Pretty simple, huh? Eh...
Yesterday I texted Hubby with this request:
Need a reassurance/reminder spanking. Reminder that you are in charge and will protect me. Reassurance that everything will be okay and about how you feel about me.Well, the spanking did happen. It was hard. It was intense at times. What it was not was a whole lot of talking. He did say things like, "I'm so glad you are not trying to control everything anymore," and "I will always be here for you. I will always protect you." But it was a few words between volleys of swats. It didn't do for me what I needed it to and I'm not sure if it was because I went into it with a certain expectation that I was going to be put into that head-space.
It is possible that my expectation was that lecturing comes naturally to men. My dad lectured me nonstop when I was a kid and he still tries to. Hubby is still very new to HoHing and, while lecturing the kids is easy enough, lecturing his wife is quite another. He doesn't want to treat me like a child. But I think that lecturing is a matter of intent, not age.
I cannot tell him how to lecture. That is not something that comes easily to me either. I'm a thinker, a writer, a "Why didn't I think to say that?"-er. I spend a lot of time gauging the possible/probable reaction to what I say because I worry about the consequences. Thankfully, lecturing is not expected of me.
So Hubby needs help. He won't research it on his own, so I will have to read to him whatever we are advised. Any help you could offer would be great. I think we both need to get into that space where spanking makes a difference.
Your thoughts?
(((hugs)))
hmmmm....
ReplyDeleteDoes he like to pontificate on certain subjects? Ian will get on a subject and exhaust the listener (I love him, but since dd began he talks much more about everything.)
You might try sitting at his feet and ask him his opinion on things, being careful to just let him talk....maybe then he will grow used to giving his advice, offering opinions - it is just a short hop from there to lecturing...
Kind of rambling, I know...
Good luck, sweetie
hugs
lillie
His not a pontificator as such. Get him talking about something geeky and he won't stop until my eyes glaze over because he knows he lost me a ways back. But he keeps a lot inside. I will give your suggestion a try!
Delete(((Hugs)))
I sent you an email from a forum question. Might help. Might not.
ReplyDeleteSeems to be a big learning curve for our men. Upside discussing it does help. Telling them no...But today I came really, really, close to cracking. His words " I want you to let go. I am in control now". The last part I played over and over in my mind. This is a difficult one to desire and trust that they will get there. Communication, communication.
More positives, he tried his best to help. The best way he knows how at the moment!
hugs willie
I looked at the forum question and I saw a lot about implements and nothing really on the act of lecturing. I also tried researching the topic but did not come up with anything helpful. I guess what I'm looking for is the answer to "Where is the HoH's head at when he lectures during a spanking session?" How does he get his TiH to that place she needs? So many questions...
Delete(((hugs)))
Ah okay...well I have to find the right one then...Hmm. I know it was discussed somewhere
DeleteI've asked Daddy to look this over and see if he can respond tomorrow. :)
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Thank you June! I really appreciate it. Any input from an HoH that I can tell Hubby is super helpful!! (((hugs)))
DeleteHi LM, lecturing certainly doesn't come easily or naturally to our guys but from his words to you I would say he will get the hand of it. It does seem to be something that comes with time and as they grow in confidence and in their role.
ReplyDeleteI think it's about him communicating his thoughts and feelings at the time. Also his expectations, what he wants you to personally focus on or to focus on together, what he's proud of etc and above all, reassuring you that he is there for you.
Hugs,
Roz
That's some great information Roz. Thank you! I will work this into our next dd conversation...if we have one. (((hugs)))
DeleteMine lectures like a pro sometimes and other times he doesn't say a word and I'm dying for him to talk to me. I've sort of decided that it is what it is and I go into it without big expectations.
ReplyDeleteThey do learn though and do this their own way. If you can tell him how much it means for him to talk to you hopefully he will hear you and try it more.
I'm so impatient... Thanks Susie. ((hugs))
DeleteHello Little Miss, Ward here, June has asked me to stop by and say a few words.
ReplyDeleteLecturing isn't always easy or natural, even for a seasoned HoH. Communication is the key to effective growth in a DD/TTWD relationship and that means a two person response involving both parties and including active listening and open honest thoughts.
The word "lecture" implies one way communication, and while yes somtimes that is effective and even necessary... for healthy growth, communication involves clear and realistic feedback, respectful and thoughtful listening while the other is talking without anyone trying to talk over and general honesty.
The idea of communication is something that June and I take very seriously and we are always working on it, somtimes it isn't easy but it's always worth it. We would recommend setting aside a time where you and your husband can talk about how best to proceed!
Hope this helps!
- Ward
Thank you Ward. I guess I don't look at lecturing like a one way communication. I like to look at it like he is guiding the conversation. But I think he hits a roadblock when it comes to words. I need to sit and talk about my needs to him and perhaps we can come up with a formula that works for both of us...
DeleteWe are new too and lecturing hasn't happened much here either. However, my professor will read up on things. He doesn't want to bug me about it but I also don't want to be the one controlling the learning. I feel that if HE wants to do this, then HE has to engage too. So far it's going well but we are taking it slowly. We aren't in a hurry. Honestly I think your fella will get the gang if it soon so don't worry. All in good time and that might be a good thing. :) great blog.
ReplyDeletem.
Hi Maryann! There are so many facets to DD that it could take years before we actually get it right...and even then, who knows? ((Hugs))
Delete