Someone Else's Kids + Download

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. It started out okay from what I remember  I was pretty excited because we just had a business meeting, and while I was still unsure of where I was going with it, I still got some really good advice.

Since the lunch meeting was concluded by 1:10, I knew I would be early to my 2pm therapist appointment. This would be the first time ever I would be early/on time! I was jazzed. But then it happened...

The railroad crossing lights started flashing. Some cars sped up, some slowed. I, who am used to being late, forgot that I had plenty of time to spare and flipped over into aggressive driver mode.

I assumed the woman in front of me was going to punch it, and in preparation for that move, I too started to accelerate with a quickness. She stopped short. I slammed on my breaks, but it was too late. I slammed into her. And lest I neglect to mention it, I had my phone in my hand at the time of the accident.

I was not texting. I was trying to call a company and couldn't figure out why I was getting this weird message. I think that at the split second that I had to react to impending collision, I was lost in a thought while looking at my phone. Now, before you start yelling at me, just know that I have been properly chastised by many in the ttwd community already. Read the rest of the post, and you will see why this will NEVER EVER happen again.

Her Car

My car (after I put the center pieces back in)

As you can see by the pics, the damage was minimal. My van was more damaged than her car. A little trading of paint. I have a few cracks in the bumper. Did I mention she was driving a brand new 2013 Mercedes? Yeah... I am not sure I could've hit a more expensive car.

She was so sweet about the whole thing. Both of us were shook up. We ended up hugging. I felt so bad. She knew she stopped short. I knew I was following too close. I didn't mention the phone. I did get a ticket for careless driving. In order to keep the points off my record, I have to do a 4 hour online class. I've done this class before, and let me tell you, it is painful. They have a timer, so you can't just test and get it over with. You have to sit at your computer for 4 full hours. The last time I got a ticket, it was for speeding, and I think the cop was full of it but there's no fighting the cops in our town. They get paid overtime to show up to court and it's always their word against ours. Thankfully, this accident happened a few towns over and the cop was really nice.

You would think that the accident would've been enough to make me never want that stupid phone in my hand while driving again, but no. I didn't think twice when texting someone later on. It's become such a habit, that who knows how much time I spend on my phone while driving. But it didn't seem to matter to me, and that really bothered me.

Hubby hinted at a spanking later, but he wasn't really serious. When I spoke with him about the situation, he said that the same thing could've happened to him. He wasn't so happy to hear that the incident didn't change my behavior. I felt guilty as hell. As we spoke, I could feel the weight of my errors crushing me. I started to cry. I told him I felt really guilty about it and he offered to help me with a spanking. I agreed.

He started with the cane, which really surprised me, but this was serious spanking. He lectured me on how he needed me and the kids needed me. He couldn't lose me over something as stupid as a phone. He switched to the "closer" and said the one thing that made it all clear to me, "What if it were someone else's kids you killed because you were being careless?" I completely lost it. My life doesn't mean as much as it should to me. But to kill someone else's kids? Because I wanted to check my email? That was the clencher. And that is why I will NEVER EVER do it again. The spanking hurt. The words hurt worse.

My phone now has a designated cubby in the car where it will be the entire time I am driving. If I need to look at something, check for directions, make a phone call, or text someone, I can pull over and get my phone out. There are plenty of parking lots around and no excuses.

Furthermore, I made a lock-screen wallpaper for my phone. Any time I push a button to wake it up, the picture there is enough to catch my attention. I am sharing it with you so if you would like, you can use it on your phone. I can alter it for you if you would like, just email me. Here's how it looks on my phone:

And here is the pic you can copy for yours:

Please trust me that this will never happen again. I am so sorry about it. And I have paid, and will continue to pay for a while to come, the price for my poor decisions. I will never do it again. And I hope that if you have this habit, that you will take into consideration what is at stake here. It's not just your life, or the lives of your family, but other's too. If that lady didn't have her foot on the brake, I could've pushed her into the path of an oncoming train. I know this. My eyes are open, and from now on, they are on the road, not on my stupid phone.

And if for some reason I backslide, my phone will be taken away from me and replaced with a flip phone that has no access to anything. But trust me, this won't happen. My phone will always remind me that it's a bad idea.

Please be kind in your comments. I'm already sorry.

(((hugs)))

Meme Hubby Style

I've seen this meme going around and seriously, I was not going to do it until I read Terp's answers and realized how much we have in common. I figured I'd better share too.

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Nascar, hockey, or if I'm there, something we've dvr'd.

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Blue cheese

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?
His dark hair and seriously long eyelashes, that thankfully both of our kiddos inherited.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?
Beer. Usually Yling Yling or Mich Ultra.

5. Where did he go to high school?
In the same city we live in now. He hopes our kids graduate from their too.

6. What size shoe does he wear?
10.5-11 depending on the shoe, but usually 11.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
If we had the space for it, that would probably be motorcycles. He has a passion and fascination with them.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
The man is a fan of food. He will eat just about any sandwich but his favorite is an Italian sub.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
He couldn't eat the same thing every day. He would go crazy.

10. What is his favorite cereal?
He doesn't like cereal. He loves making himself a pork roll sandwich for breakfast a few times a week.

11. What would he never wear?
Glitter. The man hates glitter with a passion. When our daughter was in preschool it was literally torture for him to have to reach down into her backpack and come out with a handful of the stuff.

12. What is his favorite sports team?
He follows NASCAR and NHL. He likes Brad Keselowski and Kyle Busch. And we go for the home team for hockey, or whomever is closest geographically.

13.Who did he vote for?
We voted opposite.

14. Who is his best friend?
He's always been weird about friends. I guess I would say its a guy who lives less than a mile away. And now he and his kids go to church with us. He's a good friend.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
Be clutteriffic. The man feels absolutely devastated by a messy house. But he married me anyway. Go figure...

16. What is his heritage?
Italian and Polish

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?
He loves him some ice cream cake.

18. Did he play sports in high school?
He was a cheerleader. He used to get teased by the football team for being gay but then he'd say to the captain, "Ha! I get to put my hands on your girlfriends butt!" And he'd laugh and laugh.

19. What could he spend hours doing?
Programming on his computer. The man is a total geek.

20. What is one unique talent he has?
He can melt me into a puddle in a split second with the touch of his hand.

This was interesting. I'm not a big fan of memes, but this one was okay. Kinda fun actually.

Does your HoH have anything in common with mine?

(((hugs)))

She's NOT a Child: HoH PoV

First, I want to thank all that contributed to this post. HoH's and TiH alike have been very forthcoming and it's really helping me put together a clearer picture. Ttwd isn't easy and it takes a lot of bravery to share your innermost thoughts on such an intimate topic.

My last post, I'm NOT a Child, received quite a few comments from other TiH about how they felt about their relationships and how they don't feel as though they are just another child that has to be dealt with. There is great wisdom in their words and, if you haven't already, you should go back and read the comments. It was an eye opener for me. Hubby did not have the same take on it. He was still feeling the same way about it so I decided on a different course of action. I set out to ask HoH's their points of view. If there is anything a man can understand, it's another man, right?

So I wrote an email and sent it out. If you didn't get one, don't worry. It's not because I skipped you. It's either that I sent one but never got answered, or I forgot. Please, by all means, leave your answers to these questions in the comments. I want to get as full a picture as I can...for Hubby's sake.

Here's the email:

Hubby and I are at a strange point in our relationship. He feels that punishing me would be too much like treating me like I'm another child in our house. I wrote a blog post on Monday about the DD relationship and how I am not a child, even though I get spanked, etc. I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of great answers from all my fellow TiHers. Hubby read everything, but is still not really convinced. I was wondering if your HoH would be willing to answer a few questions to help out my HoH. I would also like to take all the answers I get and compile them into a post for my blog. Would that be okay?
Here are the questions (I stole them from my last blog post):
1. How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?
2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?
3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?
4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?
5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?
Thanks so much for your help! I think it will help Hubby to hear a POV from the men. If you can think of any other advice, please feel free to add it. Also, if you think of an HoH that could answer this, please feel free to forward this email to them.
Thanks so much!

The answers came in from all over, so I will color code them for you.
1.  How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?

There is an agreement between two adults, where a child has no voice in the matter. And if it is done as a punishment ( as you know we haven't done that very often) it is still a reconnection between to adults to re-establish boundaries.  Again brought to the husband from the wife, in both our cases.  Whereas when you punish a child it is merely a deterrent for future behaviours, and it is a closure of an issue or bone of contention ( clean slate) between a husband and wife.  ~ Barney 

Originally, with great difficulty, but it is only a perception.  We like to think that as we get older we lose our childish behaviours, but in reality they become ingrained in our adult lives as a "given right".  An example:  We went to school there was always a group of kids that felt entitled, because of money, looks, etc.  this is a childish behaviour we hope they would grow out of, and today we have a coffee chop in town and there is two tables in the centre and an "elite" (in their minds) group of people consider them their tables, everyone subtly knows to side around the outside ring.   Now it is considered a given that they are entitled and the rest of us are not - this is a childish way of behaving.  My beautiful wife, as much as she is a mature woman, can exhibit behaviours that are negative to her well being, to our marriage, etc… as her husband, and the leader in the family, I am the authority and decide what is acceptable and what is not.  ~ Ian (at Ian and Lillie's Place) 

There is nothing about the way we do dd that is parent/child like.  We've avoided that completely b/c to be honest, the very idea is creepy.  The fact that this requires consent between the two of us makes all the difference in the world. ~ Susie & MM 

We address adult issues that involve adult emotions.  We communicate as adults.  There's no sense of "teaching right from wrong" in our marriage as there would be in a parent/child dynamic.  My wife already knows right from wrong when it comes to morals, ethics, legal matters, etc., as do I.  Our dynamic is about doing what's best for the overall safety and well-being of the family and working toward the goals we both have for the family as a whole.  Honestly it's nothing like a parent/child dynamic at all, but I think someone hesitant to start the lifestyle or a naysayer wouldn't completely understand that until they actually experience and FEEL the lifestyle after practicing it themselves. ~ Clint & Chelsea

2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?

When you 'warn or scold ' your wife, it is more of a ' this is going to be detrimental to our relationship and dynamic' as opposed to , this is not what society accepts,or proper behaviour  which is why we do this for our children.  We are raising our children to face the world, we are trying to grow as a couple in a way that has us respectful towards each other.  Between a husband and wife it is how words make us feel, whereas when we 'correct' our children it is societal. In all honesty (Wilma speaking now) we as women KNOW how to behave, but our emotions run free with our husbands, both in a negative and a positive way.  But if we do that in a way that is detrimental to our relationship, we need you to give us pause.  ~ Barney 

In my opinion only, warning and scolding are a part of modern marriages in some ways.  Scolding might come in the form of the silent treatment, or refusal to engage in things that interest your spouse, holding back sex, etc.  Many of these ways of relating anger or disappointment are very detrimental to a marriage.   If you have a consensual agreement to use tools like spanking to work through problems, that is so much different than the relationship between a parent with children.  ~ Ian  

Warning and scolding only have a place when we are tackling something new--it comes into play when an old habit breaks loose and I need some help to overcome it.  We've tackled bunches of these over the past two years but again, it's not like talking down to a child.  It is about pointing out to me when I'm doing something, b/c it is so ingrained that I usually don't realize it.  Once I realize it, it becomes my responsibility to tackle it and really give it my best effort.  When I won't or don't..that's when spanking becomes a harsh reality. ~ Susie & MM 

Warnings, "scoldings" (although I wouldn't say I ever "scold" my wife - we simply discuss matters), and spankings all result from some sort of bending or breaking of consensually agreed upon rules for the marriage.  With a parent/child dynamic, the child doesn't necessarily understand or consent/agree to the rules the parent puts in place for them.  In a DD marriage, both spouses discuss and agree to rules, fully understanding what will happen if they're broken.  That's the biggest difference.  And, as I briefly touched on in my answer to the first question, the emotions are much more sophisticated, complex, and "adult", and the issues/actions/behaviors being addressed are much more mature, intricate and "adult" as well.  ~ Clint & Chelsea

3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?

When Wilma is punished in her case it is more of a clean slate mind set.  She has regret for her actions.  Punishment is more that for her and for me, so we can move on.  There isn't a feeling of closure when we punish our children.  I am more confident in punishing my wife, because she has asked me to, and I trust that this works for her, than I am with punishing my children. ~ Barney

4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?

No absolutely not.  I have never really thought about it.  Again because she brought this to me and she doesn't feel that way either.  To her this is a symbol of my strength and confidence, and perhaps they did see that in their fathers, but this isn't what it is about to HER ,therefore it isn't to me. ~ Barney 

I will admit that I always felt like I should be filling the role of a father figure in my family, and that began from the time I knew that I wanted to marry Lillie and be a family.  It was a very surprising realization, because I was aware that I wanted to protect her, but she wouldn't let me be that person in the marriage.  I was a power struggle for years and years.  Dd was the beginning of a new life.   When I was finally able to get past that idea that I was "playing" at being a father to my wife, and see it as a consensual leadership role, a responsibility,  it felt very natural, as though I finally had the ability to do what I was meant to do.  Actually, and I think this is true of a lot of non dd marriages, the husband is doing it anyway, as  I did before, I just didn't have a mechanism to deal with some of the things that I had to protect her from.  Imagine being an authority figure or a parent with no way to discipline.  ~ Ian 

He says not and there have been times that I have felt stupid for needing his help with things but one of the ways we try to stay away from it is by avoiding things that feel childish to us (and that doesn't mean that it feels that way for others.)  No corner time (he tried it--train wreck), no writing lines or essays or anything like that.   If we had children, we would likely not spank so even that gets separated out as an adult activity.  ~ Susie & MM 

No, I don't.  I'm not her dad, I'm her husband.  I feel like an equal partner doing my part in making the marriage and home as safe, secure, stable, happy, and harmonious as possible.  Again, I don't punish my wife to teach her right from wrong.  She already knows right from wrong.  I punish to keep the direction of our marriage and family in line with the long-term goals we both envision for our future. ~ Clint & Chelsea

5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?

No I don't see Wilma as a child, but I can understand how that can be confusing.  I think I still see us as a partnership.  I don't see me as superior to Wilma.  She has asked for my help and this is something I can do for her, which in turn is for us. ~ Barney 

I did struggle to become comfortable with the idea in the beginning.  However, that struggle was short lived because  the benefits of the lifestyle became apparent, and so I gradually put more faith into the process and it just grew into what we have.   I would say, give it a chance.  Look at it this way:  My wife loves to receive flowers from me.  When I make the effort, it has an obvious effect on her.  So, I do it because she needs those little things.  Most men do similar things in one way or another, and even if you can't see what the benefit is in this lifestyle in the beginning, if she needs it, if she is asking for it, you owe it to her to give it your best effort.  I was really unsure when I got the first help from Mick.  It seemed wrong somehow, but I made the decision to give my wife what she needed and now looking back, it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage.  ~ Ian 

I think at the core of our Dd and seeing it on adult terms is the reality that each of us are responsible adults.  Every couple is different and every woman needs different things.  My husband does not micromanage, nor would he except in extreme circumstances.  There are no chore lists, no things to get done and only a handful of rules.  We are both expected to keep our ends of the bargain in taking care of our lives and he simply wouldn't be comfortable with spanking me for not getting work done.  LOL...as you know, I have the opposite problem.  Our Dd focuses on my emotional needs, helping me stay centered.  When I start straying from that center I get feisty and disrespectful.  That's the stuff that I get spanked for and it brings me back around.  I will disobey him sometimes or blatantly go against his wishes and that is almost always about grabbing for control.  He cracks down on that stuff like a crazy man...and so he should.  All that to say that we have found the core of why we need this, what it works for.  As each couple does that, I think they find how to do all of this in a very adult way and as you do, I hope some of the worries of your husband disappear.  This is all about what the two of us/the two of YOU need.  It takes a long time to figure that out.  We have to do our parts in improving on the things that they decided they really care about.  To spank for the same thing over and over is very defeating and no man wants to do it.  For us that has taken a lot of communication as I try to tell him how I'm working at something and he continues to use the physical discipline to reinforce things till I conquer a problem.  The other kinds of spankings--the ones that are about helping me get centered...they aren't going away and everything about them is adult like for us.  ~ Susie & MM 

Before we began domestic discipline I (Chelsea) wondered this question a lot- how is this NOT treating me like a child, and how does this not make him like a father figure? However, once we tried and experienced it, I realized it was absolutely nothing like a parent/child relationship. We've now been practicing domestic discipline for a long time and I never once have felt any differently towards my husband. He's my husband, and that feeling has never changed. So, this question is hard for me to answer because there really was nothing for me to move past. Once we began practicing, the feeling to me instantly did not feel like a father/child one. ~ Clint & Chelsea

I was very impressed by the variety of answers. This once again goes to show that ttwd is unique to every couple. No one will have the same take, but we all understand our relationship as it is.

Thank you everyone for your input! Again, if you would like to add to this, please leave a comment, with the question number you are responding to. Thanks so much!

(((hugs)))

I'm NOT a Child

I discovered something yesterday. Call it that feeling of safety, of being cherished, of feeling loved and protected. When Hubby covers my hands with his, I feel all those things and more. It's an amazing and quite surprising feeling. Its effects lingered all day. My hand, so small in his. I could feel my weakness and his strength all at once. What a wonderful feeling! I felt endeared to him, like I was nothing but his and his alone and he was mine. I felt so small and fragile, just with the little gesture of his hands covering mine.

Now Hubby has mentioned on several occasions that he doesn't want me to be another one of his kids that he has to watch all the time. This subject came up again last night. Not so much in those exact words, but a variance to be sure. He feels that if he has to tell me to "watch my tone", and that is exactly what he would have to tell one of our kids, then it is like he's treating me like a child instead of his partner.

Some men like that. Some men refer to their spouse as "baby girl" or some other term that puts them in that special place. Some TiH refer to their HoH as "Daddy". I call Hubby "Daddy" and he calls me "Mama", but it's all because of our kids. We still do it even though our kids are 6 & 8. For us, it's not really any more roll affirming than calling each other "Hon". We often refer to each other as "Lover", and it doesn't even carry any sexual meaning to it.

Even though we have firmly established that he is HoH, and I am mildly TiH, the question still remains; How do we make sense of this arrangement without him feeling like he has to treat me like a child? Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship? 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to take me in hand for all it's worth and help me see my behavior is not working for us but against us (I don't always know I'm doing it). How can he do this without feeling like I'm just another child he has to deal with? I'm at a loss to explain it to him. My older brother once shouted at me, "If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!" But I don't act like a child on purpose, at least not most times. It's my personality. I pout. I shut down. I distance. I yell back. I disrespect him in front of our kids and his friends. I don't do what he asks, only because I don't want to. I procrastinate. I am guilty of all these things and more. Can it be as simple me acting like a child, inadvertently or otherwise, that I deserve to be treated like one? How do I explain to Hubby that this isn't about the parent/child relationship, but more? How do you rationalize it?

We've already started down this path, so we aren't turning back. We are getting great results. Last night we had several breakthroughs while I endured paddling. I was spilling tears before we even started, but that's a story for my next post.

If you can, just please tell me ways to explain it to Hubby so he doesn't feel so...weirded out(?) about DD. I'm not asking him to be my daddy and I'm certainly not his baby girl. He already has one of those and she's got him wrapped around her 6 year-old little pinky finger. Sucker...

(((hugs)))

Fear and Longing

Look! It's my brain!!!

So much about this DD ride can be so confusing. Take for instance Sunday night. It was nothing short of perfect. Hubby took me to a place that I needed to be. He did everything right.

And then he left...

He realized later that night that he had to go to a meeting that was 4 1/2 hours away. This meant that after not seeing much of each other all Monday, he had to take off after one of the kid's sporting events. He drove until 11 pm, found his hotel, spent the night, did his meeting thing, and then got home at dinner time. Since he was up until 2 am, he was exhausted when he got home, and I was irritated.

I had done nothing but obsess about him the entire time and he just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to serve him with all of my being and I felt like I was being ignored. I needed him to be in the same place I was and he just wasn't. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't talk to him. I got angry, hurt, and frustrated. We weren't communicating in the same language. I would say one thing, and he would hear another.

There's a great analogy of how men and women communicate. A man will go look in his closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." What he means is that there are no clothes in the closet because they are in the laundry. A woman will go to her closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." Of course she means that she doesn't have anything to wear that will fit her needs at the time. There are plenty of clothes in the closet. She just doesn't like any of them.

I feel that way when I talk to Hubby. I say I need "motivation" and he hears "nagging" instead of what I mean, which is really spanking and/or the threat thereof. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me just say that we are all different in our needs of ttwd. Some just need the idea. Some need the action. Some need the guilt. Some need praise. We all need love in our own way. For me this means that I need to feel Hubby's dominant presence. I need to be afraid that I will be spanked beyond anything I've experienced if I don't comply. Fear motivates me (at least I think so right now). Not fear of Hubby (I'll never fear him. He's too lovable!). Fear of consequences. It's always what kept me in line when I was younger.

For some, it's not fear but guilt. Guilt can motivate me too, to some extent. Thanks to a long chat with Willie, who can throw a guilt bomb like nobody's business, I realized that if not fear as the motivation, maybe I think about it in terms of what Hubby feels about certain things. That, my friends, is a fine guilt bomb if I ever saw one. And it's not the guilt where I beat myself up. It's the guilt that causes me to take action because I can't stand the thought of him hating a situation that he should love (dirty vs clean home) and that I have control over.

Pleasing him does not motivate me. It should, but it doesn't. That makes me feel bad that it doesn't, but does not cause me to take action. Don't get me wrong, I love to make Hubby happy. But if he were to ask me to do something because it would please him, I may start but I won't finish. But... Had he caught me in the time after the big spanking but before I got derailed, when I would do anything to serve him, then yes; I would've gone to the ends of the earth to please him. But it took spanking me until I cried to achieve that. It took pain, fear of more pain, and panic. I rode that post-spanking high for 24 hours. If he could've been home, I would've done anything for him. What power he wields over me!

I got spanked again last night. It wasn't near the intensity. He lectured about my half-finished cleaning projects. He talked about how we need to be a good example to our children. He talked about how he doesn't want to nag me and that we've already got 2 brats, he doesn't need another one. That got me thinking about if needing to be spanked was childish, and if not, then what is it? Because I don't think it is. What say you?

So many things whirling in my head! I need a glass of wine...

(((hugs)))

He Did It and Is This Normal?

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I've had a million post titles run thought my head: Saddle Sore, Shaken not Stirred, My Place...I finally settled for what you see up there, and at the point that I am writing this, I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind is in a confused jumble of emotions I don't know how to begin to process. I guess I should explain what happened...

Hubby took me in hand last night. He stepped up big time. He said he had time to think and he knows what I need. He lectured and spanked, lectured and spanked, and lectured and spanked some more. He said so much last night that I can't begin to remember it all. I'm not even sure how most of you remember what's being said as you are being spanked.

He told me so much; everything I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was encouraging, supportive, stern, loving, and controlled. He spoke carefully, definitively, about how he was going to lead our household and start setting things right.  He talked about how we need to start reading the Bible with the kids and start living like God would want instead of squandering what He has given us. He talked about how we need to be an example to our kids, how I'm not always going to want to do what he needs me to, and how sometimes he may get frustrated, and how that may mean consequences, and how I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and how he's watched me for 12 years and knows me and what I can handle and knows what I can't.

In the end, he pulled out the wood paddle with the holes to help drive his point home. He calls it "the closer", but based on my reaction to it, he wants to call it "the defibrillator". It stings like crazy!!! He spanked relentlessly and I went into a panic. I lost control. I couldn't be still. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything. I was confused and in an adrenaline tailspin. It was the tipping point. I'm not sure when, but he stopped the spanking and laid on top of me and I started to cry. It's wasn't the cry I expected. I thought it would be a culmination of all the guilt I was carrying. I thought it would be the guilt that pulled me into tears. But it wasn't. The panic, the adrenaline... I couldn't catch my breath and the tears came between gasps.

I felt a deep remorse, a desire to make things right. I cried "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" over and over again. He held me tightly and comforted me. He was the strong man I always needed him to be. He did everything right. He is amazing. I want nothing more than to please him. And maybe that's why I was crying. I was stuck in a rut where I knew I wasn't pleasing him and I'm not sure I wanted to. He pulled me out of it and put me in my place. No, not "my place" as in where a woman belongs or some nonsense. He put me in the place that I belong; the safe, warm place where I can relax because I know that he's got me.

This morning, I am filled with so many emotions and I'm not sure what they all are. I feel liberated and excited. At the same time, I feel tentative and sober. I feel afraid because this is a new change and I hate change. But I need this change. I need it desperately. I feel like I want to cry and rejoice all at once. I feel alive. I feel connected, not just to him, but to others too. I want to go around hugging everyone. I feel what he wanted me to feel; empowered.

I'm grateful to Hubby for spanking me to tears. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I'm afraid it will happen again, and yet I need it to happen again and again and again. I need to be pushed over the brink and to fall into his safe and loving embrace. I need to push and feel his strength in return.

So there you have it. DD is in full force. We are back in the saddle, this time with the intention to ride it out, for as long as we both shall live. The veil has been lifted. He is HoH. I am TiH. I am his fully, completely.

But what is this jumble in my head? Is this normal? I don't remember being able to feel more than one emotion at a time and yet it feels as though they have come out all at once. Do you know what I mean?

(((hugs)))

Need Art of Lecture Advice

Pretty simple, huh? Eh...

Yesterday I texted Hubby with this request:

Need a reassurance/reminder spanking. Reminder that you are in charge and will protect me. Reassurance that everything will be okay and about how you feel about me.

Well, the spanking did happen. It was hard. It was intense at times. What it was not was a whole lot of talking. He did say things like, "I'm so glad you are not trying to control everything anymore," and "I will always be here for you. I will always protect you." But it was a few words between volleys of swats. It didn't do for me what I needed it to and I'm not sure if it was because I went into it with a certain expectation that I was going to be put into that head-space.

It is possible that my expectation was that lecturing comes naturally to men. My dad lectured me nonstop when I was a kid and he still tries to. Hubby is still very new to HoHing and, while lecturing the kids is easy enough, lecturing his wife is quite another. He doesn't want to treat me like a child. But I think that lecturing is a matter of intent, not age.

I cannot tell him how to lecture. That is not something that comes easily to me either. I'm a thinker, a writer, a "Why didn't I think to say that?"-er. I spend a lot of time gauging the possible/probable reaction to what I say because I worry about the consequences. Thankfully, lecturing is not expected of me.

So Hubby needs help. He won't research it on his own, so I will have to read to him whatever we are advised. Any help you could offer would be great. I think we both need to get into that space where spanking makes a difference.

Your thoughts?

(((hugs)))

TransParent

Yesterday being Easter, we spent the day at church and with family. Hubby lead a Christian Seder, which only seemed truly appreciated by the children. His uncle and grandma were there along with his sister, her husband, their kids, and of course his mother and step-father. Anytime you get the family together it becomes a game of talking about the least desirable person, usually me. Well yesterday was no exception.


Hubby's grandma (let's just call her my Grand Mother in Law, or GMIL for short) has never thought we were doing anything right. When she first visited our warehouse 3 years ago, where we make and distribute our products, she said that we were pissing our money away and Hubby should be working for someone and saving for retirement. We are a great disappointment to her. She's in her 80's, cranky as all get out, and not afraid to tell anyone her unsolicited opinions. She just asks questions and retorts with all the flaws in one's thinking.

So really it should have come to no surprise when she went on a tirade against me at dinner. I was blindsided by it. She asked if we still had that RV (we got rid of it...unwillingly) and I told her no but that I was thinking about getting a smaller, van-like version of an RV for my mobile nail business. She started asking questions in her usual grumpy, I'm-out-for-blood manner. How was I going to make any money starting a new business? I have an assistant; so why would I pay her for work I should be doing anyway? I am spending money on things when I need to be keeping my business going. I shouldn't have an assistant. I should be doing the work. After all, my first business isn't making me rich. How am I going to buy a house when I don't have any money? She went on about how I'm "pissing" my money away and why am I not saving it and blah blah blah. I forgot about the incident at the warehouse until that moment. But I was in too much shock to tell her where to stick it.

Hubby was not at the table when this was going on. MIL only heard the last part of the conversation, so she didn't say anything. SIL and her husband were across the table, but they just kept their mouths shut. No one came to my defense. I had no witty comebacks and everything I said sounded like I was on the defense, which of course I was.

To drive her point home, GMIL started asking SIL about what she's doing. SIL is going to school full time to become a physical therapist, a doctorate degree. She stayed at home with her kids until they both started going to school full time and then decided to further her own education. She married rich. Her husband has an amazing job with lots of benefits and a huge salary. Because his job takes him from home a lot, SIL is following in the footsteps of her mother and grandma; she is in charge...of EVERYTHING. GMIL sounded like she was going to go on the warpath with SIL, but SIL answered all the questions correctly. When it came to questions of the kids, her homework, and even the sneaky one about who cleans the house, she passed with flying colors.

When it came time for GMIL to leave, she half hugged me and Hubby and said good-bye. She spoke with SIL and her husband loud enough to make sure I heard her say "Good-bye. Love ya. You guys are doing a great job!" to each of them separately. She had a point to make and by golly she was going to make it.

After she left, MIL was speaking with SIL about the incident with an "Oh my goodness! Did you hear her???" She made mention that she was glad she wasn't the target this time. SIL tried to make sure I was not angry with her over it. Of course not. Why would I be angry with Princess SIL? She's got money and ambition and does everything right. I struggle financially, am the least motivated person I know, and am the blackest sheep in the family. It's not her fault she's perfect. It is her fault, however, that she has no spine. None of the women in the family do except for the primary matriarch. And me. That get's me into trouble. A lot.

Hubby and I spoke about it on the way home. He just kept saying that that's who they are; a bunch of miserable, cranky women. He felt bad he wasn't there to stick up for me. He also reminded me that I need to not be so open about our lives around his family. They like to use anything we say against us. I reminded him of what his own mother said just a few weeks ago to my assistant while they were away at a trade show. MIL told her that my SIL does everything right and she adores her children.

Later, after we put the kiddos to bed, Hubby went on a motorcycle ride. He likes to get out every once in a while to go think. When he got back, he said something to me that I am still in shock over. He apologized to me for not validating my feelings , for not being there to stick up for me, and for not being transparent about his feelings (I thought he was just talking about this particular situation, but in writing this realized that he was speaking of the trouble I've always seen with his mother.). He responded to the it with a wall, when really he was very hurt by what had happened. He finds it incredibly unfair that his sister is treated like a princess while we are practically shunned. His mother is always openly proud of his sister, and never of him. He is hurt by it. He just kept saying that she loved us just the same, it's just that we lived closer so she didn't miss us as much as her daughter (who lives a whole hour away, and who's kids she sees more than ours). MIL doesn't realize that we moved here to be closer to family and that she's making us regret our decision.

He brought up the fact that we do not treat our daughter any better or worse than our son. We do not praise our girl and put down our boy. They are equals, and as such have the same love from us. I cuddle just as much with one as the other. I am stern with both of them equally. We have the same expectations of each of them; to strive to be the best they can, to be respectful, truthful, and kind.

But Hubby's family is very conditional with their love. I do not meet their requirements. I'm an obligation to be put up with. Now, if I were to stomp all over Hubby, make him work for the "man", dinner on the table at 6 every night, perfect children, own my own perfectly clean house...well then I might stack up. But Hubby didn't marry a spineless man-hater. He married me; strong-willed, messy, honest, pull-no-punches, fight-for-the-underdog me and all my imperfections. He loves me just the way I am. That's good because I ain't changing for anybody except myself. And I kinda like me, even if his family doesn't.

Still, it would be so nice to have family that we didn't have to be on our guard with. But Hubby being transparent with me and his feelings has just made a huge difference in me. I feel empowered. I feel like my feelings are justified. I also feel like crying. I think it's the combination of relief that I'm not (completely) crazy and sorrow for Hubby. He refused to see what I have been pointing out all along, but not because it wasn't true. It was because he didn't want to accept the pain that came with that truth. How could a mother love one child over another. It doesn't seem fathomable to us that would never dream of it. So how could it be? We don't know... We also don't know how to deal with it.

Update: Hubby says he is sure his mother loves him, but it's how she treats me and the kids that hurts the most.

See how much I have to talk to my therapist about today?

(((hugs)))