TransParent

Yesterday being Easter, we spent the day at church and with family. Hubby lead a Christian Seder, which only seemed truly appreciated by the children. His uncle and grandma were there along with his sister, her husband, their kids, and of course his mother and step-father. Anytime you get the family together it becomes a game of talking about the least desirable person, usually me. Well yesterday was no exception.


Hubby's grandma (let's just call her my Grand Mother in Law, or GMIL for short) has never thought we were doing anything right. When she first visited our warehouse 3 years ago, where we make and distribute our products, she said that we were pissing our money away and Hubby should be working for someone and saving for retirement. We are a great disappointment to her. She's in her 80's, cranky as all get out, and not afraid to tell anyone her unsolicited opinions. She just asks questions and retorts with all the flaws in one's thinking.

So really it should have come to no surprise when she went on a tirade against me at dinner. I was blindsided by it. She asked if we still had that RV (we got rid of it...unwillingly) and I told her no but that I was thinking about getting a smaller, van-like version of an RV for my mobile nail business. She started asking questions in her usual grumpy, I'm-out-for-blood manner. How was I going to make any money starting a new business? I have an assistant; so why would I pay her for work I should be doing anyway? I am spending money on things when I need to be keeping my business going. I shouldn't have an assistant. I should be doing the work. After all, my first business isn't making me rich. How am I going to buy a house when I don't have any money? She went on about how I'm "pissing" my money away and why am I not saving it and blah blah blah. I forgot about the incident at the warehouse until that moment. But I was in too much shock to tell her where to stick it.

Hubby was not at the table when this was going on. MIL only heard the last part of the conversation, so she didn't say anything. SIL and her husband were across the table, but they just kept their mouths shut. No one came to my defense. I had no witty comebacks and everything I said sounded like I was on the defense, which of course I was.

To drive her point home, GMIL started asking SIL about what she's doing. SIL is going to school full time to become a physical therapist, a doctorate degree. She stayed at home with her kids until they both started going to school full time and then decided to further her own education. She married rich. Her husband has an amazing job with lots of benefits and a huge salary. Because his job takes him from home a lot, SIL is following in the footsteps of her mother and grandma; she is in charge...of EVERYTHING. GMIL sounded like she was going to go on the warpath with SIL, but SIL answered all the questions correctly. When it came to questions of the kids, her homework, and even the sneaky one about who cleans the house, she passed with flying colors.

When it came time for GMIL to leave, she half hugged me and Hubby and said good-bye. She spoke with SIL and her husband loud enough to make sure I heard her say "Good-bye. Love ya. You guys are doing a great job!" to each of them separately. She had a point to make and by golly she was going to make it.

After she left, MIL was speaking with SIL about the incident with an "Oh my goodness! Did you hear her???" She made mention that she was glad she wasn't the target this time. SIL tried to make sure I was not angry with her over it. Of course not. Why would I be angry with Princess SIL? She's got money and ambition and does everything right. I struggle financially, am the least motivated person I know, and am the blackest sheep in the family. It's not her fault she's perfect. It is her fault, however, that she has no spine. None of the women in the family do except for the primary matriarch. And me. That get's me into trouble. A lot.

Hubby and I spoke about it on the way home. He just kept saying that that's who they are; a bunch of miserable, cranky women. He felt bad he wasn't there to stick up for me. He also reminded me that I need to not be so open about our lives around his family. They like to use anything we say against us. I reminded him of what his own mother said just a few weeks ago to my assistant while they were away at a trade show. MIL told her that my SIL does everything right and she adores her children.

Later, after we put the kiddos to bed, Hubby went on a motorcycle ride. He likes to get out every once in a while to go think. When he got back, he said something to me that I am still in shock over. He apologized to me for not validating my feelings , for not being there to stick up for me, and for not being transparent about his feelings (I thought he was just talking about this particular situation, but in writing this realized that he was speaking of the trouble I've always seen with his mother.). He responded to the it with a wall, when really he was very hurt by what had happened. He finds it incredibly unfair that his sister is treated like a princess while we are practically shunned. His mother is always openly proud of his sister, and never of him. He is hurt by it. He just kept saying that she loved us just the same, it's just that we lived closer so she didn't miss us as much as her daughter (who lives a whole hour away, and who's kids she sees more than ours). MIL doesn't realize that we moved here to be closer to family and that she's making us regret our decision.

He brought up the fact that we do not treat our daughter any better or worse than our son. We do not praise our girl and put down our boy. They are equals, and as such have the same love from us. I cuddle just as much with one as the other. I am stern with both of them equally. We have the same expectations of each of them; to strive to be the best they can, to be respectful, truthful, and kind.

But Hubby's family is very conditional with their love. I do not meet their requirements. I'm an obligation to be put up with. Now, if I were to stomp all over Hubby, make him work for the "man", dinner on the table at 6 every night, perfect children, own my own perfectly clean house...well then I might stack up. But Hubby didn't marry a spineless man-hater. He married me; strong-willed, messy, honest, pull-no-punches, fight-for-the-underdog me and all my imperfections. He loves me just the way I am. That's good because I ain't changing for anybody except myself. And I kinda like me, even if his family doesn't.

Still, it would be so nice to have family that we didn't have to be on our guard with. But Hubby being transparent with me and his feelings has just made a huge difference in me. I feel empowered. I feel like my feelings are justified. I also feel like crying. I think it's the combination of relief that I'm not (completely) crazy and sorrow for Hubby. He refused to see what I have been pointing out all along, but not because it wasn't true. It was because he didn't want to accept the pain that came with that truth. How could a mother love one child over another. It doesn't seem fathomable to us that would never dream of it. So how could it be? We don't know... We also don't know how to deal with it.

Update: Hubby says he is sure his mother loves him, but it's how she treats me and the kids that hurts the most.

See how much I have to talk to my therapist about today?

(((hugs)))

Love and Idiot Lights

I've been working on several posts in my head, none of which would make a whole post; more like a blurb. I finally have a little something though.

Thanks to Dana (again), I decided to go take my Love Language test. Obviously, if you couldn't tell by the ((hugs)) I leave everyone, I am a physical touch person. What I found interesting is how Hubby was so different (yes, I made him take the test too). Mine looks like this (from most important to least):

Physical Touch
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service

Quality Time and Words of Affirmation tied for 2nd.

Hubby's profile looked more like this:

Acts of Service
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation

Quality Time and Receiving Gifts tied for 2nd, but he said that receiving gifts was the lesser of 2 evils. When asked "Would you rather your wife tell you how wonderful you are or surprise you with a little gift?" he would choose gift because he feels no need for words of affirmation.

It's so important for us to know each other's love language so we can see how to love each other best. I have kind of always known that he was and Acts of Service guy, but I didn't know that that's how he feels loved. Looking around at the house, you could plainly see that I have not been loving him in the way that he needs.

We have a tendency, as people, to love others in the way we feel love, not in the way that they need it. No wonder so many people feel so unloved. If we understood each other better, then maybe there would be less divorce, breakups, and heartache in this world. I urge you all to go take the love languages test; you and your significant other. It's free and only takes a few minutes. After the test, you will receive and email with your results and it also has suggestions on how you can show love to your SO according to their love language.

I have not been doing well loving Hubby how he feels loved best, and really I never have. This morning was a prime example. Every morning I am to get up and get the kids ready to go to school so that when he is done showering and getting dressed, they can all walk out the door. I made sure they got dressed for the most part and then I went back to bed. Once he was done, he had a lot of stuff to do to finish getting the kids ready, like finding backpacks and making snacks. He was pretty upset, made a few comments, and generally was in a mood that looked more like I was in for it.

Of course I wasn't. I should've been. I rightly deserved to be. I was half expecting him to come home, demand I get out of bed, and bend over the end of it. I expected him to grab the leather paddle, pull down my panties, and let loose on my behind all the while lecturing me on how I know he needs my help in the morning and how it's my responsibility to help him. He didn't. Instead, he came home in a good mood talking about how he let his best friend borrow his motorcycle for the day. I, of course, feel guilty for not doing what I should've. And what is the best way to assuage that guilt but to bare myself for punishment.

I've been doing a lot of reading and realized that that is what punishment is for. I was so confused about it before. Why do I feel the need to get spanked? It's how I could get rid of the guilt that plagues me, and according to my therapist, guilt is and always will be my biggest struggle. Receiving a spanking also how I show my submission. When Hubby and I are intimate, I will often lay on my tummy so he can have his way with me. He loves to watch me wriggle while he paddles away. (I know...TMI...sorry) So while he may want to punish by making me do chores or taking away privileges, he misses the point of the punishment. My guilt does not go away by doing chores of loosing my phone. My guilt goes away when I feel like I can cry it out. Does this make sense?

Finally, I want to leave you with something on a lighter note. Yesterday morning I was driving around when I noticed this idiot light staring at me. I had never seen anything like it before, but being of the same mindset, I am sure you can see what I was thinking.

I know now that is a low tire pressure indicator light. But what does it look like to you?

Have a good weekend! (((hugs)))

Trust and Date Night Funnies

Yesterday was pretty crazy day. I had to clean out my car (under the seat where the kids sit) before I even got my day started. That was very VERY icky. Then we needed to meet for a workout session. I was five minutes late. Ugh...

After all that, it was time to go see my therapist. She's a pretty great woman. She's very smart. I don't think that I could've gotten through the past six months without her. But I also discovered something else. I could not have gotten through the past six months without Hubby willing to take on ttwd.

Ttwd has forced me to learn how to trust. It's not that I didn't trust Hubby. It's just that I didn't trust him deeply and completely. The amount of trust that it takes to submit myself, my bare bottom, to Hubby and his will is more that I ever thought I had in me. Even he was amazed at the level of trust I had for him.

It really is a testament to submission. If I can trust Hubby with my submissive heart fully, then I can trust him fully when crap hits the fan. When things go badly and I am in crisis, I know he is there for me. I know he will hold my hand through it. I know he will not abandon me. And I know he will always look out for what's best for me. I would not have known this had I not submitted to him to begin with.

My therapist, while she does not know about ttwd, she has noted marked improvement in my ability to cope with situations that involve a high level of stress. I've become a new woman. I may still be unfolding, but I am making progress. I believe that is what ttwd is all about. It's about being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, and being able to be strong when life throws you a curve ball.

I paid for being late along with letting the gas tank get below 1/4. I was given another discounted spanking, although Hubby didn't see it that way. He's going at his own pace. He's not comfortable with the disciplinary aspect of ttwd. I'm sure he'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'm left with mixed feelings about it.

He instructed me to pack a couple things. Gramom had the kids for the night and we weren't just going to stay at home. We were going to stay at a hotel on the beach! We had dinner and drinks. And then walked to a bar and had more drinks (If you are ever in Daytona Beach near the Bandshell, stop by the Mai Tai bar and ask for a Lava Flow with a Kraken float. You totally will not be disappointed).

I took notes throughout the night of things you could've heard as we talked (somewhat loudly at times) had you been eaves dropping.

Things said last night:

You know me, I like getting spanked.

So you want a holey paddle?

I can almost feel the embarrassment right now.

That Captain's word is law

Vows made in the storm are forgotten in calm water

Well that threat wiped the smile off your face!

-Poor Lillie had to do sit-ups for eating jelly beans.
-I like the way Ian thinks!

You ate Nemo's dad!

I need a momay (playing off of edemame)

Release the Kraken!!! (Actually said by both of us several times)

Aaaaaahhhhhgggggrrrrrrhhhhh!!! Bobcat Goldthwait circa 1992!

-What?! That's a big swirly mess??
-No. I said it was a big swing and a miss.

Polish manicure: you paint your nails and scrape the ends off. We could sell that sh*t! (Hubby is half Polish and quite funny)

There was so much more but alas, my phone ran out of juice and I didn't have my purse on me. We had a bit to drink. We both had a really good time. By the level of hangover this morning, I would say he more than me. Lol!

Hope your day is wonderful! ((hugs))

Discount Spanking

I have always gotten off easy. Until now, all my spankings have been for the purposes of erotica/stress relief. We had a couple of trial "reminder" spankings that consisted of 3-4 swats each side and it was painful, but that's been it. It was then decided that this whole thing was a bit confusing. Both of us needed more definition regarding rules and guidelines. I outlined what I thought followed the general principles of ttwd (emphasis on "we"). It's more of a list of categories. I'm not posting it here, but you can leave your email in a comment or email me and I will send you what I wrote out.  Hubby was pretty happy with it and we agreed that it will work for us.

I had broken major rule on Friday. I lied about something. I'm not sure why I did it, but this has become a disturbing trend for me. Hubby found out about the lie yesterday. Nothing was said until I sent him the new rule setup and explained to him that I knew I had broken a big rule, so I suggested that if he wanted to, he could take care of the infraction later. But there was a problem. I had received some news about my brother that set me off in a panic. I ended up at my therapist's for an emergency session. Some things I can deal with. This was bad enough that it wrecked my world. Let's just say he's gonna need a really good lawyer.

Hubby didn't worry about taking care of the infraction, even though I offered myself. He said that he just wanted to hold me. Seriously I can hear y'all "Awwww!"-ing from here. Lol.

One of my rules is that I am to be ready to leave the house by 8 am. Whether we are meeting to work out together or I just have to go to work, I am to be wherever I'm supposed to be at a decent time. On days we don't work out, I have to be to work by 8:30.

This morning I didn't even get into the shower until 8. He came in and warned me that I was already getting spanked, how much was dependent on how late I was to work. Well, I was 5 minutes late. Add to that the infraction from Friday, and I was in deep doodoo.

But since this was my first technical punishment spanking corrective action, I was given a discounted spanking, as he called it. I would receive 60% off the morning lateness, but add in 20% for the extra 5 minutes I was late. Then I got 80% off the big infraction. In total, that's 5 swats each side. That 67% off the original total. Am I lucky or what?!?!

He knows he was easy on me. He said not to expect discounts every spanking. I think because this was the first official corrective action, he was reluctant. He doesn't want to punish me. He doesn't like doing it. But from what I've heard, it won't be long before he is punishing with gusto. I have read it several places that once he sees what it does for me, for us, and for our family, that he will be less reserved.

Is this your experience?

The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.

Confessions:

I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...

(((hugs)))

The Crossroads and the Plate

I saw my therapist today. We discussed all kinds of things like my assessment results from taking several online tests I took, like StregthFinders 2.0. We also discussed how I'm not a mind reader, even though I still beg to differ that my MIL's thoughts can be easily read through her body language. She doesn't hide it well at all. We also talked about how I am at a crossroads with everything in my life. What???

The Crossroads:

My therapy - We've dealt with so much already. It's time to take steps, but in which direction? Why can't someone just tell me what to do? She thinks I should go back to school. I told her how much I hate school. It's difficult for me because I'm a kinesthetic learner. That presents many challenges for me in traditional education. So what to do? I dunno...

My business - What I should be when I grow up, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment is what I already am, but changes need to be made. I am a projects kinds of girl. I start them and I can finish them as long as they don't go on too long. If they require any length of time, I get bored and set it aside with promises that I will get back to it, only to never pick it up again. It's not that I'm lying when I promise. I have every intention of finishing it. But the monotony of owning my own business, all the daily tasks, it's a never ending project that bores the crap out of me. It's monotonous and boooooooring and I hate it. But there are several challenges to it that I like. And then there is the fact that I have been flaky and forgetful. I hate flaky people. How did I become one?

My marriage - I made a change in my marriage. I decided to take a long hard look at myself and institute changes. I don't want to be a bitch to Hubby. I don't want to ignore his needs anymore. Sometimes he wants me to do things and gets frustrated with me for not getting to them. I completely understand that. If I were him, I would be frustrated too. Of course if I were him, I would've had me bent over the bed a long time ago...

My children - The kids... Don't get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my pride and joy. They are amazing, smart, fun little people. But I'm not good at parenting them. They are a project that has gotten excruciatingly out of hand. They drive me absolutely crazy. I love to snuggle and love and kiss and huggle with them. I love to share songs and watch them put on plays for me. I love to teach them little things like how bubbles in soda make a straw float to the top of the glass. But I'm not so good with the big picture.

My home - It's a mess. An ever-lovin' disaster! Stuff is everywhere. I'm a clutter bug. The worst part is that I can clean an area until it sparkles and be very good about putting things back and keeping that area clean and somehow, someway the clutter finds it and invades it. I turn my back and my dresser is covered in clothes that should be put away. I leave the bathroom for 5 minutes and everything ends up back on the counters. It's amazing how it happens. And I gave up. I stopped trying a long time ago.

My finances - As Hubby will attest to, I am a wreck. I have some bills that have been following me all year. I avoid the mailbox like the plague because I know what's in there...another bill. I don't answer my phone if I don't know the number because it's that doctors office again... When I don't have money, I avoid the bills. Thing is, when I do have money, I still avoid them because I don't want to deal with them. Bills aren't new projects. They are old projects that won't quit bugging me.

My therapist suggested that maybe we should work on ways to make old "projects", be it bills, cleaning, or kids, have a new and creative edge to them so I feel challenged instead of bogged down. Any suggestions?

The Plate:

I used this analogy with a friend of mine and she thought it was pretty good; If I were standing holding with a plate full of mexican jumping beans at shoulder level, that would be a pretty good representation of my life right now. Every employee request, note home from school, bill in the mail, or toy on the floor is just another bean added to my plate. It's annoying and irritating and frustrating and stressful. I am overwhelmed.

My therapist said that all the feelings I'm having right now are because I am at these crossroads and I'm building up the energy to make a change. What I perceive as this feeling of annoyance and irritation and frustration is really just the energy building. The stress of these feelings is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I don't like it, but it's been a long, a long time coming, and I know a change gonna come...

Hubby the Great and I'm Not Too Shabby Either

It's been great to be able to read everyone's posts and this is my 2nd post since I've been back, but oddly I haven't had much to write about. Something I noticed, not only here but also in therapy and with anyone who's every met or had dealings with Hubby is that is he very well loved. He has endeared himself to many without even trying. He often tells me how lucky he is to have me and I always reply that it is I who is lucky.

I'm not joking when I say that everyone loves him. The only person that didn't like him was the mother of a girlfriend he had in high school, and that was only because he wasn't Pakistani. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can teach someone at their level of understanding. He is smart and sexy and funny and lovable and comfortable and sexy and kissable and huggable and did I mention sexy? He is more than I've ever wanted and I feel so undeserving most of the time.

And everyone loves him. There is so much he can do that comes so easy to him, and if it's not easy, you would never know it. Also, he's stubborn as all get out. He's got psoriasis on his legs and he had scratched one spot that got infected. It was hot, hard, and pussing (eww), and I told him he had to go to the doctor. But did he? No. He said he didn't have time. Instead, he looked up home remedies. Honestly, this shocked the garbage out of me because normally he's not a researcher of medical stuff, nor a home remedy believer. He started applying honey on his wound and covering it with gauze. Wouldn't you know it, the infection is almost gone! Add crazy and lucky to the list.

I, like most women, compare myself to others. I hold impossibly high standards for myself, which I will never meet, and that gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I compare myself to others which can be both good and bad, but mostly it is destructive behavior. I stay far away from full length mirrors and dress very nondescript (tshirts, shorts, and flipflops). I only wear makeup when I sing background vocals at church, otherwise I am sans beautification. I am a heavier set woman (it's very unfortunate that I have to use those words). I need to lose 80 lbs. So to all of you other women, fat happens and all we can do is our best to get rid of it. I have not done my best, but I am formulating a plan. By Hubby's 20 year reunion in June, I want to be 135 and sexy. Besides, sex is soooo much better when you are skinny. I was at my goal in June of 2009 for my 20 year reunion. Then it all fell apart, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and I just stopped caring. I want to care again. I know it will take some "motivation" to get there and I am fully prepared to accept that. It needs to be done. I cannot live like this anymore.By the way, Hubby has been getting very good at motivating me. His hand packs a powerful wallop while he tells me exactly what I am to do. Let's hope I don't slack...

My therapist has been helping me tremendously. She suggested that I attend an OA meeting, not because I overeat (I seriously don't), but because I can form a bond with the women there and work on my spiritual relationship through the 12 step program. I will do it. I know I can't not try. If the answers are right there, why not? She also had me check out a video by Dr. Brown from the University of Houston. It's only 15 minutes long and she's very funny. Is a very powerful message about the price of invulnerability. Through this message, I have gained some insight about myself that I can't wait to talk to my therapist about. If I can nail these things down, I really think that I will be getting somewhere. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be "enough" (check out this other video by Dr. Brown about "wholeheartedness"). I definitely think I'm making some good progress. I may not be super well-liked by everyone like Hubby is, but I'm not too shabby either.


(Yes, I got up before the alarm to write this post. I know...crazy huh?)

Cruisin'

I'm BAAAAaaaack! Did ya miss me??? I sure missed all of you...my "sisters" and friends. I'm so glad to be back. My cruise was a much needed lesson. My world should not revolve around my blog, or everyone else's blogs. I spent more time with Hubby. We had a long and intense "vacation" and let me tell you, arnica is a miracle. We also had what Hubby dubbed as "spanky sprinkles", to which both of us laughed hysterically because you can not say that without sounding utterly effeminate.

The first thing I did was to close my laptop. Without it, I don't blog. And I can't blog from my phone. The second thing I did was to get out of my room. That is where I do most of my blogging, only because my poor MacBook is so old that the battery no longer charges, so where it's plugged in is where it stays, and it's safest in my room. The third thing I did was sleep. Okay, so sleeping is technically in my room, but I was sick. The cold I had turned out to be a whopper. I just got over most of it yesterday.

Hubby and I talked a lot. I realized that even when I think I'm being patient, I'm not really. Hubby called it Dog Years. 1 day to me feels like 3 weeks already, are we there yet?!?!?! I feel like I have no concept of time anymore. I guess when I want something, I want it now and I've been about as patient as I'm going to get. Plus, ever since I started going to therapy, it feels like we picked off an emotional scab and everything is raw underneath. My stress, anger, hurt, guilt...it's all there at the surface. It's all fresh again. And I grapple with it like a child. I ball up my fists and punch my pillow and cry that it's not fair. The only way to the other side is through it. It's hard work. So yeah, patience is not my friend right now.

Last night we discussed my blogging privileges. Hubby has decreed that once a month, and not during that time of the month, I will take a "cruise" for at least 2 days. I am not to blog in the morning unless I get up before the alarm, in which case I can blog until the alarm goes off. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not getting up before 6:30 am to blog. This girl needs her sleep! I may not blog during work hours. I didn't anyway, but this was a point made clear during the discussion. I may blog in the afternoons, as long as I am not spending the entire afternoon doing it. The kids still need to get homework done, dinner needs to be figured out, and there are chores that refuse to do themselves. I am not to live in blogland. I get that. I'm okay with it. I know I can't let it consume me anymore.

But seriously? The day my cruise started, I was emailed this Groupon offer and I couldn't tell you all about it. It's been driving me crazy. So I finally get to share it with you. Are you ready for this?

You know how we see DD references everywhere?

 

 What's worse? I've seen them driving down the street I live off of. I can't help but giggle!

((Hugs)) everyone!