Okay, confession time...
I hate the word naughty,
but there it is. I've been doing things I shouldn't and I know better.
I'm not intending to tell anyone. I haven't and I probably won't confess this to
Hubby (unless he's reading this now and in that case the jig is up). I
won't confess this to my therapist either. I really don't want a lecture
on how my behavior could strain my relationship or that I'm indulging
in sin. I know I am. I know I'm being bad. I feel guilty. Honestly, I
This is what has happened... I've been doing a
lot of research lately on adult spanking, Taken in Hand, Domestic
Discipline, and reading other blogs written by women who practice these
lifestyles. I've had a lot of questions, and a lot of questions have
been answered. But mostly I've seen a lot of pictures, most of which are
not appealing to me at all. But some, the ones that show spanking in
process (not the beaten and bruised bottom after), have been a real turn on for
me. I hate to admit it, but I've been getting quite aroused. Some of the
stories I've read have the same effect. And then there has been some
videos. Why oh why did I click on the links for those videos? It's like a
sudden obsession and I just can't stop myself. How do I know it's
wrong? Hubby came home suddenly and I jumped up and shut down the sites I
was perusing. I had a sense of guilt.
My other sin is
that I have been masturbating. 3 times in the past few days. I haven't
done that in 10 years. I had decided a long time ago that pleasuring
myself was like cheating on my husband. I want all my orgasms to be his.
So taking things into my own hands, so to speak, is very wrong in my eyes. But I
felt like I was going to explode and my husband isn't interested in sex
99% of the time.
At least my fantasies have always
included him spanking me, usually for some transgression. I can't even
begin to imagine what would happen if he were to walk in on me. Somehow I
don't think I would get a spanking for it. I think he would just turn
around and walk out. I would have to face him when I got my knickers
back up and tell him something...anything...I suppose we would talk
about it. But I would feel, and really do feel (even thought I haven't
been caught), really guilty. My guilt is not enough for me though. I
want to be punished so I won't do it anymore.
Maybe I'm misbehaving because
I want to be spanked? Maybe I want to feel guilty about something other
than my day to day failings. I want to let go of all this stress and
worry and have a truly cathartic release because my husband loves me so
much he wants me to do better.
The thing is, while
spanking is highly erotic for me, the punishment would occur first and
be followed by some amazing sex. I would still
get the effects of a sound punishment, but it would be all forgiven in
All of my transgressions are serious. Will I ever get punished? Doubtful. Masturbation?? Pornography??? What am I doing? Oh how I wish he would take me in hand already.