Paint and Magnets: The Story of the Spanking I Didn't Want

Since my last post, all of 16 days ago, so much has happened, and not happened, and changed. It's amazing really. The first 8 days were fine. Our last TnT (on May 5th) was pretty underwhelming. Hubby didn't have a whole lot to say, so the lecture wasn't a lecture at all. It all left me feeling pretty blah. All was going along fine I guess, until the day before Mother's day. By then, I was cranky. To top things off, Hubby was irritating me. He does this thing that just drives me up a freakin wall. Instead of asking/telling me something outright, he asks a pre-question, a question leading up to whatever it is he wants. It's usually, "What are you doing?" or "Are you busy right now?" By now, I know that it's always leading to something he wants me to do. He says he asks me about what I'm doing to make sure I'm not busy, but really what's the point. So I immediately get irritated because for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just ask/tell me what you want already! Ugh...

Anyway, he came up and asked me what I was doing and why I was painting my nails. I told him that I was on hold with FTD for 1 hour and 15 minutes, so I started to paint my nails and they aren't dry yet. He stated, "Well, everyone else is working." Yeah...thanks for the guilt bomb, now go suck an egg. See how cranky that makes me? I took off the polish and really I don't remember what I did after that. I was not happy, I know that. I was all attitude and hormones. He let it go and decided to ignore it. I guess he thought that if he didn't acknowledge my mood, then it would go away. Right...

Mother's day was wonderful. I woke up happy. My daughter gave me a picture she drew with the words "Happy Mothe's Day" at the top. Yep. I'm the happy Mothe. Lol! I got perfume and a purse. We went on our annual horseback ride in honor of my mother. She loved horses, and still owned 2 when she died. Then we went to on a pirate treasure hunt adventure cruise. It was great fun for the kiddos. It was a happy day. No TnT, but I was not in the mood anyway. We hadn't been close all week, so why start now?

Monday, I went a little crazy. We had been talking for a few weeks about changes we wanted/needed to make. We were going to move and even looked at a couple houses but decided that moving right now didn't make much sense. So I suggested that what we should do instead is change how we live now. Move out of one room, paint/decorate how we want it, and then move back in. I had looked at furniture for our bedroom. We don't have a set or even a headboard. The set I picked out is way out of our budget and Hubby said that if I really wanted it, we would have to save for it. So I showed him paint chip samples. He liked the one I picked out, but said we aren't painting until I clean up our room and we can make the house more presentable.

I did some work Monday morning, then Hubby and I had lunch together. He went back to work and I set out to get a few things to get a work project done. Along the way, I got the harebrained idea on that I would get some little jars of paint tinted the colors I had picked out. Then I went shopping for a few more things. I was running out of time and needed to go get the kiddos, but decided to stop by the house and paint small sections on each wall to get a feel for what the color would look like. When I was about half-way through painting, the thought occurred to me that he might just get a little upset about it, but I dismissed it because I was already half-done. It's not like I could undo it. And really, what was he going to do besides get a little pissy?

When I got home from grabbing the kids, he came outside and he was livid. I could see it in his eyes. What did I do? I ignored it. Then he said something. So I got indignant. After all, how dare he be mad at me? I'm just trying to further along the process. Mr. Grumpy Pants had a few words but that was it. The rest of the evening went fine, like nothing was wrong. That is...until we went to bed.

I got undressed, like I normally do, in just a tshirt, and hopped in bed. I heard him in the bathroom closet (where we keep our implements) but thought that he wasn't really going to spank me. He probably was looking for a comfy shirt for bed. And since I don't feel like getting spanked, then we wouldn't do it. I am the one who has to offer to get him to do it anyway. I'm not feeling submissive and he can shove it.

He got into bed and grabbed my arm to guide me onto my belly. I resisted, asking him what was up. He asked me what I thought was up as he continued to maneuver me into position. He started spanking me with his hand and I could tell he was upset. He was on a mission. I was not in the mood at all, but I let him have his way. Now, unlike most of you amazing TiH's, I don't remember everything that was said. He did want to know what I did all day after we parted. I was supposed to grab a couple things and go back to work.

Instead, I went to Office Depot to grab some cardstock, CVS to get some prepainted stick-on nails and then spend 45 minutes applying them in my car, Home Depot for paint, Michaels for a paper cutter and beads, Claires to get replacement earrings and a toe ring, and then home to splotch paint on the walls. I didn't make the dinner I had planned and so we had to eat takeout. He asked me again and again what I had been doing (Sorry honey, I didn't remember about the nails until just now). At one point, I got angry. He continued spanking and lecturing and I stewed and kept telling myself "I am submitting to this!" and it was the most confusing thing ever. I didn't want to give up or give in. I rolled onto my side and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was angry and to leave me alone. He wanted to know why I was angry. It was then I realized that I didn't really know.

He said some things that ticked me off, but for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I was just trying to make the feelings make sense but it was all spaghetti in my mind, one feeling leading to another and then another. He continued to speak to me lovingly. I finally broke down. I cried and he held me. He finally reached me, the loving wonderful wife that can't live without him that was buried under a huge pile of hormones and anger and frustration. I was there all along. I confessed to breaking just about every "D" out there and then some. I cried and apologized. I was finally back.

The next morning, we embraced and he smiled. He said I was like a boomerang. He just let me get to far out and needed to help me come back. He said that he won't let me get that far again. He could see how this thing worked now and, even though he didn't understand why it worked, he would stay on top of it from now on. I said I thought I was more like a magnet. I flipped to the wrong side and no matter how hard I tried, the opposing force between us wouldn't let me come back. The spanking was merely the flipping of my magnet, after which, I couldn't get close enough.

I have read it over and over again in so many blog posts; this phenomenon that we all seem to share. I didn't really have much of a problem before ttwd, at least none that I recognized. But now, somehow I start doing my own thing, inching away without even realizing it. Next thing I know I "spiral" and start getting out of control and have no desire to come back to center. The invisible forcefield is up and there's just no changing that so I continue on my not-so-merry way. Spanking is my reset button, my flip of the magnet. Maybe that's what I will call it; The Magnet Phenomenon. It's my theory and I'm stickin to it!

And that is the story of how I got the first spanking I didn't want. But I needed it. I certainly deserved it. From painting my nails to painting the walls, for all the disrespect, distancing, dishonesty,and defiance, that was one well-earned spanking. I am still surprised he didn't make me bend over the bed instead, and wield every implement in his arsenal so that I couldn't sit down for a week. But, this is Hubby we are talking about. We haven't quite drawn a line in the sand about corrective actions. I'm still trying to talk him into it. I know...I'm crazy. But I need consistency and boundaries or I am just going to flip my magnet. It's not on purpose, it's just a fact.

Do you see this in you too? I would love to hear your views on the Magnet Phenomenon.

(((hugs)))

She's NOT a Child: HoH PoV

First, I want to thank all that contributed to this post. HoH's and TiH alike have been very forthcoming and it's really helping me put together a clearer picture. Ttwd isn't easy and it takes a lot of bravery to share your innermost thoughts on such an intimate topic.

My last post, I'm NOT a Child, received quite a few comments from other TiH about how they felt about their relationships and how they don't feel as though they are just another child that has to be dealt with. There is great wisdom in their words and, if you haven't already, you should go back and read the comments. It was an eye opener for me. Hubby did not have the same take on it. He was still feeling the same way about it so I decided on a different course of action. I set out to ask HoH's their points of view. If there is anything a man can understand, it's another man, right?

So I wrote an email and sent it out. If you didn't get one, don't worry. It's not because I skipped you. It's either that I sent one but never got answered, or I forgot. Please, by all means, leave your answers to these questions in the comments. I want to get as full a picture as I can...for Hubby's sake.

Here's the email:

Hubby and I are at a strange point in our relationship. He feels that punishing me would be too much like treating me like I'm another child in our house. I wrote a blog post on Monday about the DD relationship and how I am not a child, even though I get spanked, etc. I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of great answers from all my fellow TiHers. Hubby read everything, but is still not really convinced. I was wondering if your HoH would be willing to answer a few questions to help out my HoH. I would also like to take all the answers I get and compile them into a post for my blog. Would that be okay?
Here are the questions (I stole them from my last blog post):
1. How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?
2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?
3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?
4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?
5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?
Thanks so much for your help! I think it will help Hubby to hear a POV from the men. If you can think of any other advice, please feel free to add it. Also, if you think of an HoH that could answer this, please feel free to forward this email to them.
Thanks so much!

The answers came in from all over, so I will color code them for you.
1.  How do you make sense of your DD/ttwd arrangement without feeling like your TiH is a child?

There is an agreement between two adults, where a child has no voice in the matter. And if it is done as a punishment ( as you know we haven't done that very often) it is still a reconnection between to adults to re-establish boundaries.  Again brought to the husband from the wife, in both our cases.  Whereas when you punish a child it is merely a deterrent for future behaviours, and it is a closure of an issue or bone of contention ( clean slate) between a husband and wife.  ~ Barney 

Originally, with great difficulty, but it is only a perception.  We like to think that as we get older we lose our childish behaviours, but in reality they become ingrained in our adult lives as a "given right".  An example:  We went to school there was always a group of kids that felt entitled, because of money, looks, etc.  this is a childish behaviour we hope they would grow out of, and today we have a coffee chop in town and there is two tables in the centre and an "elite" (in their minds) group of people consider them their tables, everyone subtly knows to side around the outside ring.   Now it is considered a given that they are entitled and the rest of us are not - this is a childish way of behaving.  My beautiful wife, as much as she is a mature woman, can exhibit behaviours that are negative to her well being, to our marriage, etc… as her husband, and the leader in the family, I am the authority and decide what is acceptable and what is not.  ~ Ian (at Ian and Lillie's Place) 

There is nothing about the way we do dd that is parent/child like.  We've avoided that completely b/c to be honest, the very idea is creepy.  The fact that this requires consent between the two of us makes all the difference in the world. ~ Susie & MM 

We address adult issues that involve adult emotions.  We communicate as adults.  There's no sense of "teaching right from wrong" in our marriage as there would be in a parent/child dynamic.  My wife already knows right from wrong when it comes to morals, ethics, legal matters, etc., as do I.  Our dynamic is about doing what's best for the overall safety and well-being of the family and working toward the goals we both have for the family as a whole.  Honestly it's nothing like a parent/child dynamic at all, but I think someone hesitant to start the lifestyle or a naysayer wouldn't completely understand that until they actually experience and FEEL the lifestyle after practicing it themselves. ~ Clint & Chelsea

2. Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship?

When you 'warn or scold ' your wife, it is more of a ' this is going to be detrimental to our relationship and dynamic' as opposed to , this is not what society accepts,or proper behaviour  which is why we do this for our children.  We are raising our children to face the world, we are trying to grow as a couple in a way that has us respectful towards each other.  Between a husband and wife it is how words make us feel, whereas when we 'correct' our children it is societal. In all honesty (Wilma speaking now) we as women KNOW how to behave, but our emotions run free with our husbands, both in a negative and a positive way.  But if we do that in a way that is detrimental to our relationship, we need you to give us pause.  ~ Barney 

In my opinion only, warning and scolding are a part of modern marriages in some ways.  Scolding might come in the form of the silent treatment, or refusal to engage in things that interest your spouse, holding back sex, etc.  Many of these ways of relating anger or disappointment are very detrimental to a marriage.   If you have a consensual agreement to use tools like spanking to work through problems, that is so much different than the relationship between a parent with children.  ~ Ian  

Warning and scolding only have a place when we are tackling something new--it comes into play when an old habit breaks loose and I need some help to overcome it.  We've tackled bunches of these over the past two years but again, it's not like talking down to a child.  It is about pointing out to me when I'm doing something, b/c it is so ingrained that I usually don't realize it.  Once I realize it, it becomes my responsibility to tackle it and really give it my best effort.  When I won't or don't..that's when spanking becomes a harsh reality. ~ Susie & MM 

Warnings, "scoldings" (although I wouldn't say I ever "scold" my wife - we simply discuss matters), and spankings all result from some sort of bending or breaking of consensually agreed upon rules for the marriage.  With a parent/child dynamic, the child doesn't necessarily understand or consent/agree to the rules the parent puts in place for them.  In a DD marriage, both spouses discuss and agree to rules, fully understanding what will happen if they're broken.  That's the biggest difference.  And, as I briefly touched on in my answer to the first question, the emotions are much more sophisticated, complex, and "adult", and the issues/actions/behaviors being addressed are much more mature, intricate and "adult" as well.  ~ Clint & Chelsea

3. If you have children that are still at home and of disciplinary age, how do you separate your feelings when your TiH does something punishable vs. your child?

When Wilma is punished in her case it is more of a clean slate mind set.  She has regret for her actions.  Punishment is more that for her and for me, so we can move on.  There isn't a feeling of closure when we punish our children.  I am more confident in punishing my wife, because she has asked me to, and I trust that this works for her, than I am with punishing my children. ~ Barney

4. Do you feel like a father figure to your TiH when you have to warn, scold, spank, or otherwise discipline?

No absolutely not.  I have never really thought about it.  Again because she brought this to me and she doesn't feel that way either.  To her this is a symbol of my strength and confidence, and perhaps they did see that in their fathers, but this isn't what it is about to HER ,therefore it isn't to me. ~ Barney 

I will admit that I always felt like I should be filling the role of a father figure in my family, and that began from the time I knew that I wanted to marry Lillie and be a family.  It was a very surprising realization, because I was aware that I wanted to protect her, but she wouldn't let me be that person in the marriage.  I was a power struggle for years and years.  Dd was the beginning of a new life.   When I was finally able to get past that idea that I was "playing" at being a father to my wife, and see it as a consensual leadership role, a responsibility,  it felt very natural, as though I finally had the ability to do what I was meant to do.  Actually, and I think this is true of a lot of non dd marriages, the husband is doing it anyway, as  I did before, I just didn't have a mechanism to deal with some of the things that I had to protect her from.  Imagine being an authority figure or a parent with no way to discipline.  ~ Ian 

He says not and there have been times that I have felt stupid for needing his help with things but one of the ways we try to stay away from it is by avoiding things that feel childish to us (and that doesn't mean that it feels that way for others.)  No corner time (he tried it--train wreck), no writing lines or essays or anything like that.   If we had children, we would likely not spank so even that gets separated out as an adult activity.  ~ Susie & MM 

No, I don't.  I'm not her dad, I'm her husband.  I feel like an equal partner doing my part in making the marriage and home as safe, secure, stable, happy, and harmonious as possible.  Again, I don't punish my wife to teach her right from wrong.  She already knows right from wrong.  I punish to keep the direction of our marriage and family in line with the long-term goals we both envision for our future. ~ Clint & Chelsea

5. If you struggled with the same problem as Hubby, how did you get over it?

No I don't see Wilma as a child, but I can understand how that can be confusing.  I think I still see us as a partnership.  I don't see me as superior to Wilma.  She has asked for my help and this is something I can do for her, which in turn is for us. ~ Barney 

I did struggle to become comfortable with the idea in the beginning.  However, that struggle was short lived because  the benefits of the lifestyle became apparent, and so I gradually put more faith into the process and it just grew into what we have.   I would say, give it a chance.  Look at it this way:  My wife loves to receive flowers from me.  When I make the effort, it has an obvious effect on her.  So, I do it because she needs those little things.  Most men do similar things in one way or another, and even if you can't see what the benefit is in this lifestyle in the beginning, if she needs it, if she is asking for it, you owe it to her to give it your best effort.  I was really unsure when I got the first help from Mick.  It seemed wrong somehow, but I made the decision to give my wife what she needed and now looking back, it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage.  ~ Ian 

I think at the core of our Dd and seeing it on adult terms is the reality that each of us are responsible adults.  Every couple is different and every woman needs different things.  My husband does not micromanage, nor would he except in extreme circumstances.  There are no chore lists, no things to get done and only a handful of rules.  We are both expected to keep our ends of the bargain in taking care of our lives and he simply wouldn't be comfortable with spanking me for not getting work done.  LOL...as you know, I have the opposite problem.  Our Dd focuses on my emotional needs, helping me stay centered.  When I start straying from that center I get feisty and disrespectful.  That's the stuff that I get spanked for and it brings me back around.  I will disobey him sometimes or blatantly go against his wishes and that is almost always about grabbing for control.  He cracks down on that stuff like a crazy man...and so he should.  All that to say that we have found the core of why we need this, what it works for.  As each couple does that, I think they find how to do all of this in a very adult way and as you do, I hope some of the worries of your husband disappear.  This is all about what the two of us/the two of YOU need.  It takes a long time to figure that out.  We have to do our parts in improving on the things that they decided they really care about.  To spank for the same thing over and over is very defeating and no man wants to do it.  For us that has taken a lot of communication as I try to tell him how I'm working at something and he continues to use the physical discipline to reinforce things till I conquer a problem.  The other kinds of spankings--the ones that are about helping me get centered...they aren't going away and everything about them is adult like for us.  ~ Susie & MM 

Before we began domestic discipline I (Chelsea) wondered this question a lot- how is this NOT treating me like a child, and how does this not make him like a father figure? However, once we tried and experienced it, I realized it was absolutely nothing like a parent/child relationship. We've now been practicing domestic discipline for a long time and I never once have felt any differently towards my husband. He's my husband, and that feeling has never changed. So, this question is hard for me to answer because there really was nothing for me to move past. Once we began practicing, the feeling to me instantly did not feel like a father/child one. ~ Clint & Chelsea

I was very impressed by the variety of answers. This once again goes to show that ttwd is unique to every couple. No one will have the same take, but we all understand our relationship as it is.

Thank you everyone for your input! Again, if you would like to add to this, please leave a comment, with the question number you are responding to. Thanks so much!

(((hugs)))

I'm NOT a Child

I discovered something yesterday. Call it that feeling of safety, of being cherished, of feeling loved and protected. When Hubby covers my hands with his, I feel all those things and more. It's an amazing and quite surprising feeling. Its effects lingered all day. My hand, so small in his. I could feel my weakness and his strength all at once. What a wonderful feeling! I felt endeared to him, like I was nothing but his and his alone and he was mine. I felt so small and fragile, just with the little gesture of his hands covering mine.

Now Hubby has mentioned on several occasions that he doesn't want me to be another one of his kids that he has to watch all the time. This subject came up again last night. Not so much in those exact words, but a variance to be sure. He feels that if he has to tell me to "watch my tone", and that is exactly what he would have to tell one of our kids, then it is like he's treating me like a child instead of his partner.

Some men like that. Some men refer to their spouse as "baby girl" or some other term that puts them in that special place. Some TiH refer to their HoH as "Daddy". I call Hubby "Daddy" and he calls me "Mama", but it's all because of our kids. We still do it even though our kids are 6 & 8. For us, it's not really any more roll affirming than calling each other "Hon". We often refer to each other as "Lover", and it doesn't even carry any sexual meaning to it.

Even though we have firmly established that he is HoH, and I am mildly TiH, the question still remains; How do we make sense of this arrangement without him feeling like he has to treat me like a child? Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship? 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to take me in hand for all it's worth and help me see my behavior is not working for us but against us (I don't always know I'm doing it). How can he do this without feeling like I'm just another child he has to deal with? I'm at a loss to explain it to him. My older brother once shouted at me, "If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!" But I don't act like a child on purpose, at least not most times. It's my personality. I pout. I shut down. I distance. I yell back. I disrespect him in front of our kids and his friends. I don't do what he asks, only because I don't want to. I procrastinate. I am guilty of all these things and more. Can it be as simple me acting like a child, inadvertently or otherwise, that I deserve to be treated like one? How do I explain to Hubby that this isn't about the parent/child relationship, but more? How do you rationalize it?

We've already started down this path, so we aren't turning back. We are getting great results. Last night we had several breakthroughs while I endured paddling. I was spilling tears before we even started, but that's a story for my next post.

If you can, just please tell me ways to explain it to Hubby so he doesn't feel so...weirded out(?) about DD. I'm not asking him to be my daddy and I'm certainly not his baby girl. He already has one of those and she's got him wrapped around her 6 year-old little pinky finger. Sucker...

(((hugs)))

He Did It and Is This Normal?

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I've had a million post titles run thought my head: Saddle Sore, Shaken not Stirred, My Place...I finally settled for what you see up there, and at the point that I am writing this, I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind is in a confused jumble of emotions I don't know how to begin to process. I guess I should explain what happened...

Hubby took me in hand last night. He stepped up big time. He said he had time to think and he knows what I need. He lectured and spanked, lectured and spanked, and lectured and spanked some more. He said so much last night that I can't begin to remember it all. I'm not even sure how most of you remember what's being said as you are being spanked.

He told me so much; everything I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was encouraging, supportive, stern, loving, and controlled. He spoke carefully, definitively, about how he was going to lead our household and start setting things right.  He talked about how we need to start reading the Bible with the kids and start living like God would want instead of squandering what He has given us. He talked about how we need to be an example to our kids, how I'm not always going to want to do what he needs me to, and how sometimes he may get frustrated, and how that may mean consequences, and how I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and how he's watched me for 12 years and knows me and what I can handle and knows what I can't.

In the end, he pulled out the wood paddle with the holes to help drive his point home. He calls it "the closer", but based on my reaction to it, he wants to call it "the defibrillator". It stings like crazy!!! He spanked relentlessly and I went into a panic. I lost control. I couldn't be still. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything. I was confused and in an adrenaline tailspin. It was the tipping point. I'm not sure when, but he stopped the spanking and laid on top of me and I started to cry. It's wasn't the cry I expected. I thought it would be a culmination of all the guilt I was carrying. I thought it would be the guilt that pulled me into tears. But it wasn't. The panic, the adrenaline... I couldn't catch my breath and the tears came between gasps.

I felt a deep remorse, a desire to make things right. I cried "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" over and over again. He held me tightly and comforted me. He was the strong man I always needed him to be. He did everything right. He is amazing. I want nothing more than to please him. And maybe that's why I was crying. I was stuck in a rut where I knew I wasn't pleasing him and I'm not sure I wanted to. He pulled me out of it and put me in my place. No, not "my place" as in where a woman belongs or some nonsense. He put me in the place that I belong; the safe, warm place where I can relax because I know that he's got me.

This morning, I am filled with so many emotions and I'm not sure what they all are. I feel liberated and excited. At the same time, I feel tentative and sober. I feel afraid because this is a new change and I hate change. But I need this change. I need it desperately. I feel like I want to cry and rejoice all at once. I feel alive. I feel connected, not just to him, but to others too. I want to go around hugging everyone. I feel what he wanted me to feel; empowered.

I'm grateful to Hubby for spanking me to tears. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I'm afraid it will happen again, and yet I need it to happen again and again and again. I need to be pushed over the brink and to fall into his safe and loving embrace. I need to push and feel his strength in return.

So there you have it. DD is in full force. We are back in the saddle, this time with the intention to ride it out, for as long as we both shall live. The veil has been lifted. He is HoH. I am TiH. I am his fully, completely.

But what is this jumble in my head? Is this normal? I don't remember being able to feel more than one emotion at a time and yet it feels as though they have come out all at once. Do you know what I mean?

(((hugs)))

Need Art of Lecture Advice

Pretty simple, huh? Eh...

Yesterday I texted Hubby with this request:

Need a reassurance/reminder spanking. Reminder that you are in charge and will protect me. Reassurance that everything will be okay and about how you feel about me.

Well, the spanking did happen. It was hard. It was intense at times. What it was not was a whole lot of talking. He did say things like, "I'm so glad you are not trying to control everything anymore," and "I will always be here for you. I will always protect you." But it was a few words between volleys of swats. It didn't do for me what I needed it to and I'm not sure if it was because I went into it with a certain expectation that I was going to be put into that head-space.

It is possible that my expectation was that lecturing comes naturally to men. My dad lectured me nonstop when I was a kid and he still tries to. Hubby is still very new to HoHing and, while lecturing the kids is easy enough, lecturing his wife is quite another. He doesn't want to treat me like a child. But I think that lecturing is a matter of intent, not age.

I cannot tell him how to lecture. That is not something that comes easily to me either. I'm a thinker, a writer, a "Why didn't I think to say that?"-er. I spend a lot of time gauging the possible/probable reaction to what I say because I worry about the consequences. Thankfully, lecturing is not expected of me.

So Hubby needs help. He won't research it on his own, so I will have to read to him whatever we are advised. Any help you could offer would be great. I think we both need to get into that space where spanking makes a difference.

Your thoughts?

(((hugs)))

Gentle Reminder

Woah....So many things have changed since my last post on, what was it? Saturday? Goodness!

Hubby is home!!! He arrived early Sunday morning just after 1 am. We were up until 2, just holding and hugging and being glad to finally be home together. Sunday morning, I had to get up stupid early to sing at church. I got home at 12:30 just in time for Hubby to take the kids to the park so I could get a nap in. In my post nap blurriness, the rest of the afternoon flew by, not that there was much of it left.

Not much happened Sunday evening. I think we were too tired to do anything. This left me feeling that we weren't going to reconnect. And in my childish, impatient way, that meant it was NEVER going to happen. I'm such a baby sometimes! But I looked forward to Monday morning because I had set aside time for us to be together after the kids were at school. I figured that anything we were going to do to reconnect could be taken care of before 10 am. Hubby had other plans. He was still in work mode. Our time together was short and unfulfilled for me. He however had a good time.

Now, this is not to say that he is selfish, because he typically is not. And he noticed something wrong with me while I was getting ready for work, but I kept denying lying about it. He asked me one last time and in mid-lie I fessed up. I told him how I was feeling like we weren't reconnecting and I needed to feel that way so badly. I cried and he apologized. See? Really he is a very good guy. He said that even he sometimes needs a swift kick in the behind.

I went to a concert later that evening before it started I sent him an email telling him that I don't mean to step on his HoH toes, but I have needs and I need him to take care of them. One of those needs is to be corrected when I do something wrong. When he got home, I thought he would "correct" me for my wrongdoings while he was away. It's not that I was itching for a spanking, but I needed to know that he cared about me making the right decisions. Of course I would avoid a punishment spanking. But I'm submissive by nature. So I had the expectation that he would make things right when he got home. But he didn't.

When I got home from the concert, we had some amazing sex (sorry honey, love-making). It was new, exciting, and way yummy. But he didn't say anything about my email. Nothing was addressed. I felt like he was pretending it didn't exist. I was mad. We hadn't reconnected in the way that I needed. I was being childish and impatient and I knew it. But some things you just can't help, right? Oh whatever...At least I didn't blog about it in the heat of the moment.

Monday morning was met with an unscheduled meeting followed by a scheduled one. I didn't like either of them. I keep repeating in my mind that I am failing at this business thing. Now before any of you jump on my case, I have already been told several times by a fellow blogger that my words are powerful and need to watch what I say/write. I do not feel now like I'm a failure. But I did yesterday. I asked Hubby to take lunch with me so we can talk about it. I found talking to him helped a lot but I still had unresolved issues and he knew it.

He brought up the email. He said that he didn't want to "correct" me for those behaviors because of the time that had elapsed since then. He would rather be more immediate, or as much as circumstances afford at the time. I complete understood his point. But he did agree to help me relieve 2 weeks worth of stress plus a little motivation in the realms of communication and organization (my new best friend. Ha!). It was one whopper of a whoopin'. I was bright red and stingy and sore. But I was reconnected fully and lectured and motivated.

Not that any of that kept me from a "gentle reminder" later that evening. I wasn't listening exactly when Hubby was lecturing about organization. I heard the word but not the instructions. So later that evening when he asked me what I had organized, I looked at him and said "Huh?" Yeah, listening might be helpful if I want to avoid reminders.

Tonight I got another reminder...not so gentle, on the bare, with the evil hairbrush. I didn't get anything organized and it's completely my fault. I have terrible time management skills. Okay, I have none. It's going to get me into more trouble than I care to think about. You may have trouble with submitting? I have trouble with time management and organization (cleaning). We all have our weaknesses and our HoH's are more that willing to be all HoH-ey about it. Mine is wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He does listen to me and we do talk about everything and I trust him to do what is in my best interest. I hope you feel the same about yours. I believe that's what it's all about.

Now does anyone have any tips for remembering what I'm told during a spanking?

Procrastinating Again

There are days when I'm not really sure what to write. I don't want to lose my blogging momentum either. So I will just post random thoughts instead. Welcome to my brain...

My children are driving me nuts. I'm not sure what planet they came from. They are being completely obnoxious and I find myself yelling a lot. Hubby has intervened and told them that under no circumstance were they to ignore me. Yeah, that didn't last long. My daughter will not listen to me. She just keeps pushing me to see if I will do what I threatened. My problem is that I am not consistent with her. What's sad is that I know what I need to do, but in my heart I just don't want to. She needs me to commit to my word. I need to get on it now while she's 5 1/2 and can still have some control. She is so strong-willed, it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I just hate taking stuff away, or not letting her do fun things. I am a horrible example of raising children.

I broke rule #2 yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was at a stop light and I thought I should text my MIL to make sure she's okay with getting stuff taken care to help her mom move to Florida. We don't have the greatest relationship, so when I can get in the little thoughtful things, it helps her get over some of the things she dislikes about me. She's extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative. I see right through her and refuse to play into her games. She hates that about me. Anyway, I didn't even think about when I should be texting her, I just did it when I was at a stop. When I got to where I was going, I texted Hubby to let him know what I did and the circumstances. I told him that I was sorry. I was sick to my stomach actually. I spent all the drive to my destination thinking about how I screwed up less than 24 hours after the rule was made and not knowing what to expect; how hard was I going to get spanked, would I cry, and so on. He texted back that it's okay to text at a red light. Just don't do it while in motion. Phew! Punishment Motivation averted. But that ball of worry, stress, and anxiety was still there. I didn't sleep last night, and I think that was the reason.

Question for you: Do you confess to your HoH, even though you know what that means? Do you hide it until he finds out? How does he know? What I told him yesterday was that I was confessing my "infraction" not because I want to get in trouble, but because hiding it is deceitful. I fully expect to pay the penalty. Or be motivated to to the line. However you want to look at it. I told him that really all the rules will fall under one of the 4 D's. The rule about me being ready to leave by the time he gets home from dropping the kids off is about disrespect and disobedience. I am not showing anyone I work with respect when I saunter in at 11 am. And Hubby has requested repeatedly that I get to work in a timely manner. I should obey him. The rule about texting and driving is obviously about dangerous behavior. I feel that omission is tantamount to lying, and lying falls under dishonesty. Dishonesty really bothers me. It eats at my heart. So I had to confess what I did. Do you do the same?

Hubby had asked me to make up a cleaning schedule for us to follow. My house is in absolute chaos. I am a clutter bug. It's horrible, I know. And I just look at everything and feel so overwhelmed. I would rather just lay in bed, reading blog posts on my iPhone. Nothing gets done. Hubby comes home and is visibly a bit frustrated. He starts cleaning something because he can't stand to look at it anymore and I feel guilty and emotionally beat myself up while hinging in my room. When I showed him the chore list last night I told him that more than any other rule, chores will be the first to get me in trouble. Making the list felt like signing my own death warrant. But he asked me to do it, so I did. I'm sure at some point I will regret it.

I have a headache and am late for church. Hubby has been there all morning (and last night) helping with audio. He has one weekend every month when he serves all 4 services. I was supposed to be there for 10:30 service but I was....drumroll please....reading blogs. Yeah... So I have to leave now to make it in time for the last service. Most of the rest of the month, I will be serving on the worship team as a vocalist, mostly background vocals.

Okay...I really have to go now. Chat with y'all later! ((hugs))

My Mistake

I've spent a lot of time reading and learning and adding new blogs to my list ----->
And I've come up with this to say. I've been going about this all wrong. All. Wrong. I kind of feel silly and childish for my impatience.

After I read The Science of Spanking, and Kate's blog post about her big epiphany, I knew what we had to do. I texted Hubby the science of spanking link (he didn't read it then though) and decided that, after we put the kids down and watched a bit of tv, we would go to bed and take turns talking and pleasuring each other in ways the other likes. Hubby is very vanilla and hardly every really thinks about sex. It's very strange for a man to not be thinking about it all the time. I actually have to remind him that it's been a month and I could really use to get laid please. Whereas I am constantly thinking about sex. I can't get enough.

Last night wasn't really to be about sex. It was to be about pleasuring each other. He loves massages. He loves to be touched in a nonsexual way. Little kisses. Little touches. We talked about emotional needs. We talked about me disappointing him. He quoted his vows to me on our wedding day, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. He said that he keeps no records of wrongs, so once it's over with, he completely forgets about it. I forget too. That's one of the things I love most about our relationship. More little kisses and touches. Of course, it turned into something more sexual because I was massaging lower and lower on his back and at the top of his bottom. So my hands roamed a bit. What can I say?

When it was my turn, I had him rub my bottom and thighs. We talked about why I need spanking in my life. We talked about how I don't feel so weird about it anymore, like I'm some sort of freak, because of all the wonderful bloggers out there that are just like me. We talked about spreading out the swats to other parts of my bottom, like the top of my thighs. He started swatting me in different places and asking me if that was a good place. Then he would swat several more times until I was squirming (for the record, the top of the thighs stings like a son-of-a-gun!!!). We talked about the emotional release I get. We did not talk about punishment, or boundaries, or anything non-pleasurable. (His time, not mine. He will go there when he's ready.) He preceded to spank me hard. He held me down and spanked me everywhere we talked about. I started breathing heavier, even panting. I was shaking uncontrollably. It was like my body was fighting it.

I don't understand. Emotionally I need spanking. I crave it. But it hurts so much. It's almost unbearable at times. Am I fighting my strong-will? Am I having that hard of a time submitting to him? I can take a lot, but at some point it crosses over from pleasure to outright pain and I struggle. If I'm getting a spanking to help me let go of the stress, at what point do I know I'm done?

I felt strange today. Like something unknown was between Hubby and I. Something has changed and I don't know if it's a bad thing or not. Maybe it's just a change, and that's what's got me out of sorts. I also noted that punishment spankings wouldn't be because he felt the need to make sure I stayed in line. It comes down to either he spanks me to clear my slate, or I beat myself up emotionally. When I verbally abuse myself, I can get downright mean. It's not healthy. If he were to spank me before I could do myself that damage, it would make a huge change in me. Or at least this is the theory. It all sounds good on paper. And again, it's his time and not mine. I have to be patient. I have to submit. What I need will come in good time. Whether or not I can handle it when it does is for another blog post...

Off My Rocker

This morning, Hubby made me breakfast and coffee. He's never done that before (the breakfast anyway), or at least not in a very very very long time. I think the silence we had last night as we lay in bed had something to do with it. I'm angry at his refusal to help me with my needs and he's confused about why his wife would want such a thing. Even I question in. Domestic Discipline? Seriously??? What kind of crazy person am I anyway? I'm obviously not in my right mind. I want to be punished? What would my therapist say? (No way in hell I would ever tell her)

I'm trying hard to see it from Hubby's point of view. His wife just asked him to hurt her physically, to punish her. Everything screams that it's wrong and abusive and, well just wrong. He doesn't like this side of his wife. It's one thing to spank her during sex. That's fun and she enjoys it. He doesn't want to do something that she won't enjoy. He doesn't want to make her cry. They get along so well... Why mess with a good thing? He doesn't want to take on some sort of father role with his wife. She's his partner for goodness sake! They lean on each other. He doesn't feel strong enough to be the leader and his word is the final word and that's it. He's not a tyrant. He just wants his normal wife back. What happened to her?

Hubby doesn't have any really close friends. He has a few guys that he doesn't mind hanging out with now and then, but no one he can really confide in when it comes to this stuff. There is no one he can call up and say, "Hey. So my wife wants me to start being the head of the household, including punishing her for not following my rules. What do you think of this? Is this normal? Has she gone completely off her rocker?" Who can he turn to? He doesn't want to research it. He will read the links I send him, but he doesn't like what he reads most of the time.

I feel bad for him. I do. But I feel bad for me too. I feel like I'm being robbed of this experience. He's refused to help be become a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. I can't do it on my own. I need his help. I need his loving guidance.

I am an all or nothing kind of girl. My first instinct after he told me "No" last night was to pack up all my toys and put them high up in the closet. You know...out of sight, out of mind. I decided against it when I saw my broken hair brush. It somehow got cracked and we can't use it any more. I've been contemplating a replacement. Do I go shopping? Or do I just let it be as a reminder?

This post is getting a little too depressing for me and as usually I'm going to be a little late to work. At least my assistant will be late too.

Big hugs to all my new friends! I'm starting to feel like I belong, even though I am not practicing DD.

Is DD right for me?

Since my last post, I have been reading a lot about DD. Is this what I'm looking for? How do I know? I love erotic spanking. But it hinders orgasm. So what does that mean? Does it mean that I need more? If so, more of what?

A little background on my relationship with Hubby. He and I are a perfect match. We never argue. We disagree sometimes, but it's not in anger. We listen to and validate each other's feelings. I get bitchy and spun up sometimes because I'm in a mood and he backs off and let's me alone until I cool down. I feel bad afterwards, but I hardly ever acknowledge it or apologize, which I should (something I need to work on). This month we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. I am more in love with this man every day. He means everything to me, and I to him. We consider our marriage sacred. We communicate fully and honestly. We have that Princess Bride "True Love" that feels so impossibly perfect I think I'm living a dream.

So with all that, how could something be missing? How could I feel like I need anything more? Well, if you look at my history, my half-finished crafts that have taken over everything, the awful condition of my home (especially my bedroom), you can see that something is missing. It's called discipline. I don't have any of it within myself and Hubby doesn't push me. I have a habit of getting upset and beating myself up emotionally because I have failed, but I never fix it. Seriously the dust bunnies are starting to attack my kittens, yet I don't do anything about it. Because I'm lazy. Because I lack the motivation. Because I am not expected to do anything other than what I have been doing all along, absolutely freaking nothing. See where I'm going with this?

I have been put back in charge of my business by Hubby because he got a contracting job that takes up a lot of his time, and he set up my business (that I was in full control of until I slowly started handing everything over to him and my assistant) so that it's streamlined and easy to run. I have to be there at 9:30 because that's when my assistant shows up. My employees are there at 8. When do I saunter in? Usually between 10 and 11. No consequences. No expectations.

I have been told by my most excellent therapist that I have ADD. I can't help but laugh hysterically at this since my life really reflects it in every way. Notice the lack of H in the ADD. I am not hyper, not by a long shot. Adderall makes me stoned. Caffeine puts me to sleep. Nothing works like it should and yet I have no energy. It sucks big time. But this is no excuse to be lazy and I know it. Hubby knows it too. But he won't do anything about it.
I am a horrible example to my children. They don't pick up after themselves. There rooms are a disaster. They don't do anything but watch tv and play games. And where do they get this? From us. Mostly from me. They mirror my behavior. Does that fact make me change? Nope. Will I do anything about it? No. I just don't have it in me to be self-disciplined. I know this about me. Hubby knows this about me.

After reading more about what DD is, I am left to wonder if that's what I truly need. And will I regret it if I can convince Hubby to start? What will change in my heart? In our relationship? In my business? Will I be stronger? More reliable? More motivated? Will I be that person I know I could be if I would just get my lazy ass off of the couch? By the way, Hubby would NEVER say something like that to me. He is so kind and gentle. Convincing him to punish me will take a freakin miracle. He may be a Type A personality, but he's not dominating at all.

Another question: Will I continue to be sexually turned on by punishment spankings? Is this a clue that I wouldn't truly be a good candidate for DD? Or is this just part of how it works? I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision before delving into a lifestyle that will change how we work together.

In my research, I came across a 3 part article at http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/ entitled How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD. The following quotes were very helpful and I believe them to be a great start to a DD relationship.

DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust.

And I also liked the basic rules to start with, the 4 D's:

nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient

So where do I start with Hubby? I once sent him an article about being Taken in Hand and he came home very upset. He said he would never hit a woman like that. He would never punish me, ever! Well...That made me back off quickly and say that that's not what I wanted. To be fair, I wasn't sure what I wanted at the time. So I wasn't lying, not purposefully anyway.

So what does this all mean? What do I really need? Am I like other wives just starting to explore DD? If you are already in a DD relationship as a wife and you were the instigator or the new relationship dynamics, did you feel like I do now? How long have you been at it? How has it changed your relationship? Do you have any regrets?

I have to go now. It's 10:05 and I am still at home. I need to saunter into the office now...

Your help, opinions, and advice are greatly appreciated.