They've Got it Backwards

I've been meaning to write for some time, but with all the community hubbub and personal time being cut short, it's been rough. I also am used to not speaking up about anything because of my business. You learn that you can be an easy target and whatever you say can be misconstrued and used against you and your business, no matter how you meant it. So, I am finally speaking my 2 cents for what it's worth.

First of all, I don't like bullies. They have jumped on the judgemental bandwagon on an attack mission, even though they have no idea what they are talking about or who the people are who've been unfortunately involved. At one point, I yelled at Hubby that it was unfair. These are the same people that believe everything they see on TV. They don't ask questions. They don't think. They refuse logic and common sense. They certainly can't see living a lifestyle other than their own. There is no tolerance. It's sad and unfair and makes me hate dumb people.

Secondly, they've got it all wrong. Mind you, this is my own opinion so don't hate me for saying this as I am just as guilty as the next person. We are products of our parents. How they raised us has a huge impact on how we raise our own children. But what if it's backwards? Excuse me while I postulate the possibility that we aren't meant to spank our children or set them in a corner. What child of that age has the capacity to understand those particular disciplines? Think about what emotions and thought processes you experience as you endure them? A child certainly doesn't understand anything that complex. So why do we equate spanking with a punishment meant for children? As I said, I am guilty of this. I have swatted my children for misbehaving. I don't do it anymore mind you. I have found other means of discipline that suit their individual personalities and it doesn't include physical punishments. It's not because I don't believe in it. It's because my kids don't respond to it. It doesn't carry any weight or meaning for them.

Booooo!

This particular thought process was brought about by watching the interview with the ugly hag that wrote the article. At one point she said that the problem was infantilizing women. I don't know about you, but I don't feel infantilized. This of course made me think of being treated like a child, which in turn made me think of traditional child rearing. While she meant that we are treated as though we can't make our own rules, we can't make our own choices, that we need a husband to beat that into us. She's completely ignorant. She's a media slimeball. As much as I stomp and whine loudly that what she did was unfair, it won't stop her and people like her from doing it again.

And I don't know about you, but I can say with utmost certainty that I am not abused. How about you?

Big (((hugs))) to you and yours, and to all we have loved and lost through this travesty.

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?!

Yesterday, I decided to test my rule about being to the office no later than 9:05 (8:30 is the goal).

What?!?! That's a brand spanking new rule. Why would you do that?

Well. Here's the thing. I don't know. I guess I wanted to test Hubby's resolve. I know. Bad idea. So why did I do it?

I had a lot of thoughts run through my head yesterday morning. "Would he do it? Would he really spank me?" "Really really?" "Would it be like previous corrective actions (prior to our ttwd restart)? A few measured out swats and that's it?" "Or it could be the worst spanking of your life!" "He probably won't do it." "He might..." I checked the implement drawer. Everything was in place. He hadn't taken the cane with him; the promised corrective action implement. "He's not gonna do it." Later I checked the video cameras we have set up at my business. He was there at my assistant's desk working. "He's not even in his office! I would've shown up and he wouldn't have been there. Well, screw him! He never had any intention of going through with it." "Do you really want to test this?" "Yes. Yes I do."

Thoughts continued to roll around inside my thick skull; my angel and devil duking it out on my shoulders. I checked the time. I had 10 minutes to get there. "Plenty of time if you leave now." "Does it even matter?" "You should try anyway" "No! I promised the MIL I would get her nails done today and I have to get them done early so I can pick up the kids. I'm gonna get my nail stuff together. He's not even gonna notice...big jerk head." I decided to go take care of my ticket from the collision I caused. Careless driving. $166 plus whatever the charge to get to take the class, which is a whole other charge. On the drive over, I got a little scared. "You should've at least stopped by. What if you get spanked really Really HARD?" "Nah. He's too busy to deal with me. He probably won't even remember. I think it's safe to say this rule is not getting enforced."

I got a phone call from Hubby at 10. I had just gotten back in the car from the courthouse. He asked where I was. I told him I was just leaving the courthouse. Technically, I lied. Yeah. You know that thing I said I wouldn't do? I actually had been in the parking lot for about 5 minutes playing Candy Crush (Stupid addictive game). Little, itty bitty, teensy weensy, inconsequential, LIE. "Why did you lie?" "I don't know...Shut Up!" I reminded him that i needed to take care of that ticket.

Hubby: Oh yeah. You had to get that done first thing this morning, right?
Me: Well, no...I coulda stopped by...Umm...yes. I had to get it done today.
Hubby: Could you pick me up an Amp on the way to the shop? I only had one cup of coffee and I'm dragging.
Me: Sure.

"I answered him. So what if it wasn't exactly accurate?" "Well now if your pants light on fire from that spanking your going to get for lying, don't blame me!" "Shut. Up!" Yes, I needed to get it done today. Yes, I could've checked into the office first as requested, and done so on time. But my little devil and I were too busy high-fiving to care and Hubby didn't seem to care either. "So there!" *Angel shakes head but gives up and walks away*

I expected at least a little warning about consequences to come. Maybe the tiniest hint? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Would he make me come home for a lunchtime correction? Not enough time to even have lunch together, let alone take care of business. Do I want a spanking? Well, not really. I would much rather be good for Hubby. But I just can't help but test him. At least until I know he will back it up with action. And by action, I mean, make me NEVER EVER want to disobey him again. I need those boundaries; that reassurance that he's paying attention. To know that he'll catch me when I fall and that he'll not let me get away with anything when I fail, especially when I'm testing him.

So there you have it. That's why I did what I did and didn't do what I was supposed to. So what happened? Well...

Nothing. 

Not a word about it. We had a great, uneventful, quiet night. We made love and it was wonderful as always. But no follow-through.

This morning, I have a choice. I can be there as expected, or I can listen to that devil again and do my own thing. "Ugh! I hate these stupid choices." "Really you should try."

Hubby: 8:30? (said with a hint of a warning as he was on his way to take the kids to school)
Me: (grumbling in the affirmative-maybe-unwilling-crankiness)

After he left, I got up and checked the implement drawer. Everything is still in place...

(((hugs)))

Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want

Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

TransParent

Yesterday being Easter, we spent the day at church and with family. Hubby lead a Christian Seder, which only seemed truly appreciated by the children. His uncle and grandma were there along with his sister, her husband, their kids, and of course his mother and step-father. Anytime you get the family together it becomes a game of talking about the least desirable person, usually me. Well yesterday was no exception.


Hubby's grandma (let's just call her my Grand Mother in Law, or GMIL for short) has never thought we were doing anything right. When she first visited our warehouse 3 years ago, where we make and distribute our products, she said that we were pissing our money away and Hubby should be working for someone and saving for retirement. We are a great disappointment to her. She's in her 80's, cranky as all get out, and not afraid to tell anyone her unsolicited opinions. She just asks questions and retorts with all the flaws in one's thinking.

So really it should have come to no surprise when she went on a tirade against me at dinner. I was blindsided by it. She asked if we still had that RV (we got rid of it...unwillingly) and I told her no but that I was thinking about getting a smaller, van-like version of an RV for my mobile nail business. She started asking questions in her usual grumpy, I'm-out-for-blood manner. How was I going to make any money starting a new business? I have an assistant; so why would I pay her for work I should be doing anyway? I am spending money on things when I need to be keeping my business going. I shouldn't have an assistant. I should be doing the work. After all, my first business isn't making me rich. How am I going to buy a house when I don't have any money? She went on about how I'm "pissing" my money away and why am I not saving it and blah blah blah. I forgot about the incident at the warehouse until that moment. But I was in too much shock to tell her where to stick it.

Hubby was not at the table when this was going on. MIL only heard the last part of the conversation, so she didn't say anything. SIL and her husband were across the table, but they just kept their mouths shut. No one came to my defense. I had no witty comebacks and everything I said sounded like I was on the defense, which of course I was.

To drive her point home, GMIL started asking SIL about what she's doing. SIL is going to school full time to become a physical therapist, a doctorate degree. She stayed at home with her kids until they both started going to school full time and then decided to further her own education. She married rich. Her husband has an amazing job with lots of benefits and a huge salary. Because his job takes him from home a lot, SIL is following in the footsteps of her mother and grandma; she is in charge...of EVERYTHING. GMIL sounded like she was going to go on the warpath with SIL, but SIL answered all the questions correctly. When it came to questions of the kids, her homework, and even the sneaky one about who cleans the house, she passed with flying colors.

When it came time for GMIL to leave, she half hugged me and Hubby and said good-bye. She spoke with SIL and her husband loud enough to make sure I heard her say "Good-bye. Love ya. You guys are doing a great job!" to each of them separately. She had a point to make and by golly she was going to make it.

After she left, MIL was speaking with SIL about the incident with an "Oh my goodness! Did you hear her???" She made mention that she was glad she wasn't the target this time. SIL tried to make sure I was not angry with her over it. Of course not. Why would I be angry with Princess SIL? She's got money and ambition and does everything right. I struggle financially, am the least motivated person I know, and am the blackest sheep in the family. It's not her fault she's perfect. It is her fault, however, that she has no spine. None of the women in the family do except for the primary matriarch. And me. That get's me into trouble. A lot.

Hubby and I spoke about it on the way home. He just kept saying that that's who they are; a bunch of miserable, cranky women. He felt bad he wasn't there to stick up for me. He also reminded me that I need to not be so open about our lives around his family. They like to use anything we say against us. I reminded him of what his own mother said just a few weeks ago to my assistant while they were away at a trade show. MIL told her that my SIL does everything right and she adores her children.

Later, after we put the kiddos to bed, Hubby went on a motorcycle ride. He likes to get out every once in a while to go think. When he got back, he said something to me that I am still in shock over. He apologized to me for not validating my feelings , for not being there to stick up for me, and for not being transparent about his feelings (I thought he was just talking about this particular situation, but in writing this realized that he was speaking of the trouble I've always seen with his mother.). He responded to the it with a wall, when really he was very hurt by what had happened. He finds it incredibly unfair that his sister is treated like a princess while we are practically shunned. His mother is always openly proud of his sister, and never of him. He is hurt by it. He just kept saying that she loved us just the same, it's just that we lived closer so she didn't miss us as much as her daughter (who lives a whole hour away, and who's kids she sees more than ours). MIL doesn't realize that we moved here to be closer to family and that she's making us regret our decision.

He brought up the fact that we do not treat our daughter any better or worse than our son. We do not praise our girl and put down our boy. They are equals, and as such have the same love from us. I cuddle just as much with one as the other. I am stern with both of them equally. We have the same expectations of each of them; to strive to be the best they can, to be respectful, truthful, and kind.

But Hubby's family is very conditional with their love. I do not meet their requirements. I'm an obligation to be put up with. Now, if I were to stomp all over Hubby, make him work for the "man", dinner on the table at 6 every night, perfect children, own my own perfectly clean house...well then I might stack up. But Hubby didn't marry a spineless man-hater. He married me; strong-willed, messy, honest, pull-no-punches, fight-for-the-underdog me and all my imperfections. He loves me just the way I am. That's good because I ain't changing for anybody except myself. And I kinda like me, even if his family doesn't.

Still, it would be so nice to have family that we didn't have to be on our guard with. But Hubby being transparent with me and his feelings has just made a huge difference in me. I feel empowered. I feel like my feelings are justified. I also feel like crying. I think it's the combination of relief that I'm not (completely) crazy and sorrow for Hubby. He refused to see what I have been pointing out all along, but not because it wasn't true. It was because he didn't want to accept the pain that came with that truth. How could a mother love one child over another. It doesn't seem fathomable to us that would never dream of it. So how could it be? We don't know... We also don't know how to deal with it.

Update: Hubby says he is sure his mother loves him, but it's how she treats me and the kids that hurts the most.

See how much I have to talk to my therapist about today?

(((hugs)))

A Woman of Contradiction

What an interesting weekend...
In the middle of chatting with my dear friend Lillie, I realized that I am a woman of contradiction. How do I justify all this? How is it that I am so impatient with others and yet the biggest procrastinator to walk the planet? How is it that I want to control ttwd, and yet I am supposed to be the submissive partner in it? Well all of this has gotten me to thinking. Uht oh...

As my kids' martial arts coach is fond of saying, "Look it up in the dictionary!"

pa·tience  [pey-shuhns]  noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
Synonyms
1. composure, stability, self-possession; submissiveness, sufferance. Patience endurance fortitude stoicism imply qualities of calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances. Patience may denote calm, self-possessed, and unrepining bearing of pain, misfortune, annoyance, or delay; or painstaking and untiring industry or (less often) application in the doing of something: to bear afflictions with patience. Endurance denotes the ability to bear exertion, hardship, or suffering (without implication of moral qualities required or shown): Running in a marathon requires great endurance. Fortitude implies not only patience but courage and strength of character in the midst of pain, affliction, or hardship: to show fortitude in adversity. Stoicism is calm fortitude, with such repression of emotion as to seem almost like indifference to pleasure or pain: The American Indians were noted for stoicism under torture. 3. indefatigability, persistence, assiduity.

Without complaint, loss of temper, or irritation? Suppress restlessness or annoyance? Who exactly do they think I am? Superwoman?!?! Restlessness is the real big one for me here. I get so preoccupied and I spin myself in circles because, at that very moment, nothing and no one are as important as the situation at hand. I don't have any back burners. All of them are right up front. So what do I do? How do you learn patience without having to be subjected to something that would cause you impatience? If patience were a muscle, mine could barely lift a feather. Maybe I should think of it that way. Isn't the saying that you should "exercise patience?" Well that's no fun... And notice how submissiveness is mentioned in there too? And how many times is the word "pain" used? 4. Yep.

sub·mit  [suhb-mit]  verb, sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.
verb (used without object)
5. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
6. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
7. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.
Synonyms
1. comply, bow, obey, agree, resign. See yield.

Well I think we all know what "submit" means. We've all been though it. But I want your opinion on something. Here is an example of what I mean by trying to control the situation. Maybe you can tell me if I'm pushing things.

This morning, the stupid alarm went off and the designated time but we just did not want to get up. Hubby jokingly asked, "Why you gotta keep me up so late?" You see, last night we had a friend over and then after a drink too many, Hubby asked if I wanted to go watch a recorded show. I informed him that it was after midnight, so no, it's way too late. He came to bed. We played and experimented with something new. We passed out. And voilà! It was morning before we knew it. My response to his question? "You could always impose a curfew!" He didn't say anything and I didn't push it. But is suggesting rules considered trying to control ttwd?

I figure that you can't be truly submissive and have no voice. You may be able to learn patience, but at what point do you say something?

I guess I'm a lot like my son in that I gotta keep asking to clarify so that I know that Hubby knows that there is a specific question on the table that I am trying to get answered without being too controlling and impatient.

What do you do?

Happy Birthday to Me and 2 Down 40 to Go

I could spend this post recounting all the reasons why things suck right now. But last night I buried my hurt. I can't cry. I want to. I just can't. Besides, turning 42 today and I don't want to ruin it with a bunch of drama.

Just be rest assured that I did talk to Hubby yesterday about my feelings and he didn't have much to say about the matter. I also accidentally brought up ttwd, and he's not interested. I don't have anything further to add about that at this point.

But lest you think I'm grumpy, I am not. This morning, I bent over our bed after taking a shower so I could rest and play a game on my phone for a minute (usually I lay on my tummy, but because of the surgery I can't). Hubby came by and gave me 2 birthday swats. I informed him he has 40 to go.

So happy birthday to me. We are off to go see Oz, which is really funny to state now that I think about it. Gonna have a popcorn lunch. I hope you all have a great day!

(((hugs)))

A Bee in My Bonnet & This Means War

I am in a mood of sorts as of late. Call it a cranky mood. Call it a I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mood. Whatever...

So we don't watch the news in our home. We detest it. It's nothing but murder and weather and I can get the weather on my iPhone thank-you-very-much. Don't be surprised by my lack of knowledge of current events. So apparently there is this thing going on in the Middle East...who knew? Seriously, isn't there always something going on there? Well, now my 5 year old daughter knows too. How does she know, you ask?

There is a little boy in our neighborhood. He's about 8 and he plays with my son, who's 7, and my daughter. They race around the neighborhood on each other's scooters and bikes and what have you. It's a quiet place with very nice neighbors all around. But the boy's grandmother is something else. She's, shall we say...umm.... charismatic. She once told me that she watches the news and scours the internet for signs, like earthquakes, that will point to the coming of Christ and that she's in a group that concentrates on the information and shares it. Yeah...ummm... We are Christian. We believe that Jesus died for us. We fellowship with other Christians. We share our faith. We love. But we DON'T scare and alienate other people with our beliefs. This woman told my daughter there was going to be a big war. She's 5! She doesn't need to know what's going on outside her little world. Right now, she needs to concentrate on being 5, going to school, making friends, not being bossy to everyone, and just be a little girl. She does not need to have her innocence shattered and to have nightmares because of an old woman that can't keep her damn mouth shut. Okay...maybe I am a little more pissed about this that I thought. Deep breath...

So in my not-watching-the-news life, I still come across the news on the radio. None of it is very bad stuff. It's all pretty much the stuff they should show on the real news and keep the sensationalism out. Apparently Hostess, makers of high caloric but very yummy snacks, are going bankrupt. While I am glad the temptation will be removed from my sight, I will dearly miss my Suzie Q's, even thought I wouldn't be able to eat them until next year. No more for me! I am so sad.

I got up this morning to see my kids watching the news. Goofy children! News is not for kids. News is for people who like reality TV shows. No offense... I'm just not a fan of any reality show that promotes hostility, encourages promiscuity, or chooses to reveal the worst in people for ratings and the almighty dollar. I say a big NO to shows like Survivor, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and America's Next Top Model, as well as shows that revolve around idiots like the Kardashian's. Ugh...

I really need to get laid. And spanked apparently.

(((hugs)))

Emotional Apocalypse of Epic Proportions and Very Dark Places

I am a bit overly dramatic at times...

Well, last weekend was no exception. I was a mess! I was angry and hurt and frustrated and angry. I was really angry, it needed to be in that last sentence twice. What caused all this mess? The short answer is me. Here's the long answer:

I have a tendency to try to control things. I have a specific view of how I would like to have things turn out and I will do what I need to to get it done. I also am scatterbrained, which drives Hubby batty. I am constantly distracted by shiny things. If I have a million things to get done, I will do the one that I just got that new doohickey for, even though I've been specifically told to work on other things.

The other day when Hubby pointed out things in the car that needed to be cleaned out. I followed him, and with a pissy attitude, I cleaned out the car. Then he stopped me in the garage so we could talk. Immediately, by his tone of voice, I was about in tears. I thought I was getting a scolding that would soon be followed by a real corrective action and I was feeling so sorry for it big time. But that's not what this was about. He asked me how many times I made sure that the car was completely cleaned out at the end of every day (my new habit/rule). I replied that I probably did it 2-3 times that week. He wanted to know why I hadn't done it every day like he asked. Well, I had other things that needed my attention, like the new plants, and the soil I had to mix up, etc. He said that in that same way, it showed him my commitment to wanting him to be HoH. I was immediately thrown for a loop.

You know what I heard him say? I heard him say that unless I was going to make sure the car was cleaned every night, that he wasn't going to be HoH. I heard that he thought of his being HoH as a gift he could take away any time I wasn't behaving. I heard him say that I had to earn it. I was ANGRY. I was ready to tell him to screw himself. I was going to punch him in the face. I was going to throw in the ttwd towel. Again. I went to my room and threw his pillow off the bed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was done. He was being the biggest jerk ever Ever EVER!

And then later we talked. I didn't leave my defensive pose. I would not look at him. I distanced myself from the conversation so it didn't have to make more tears come out. I was refusing to communicate. Honestly, most of the conversation was a blur until the end. Hubby was trying to get me to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to talk because he was holding the HoH agreement over my head, to which he replied that that's not what he said, nor what he meant. I was confused. I couldn't let go of my anger. And then he asked me something to me that sent me in a downward spiral. He said that I was the woman he married. He asked me if I was happy with the man I married.

It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I was doing the one thing I swore I would never do, I was trying to change him. All this time I've been trying to control things to get what I feel I need. But that's not who he is. He is who I married, the man I love with all my heart. I don't ever want to change him. I was so sorry for the past few months. It was all my fault.

I cried uncontrollably and I knew it was half because I wouldn't get what I want and half because I was such a horrible wife/person to ask him to change. It's almost the worst thing I can think of to do to a person, to expect them to be what they aren't. I feel so strongly about that. I was feeling horrible regret. I never meant to make him feel like he was anything other than that wonderful and loving and caring man that I married.

And then I went to a very dark place, a place I've never shared with anyone. This is where  I castigate myself for ever being human. I tell myself horrendous things. I do this because I believe I deserve it. This next paragraph you may want to skip over if you don't like cussing or badmouthing.

This is what I'm thinking in my head: What was I thinking? If I could crawl under a rock right now I would. I want to go far away until all is forgotten. I am not a good person. I am a horrible person. How could I do such a thing? What the hell was I thinking. I'm a f*cking b*tch. I should be kicked upside the head. Stupid!!! Idiot! Worthless pile of crap! You want the best thing in your life to hate you? You want to ruin everything? F*cking idiot! You're going to lose everything because you can't keep yourself under control. Freakin baby. Why do you always have to have everything your way? Why can't you just be normal like everyone else? Why can't you just keep your f*cking mouth shut for once in your f*cking life and quit behaving like a selfish little b*tch? You're worthless. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything. You're nothing but a big, fat, lazy, worthless, selfish, self-centered b*tch and you deserve NOTHING! STUPID F*CKING C*NT! (and it goes on and on and on)

I am absolutely positive that Hubby does not feel this way about me. I am sure he believes quite the opposite. But this is how I beat myself up. These are the things that go through my head, that I say to myself. That's how I get past the big emotional hurt inside, by inwardly screaming at myself.

I didn't mean to discourage him. He was trying something and I just keep telling him he was doing it wrong because I can't seem to give up control of everything. I don't think that he needs to change anything. I decided that I will stop pestering him and he can do whatever he feels like doing.

I asked him to do whatever it is in his heart to do. I'd try to keep my mouth shut and my fingers idle (I email him a lot) in an attempt to quit trying to control everything. When I do try to control things, I asked him to feel free to tell me to shut up.

True, I was on day 2 of my diet and day 1 of my cycle. I was a hungry, hormonal, emotional wreck. I was as unbearable as I could possibly get I think. I'm not sure if any of that is an excuse for not keeping myself under control, but it's the truth.

I had written all this stuff in an email to Hubby. You know what he replied?

It is my honor to be your husband, and feel grateful for the privilege to raise two wonderful kids with you. 

I want nothing more in this world than to bring you joy and love.   

You are right in that my nature is not to dominate but instead to compromise.  I am the head of our house whether I like it or not.  

Big jerk...

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?

The Crossroads and the Plate

I saw my therapist today. We discussed all kinds of things like my assessment results from taking several online tests I took, like StregthFinders 2.0. We also discussed how I'm not a mind reader, even though I still beg to differ that my MIL's thoughts can be easily read through her body language. She doesn't hide it well at all. We also talked about how I am at a crossroads with everything in my life. What???

The Crossroads:

My therapy - We've dealt with so much already. It's time to take steps, but in which direction? Why can't someone just tell me what to do? She thinks I should go back to school. I told her how much I hate school. It's difficult for me because I'm a kinesthetic learner. That presents many challenges for me in traditional education. So what to do? I dunno...

My business - What I should be when I grow up, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment is what I already am, but changes need to be made. I am a projects kinds of girl. I start them and I can finish them as long as they don't go on too long. If they require any length of time, I get bored and set it aside with promises that I will get back to it, only to never pick it up again. It's not that I'm lying when I promise. I have every intention of finishing it. But the monotony of owning my own business, all the daily tasks, it's a never ending project that bores the crap out of me. It's monotonous and boooooooring and I hate it. But there are several challenges to it that I like. And then there is the fact that I have been flaky and forgetful. I hate flaky people. How did I become one?

My marriage - I made a change in my marriage. I decided to take a long hard look at myself and institute changes. I don't want to be a bitch to Hubby. I don't want to ignore his needs anymore. Sometimes he wants me to do things and gets frustrated with me for not getting to them. I completely understand that. If I were him, I would be frustrated too. Of course if I were him, I would've had me bent over the bed a long time ago...

My children - The kids... Don't get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my pride and joy. They are amazing, smart, fun little people. But I'm not good at parenting them. They are a project that has gotten excruciatingly out of hand. They drive me absolutely crazy. I love to snuggle and love and kiss and huggle with them. I love to share songs and watch them put on plays for me. I love to teach them little things like how bubbles in soda make a straw float to the top of the glass. But I'm not so good with the big picture.

My home - It's a mess. An ever-lovin' disaster! Stuff is everywhere. I'm a clutter bug. The worst part is that I can clean an area until it sparkles and be very good about putting things back and keeping that area clean and somehow, someway the clutter finds it and invades it. I turn my back and my dresser is covered in clothes that should be put away. I leave the bathroom for 5 minutes and everything ends up back on the counters. It's amazing how it happens. And I gave up. I stopped trying a long time ago.

My finances - As Hubby will attest to, I am a wreck. I have some bills that have been following me all year. I avoid the mailbox like the plague because I know what's in there...another bill. I don't answer my phone if I don't know the number because it's that doctors office again... When I don't have money, I avoid the bills. Thing is, when I do have money, I still avoid them because I don't want to deal with them. Bills aren't new projects. They are old projects that won't quit bugging me.

My therapist suggested that maybe we should work on ways to make old "projects", be it bills, cleaning, or kids, have a new and creative edge to them so I feel challenged instead of bogged down. Any suggestions?

The Plate:

I used this analogy with a friend of mine and she thought it was pretty good; If I were standing holding with a plate full of mexican jumping beans at shoulder level, that would be a pretty good representation of my life right now. Every employee request, note home from school, bill in the mail, or toy on the floor is just another bean added to my plate. It's annoying and irritating and frustrating and stressful. I am overwhelmed.

My therapist said that all the feelings I'm having right now are because I am at these crossroads and I'm building up the energy to make a change. What I perceive as this feeling of annoyance and irritation and frustration is really just the energy building. The stress of these feelings is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I don't like it, but it's been a long, a long time coming, and I know a change gonna come...

I am so Sorry and The 3-4 Day Cruise

First, I would like to apologize to Hubby. I am so sorry I have been impatient and disrespectful. I have completely lacked the understanding of your situation. You are right. You've spent all these years thinking one way and I need to give you more than just a couple days to change that thinking. You are a bright and determined and helpful man. I need to be patient and respectful. I need to not call you out in public. I need to not accuse you of things that aren't true. I am truly sorry for my behavior. I will talk to you about problems first. I will not bring them up to others until I do so. I know now that not only do you read the links I send you, but you read my blog as well. I am sorry I accused you otherwise. I didn't know and I should've asked first. I haven't been the submissive wife I should be and I will make an effort to change that, just as you are making efforts to be the HoH. I am sorry I was defiant. I am sorry I was disobedient. I am sorry I was disrespectful. I am sorry I distanced myself. I am grateful you can see the changes in me as I work to better myself. As I said, I don't know who this person is that I am now, but she's better than I used to be before I started making these changes. I love you so much. Thank you for your understanding and for calling me out. Thank you for not settling for "I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone." You stood your ground and made me talk to you instead letting me shut down and clam up for a week. You held me as I cried and cried and cried. You are amazing and I am sorry if I lead anyone to think otherwise.

Second, I would like to apologize to all of my readers. I was wrong. Hubby said that you all gave me very good advice. He thinks I have very good friends here and he doesn't want me to sever these connections. He does, however want me to take 3-4 days off from blogging and reading blogs to focus on what is important. He told me my blog title should be "Taking a Cruise" because I would be gone from here that long. I also apologize for anything I said that might have lead you to believe that my husband is something other than the wonderful man that he is. I am the one at fault here. He was even so gracious as to not be angry with me for the things I accused him of. He is so loving and I have no excuse for my behavior. I am so sorry for the things I said and for leading you to believe he is anything less that the wonderful husband he has always been. From my previous words, you would never know what an amazing man he is and how loving and patient he has been with me through all these years. You, my sisters, have given me such great advice and I have been a fool not to heed it. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking at the knowledge that I have been so horrible. I will spend my "cruise" thinking about how I can be a better wife, and a better "sister".

Believe me when I tell you that I am hormonal, over-reactive, and completely selfish. My husband tells me that I need to learn to forgive myself. He is right. I continually beat myself up over how I'm not good enough and wallow in my self pity, instead of trying to be a better person. We are working on this together. We are partners in this. I need not go it alone. And he needs to be able to count on me too.

Sisters and friends, I will see you when I get back from my "cruise" and I will hopefully be a better person for it. (((hugs)))

PS> Feel free to leave a comment. I will read them in my email and will get back to you after my short hiatus.

More Heartache and a Letter to Hubby

I think ttwd is ttwdd (don't do). I think that whatever it is that I desired so badly isn't going to happen after all. I asked Hubby this morning what were the consequences of breaking rules or not getting things done. I had this feeling that it wasn't what I had asked for and when he confirmed it, I shut down. I can still feel this whirling storm of hurt from my heart to my toes. I am so disappointed and can hardly breathe. So I decided to write a letter to Hubby here, because he's not going to read it anyway. Please understand that most of this is out of frustration and anger.

Dear Hubby,

I can't even describe the level of hurt I feel right now. It took every ounce of courage I had to tell you my deepest desires. Then you rejected me. I let it go, and then I was patient with you, and then I was patient some more. We experimented with erotic spanking, and it has been amazing. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's not what I asked you for. More patience. And finally, you agree to try this thing I need so desperately.

This morning you broke my heart again. I asked you what would happen if I broke a rule or didn't complete my chores and you gave me the wrong answer. It was like you rejected me all over again. When you asked what it was that I wanted, I clammed up, shut down, and pretended to go back to sleep. I told you what I wanted again and again. I sent you links. I've done everything I can to communicate with you and you just aren't listening. Gosh, if you would have just read the Letter to the HoH link I sent you, you would have understood completely. What the hell? You make me wonder why I even bother talking to you.

The only reason I am writing this here is because I know you won't read it.   I'm sorry, but if you had a blog that talked about your innermost feelings I would read it again and again and again just to feel as close to you as possible. So I'm left with feeling like you don't care, that you aren't interested in my needs, and my heart is breaking. I'm in shutdown mode and I don't want to talk to you anymore about it. You aren't listening anyway. And I can't take another refusal from you.

So if I'm quiet the rest of the day, you'll just have to put up with it. I'm angry and hurt and frustrated and tired and I just want to give up on even trying this thing. You don't want it and I can't make you. Just forget I even asked and we will move on.

I love you with all of my heart and always will. I just wish I had never even brought it up. Now I can add embarrassment to my list. Please just ignore the last few months. I'm going to try to put it behind me. 

I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've wasted your time and mine.

****UPDATE: Please see my latest post. Thank you.

Heart Ache and Guilt

My heart aches. I feel a bit like a teenager on a hormone roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up again. And back down we go. Somethings been bugging me the past couple days. I have this guilt that's been nagging at me. My heart just hurts and I want to cry. I look at my house and I see failure. Failure as a mother. Failure as a wife.

I had just gotten home from dropping the kids off at a friends neighborhood pool. It was late, I was hungry. Hubby had just gotten home as well and was getting himself ready to join the kids at the pool. I don't go because I don't like to see myself in a bathing suit. Hubby mentions that it looks like a tornado hit the house. I told him about the kids' big idea to make kitty forts everywhere they could. But our room looked the same. Just our stuff cluttered all over. When did this happen?

I stepped over all of it and laid in bed, reading a story on my phone. Hubby came in and asked what I was doing. I said that I was reading a story. He mumbled something and sighed heavily. Less than a minute later, he came back into the room and scolded me. He said that it seems all I ever do is blog (case in point) or read blogs or stories and it's become an obsession that takes over everything else. He very firmly told me he needs my help. I said okay and got up to start picking some stuff up off my side of the bed. I'm not done by any means, but I just look at all this and see failure. It makes me feel rather depressed. And then to have Hubby yell at me like that...

Well, I am proud of him for finally saying something. Normally he just goes into the other room and fumes quietly. But my heart just hurt even more when he did that. All I could/can do is beat myself up about it. I am a big fat failure and I can't do anything right even if I were to get up off my big fat ass and do something. I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't wanna I. Don't. Wanna. My heart hurts. I just want to cry. Only the tears won't come. Just the pain in my chest. And I want it gone. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

What is it? Why so much guilt? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I have a persistent nagging headache? Why? I think that if I could rid myself of the guilt, I wouldn't have a headache or the pain in my chest or the desire to do nothing.

What do you do with your feelings?

I Could Use a Spanking Right Now

Well last night's talk was not exactly what I had hoped for. I should've known. He's just starting to take charge. He's not one to dive into something headlong. Especially when it involves something he believes to be abhorrent. But I do respect him. He's starting to take charge and rethink his position as the leader of our family. I have got to have patience.

So all this thinking got me to pondering what I do that goes against the 4 D's.

Nothing Dangerous: Well, I kinda do a couple things that in most Dd relationships would be punished severely. But Hubby does them too and so I don't think that's something that's going to change for either of us.

Nothing Dishonest: I'm not really one for lying, but I have omitted things in the past. I try really hard not to. And you can bet that from now on I will confess the truth no matter what. (As a matter of fact, I just did. But it's a long story that I don't know how to make shorter and it's not worth a blog post.)

Nothing Disobedient: I'm already naturally submissive. I'm don't talk back or balk at his authority. I would willingly do most things as long as they are presented to me as a demand and not a request. I file requests in the "When I get around to it" file. Only I don't think I ever get around to these things.

Nothing Disrespectful: Well I kinda blew this one last night. I am normally very respectful. You see, sometimes Hubby gets upset with one or both of the kids and decides to take action quickly, decisively, and in a bit of a huff. It usually involves them having something taken away. I end up interjecting and interrupting him in front of the kids. I texted him today some of my feelings. The stuff in parenthesis is not part of the text, just an explanation.

Me: I thought about something. You're probably not going to like it.

Hubby: Rut Ro

Me: Last night I was disrespectful to you in front of the kids.

Hubby: ....I don't recall anything like that

Me: With K (our 5 year old daughter) and her ice (cup of crushed ice she takes to bed). I intervened quite loudly in front of the kids. It's not the first time I've done it. But it is the first time since trying to change my ways and be more submitting to your authority.
It's not okay for me to do that because I'm showing them that I will protect them from you as if you are some sort of bad person. Like R (R & P and their young son B were neighbors of ours from years ago.) with B. Remember his sly smile as she would protect him from P? I know that's an extreme example, but it doesn't take much for the kids to get the picture. They don't need protecting from you. They need me to be a good example of listening and obeying.

Hubby: Fair enough... Thank you for being aware of the action. ;) I love u

Me: I don't commit many punishable offenses because I am already inclined to be submissive and I usually think about things before I do anything.
But last night my actions were not acceptable.

Hubby replied in person. He said that he doesn't want me to be carrying around all this guilt about what happened. He said that if punishment is something that I need, then he can have me do the dishes tonight. It's usually his job because I'm not a fan of the kitchen. And then he said quite resolutely that tonight I am to do the dishes.

I am beyond thrilled that he is taking me in hand (ish) and making decisions. I like that he clarifies his normal request with a demand. But I could really use a spanking. Not because I want one. I do not relish the idea of a punishment spanking. It would hurt a lot and I might even cry. But, I know I need one. That's the only thing that will help me remember, the next time I even think about disrespecting him in front of the kids, to think twice. Dirty dishes? Ummm...not so much. I don't feel like it's a clean slate, that I've paid for my transgression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I request a spanking, but I don't think he will do it. It may even make him upset. I should just be happy that he's giving some sort of consequence, one that he can handle. It's a step up, right?

Ugh...

Still Waiting

So the bedroom has become a disaster again. Mostly it's clothes that need to be put away, but for whatever reason (cough, cough, laziness), I haven't gotten around to it. The craft area desperately needs organizing. The kitchen counter is covered in letters (mostly bills), magazines, crafts that the kids made, things I've picked up off the table to make room for dinner, toys, etc. Hubby asked me a few times now to gather all the medical bills and give him a list so he can start chipping away at them. There's dusting, sweeping, mopping, laundry, and things to be put away.

Have I lifted a finger? Nope. Why? I have no idea. I'm stuck. This R2 unit has a bad motivator. So what are we going to do about it? Nothing. I will get to it when I get to it if I ever get to it. This has nothing to do with wanting Dd, but there is every reason to start. I am not stubborn because I want to be punished. This is an area in my life that has always existed. I'm a clutter bug. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a neat freak.

I discovered Dd recently and brought the idea to Hubby (again). I received an outright NO (again). So I wrote the stuff I think needed to be fixed, the list he asked for, and he never responded. While I can get my spanko needs met almost daily to rid myself of stress, I don't get motivation out of it. If I knew that there was a threat of a punishment of some sort unless I started getting things done, you'd better bet I would be making all kinds of changes.

"But wait! Why don't you just do it? Be submissive and act as if these things would be punished if not done." It just doesn't work that way for me. Without external motivation, nothing gets done. It's not because I'm digging my heels in until I get my way. It's just the way I work (or don't in this case). So now what? I wait. I impatiently wait. I agonizingly trudge through every day waiting. I haven't bugged him any more about Dd. I'm just waiting. I hate waiting...

Type A Does Not Equal Dominant

You know how some things you don't really think about until you realize how obvious it is and then you see you've been completely ignorant? Like the time I realized that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is the same melody as the ABC song (and Bah Bah Black Sheep). I just had another one; Type A personality does not equal a dominant personality. I guess I just assumed they walked hand in hand.

I'm a type B, a follower, submissive. Hubby is a type A, more of a leader than I, neither submissive nor dominant. He sees us as equal. We are equal, and would still be if he decided to be the HoH. Since I know he knows where my blog is but he never reads it, I'll go into a bit more detail.

Hubby's mom raised him and his sister pretty much single-handedly. His father was/is a workaholic and wasn't around as much as he should've been. His mother made the rules, checked to see homework was done, fed and clothed them. She was the matriarch. How do you get a man who's used to having a woman in charge to take charge? Your guess is as good as mine.

He has stepped up a bit. He's giving direction. He's putting his foot down. Maybe he's been that way all along and it took me being more submissive to him to see it? Nah... If he would've done those things before, I think I would've noticed.

(And here I go a-wandering)

In the meantime, I get to live vicariously through you (if you have a blog that I read ---->). I've been trying to read more so I can get a better picture. I think ttwd, if we ever do it, will be different than anything I've read so far. I've never really had an attitude that needed fine tuning. I've always been conscious of my decisions and any consequences. I may be a dreamer, but I'm also a thinker. I don't make any decision without weighing out the pros and cons, and even asking advice. I don't do anything rash. My biggest problem area besides the new rules I suggested (which he has yet to say anything about), is in dealing with our kids. They drive me insane! Don't get me wrong, I love my babies dearly, but the constant bickering, tattling, and outright meanness is going to send me to the looney bin. I think they fight just to get me upset. I've started trying to be more of a referee, but I still get really cranky with them not listening to me. It's like they are trying to make me blow my top before they will put their shoes away or brush their teeth or get dressed. Sheesh!

I guess we all have our trials. If I'm going to get punished for something, it's probably going to be over the kids. And if he ever instates the new rules I suggested, I would probably get in trouble a few times for not managing my time wisely (ex: reading all those blogs I love). Who knows...I may need some attitude adjustments from time to time, probably because I tested my limits. I do test limits. I can't help myself. I'm better with zero tolerance. That would keep me from testing my limits. Well, of course I'd probably test it once. Once would be enough.

(Now I really get sidetracked and start rambling)

I've been spanking-free for a few days. I've got a doctors appointment on Thursday, and I don't want to be asked about bruises. Plus, it's about to be that time of the month. I won't see in action until it's over.

Hubby is watching me expectantly while eating his cereal, in the bedroom. I think I'm supposed to get off the computer now and get ready to go to the office. Fine! (here I go with the attitude!)

To sum up...oh what the hell...I'm a crazy pms lady with no one to talk to and no spanky-treats. There...how's that?

The Day the Laptop Died

I've got to be quick with this post. My laptop may black out any second, leaving me even more frustrated at all the words I've lost. My poor, old, decrepit 2004 MacBook... I got her when I was pregnant with my son and she's been my companion in good times and bad. We've started businesses, failed at businesses, learned to blog, learned the ways of social media, skyped, and explored the depths of Google together. She's kept me warm, whether I wanted her to or not. She's put up with my accidents; spilling coffee, dropping her on the floor, letting the babies bang on her keys and drool on her monitor. She's put up with my on-purposes; tearing her apart, wiping her down, blowing her out, and putting her back together again, always somehow leaving me with one extra screw. She's been a longtime friend. I will miss her when she finally kicks it. Until then, I plan to take as much advantage of her as possible.

I won't replace her with another MacBook because, honestly, we have all PC's and going Mac was part of my rebellious streak. Yeah...see how I am? I am such a trouble maker! I also drink decaf, just so you know. I may be a bad influence on you, so watch out! While I'm trying to not hit the keys too hard for fear she may black out for the last time, I'm searching for aptoplays (it's pig Latin. Shhhhh! She may get angry). She's been quite temperamental in her old age. I imagine she's 80 in MacBook years. She's had more upgrades than Joan Rivers has had facelifts. She's been a trooper through it all, which makes it all the sadder? more sad? whatever!

Hubby is suggesting that I go to Office Depot and Best Buy and write blog posts to test keyboards until I find one that is comfortable. I don't need my laptop to do much since I have a pretty powerful computer in the office. I just need to get online, read and write blog posts, maybe do a little online shopping. I don't need much power, I just need a comfy keyboard. Maybe do a little Skyping...maybe... What do you use? Do you have a favorite?

A New in Rent-A-Cop Town

Just had a wonderful Mexican lunch with Hubby. Margaritas make conversation smoother, that's for sure. Hubby had been thinking about something and decided to bring it up at the bar where we were lunching. The man has no idea how loud his voice is, I swear. He brought up a different idea, a sort of compromise if you will, to fit my needs. He started off by saying, "When I was young, my parents made me pick the consequences for certain things." Suddenly my heart leapt with excitement. Is he willing to try? "But I won't give you a physical consequence." Never mind...Sheesh... He started to tell me how the punishment could be something as simple as taking away my phone for the evening. I gasped. "Aha! See?" he quipped.

In a nutshell, he wants me to pick areas I know I need to improve upon (ie. getting to work on time) and pick the consequence (he really doesn't like the word punishment) for my action. He will enforce the consequence. BUT... He wants me to do the same for him. Now while I appreciate his desire to work together, I need him to be HoH. I can't punish the HoH. That's not how it works! Grumble...

Can't there just be a spanking so we can get it over with? Nope. He doesn't want to mix pleasure with punishment and he doesn't want to ever spank me as a consequence of something I've done wrong. We both agreed it's a start...this nonphysical consequence thing. "It's like having to go out and pick your own switch, isn't it?!" he joked. Yeah...something like that...only without the quickness and surety of a sore bottom to remind me. I won't have the tears to caution me that I don't want it to happen again. I won't feel like he has the strength to master me.

Something is better than nothing, right? It's a step in the right direction. Although I wasn't looking to be accountability partners. I just wanted him to take the pressure off of me, so I could stop beating myself up emotionally about what a wreck I am. I know I have to give it some time. Patience is not one of my finer qualities. Not by a long shot.

I was eager to go home an spend a little quality time with him after lunch. I didn't need much time, just enough to smooth out my rough spots and make me quiver. He refused. He knew I hadn't been in the office all day and that I had to get some work done. I was crushed. I hate being rejected. So I came to work and decided to blog about our lunch. I know I need to get stuff done. I'm just sooooo tired.

Last night I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to hop blogs until I got tired. You can see my new additions over there ---->

I have to go to work now.* Can I dig in my heels and say I don't wanna? Yeah, that's what I thought... Bye friends.

* I forgot to add this when I wrote the post earlier

Off My Rocker

This morning, Hubby made me breakfast and coffee. He's never done that before (the breakfast anyway), or at least not in a very very very long time. I think the silence we had last night as we lay in bed had something to do with it. I'm angry at his refusal to help me with my needs and he's confused about why his wife would want such a thing. Even I question in. Domestic Discipline? Seriously??? What kind of crazy person am I anyway? I'm obviously not in my right mind. I want to be punished? What would my therapist say? (No way in hell I would ever tell her)

I'm trying hard to see it from Hubby's point of view. His wife just asked him to hurt her physically, to punish her. Everything screams that it's wrong and abusive and, well just wrong. He doesn't like this side of his wife. It's one thing to spank her during sex. That's fun and she enjoys it. He doesn't want to do something that she won't enjoy. He doesn't want to make her cry. They get along so well... Why mess with a good thing? He doesn't want to take on some sort of father role with his wife. She's his partner for goodness sake! They lean on each other. He doesn't feel strong enough to be the leader and his word is the final word and that's it. He's not a tyrant. He just wants his normal wife back. What happened to her?

Hubby doesn't have any really close friends. He has a few guys that he doesn't mind hanging out with now and then, but no one he can really confide in when it comes to this stuff. There is no one he can call up and say, "Hey. So my wife wants me to start being the head of the household, including punishing her for not following my rules. What do you think of this? Is this normal? Has she gone completely off her rocker?" Who can he turn to? He doesn't want to research it. He will read the links I send him, but he doesn't like what he reads most of the time.

I feel bad for him. I do. But I feel bad for me too. I feel like I'm being robbed of this experience. He's refused to help be become a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. I can't do it on my own. I need his help. I need his loving guidance.

I am an all or nothing kind of girl. My first instinct after he told me "No" last night was to pack up all my toys and put them high up in the closet. You know...out of sight, out of mind. I decided against it when I saw my broken hair brush. It somehow got cracked and we can't use it any more. I've been contemplating a replacement. Do I go shopping? Or do I just let it be as a reminder?

This post is getting a little too depressing for me and as usually I'm going to be a little late to work. At least my assistant will be late too.

Big hugs to all my new friends! I'm starting to feel like I belong, even though I am not practicing DD.

He Said No

He said no. Again. My heart is crushed into a million pieces and I want to cry. He says our relationship is a partnership and he doesn't feel comfortable punishing me. He said no. Again and again and again. My heart is broken. I can't begin to describe how I feel. Embarrassed. Shameful. Sad. Hurt. Afraid. Discarded. Alone. Rejected. I can't stop the tears.

What's worse? I knew he would say no. I knew he wouldn't agree to it. It doesn't matter what I want. He doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He is not dominant. He doesn't want to be HoH. I'm a strong woman, and I come from a long line of strong women. But I can't be strong in everything. I feel like I'm failing and I'm begging for his help and he said no. He thinks there are other ways to hold each other accountable. I don't want to do it that way anymore. It hasn't worked for the past 10 years, so what makes him think it will work now? I asked him to be at least willing to experiment. He said no. He's okay with experimenting in a sexual way, but not when it comes to other aspects of our life.

Oh my heart hurts so much. He and the boy are done showering so I have to go now. I'll try to write more later when maybe the sting of rejection is faded a bit.