I know that some day, probably sooner rather than later, I'm going to share my new blog with my husband (and maybe even my therapist). I will not, however, let this eventuality keep me from unburdening my heart. Maybe this is the only way to make things seem less frustrating. Maybe this way I can let it go...
Ever since sharing my "dirty little secret" with my Hubby, I have been a sexual animal. I know I can't get spanked every night. I know that I'm being somewhat unrealistic about everything. But the truth is, I don't want to go back to the way things were. Having vanilla sex once or twice (if I was lucky) a month was not helping with my feelings of self-worth.
Today I pulled him into the bedroom while the kids were distracted with something on tv. I made my intentions clear (vanilla sex) and he turned me down. My heart hurt and I wanted to cry. Later on we talked about why I was being so grumpy. He told me that he feels that when he and I have time together all I want is sex. Maybe it's true, right now. It's not true of our 10 years together. And I've let him have his way most of our relationship. I let him turn me down time and time and freaking time again. Yes, I'm angry. But really do you blame me?
He is much to complacent about the fact that he has no sex drive. Never mind that it's completely un-guy like. Do you know any men that don't think about sex ever? And here I am, 41 years old with the sex drive of what?...umm...I dunno...a guy? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I'm just so tired of being neglected. I'm so tired of being turned down. I'm not asking for anything more than plain 'ol vanilla sex. Just act like you still find me attractive. Quit being so fucking defensive every time I bring up the fact that I don't think you want me anymore.
Sorry everyone. I'm letting off some steam. I love my husband dearly. He's really the nicest guy you'd ever meet. There are just certain things I have a harder time dealing with at times. This is just one of those times.
I'm sulking in my room as I write all this. Telling him how I feel won't help matters at all. He'll just tell me he's sorry I feel the way I do and that he wishes it wasn't so and we would go on through the rest of the night not having sex. I wish I knew why he doesn't want me. He says he does, but his actions don't show it. He'd rather be on his laptop engrossed in something entirely too geeky than to attend to his wife's needs.
I'm trying so hard not to be a "B". I'm trying to see it from his standpoint and yet all I can see is that he doesn't want me in that way. So not only have I been repressing my kinky spanko side for 30 years, but I'm married to a man that doesn't even want to have sex with me.
I don't know what to do other than cry. Really, I always hoped that he'd make me cry through a wonderfully intense spanking, not by hurting my feelings. I suppose my therapist would be happy that I'm at least letting it out. I'm not sure how she'd feel about my desire to be spanked until I cry. I haven't even told hubby about that. That will be an interesting conversation if we ever have it.
Until then, I will just have to live vicariously (and jealously) through everyone I meet in the spanko world.