A Bee in My Bonnet & This Means War

I am in a mood of sorts as of late. Call it a cranky mood. Call it a I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mood. Whatever...

So we don't watch the news in our home. We detest it. It's nothing but murder and weather and I can get the weather on my iPhone thank-you-very-much. Don't be surprised by my lack of knowledge of current events. So apparently there is this thing going on in the Middle East...who knew? Seriously, isn't there always something going on there? Well, now my 5 year old daughter knows too. How does she know, you ask?

There is a little boy in our neighborhood. He's about 8 and he plays with my son, who's 7, and my daughter. They race around the neighborhood on each other's scooters and bikes and what have you. It's a quiet place with very nice neighbors all around. But the boy's grandmother is something else. She's, shall we say...umm.... charismatic. She once told me that she watches the news and scours the internet for signs, like earthquakes, that will point to the coming of Christ and that she's in a group that concentrates on the information and shares it. Yeah...ummm... We are Christian. We believe that Jesus died for us. We fellowship with other Christians. We share our faith. We love. But we DON'T scare and alienate other people with our beliefs. This woman told my daughter there was going to be a big war. She's 5! She doesn't need to know what's going on outside her little world. Right now, she needs to concentrate on being 5, going to school, making friends, not being bossy to everyone, and just be a little girl. She does not need to have her innocence shattered and to have nightmares because of an old woman that can't keep her damn mouth shut. Okay...maybe I am a little more pissed about this that I thought. Deep breath...

So in my not-watching-the-news life, I still come across the news on the radio. None of it is very bad stuff. It's all pretty much the stuff they should show on the real news and keep the sensationalism out. Apparently Hostess, makers of high caloric but very yummy snacks, are going bankrupt. While I am glad the temptation will be removed from my sight, I will dearly miss my Suzie Q's, even thought I wouldn't be able to eat them until next year. No more for me! I am so sad.

I got up this morning to see my kids watching the news. Goofy children! News is not for kids. News is for people who like reality TV shows. No offense... I'm just not a fan of any reality show that promotes hostility, encourages promiscuity, or chooses to reveal the worst in people for ratings and the almighty dollar. I say a big NO to shows like Survivor, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and America's Next Top Model, as well as shows that revolve around idiots like the Kardashian's. Ugh...

I really need to get laid. And spanked apparently.

(((hugs)))

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HOLY COW!!! Where the heck have I been??? Well, let me tell you...I have gone completely insane lately.

First of all, I have been reading y'all's posts...well, until the past week. I found that while I loved the writing, I just had nothing intelligent to write back, so I didn't comment. That lead to some introspection about why I was feeling too inadequate to comment, which lead to me saying "screw it", and some of you emailing me to ask if everything was okay. Yes, everything is okay. I've just been inadequate and very busy.

I decided to go to school to become a nail tech. WHAT?!?!?! But you already have your own successful business and a fabulous Hubby and two beautiful little people... Aren't you too busy to go to school right now?

Yes. Yes I am. But, I'm doing it anyway. Without a creative outlet, I have a hard time coping with the rest of my life. Weird, huh? I'm a much happier person when I'm doing something crafty/girly/beady/knitty/etc-y. And you know what? I'm having fun. I'm meeting some wonderful people and I'm having a great time learning how to put on tips and do acrylics and gels, as well as all the steps to manis and pedis. Best of all, it's taking my mind off crappy things that are happening.

Crappy stuff happens to you too? Huh... I guess we can't be immune to it. I tell you what though...Ignorance is bliss. I'm much happier not knowing things. If the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I have no desire to know. I don't watch the news. I don't read the paper. My employees tell me stuff sometimes. Really, I'm good not knowing.

Back to other things...Why am I going to school? Because I want to be able to volunteer my time at nursing homes/care facilities and do manis on old ladies and talk with them about the good ol' days. I have a soft spot for them.

And what is happening with DD? Nothing. We are just kind of back to normal. Almost like it was a phase. Don't get me wrong, some things have changed a lot. Hubby is still HoH. But my submissive nature mixed with his kindheartedness means that there is no 2nd D. There's just the first one mixed with some erotic spanking on occasion (if I ever get off my stupid period! I swear that ever since I got this IUD, I've been spotting or ragging the entire time. It's been almost 2 months!). That's what makes this ttwd I guess. I'm done trying to change him. He will change when he thinks it's time to and no sooner. He is in charge after all.

It is time to put my babies to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. I promise I will try to comment on your posts, even if it is just to give you ((hugs)).

What's the Word I'm Looking For??

I got a comment last night on my last post and I just have to share it with everyone. It comes out of the blue with a really good question that not only made me laugh, but made me really think. Check it out...

Maybe you guys can help me? I'm trying to find the right word for something. You know when you want sex, you say "I'm Horny." There's no denying what it means, no confusing it with any other desire. Being 'horny' means only one thing. Well there needs to be a word for when you just need a spanking!! I don't care if it's made up or an actual word. But there must be something that says, "I NEED a spanking! I'm feeling rambunctious and naughty and tumultuous and insecure and stressed out and there's only one thing I need and want that will calm me down! PUT ME OVER YOUR KNEE!" My husband and I have been trying to think of a word. The only thing I can come up with that's close is "Spanksual" (Spank-Shoo-ul). But it's not quite right. It's more like for use as in "Just looking at the collection of implements gets me thinking Spanksual thoughts." It's not quite how to describe the 'Horny' Need/Wanton Desire for the only thing that will satisfy it. Any ideas??
-Ses Q. Padalian

Yep. That's what I thought. Why isn't there a word for that? I read this to Hubby and he was quiet for a moment. I thought maybe he was into his book or something, but he was formulating the perfect word...

Posterical

LMAO! Hubby is a funny guy. Leave it to him to come up with something so...so...goofy. It just may stick though. Well...unless you have a better idea? Come on friends and lurkers! Give it your best shot!

What word would you make up for this?

A Good BAD Girl

I loves me some good girl spankins! I got one this morning so we could try out the new implements. Boy oh boy oh boy do they sting! Let me introduce you to them...

Meet my 5 fingered friend. It's leather and quite stingy. It's quite a bit wider than I thought, but that's okay. Since it's stiff still, the very ends make the most contact and it hurts like the dickens. Once it softens, I'm sure it will spread the sting more evenly. I look forward to that. I'm a big leather fan! It's very quiet compared to the leather paddle I have.

And then there is the EVIL wooden holey paddle. This little monster is probably going to replace the hairbrush for corrective actions. Hubby just barely let the paddle fall on my behind and it stung and made me jump. I'm sure he will want to play with it some more to see how much I can take. I like some wooden implement play, but this one is going to take some getting used to! It's much quieter than the hairbrush.

Of course I had to try out a cane. I must say that I'm not too thrilled with it. It doesn't sting so much as hurt like the dickens. I can't put it in the stingy or the thuddy category. It's different than that. I imagine that I could get used to it if we played with it in the right way, but I definitely don't want to use it for a corrective action. It also makes me glad I stayed away from anything like the Loopy Johnny! We will have to be careful with this one... Extremely quiet except for my squeals of fear.

So now you've met my new frienemies (btw I hate that term but I didn't know how else to describe them). We will see who I end up hating/loving. They are all very well made and I think they will last a very long time. Shipping was super fast! Visit Cane-iac for all your spanking needs. I know I will go back again! (No, I'm not a reviewer. I bought everything I got from their store. They don't even know I'm writing this.)

We now have a new problem though. We need a bigger box! It's full of goodies and the newest ones don't quite fit all the way in. I'm thinking a box with a lock on it would be good. Then we could keep it under the bed instead of trying to hide it in the closet. Anyone have any suggestions?

I do have to blame all of this on one lovely lady... Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts is such a great connector. I've gotten to read all kinds of blogs I never would've found and I definitely would not have met my new blogger bloomer friends. Plus, she added me when I was still fresh to this and I got so many readers that I definitely wouldn't have had. I love that you can see all the bloomers by type and it's all color coded and nifty. Definitely speaks to my need for organization. Super big ((((((hugs)))))) for Bonnie, you are one BAD girl! We appreciate you immensely!

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 

I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   

You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  

Big jerk...

Mick is Back - Just Relocated...

Did you see it? Did you see it????

Mick is back! I could not be more thrilled! He has relocated to Mick and Lynda's Place. I am so relieved. I was hoping he wouldn't be gone forever. There are very few HoH bloggers bloomers out there and us girls appreciate the other side's point of view.

Welcome back Mick! 

A New Look and a CoolAss

So I've gone and done it now! I decided to go with a different look to my blog. It's still dark but hopeful, a turquoise rose in bloom. I only wish it had rounded corners. It feels like it should be rounded.

Not much has been happening here except an emotional apocalypse that I will write about later. It's a lot of me being impatient, selfish, and trying to control things that are not mine to control. You all know what that's like, right? RIGHT????

It's our busy season and orders are coming in droves. I'm not complaining. After all, I got to hire a new employee; a fellow mom who needed work because her husband doesn't get paid enough and times is hard (all you grammarians out there can keep your panties on, I did that on purpose).

I haven't seen any paddles or hairbrushes as of late. All's quiet in my neck of the woods. As a matter of fact, Hubby gave me a most unexpected kiss this morning. He's in a great mood. It could be because I got him a CoolAss. Yes, you read that right! A CoolAss is a cover for a motorcycle seat to keep it cool and dry. It gets awful hot here in Florida and his motorcycle seat gets downright unbearable. So now, we both have cool a$$es; his because of the cover and mine because of the lack of spankings. I really wouldn't mind having mine a little warmer though...

((hugs))