Confession Time

Okay, confession time...

I hate the word naughty, but there it is. I've been doing things I shouldn't and I know better. I'm not intending to tell anyone. I haven't and I probably won't confess this to Hubby (unless he's reading this now and in that case the jig is up). I won't confess this to my therapist either. I really don't want a lecture on how my behavior could strain my relationship or that I'm indulging in sin. I know I am. I know I'm being bad. I feel guilty. Honestly, I know...

This is what has happened... I've been doing a lot of research lately on adult spanking, Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, and reading other blogs written by women who practice these lifestyles. I've had a lot of questions, and a lot of questions have been answered. But mostly I've seen a lot of pictures, most of which are not appealing to me at all. But some, the ones that show spanking in process (not the beaten and bruised bottom after), have been a real turn on for me. I hate to admit it, but I've been getting quite aroused. Some of the stories I've read have the same effect. And then there has been some videos. Why oh why did I click on the links for those videos? It's like a sudden obsession and I just can't stop myself. How do I know it's wrong? Hubby came home suddenly and I jumped up and shut down the sites I was perusing. I had a sense of guilt.

My other sin is that I have been masturbating. 3 times in the past few days. I haven't done that in 10 years. I had decided a long time ago that pleasuring myself was like cheating on my husband. I want all my orgasms to be his. So taking things into my own hands, so to speak, is very wrong in my eyes. But I felt like I was going to explode and my husband isn't interested in sex 99% of the time.

At least my fantasies have always included him spanking me, usually for some transgression. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if he were to walk in on me. Somehow I don't think I would get a spanking for it. I think he would just turn around and walk out. I would have to face him when I got my knickers back up and tell him something...anything...I suppose we would talk about it. But I would feel, and really do feel (even thought I haven't been caught), really guilty. My guilt is not enough for me though. I want to be punished so I won't do it anymore.

Maybe I'm misbehaving because I want to be spanked? Maybe I want to feel guilty about something other than my day to day failings. I want to let go of all this stress and worry and have a truly cathartic release because my husband loves me so much he wants me to do better.

The thing is, while spanking is highly erotic for me, the punishment would occur first and be followed by some amazing sex. I would still get the effects of a sound punishment, but it would be all forgiven in tender lovemaking.

All of my transgressions are serious. Will I ever get punished? Doubtful. Masturbation?? Pornography??? What am I doing? Oh how I wish he would take me in hand already.