Talk 'n Tap

Talk 'n Tap...sounds like a fun game, right? Yeah...not so much. But it is great connection time.

Hubby and I have had a Sunday night ritual, or at least it's becoming that, where I lay on the bed bared to him and he slides up next to me. He starts rubbing my back and bottom and starts talking about whatever is on his mind. This week it was the church sermon we heard on Sunday. He asked questions. I answered if I could. He started hand-spanking and rubbing. It has become a very nice way of connecting and keeping my attention.

As we continue through the talk, implements, speed, and ferocity change. The dimensions of the "tap" portion vary with the "talk". It comes in waves, with each one being more intense than the last. It's an intimate connection that I couldn't quite name, so Hubby did. He calls it Talk 'n Tap, aptly initialized as TnT. Seems fitting.

I can only best describe it as something like a maintenance/role affirmation/connection/lecture/stress release spanking all rolled into one. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes he doesn't push it because that's not what his aim is. This week he didn't aim for tears, just understanding.Sometimes the way to this girl's heart is through my butt. Yeah..that doesn't sound exactly how I mean it...Umm...moving on...

This week's TnT session was about the messages that Hubby ascertained through this Sunday's sermon. The first gem he picked up on was Success is when Preparation meets Opportunity. Our problem has been in the preparation. He talked and spanked as he used his Navy experience as a metaphor for preparation to go on a 6 month cruise. The second gem was that Faithfulness leads to Fruitfulness. All of this applies to our home life, how we run our businesses, and our faith. It's amazing how a paddle can drive these points home.

We both come away from these sessions with new motivation to better our lives. He knows how to wield his words as well as any implement. He asks questions and expects answers. He talks with a stern tone when he gets to the heart of his lecture. Through his words and the pain inflicted, I find a release. My stress melts away. His voice is all that matters. He speaks into the depth of me and I am his and his alone. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. I want only to please him.

This can be a pretty intense session. I love it. I crave it. I need it. I seriously can't wait until Sunday!

Do you have a ritual?

(((hugs)))

Fear and Longing

Look! It's my brain!!!

So much about this DD ride can be so confusing. Take for instance Sunday night. It was nothing short of perfect. Hubby took me to a place that I needed to be. He did everything right.

And then he left...

He realized later that night that he had to go to a meeting that was 4 1/2 hours away. This meant that after not seeing much of each other all Monday, he had to take off after one of the kid's sporting events. He drove until 11 pm, found his hotel, spent the night, did his meeting thing, and then got home at dinner time. Since he was up until 2 am, he was exhausted when he got home, and I was irritated.

I had done nothing but obsess about him the entire time and he just wanted to go to bed. I wanted to serve him with all of my being and I felt like I was being ignored. I needed him to be in the same place I was and he just wasn't. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't talk to him. I got angry, hurt, and frustrated. We weren't communicating in the same language. I would say one thing, and he would hear another.

There's a great analogy of how men and women communicate. A man will go look in his closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." What he means is that there are no clothes in the closet because they are in the laundry. A woman will go to her closet and say, "I have nothing to wear." Of course she means that she doesn't have anything to wear that will fit her needs at the time. There are plenty of clothes in the closet. She just doesn't like any of them.

I feel that way when I talk to Hubby. I say I need "motivation" and he hears "nagging" instead of what I mean, which is really spanking and/or the threat thereof. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me just say that we are all different in our needs of ttwd. Some just need the idea. Some need the action. Some need the guilt. Some need praise. We all need love in our own way. For me this means that I need to feel Hubby's dominant presence. I need to be afraid that I will be spanked beyond anything I've experienced if I don't comply. Fear motivates me (at least I think so right now). Not fear of Hubby (I'll never fear him. He's too lovable!). Fear of consequences. It's always what kept me in line when I was younger.

For some, it's not fear but guilt. Guilt can motivate me too, to some extent. Thanks to a long chat with Willie, who can throw a guilt bomb like nobody's business, I realized that if not fear as the motivation, maybe I think about it in terms of what Hubby feels about certain things. That, my friends, is a fine guilt bomb if I ever saw one. And it's not the guilt where I beat myself up. It's the guilt that causes me to take action because I can't stand the thought of him hating a situation that he should love (dirty vs clean home) and that I have control over.

Pleasing him does not motivate me. It should, but it doesn't. That makes me feel bad that it doesn't, but does not cause me to take action. Don't get me wrong, I love to make Hubby happy. But if he were to ask me to do something because it would please him, I may start but I won't finish. But... Had he caught me in the time after the big spanking but before I got derailed, when I would do anything to serve him, then yes; I would've gone to the ends of the earth to please him. But it took spanking me until I cried to achieve that. It took pain, fear of more pain, and panic. I rode that post-spanking high for 24 hours. If he could've been home, I would've done anything for him. What power he wields over me!

I got spanked again last night. It wasn't near the intensity. He lectured about my half-finished cleaning projects. He talked about how we need to be a good example to our children. He talked about how he doesn't want to nag me and that we've already got 2 brats, he doesn't need another one. That got me thinking about if needing to be spanked was childish, and if not, then what is it? Because I don't think it is. What say you?

So many things whirling in my head! I need a glass of wine...

(((hugs)))

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?

Hubby the Great and I'm Not Too Shabby Either

It's been great to be able to read everyone's posts and this is my 2nd post since I've been back, but oddly I haven't had much to write about. Something I noticed, not only here but also in therapy and with anyone who's every met or had dealings with Hubby is that is he very well loved. He has endeared himself to many without even trying. He often tells me how lucky he is to have me and I always reply that it is I who is lucky.

I'm not joking when I say that everyone loves him. The only person that didn't like him was the mother of a girlfriend he had in high school, and that was only because he wasn't Pakistani. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can teach someone at their level of understanding. He is smart and sexy and funny and lovable and comfortable and sexy and kissable and huggable and did I mention sexy? He is more than I've ever wanted and I feel so undeserving most of the time.

And everyone loves him. There is so much he can do that comes so easy to him, and if it's not easy, you would never know it. Also, he's stubborn as all get out. He's got psoriasis on his legs and he had scratched one spot that got infected. It was hot, hard, and pussing (eww), and I told him he had to go to the doctor. But did he? No. He said he didn't have time. Instead, he looked up home remedies. Honestly, this shocked the garbage out of me because normally he's not a researcher of medical stuff, nor a home remedy believer. He started applying honey on his wound and covering it with gauze. Wouldn't you know it, the infection is almost gone! Add crazy and lucky to the list.

I, like most women, compare myself to others. I hold impossibly high standards for myself, which I will never meet, and that gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I compare myself to others which can be both good and bad, but mostly it is destructive behavior. I stay far away from full length mirrors and dress very nondescript (tshirts, shorts, and flipflops). I only wear makeup when I sing background vocals at church, otherwise I am sans beautification. I am a heavier set woman (it's very unfortunate that I have to use those words). I need to lose 80 lbs. So to all of you other women, fat happens and all we can do is our best to get rid of it. I have not done my best, but I am formulating a plan. By Hubby's 20 year reunion in June, I want to be 135 and sexy. Besides, sex is soooo much better when you are skinny. I was at my goal in June of 2009 for my 20 year reunion. Then it all fell apart, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and I just stopped caring. I want to care again. I know it will take some "motivation" to get there and I am fully prepared to accept that. It needs to be done. I cannot live like this anymore.By the way, Hubby has been getting very good at motivating me. His hand packs a powerful wallop while he tells me exactly what I am to do. Let's hope I don't slack...

My therapist has been helping me tremendously. She suggested that I attend an OA meeting, not because I overeat (I seriously don't), but because I can form a bond with the women there and work on my spiritual relationship through the 12 step program. I will do it. I know I can't not try. If the answers are right there, why not? She also had me check out a video by Dr. Brown from the University of Houston. It's only 15 minutes long and she's very funny. Is a very powerful message about the price of invulnerability. Through this message, I have gained some insight about myself that I can't wait to talk to my therapist about. If I can nail these things down, I really think that I will be getting somewhere. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be "enough" (check out this other video by Dr. Brown about "wholeheartedness"). I definitely think I'm making some good progress. I may not be super well-liked by everyone like Hubby is, but I'm not too shabby either.


(Yes, I got up before the alarm to write this post. I know...crazy huh?)