). The "F" word. Anger. Resentment. I let it all out. He said "I'm sorry" again and again. He held me while I bawled. Yeah...I had the ugly cry going on. Sexy... But I said my peace. And he listened. And a while later we went to lunch. We talked about my sexual needs. We agreed that spanking in sex should be more like taking a vacation (as long as I get a "vacation" every couple weeks I'm fine) and not the norm. Then we went home to make mad, passionate love to each other. And it was HOT!

I dropped him back off at the office so he could tie up a few loose ends and get his motorcycle. I picked up the kids and we went shopping. Earlier, just before he and I went to lunch I emailed him some links to Taken In Hand and he read some while at the office. I was making dinner when he got home. I asked him what he thought of TIH and he was very upset. He said at one point he couldn't read any more because it reminded him of how Middle Eastern women are treated. He is so wrong. There is nothing in TIH that even hints at a comparison.

He did say that under no circumstance would he ever raise his hand to me. He would never punish me like a child. And he couldn't see raising our daughter in a house where she would witness such a thing. I never said I wanted to be punished for anything. I only said that there are varying degrees of TIH and I do not aspire to be even close to the Domestic Discipline side. I like spanking as an erotic thrill. Sure, I wrote a very detailed fictional account of what I fantasize about. And you know what that did for me? It gave me a voice. It made me speak up and tell him what I want. Because I am NOT worthless. Maybe it was a way of emotional self-spanking? Who knows. I just know that it's about time I quit pushing aside my feelings and stand up for myself. He's not a mind reader. He can't magically know what I want unless I tell him. So I did.

He doesn't mind taking more of a leadership role in the home but he refuses to take me in hand. I think this may require a lengthy email detailing everything that I believe is right and what I'm looking for. I guess I'm going to have to get to work on it...