HOLY COW!!! Where the heck have I been??? Well, let me tell you...I have gone completely insane lately.
First of all, I have been reading y'all's posts...well, until the past week. I found that while I loved the writing, I just had nothing intelligent to write back, so I didn't comment. That lead to some introspection about why I was feeling too inadequate to comment, which lead to me saying "screw it", and some of you emailing me to ask if everything was okay. Yes, everything is okay. I've just been inadequate and very busy.
I decided to go to school to become a nail tech. WHAT?!?!?! But you already have your own successful business and a fabulous Hubby and two beautiful little people... Aren't you too busy to go to school right now?
Yes. Yes I am. But, I'm doing it anyway. Without a creative outlet, I have a hard time coping with the rest of my life. Weird, huh? I'm a much happier person when I'm doing something crafty/girly/beady/knitty/etc-y. And you know what? I'm having fun. I'm meeting some wonderful people and I'm having a great time learning how to put on tips and do acrylics and gels, as well as all the steps to manis and pedis. Best of all, it's taking my mind off crappy things that are happening.
Crappy stuff happens to you too? Huh... I guess we can't be immune to it. I tell you what though...Ignorance is bliss. I'm much happier not knowing things. If the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I have no desire to know. I don't watch the news. I don't read the paper. My employees tell me stuff sometimes. Really, I'm good not knowing.
Back to other things...Why am I going to school? Because I want to be able to volunteer my time at nursing homes/care facilities and do manis on old ladies and talk with them about the good ol' days. I have a soft spot for them.
And what is happening with DD? Nothing. We are just kind of back to normal. Almost like it was a phase. Don't get me wrong, some things have changed a lot. Hubby is still HoH. But my submissive nature mixed with his kindheartedness means that there is no 2nd D. There's just the first one mixed with some erotic spanking on occasion (if I ever get off my stupid period! I swear that ever since I got this IUD, I've been spotting or ragging the entire time. It's been almost 2 months!). That's what makes this ttwd I guess. I'm done trying to change him. He will change when he thinks it's time to and no sooner. He is in charge after all.
It is time to put my babies to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. I promise I will try to comment on your posts, even if it is just to give you ((hugs)).
Showing posts with label DD lite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DD lite. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A Delayed Introduction
Hi...My name is Lil Misses (obviously not, but for practical reasons, I cannot share my true identity). I chose the name to reflect what I am not but want to be, and some of who I am. Hearing several times on tv or in conversation between adults as I was growing up, "Why don't you check with the lil missus" or some such (really? some such? I'm appalled at my own writing sometimes). I also liked the word "misses" as in I have little misses, or missteps, as opposed to big ones. And of course "unfolds" has very much to do with my needs/desires/self-discovery that is blooming whether I want it to or not.
I am 41 and almost a 1/2 (yes, I count every day and for good reason). I have 2 great elementary age kiddos. My husband and I will share our 10th anniversary on Friday, August 31st. We are very happy and get along wonderfully. I own a business selling a product I invented 4 years ago. It's very successful, although we struggle financially because I refused to use credit to build my business. Everything I made, I put right back into it.
When Hubby and I decided to move to Florida from Oregon to be closer to his family (yeah...still questioning my logic on that one), he left a very good job and we moved my business. But here in Florida jobs are scarce, especially for someone with an MBA. Everywhere he went he was "over qualified" so we struggled for 6 months as we made the decision to "Go Big" with my business. I let Hubby take over the monotonous things I didn't like to do, mainly bookkeeping and manufacturing, while I headed up sales, customer service, and graphic design. I found myself giving up more and more of my control over things and slipping further away from the business. I fell into a hole of depression. I was miserable, had no friends, no home church, no future I could imagine.
Hubby describes me then as someone he didn't recognize. I had lost all will to do anything. I would vehemently deny to every one that I was depressed. I didn't follow the typical symptoms. I was already on medication for anxiety, one that I had been off and on for 12 years. I have a bit of a problem with anxiety and paranoia. Of course you wouldn't know that unless you've seen me off my meds. Otherwise I am completely normal...well, whatever that means.
After a couple years of living here in the sunshine state I had made friends, the business grew and we had employees (heck...I even got myself an assistant), and found a church that fit us perfectly. Life could not be better. But it wasn't, not for me. I gave away more and more of my responsibilities and showed up to the office less and less. I was aware that it felt like my medication wasn't working anymore and one doctor doubled the dose. It was like it just stopped working and no amount of it was going to fix anything. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get put on another medication.
The day before my appointment, I had a meltdown. I will spare you all the gory details, but suffice it to say that I practically accused my husband of having an affair with my assistant (which would never happen in a million years!), and when I realized that that was not the issue, my feelings of betrayal went into the next possible place, that I was no longer of value to anyone. I drove around for a couple hours with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, in a complete meltdown as it felt as though my universe just collapsed in on itself and there was nothing left but hurt and anger. I refused all his (and anyone else) attempts to contact me. I was in a downward spiral. Thank goodness it only lasted a couple hours.
Once I was put on the new medication, I sought out help from a therapist. What I found out from her completely changed my life. The hard, emotionally charged trauma work she had me doing, plus the new medication, freed me of all these demons that have been haunting me for years. I no longer had to be the strong woman who never cried. I now had grace to get me through the day. I released so much from my past that I am now able to truly live. I still see her weekly to talk about any issues that may have come up or any trauma work she wants to put me through. But I am happy now. And I cry openly and often, which my therapist says has the same effects on the brain as having an orgasm. Yay me...
What came with this new release was completely unexpected for Hubby and me. I was able to finally talk about my deepest desires. And what do you know? There were several websites and blogs devoted to it. There is so much information out there about spanking, and I followed the breadcrumbs until it landed me on DD. Once I was here in domestic discipline land, I did not want to leave. Sure, I questioned if it was right for me. But I know in my heart it is what I always wanted but was afraid to ask.
Hubby of course said "NO!" at first (and still does about discipline anyway). But he's gotten really good at what I've requested of him; stress relief spankings. He doesn't necessarily like doing it so I have been making sure to make it as sensual as possible. And now I'm working on the other parts of the DD relationship by being as submissive as I can and showing him that this new dynamic doesn't have to change who we are. He's been doing great at taking on the HoH role and even changing how he talks to me so that there's no wiggle room when he tells me to do something. We are working on it together. He is my motivator.
Speaking of motivators...I just bought a round leather paddle by Spartacus on eBay and it should arrive Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm hoping that if Hubby looks at my request more as motivation and less like discipline, then he might be willing to give it a try. We will see. I'm making suggestions and leaving it to him to decide what he wants to do. I will obey whatever he decides.
As far as my business is concerned, Hubby put me back in full control of it and he stepped away. He does help me often as I am learning the reigns of this new full blown business that I started in my garage. Now we are in a warehouse with employees that act like teenagers and equipment that is always on the verge of breakdown. But I'm handling it. Hubby went back to contracting programming stuff and all things geek. It's working out very well for both of us. I can't wait to see what the future holds!
I am 41 and almost a 1/2 (yes, I count every day and for good reason). I have 2 great elementary age kiddos. My husband and I will share our 10th anniversary on Friday, August 31st. We are very happy and get along wonderfully. I own a business selling a product I invented 4 years ago. It's very successful, although we struggle financially because I refused to use credit to build my business. Everything I made, I put right back into it.
When Hubby and I decided to move to Florida from Oregon to be closer to his family (yeah...still questioning my logic on that one), he left a very good job and we moved my business. But here in Florida jobs are scarce, especially for someone with an MBA. Everywhere he went he was "over qualified" so we struggled for 6 months as we made the decision to "Go Big" with my business. I let Hubby take over the monotonous things I didn't like to do, mainly bookkeeping and manufacturing, while I headed up sales, customer service, and graphic design. I found myself giving up more and more of my control over things and slipping further away from the business. I fell into a hole of depression. I was miserable, had no friends, no home church, no future I could imagine.
Hubby describes me then as someone he didn't recognize. I had lost all will to do anything. I would vehemently deny to every one that I was depressed. I didn't follow the typical symptoms. I was already on medication for anxiety, one that I had been off and on for 12 years. I have a bit of a problem with anxiety and paranoia. Of course you wouldn't know that unless you've seen me off my meds. Otherwise I am completely normal...well, whatever that means.
After a couple years of living here in the sunshine state I had made friends, the business grew and we had employees (heck...I even got myself an assistant), and found a church that fit us perfectly. Life could not be better. But it wasn't, not for me. I gave away more and more of my responsibilities and showed up to the office less and less. I was aware that it felt like my medication wasn't working anymore and one doctor doubled the dose. It was like it just stopped working and no amount of it was going to fix anything. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get put on another medication.
The day before my appointment, I had a meltdown. I will spare you all the gory details, but suffice it to say that I practically accused my husband of having an affair with my assistant (which would never happen in a million years!), and when I realized that that was not the issue, my feelings of betrayal went into the next possible place, that I was no longer of value to anyone. I drove around for a couple hours with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, in a complete meltdown as it felt as though my universe just collapsed in on itself and there was nothing left but hurt and anger. I refused all his (and anyone else) attempts to contact me. I was in a downward spiral. Thank goodness it only lasted a couple hours.
Once I was put on the new medication, I sought out help from a therapist. What I found out from her completely changed my life. The hard, emotionally charged trauma work she had me doing, plus the new medication, freed me of all these demons that have been haunting me for years. I no longer had to be the strong woman who never cried. I now had grace to get me through the day. I released so much from my past that I am now able to truly live. I still see her weekly to talk about any issues that may have come up or any trauma work she wants to put me through. But I am happy now. And I cry openly and often, which my therapist says has the same effects on the brain as having an orgasm. Yay me...
What came with this new release was completely unexpected for Hubby and me. I was able to finally talk about my deepest desires. And what do you know? There were several websites and blogs devoted to it. There is so much information out there about spanking, and I followed the breadcrumbs until it landed me on DD. Once I was here in domestic discipline land, I did not want to leave. Sure, I questioned if it was right for me. But I know in my heart it is what I always wanted but was afraid to ask.
Hubby of course said "NO!" at first (and still does about discipline anyway). But he's gotten really good at what I've requested of him; stress relief spankings. He doesn't necessarily like doing it so I have been making sure to make it as sensual as possible. And now I'm working on the other parts of the DD relationship by being as submissive as I can and showing him that this new dynamic doesn't have to change who we are. He's been doing great at taking on the HoH role and even changing how he talks to me so that there's no wiggle room when he tells me to do something. We are working on it together. He is my motivator.
Speaking of motivators...I just bought a round leather paddle by Spartacus on eBay and it should arrive Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm hoping that if Hubby looks at my request more as motivation and less like discipline, then he might be willing to give it a try. We will see. I'm making suggestions and leaving it to him to decide what he wants to do. I will obey whatever he decides.
As far as my business is concerned, Hubby put me back in full control of it and he stepped away. He does help me often as I am learning the reigns of this new full blown business that I started in my garage. Now we are in a warehouse with employees that act like teenagers and equipment that is always on the verge of breakdown. But I'm handling it. Hubby went back to contracting programming stuff and all things geek. It's working out very well for both of us. I can't wait to see what the future holds!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I Could Use a Spanking Right Now
Well last night's talk was not exactly what I had hoped for. I should've known. He's just starting to take charge. He's not one to dive into something headlong. Especially when it involves something he believes to be abhorrent. But I do respect him. He's starting to take charge and rethink his position as the leader of our family. I have got to have patience.
So all this thinking got me to pondering what I do that goes against the 4 D's.
Nothing Dangerous: Well, I kinda do a couple things that in most Dd relationships would be punished severely. But Hubby does them too and so I don't think that's something that's going to change for either of us.
Nothing Dishonest: I'm not really one for lying, but I have omitted things in the past. I try really hard not to. And you can bet that from now on I will confess the truth no matter what. (As a matter of fact, I just did. But it's a long story that I don't know how to make shorter and it's not worth a blog post.)
Nothing Disobedient: I'm already naturally submissive. I'm don't talk back or balk at his authority. I would willingly do most things as long as they are presented to me as a demand and not a request. I file requests in the "When I get around to it" file. Only I don't think I ever get around to these things.
Nothing Disrespectful: Well I kinda blew this one last night. I am normally very respectful. You see, sometimes Hubby gets upset with one or both of the kids and decides to take action quickly, decisively, and in a bit of a huff. It usually involves them having something taken away. I end up interjecting and interrupting him in front of the kids. I texted him today some of my feelings. The stuff in parenthesis is not part of the text, just an explanation.
Me: I thought about something. You're probably not going to like it.
Hubby: Rut Ro
Me: Last night I was disrespectful to you in front of the kids.
Hubby: ....I don't recall anything like that
Me: With K (our 5 year old daughter) and her ice (cup of crushed ice she takes to bed). I intervened quite loudly in front of the kids. It's not the first time I've done it. But it is the first time since trying to change my ways and be more submitting to your authority.
It's not okay for me to do that because I'm showing them that I will protect them from you as if you are some sort of bad person. Like R (R & P and their young son B were neighbors of ours from years ago.) with B. Remember his sly smile as she would protect him from P? I know that's an extreme example, but it doesn't take much for the kids to get the picture. They don't need protecting from you. They need me to be a good example of listening and obeying.
Hubby: Fair enough... Thank you for being aware of the action. ;) I love u
Me: I don't commit many punishable offenses because I am already inclined to be submissive and I usually think about things before I do anything.
But last night my actions were not acceptable.
Hubby replied in person. He said that he doesn't want me to be carrying around all this guilt about what happened. He said that if punishment is something that I need, then he can have me do the dishes tonight. It's usually his job because I'm not a fan of the kitchen. And then he said quite resolutely that tonight I am to do the dishes.
I am beyond thrilled that he is taking me in hand (ish) and making decisions. I like that he clarifies his normal request with a demand. But I could really use a spanking. Not because I want one. I do not relish the idea of a punishment spanking. It would hurt a lot and I might even cry. But, I know I need one. That's the only thing that will help me remember, the next time I even think about disrespecting him in front of the kids, to think twice. Dirty dishes? Ummm...not so much. I don't feel like it's a clean slate, that I've paid for my transgression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I request a spanking, but I don't think he will do it. It may even make him upset. I should just be happy that he's giving some sort of consequence, one that he can handle. It's a step up, right?
Ugh...
So all this thinking got me to pondering what I do that goes against the 4 D's.
Nothing Dangerous: Well, I kinda do a couple things that in most Dd relationships would be punished severely. But Hubby does them too and so I don't think that's something that's going to change for either of us.
Nothing Dishonest: I'm not really one for lying, but I have omitted things in the past. I try really hard not to. And you can bet that from now on I will confess the truth no matter what. (As a matter of fact, I just did. But it's a long story that I don't know how to make shorter and it's not worth a blog post.)
Nothing Disobedient: I'm already naturally submissive. I'm don't talk back or balk at his authority. I would willingly do most things as long as they are presented to me as a demand and not a request. I file requests in the "When I get around to it" file. Only I don't think I ever get around to these things.
Nothing Disrespectful: Well I kinda blew this one last night. I am normally very respectful. You see, sometimes Hubby gets upset with one or both of the kids and decides to take action quickly, decisively, and in a bit of a huff. It usually involves them having something taken away. I end up interjecting and interrupting him in front of the kids. I texted him today some of my feelings. The stuff in parenthesis is not part of the text, just an explanation.
Me: I thought about something. You're probably not going to like it.
Hubby: Rut Ro
Me: Last night I was disrespectful to you in front of the kids.
Hubby: ....I don't recall anything like that
Me: With K (our 5 year old daughter) and her ice (cup of crushed ice she takes to bed). I intervened quite loudly in front of the kids. It's not the first time I've done it. But it is the first time since trying to change my ways and be more submitting to your authority.
It's not okay for me to do that because I'm showing them that I will protect them from you as if you are some sort of bad person. Like R (R & P and their young son B were neighbors of ours from years ago.) with B. Remember his sly smile as she would protect him from P? I know that's an extreme example, but it doesn't take much for the kids to get the picture. They don't need protecting from you. They need me to be a good example of listening and obeying.
Hubby: Fair enough... Thank you for being aware of the action. ;) I love u
Me: I don't commit many punishable offenses because I am already inclined to be submissive and I usually think about things before I do anything.
But last night my actions were not acceptable.
Hubby replied in person. He said that he doesn't want me to be carrying around all this guilt about what happened. He said that if punishment is something that I need, then he can have me do the dishes tonight. It's usually his job because I'm not a fan of the kitchen. And then he said quite resolutely that tonight I am to do the dishes.
I am beyond thrilled that he is taking me in hand (ish) and making decisions. I like that he clarifies his normal request with a demand. But I could really use a spanking. Not because I want one. I do not relish the idea of a punishment spanking. It would hurt a lot and I might even cry. But, I know I need one. That's the only thing that will help me remember, the next time I even think about disrespecting him in front of the kids, to think twice. Dirty dishes? Ummm...not so much. I don't feel like it's a clean slate, that I've paid for my transgression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I request a spanking, but I don't think he will do it. It may even make him upset. I should just be happy that he's giving some sort of consequence, one that he can handle. It's a step up, right?
Ugh...
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Still Waiting
So the bedroom has become a disaster again. Mostly it's clothes that need to be put away, but for whatever reason (cough, cough, laziness), I haven't gotten around to it. The craft area desperately needs organizing. The kitchen counter is covered in letters (mostly bills), magazines, crafts that the kids made, things I've picked up off the table to make room for dinner, toys, etc. Hubby asked me a few times now to gather all the medical bills and give him a list so he can start chipping away at them. There's dusting, sweeping, mopping, laundry, and things to be put away.
Have I lifted a finger? Nope. Why? I have no idea. I'm stuck. This R2 unit has a bad motivator. So what are we going to do about it? Nothing. I will get to it when I get to it if I ever get to it. This has nothing to do with wanting Dd, but there is every reason to start. I am not stubborn because I want to be punished. This is an area in my life that has always existed. I'm a clutter bug. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a neat freak.
I discovered Dd recently and brought the idea to Hubby (again). I received an outright NO (again). So I wrote the stuff I think needed to be fixed, the list he asked for, and he never responded. While I can get my spanko needs met almost daily to rid myself of stress, I don't get motivation out of it. If I knew that there was a threat of a punishment of some sort unless I started getting things done, you'd better bet I would be making all kinds of changes.
"But wait! Why don't you just do it? Be submissive and act as if these things would be punished if not done." It just doesn't work that way for me. Without external motivation, nothing gets done. It's not because I'm digging my heels in until I get my way. It's just the way I work (or don't in this case). So now what? I wait. I impatiently wait. I agonizingly trudge through every day waiting. I haven't bugged him any more about Dd. I'm just waiting. I hate waiting...
Have I lifted a finger? Nope. Why? I have no idea. I'm stuck. This R2 unit has a bad motivator. So what are we going to do about it? Nothing. I will get to it when I get to it if I ever get to it. This has nothing to do with wanting Dd, but there is every reason to start. I am not stubborn because I want to be punished. This is an area in my life that has always existed. I'm a clutter bug. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a neat freak.
I discovered Dd recently and brought the idea to Hubby (again). I received an outright NO (again). So I wrote the stuff I think needed to be fixed, the list he asked for, and he never responded. While I can get my spanko needs met almost daily to rid myself of stress, I don't get motivation out of it. If I knew that there was a threat of a punishment of some sort unless I started getting things done, you'd better bet I would be making all kinds of changes.
"But wait! Why don't you just do it? Be submissive and act as if these things would be punished if not done." It just doesn't work that way for me. Without external motivation, nothing gets done. It's not because I'm digging my heels in until I get my way. It's just the way I work (or don't in this case). So now what? I wait. I impatiently wait. I agonizingly trudge through every day waiting. I haven't bugged him any more about Dd. I'm just waiting. I hate waiting...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
What's Your Analogy?
I've been trying to explain to Hubby why I need him to soothe and spank me often. I've been trying to tell him how us women work and how I need spanking to relax from the stress of the day. "Don't you have a shrink for that?" he jokes. Yes, I have a therapist, and without her I would'nt be as happy as I am today. The past 2 months has been amazing. My therapist is the reason I was able to let go of all this emotional crap that was holding me back. She also taught me that I have been expecting too much from myself.
All this time, I thought crying equaled weakness. But she brought out the tears and forced me to face them. Now I cry willingly, when I feel it, wherever I am. I'm not afraid. I don't feel weak. It makes me stronger. I'm softer and more yielding and more submissive. I'm not holding onto all this junk any more. But there is more to it than that, and I've been trying to explain it to Hubby, but I'm not sure he's understanding me. I haven't come across a fitting analogy to use. I hope the following doesn't offend anyone.
We, as women, have a tendency to be like a bowl. Negative energy like hurt, anger, frustration, fear, and loneliness fill our bowl. It could be one incident, it could be a million things, but something eventually overfills our bowl and we start spilling out these emotions with our ugly cry raging and hatred rearing it's ugly heat. All this negative energy and emotion fills us up and without an outlet, we will explode. This negative energy has to go somewhere. It doesn't just disappear. POOF! All better! Ummm...not even a little bit.
Hubby says he thinks men have the same bowls but they drill different sized holes in the bottom. You can fill them all the way up and they will spill over. But leave them overnight and they mostly drain out.
So when I have him spank me, I'm asking him to please help empty my bowl. For me, it is the pain that forces the emotions out. I have to let go as I give into him. It seeps out as I talk to him about my day. It all flows out with the pain. No more anger. No more hurt. No more guilt or sadness or frustration. I confess to him and I am freed.
My therapist says I am looking very happy and relaxed. She's none the wiser. I'm okay with that. I am happier and more relaxed. At this point that's all that matters, right?
All this time, I thought crying equaled weakness. But she brought out the tears and forced me to face them. Now I cry willingly, when I feel it, wherever I am. I'm not afraid. I don't feel weak. It makes me stronger. I'm softer and more yielding and more submissive. I'm not holding onto all this junk any more. But there is more to it than that, and I've been trying to explain it to Hubby, but I'm not sure he's understanding me. I haven't come across a fitting analogy to use. I hope the following doesn't offend anyone.
We, as women, have a tendency to be like a bowl. Negative energy like hurt, anger, frustration, fear, and loneliness fill our bowl. It could be one incident, it could be a million things, but something eventually overfills our bowl and we start spilling out these emotions with our ugly cry raging and hatred rearing it's ugly heat. All this negative energy and emotion fills us up and without an outlet, we will explode. This negative energy has to go somewhere. It doesn't just disappear. POOF! All better! Ummm...not even a little bit.
Hubby says he thinks men have the same bowls but they drill different sized holes in the bottom. You can fill them all the way up and they will spill over. But leave them overnight and they mostly drain out.
So when I have him spank me, I'm asking him to please help empty my bowl. For me, it is the pain that forces the emotions out. I have to let go as I give into him. It seeps out as I talk to him about my day. It all flows out with the pain. No more anger. No more hurt. No more guilt or sadness or frustration. I confess to him and I am freed.
My therapist says I am looking very happy and relaxed. She's none the wiser. I'm okay with that. I am happier and more relaxed. At this point that's all that matters, right?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Type A Does Not Equal Dominant
You know how some things you don't really think about until you realize how obvious it is and then you see you've been completely ignorant? Like the time I realized that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is the same melody as the ABC song (and Bah Bah Black Sheep). I just had another one; Type A personality does not equal a dominant personality. I guess I just assumed they walked hand in hand.
I'm a type B, a follower, submissive. Hubby is a type A, more of a leader than I, neither submissive nor dominant. He sees us as equal. We are equal, and would still be if he decided to be the HoH. Since I know he knows where my blog is but he never reads it, I'll go into a bit more detail.
Hubby's mom raised him and his sister pretty much single-handedly. His father was/is a workaholic and wasn't around as much as he should've been. His mother made the rules, checked to see homework was done, fed and clothed them. She was the matriarch. How do you get a man who's used to having a woman in charge to take charge? Your guess is as good as mine.
He has stepped up a bit. He's giving direction. He's putting his foot down. Maybe he's been that way all along and it took me being more submissive to him to see it? Nah... If he would've done those things before, I think I would've noticed.
(And here I go a-wandering)
In the meantime, I get to live vicariously through you (if you have a blog that I read ---->). I've been trying to read more so I can get a better picture. I think ttwd, if we ever do it, will be different than anything I've read so far. I've never really had an attitude that needed fine tuning. I've always been conscious of my decisions and any consequences. I may be a dreamer, but I'm also a thinker. I don't make any decision without weighing out the pros and cons, and even asking advice. I don't do anything rash. My biggest problem area besides the new rules I suggested (which he has yet to say anything about), is in dealing with our kids. They drive me insane! Don't get me wrong, I love my babies dearly, but the constant bickering, tattling, and outright meanness is going to send me to the looney bin. I think they fight just to get me upset. I've started trying to be more of a referee, but I still get really cranky with them not listening to me. It's like they are trying to make me blow my top before they will put their shoes away or brush their teeth or get dressed. Sheesh!
I guess we all have our trials. If I'm going to get punished for something, it's probably going to be over the kids. And if he ever instates the new rules I suggested, I would probably get in trouble a few times for not managing my time wisely (ex: reading all those blogs I love). Who knows...I may need some attitude adjustments from time to time, probably because I tested my limits. I do test limits. I can't help myself. I'm better with zero tolerance. That would keep me from testing my limits. Well, of course I'd probably test it once. Once would be enough.
(Now I really get sidetracked and start rambling)
I've been spanking-free for a few days. I've got a doctors appointment on Thursday, and I don't want to be asked about bruises. Plus, it's about to be that time of the month. I won't see in action until it's over.
Hubby is watching me expectantly while eating his cereal, in the bedroom. I think I'm supposed to get off the computer now and get ready to go to the office. Fine! (here I go with the attitude!)
To sum up...oh what the hell...I'm a crazy pms lady with no one to talk to and no spanky-treats. There...how's that?
I'm a type B, a follower, submissive. Hubby is a type A, more of a leader than I, neither submissive nor dominant. He sees us as equal. We are equal, and would still be if he decided to be the HoH. Since I know he knows where my blog is but he never reads it, I'll go into a bit more detail.
Hubby's mom raised him and his sister pretty much single-handedly. His father was/is a workaholic and wasn't around as much as he should've been. His mother made the rules, checked to see homework was done, fed and clothed them. She was the matriarch. How do you get a man who's used to having a woman in charge to take charge? Your guess is as good as mine.
He has stepped up a bit. He's giving direction. He's putting his foot down. Maybe he's been that way all along and it took me being more submissive to him to see it? Nah... If he would've done those things before, I think I would've noticed.
(And here I go a-wandering)
In the meantime, I get to live vicariously through you (if you have a blog that I read ---->). I've been trying to read more so I can get a better picture. I think ttwd, if we ever do it, will be different than anything I've read so far. I've never really had an attitude that needed fine tuning. I've always been conscious of my decisions and any consequences. I may be a dreamer, but I'm also a thinker. I don't make any decision without weighing out the pros and cons, and even asking advice. I don't do anything rash. My biggest problem area besides the new rules I suggested (which he has yet to say anything about), is in dealing with our kids. They drive me insane! Don't get me wrong, I love my babies dearly, but the constant bickering, tattling, and outright meanness is going to send me to the looney bin. I think they fight just to get me upset. I've started trying to be more of a referee, but I still get really cranky with them not listening to me. It's like they are trying to make me blow my top before they will put their shoes away or brush their teeth or get dressed. Sheesh!
I guess we all have our trials. If I'm going to get punished for something, it's probably going to be over the kids. And if he ever instates the new rules I suggested, I would probably get in trouble a few times for not managing my time wisely (ex: reading all those blogs I love). Who knows...I may need some attitude adjustments from time to time, probably because I tested my limits. I do test limits. I can't help myself. I'm better with zero tolerance. That would keep me from testing my limits. Well, of course I'd probably test it once. Once would be enough.
(Now I really get sidetracked and start rambling)
I've been spanking-free for a few days. I've got a doctors appointment on Thursday, and I don't want to be asked about bruises. Plus, it's about to be that time of the month. I won't see in action until it's over.
Hubby is watching me expectantly while eating his cereal, in the bedroom. I think I'm supposed to get off the computer now and get ready to go to the office. Fine! (here I go with the attitude!)
To sum up...oh what the hell...I'm a crazy pms lady with no one to talk to and no spanky-treats. There...how's that?
Friday, August 17, 2012
I Think He Put His Foot Down
Just a little background on me. I have an addiction to regular Coca-Cola. Only, it doesn't like me one bit. Besides the every irritating heartburn it gives, it contains caffeine, which my brain can't handle too well. My poor brain got miswired on several things. When I was pregnant, instead of throwing up for morning sickness, I had sneezing fits. I took an Adderall once and was stoned for the rest of the day. Caffeine? Well, too much makes me tired and the slightest bit will cause me to have memory problems. But I love my Coke!!! It's not fair!!!
Today, while trying to get the house in some semblance of order, I got a headache and whined to Hubby to bring home Advil. I later confessed that I thought it was a caffeine headache and after some questioning, I confessed that I had indeed been having Coke in the mornings. He gave me a little talking to. It wasn't enough to make me upset, but it did get my attention because he's never talked to me like that before. He was matter-of-fact with a dominant quality I've never heard out of him. He didn't say this, but I think he may consider this a spankable offense. Therefore, I am off the Coke. No more for me. I don't want to risk a real punishment spanking.
It's just so yummy. Oh Coke, I will miss you so. Sad, sad me...
Today, while trying to get the house in some semblance of order, I got a headache and whined to Hubby to bring home Advil. I later confessed that I thought it was a caffeine headache and after some questioning, I confessed that I had indeed been having Coke in the mornings. He gave me a little talking to. It wasn't enough to make me upset, but it did get my attention because he's never talked to me like that before. He was matter-of-fact with a dominant quality I've never heard out of him. He didn't say this, but I think he may consider this a spankable offense. Therefore, I am off the Coke. No more for me. I don't want to risk a real punishment spanking.
It's just so yummy. Oh Coke, I will miss you so. Sad, sad me...
This Thing
It seems everyone has their own version of TTWD or TIH or DD or whatever. I'm working towards something, I'm just not sure what it is. With Hubby's resistance and my constantly questioning where I fit in, time is moving too slowly and thoughts too fast, and no answers are coming out of it. I continue to have patience, leave Hubby to his thoughts about it all, and take a lot of deep breaths. He still hasn't answered my letter to him. I'm guessing maybe either he doesn't want to think about it, he hopes if he ignores it it'll go away, or he's still mulling over things. In the meantime, I've been having him rub my bare bottom every night, sharing my emotions and thoughts.
I tried confessing an oops on my part yesterday during our special time and he just laughed at me. He had instructed me 2 weeks ago not to let the gas tank go below 1/4 tank because it's hard on the fuel pump and we don't need another car repair. We have one car and the transmission is about to go. We don't need to do the poor car any more damage. I promised with a firm "Yes sir!" which earned me cockeyed look. Yesterday, I noticed that the tank was just at 1/4 and I knew I should get it filled but I had so many things to get done. I took my daughter shopping for school clothes and lunch. We were out all afternoon and didn't get home until 6 pm. My tank was just above E. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just got so caught up in everything else, I didn't think about it. His reaction told me that he didn't really care about it. I took it as a rule. He just shrugged his shoulders. For now I'm just going to keep trying to be submissive to him in hopes that he will see my desire for Dd as what's best for us.
Until then, I think I will write out what happened versus what I would have like to have happened as a sort of cathartic release. Let's take this morning for example. What happened? Well, I miscalculated the funds available in the business checking account. I didn't read something carefully and thought a $770 item was already deducted when it was not. This morning the account was -$600 and was hit with $140 in overdraft fees. Really, after Hubby told me yesterday about the mess, there was nothing to do but wait until this morning to see what the damage was. He reassured me that it happens, especially because it's summer time and things are real slow this time of year. Some simple math on my part couldn't hurt, but lesson learned for next time.
Here's what I think I would've preferred (*do do do do* *do do do do* *do do do do* - my best Wayne and Garth wavy fade into an alternate reality impression, sad because I couldn't find a YouTube video to remind everyone 😞): My loving and gentle Hubby had me lay across his lap. He pulled my panties down to just below my sit spot and started to rub, talking the entire time about how business is just slow and these things happen. He spent a lot of time rubbing and reassuring. "You need to let go of the stress and relax. Do you understand?" The lack of response from me was quickly met with four hard spanks. "Do you understand???" he demanded. "Yes sir!" I squealed. He continued rubbing and talking about how we were going to get through the weekend just fine. He told me he loved me over and over throughout the talk. He was so loving and comforting that when he let me up, I felt relieved and worry free. I think I was happily skipping to the shower!
So there you have it. Reality and it's alternate ending. Hard to type with my thumbs on my phone but it's all good. Once I get a new laptop I think any keyboard will do just fine. On the bright side, I do get to use my emoticons. 😉
I tried confessing an oops on my part yesterday during our special time and he just laughed at me. He had instructed me 2 weeks ago not to let the gas tank go below 1/4 tank because it's hard on the fuel pump and we don't need another car repair. We have one car and the transmission is about to go. We don't need to do the poor car any more damage. I promised with a firm "Yes sir!" which earned me cockeyed look. Yesterday, I noticed that the tank was just at 1/4 and I knew I should get it filled but I had so many things to get done. I took my daughter shopping for school clothes and lunch. We were out all afternoon and didn't get home until 6 pm. My tank was just above E. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just got so caught up in everything else, I didn't think about it. His reaction told me that he didn't really care about it. I took it as a rule. He just shrugged his shoulders. For now I'm just going to keep trying to be submissive to him in hopes that he will see my desire for Dd as what's best for us.
Until then, I think I will write out what happened versus what I would have like to have happened as a sort of cathartic release. Let's take this morning for example. What happened? Well, I miscalculated the funds available in the business checking account. I didn't read something carefully and thought a $770 item was already deducted when it was not. This morning the account was -$600 and was hit with $140 in overdraft fees. Really, after Hubby told me yesterday about the mess, there was nothing to do but wait until this morning to see what the damage was. He reassured me that it happens, especially because it's summer time and things are real slow this time of year. Some simple math on my part couldn't hurt, but lesson learned for next time.
Here's what I think I would've preferred (*do do do do* *do do do do* *do do do do* - my best Wayne and Garth wavy fade into an alternate reality impression, sad because I couldn't find a YouTube video to remind everyone 😞): My loving and gentle Hubby had me lay across his lap. He pulled my panties down to just below my sit spot and started to rub, talking the entire time about how business is just slow and these things happen. He spent a lot of time rubbing and reassuring. "You need to let go of the stress and relax. Do you understand?" The lack of response from me was quickly met with four hard spanks. "Do you understand???" he demanded. "Yes sir!" I squealed. He continued rubbing and talking about how we were going to get through the weekend just fine. He told me he loved me over and over throughout the talk. He was so loving and comforting that when he let me up, I felt relieved and worry free. I think I was happily skipping to the shower!
So there you have it. Reality and it's alternate ending. Hard to type with my thumbs on my phone but it's all good. Once I get a new laptop I think any keyboard will do just fine. On the bright side, I do get to use my emoticons. 😉
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
New Rules?
Last week, Hubby and I discussed a different approach to discipline, since he likes to think of it as consequences. He wanted me to come up with rules and my own consequences for breaking them. I spent some time last night deep in thought and wrote him this letter:
He has read it, but not responded. He says he needs some time to digest it. I'm okay with that. Notice that nowhere in the letter did I mention spanking or any kind of physical discipline. I just asked for his help. If we do what I suggested, it would mean huge changes in our relationship. I've been trying to prove to him that I can be submissive and still be my same old playful self.
I'll let you know what his response is.
In the meantime, I've been having him rub my bare bottom at night while I talk to him about the day, especially anything emotional. Last night he was so helpful with his suggestions about dealing with the kids. He said that instead of getting emotional, I needed to see myself more as the referee. You don't see the ref having a hissy fit while trying to settle a dispute between 2 rivals. So I shouldn't get all wound up either. Good advice Hubby! The rubbing is really helping me. It puts me in a submissive mood and more willing to accept whatever he wants to tell me. I like it a lot.
Places where I need "encouragement" to better myself and our lives:
With rules come consequences. Not all of them can be as easy as losing at-home computer and/or phone privileges. Sometimes, especially when I know you are disappointed in me, I beat myself up verbally. I call myself names, I berate and belittle myself, and I fall into a hole where I build up a knot inside full of anger. I need you to help me prevent that. As to how...well I'm sure we will figure something out. All I know is that I need you to be strong. I need you to help guide me to become the wife and mother I know I can be. And those decisions will not always be easy, but if made in love, we can correct the issues together.
- Time management: Obviously I lose track of time constantly, especially when I am craft shopping or on the computer. Boundaries and limits would be good here.
- Chores: Well...what can I say. A daily chore list would be helpful.
- Meal planning: I've had every intention in the world of getting around to making weekly shopping lists so we can stay on a budget and quit eating out. This is my fault and I accept full responsibility. I need a set time to sit undisturbed to plan for the week until I am done. I also need a set shopping day/time. No excuses, no distractions.
- Sleep: I think staying with a strict bedtime would be good for both of us. What we do after we get to bed is another story. But no more tv/computer/phones after that time. No phones in bed.
- Child management: The kids need boundaries and limits as well. I am at least 50% responsible for their care. Helping them get organized for the following day, making sure they are fed, bathed, and in bed by 7:30 should be a goal for both of us. But I need to step up and not make you work so hard.
- Weight management: I don't stay on a plan because I'm not even sure I care. I need you to push me to make the right decisions. I need boundaries. I need to be expected to follow through and quit playing around with my health and yours. You follow what I set in place for our diet plan. But I don't stick to it, so neither do you. If I'm expected to stick to it, and I fail, then I fail us both. It's vitally important for us to get this under control. I am counting on you to ensure we don't.
- Submitting to you: I know you hate that word. It makes me cringe too. But here's the rub; we don't get anything done unless one of us is the leader and the other the follower. I need you to be the leader of our household. I need to be a good example to our daughter, and you to your son. Just because I submit to you does not mean that I am at your whim. It means that when there is a decision to be made, we discuss it, but you have the final say. It means that I follow your lead. It means that we work together in all things. It means that you cherish me and want what's best for me, for our marriage, and for our children. It means that you are the leader of our family in all ways, especially spiritually. And it means that I help you. It's still a partnership. We still hold each other accountable. We are still a team. I will do my part.
I hope this makes sense to you. Just know that I love you dearly. I want this for us. We can make this work. I believe in it. Trust me.
I love you.
He has read it, but not responded. He says he needs some time to digest it. I'm okay with that. Notice that nowhere in the letter did I mention spanking or any kind of physical discipline. I just asked for his help. If we do what I suggested, it would mean huge changes in our relationship. I've been trying to prove to him that I can be submissive and still be my same old playful self.
I'll let you know what his response is.
In the meantime, I've been having him rub my bare bottom at night while I talk to him about the day, especially anything emotional. Last night he was so helpful with his suggestions about dealing with the kids. He said that instead of getting emotional, I needed to see myself more as the referee. You don't see the ref having a hissy fit while trying to settle a dispute between 2 rivals. So I shouldn't get all wound up either. Good advice Hubby! The rubbing is really helping me. It puts me in a submissive mood and more willing to accept whatever he wants to tell me. I like it a lot.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
A New in Rent-A-Cop Town
Just had a wonderful Mexican lunch with Hubby. Margaritas make conversation smoother, that's for sure. Hubby had been thinking about something and decided to bring it up at the bar where we were lunching. The man has no idea how loud his voice is, I swear. He brought up a different idea, a sort of compromise if you will, to fit my needs. He started off by saying, "When I was young, my parents made me pick the consequences for certain things." Suddenly my heart leapt with excitement. Is he willing to try? "But I won't give you a physical consequence." Never mind...Sheesh... He started to tell me how the punishment could be something as simple as taking away my phone for the evening. I gasped. "Aha! See?" he quipped.
In a nutshell, he wants me to pick areas I know I need to improve upon (ie. getting to work on time) and pick the consequence (he really doesn't like the word punishment) for my action. He will enforce the consequence. BUT... He wants me to do the same for him. Now while I appreciate his desire to work together, I need him to be HoH. I can't punish the HoH. That's not how it works! Grumble...
Can't there just be a spanking so we can get it over with? Nope. He doesn't want to mix pleasure with punishment and he doesn't want to ever spank me as a consequence of something I've done wrong. We both agreed it's a start...this nonphysical consequence thing. "It's like having to go out and pick your own switch, isn't it?!" he joked. Yeah...something like that...only without the quickness and surety of a sore bottom to remind me. I won't have the tears to caution me that I don't want it to happen again. I won't feel like he has the strength to master me.
Something is better than nothing, right? It's a step in the right direction. Although I wasn't looking to be accountability partners. I just wanted him to take the pressure off of me, so I could stop beating myself up emotionally about what a wreck I am. I know I have to give it some time. Patience is not one of my finer qualities. Not by a long shot.
I was eager to go home an spend a little quality time with him after lunch. I didn't need much time, just enough to smooth out my rough spots and make me quiver. He refused. He knew I hadn't been in the office all day and that I had to get some work done. I was crushed. I hate being rejected. So I came to work and decided to blog about our lunch. I know I need to get stuff done. I'm just sooooo tired.
Last night I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to hop blogs until I got tired. You can see my new additions over there ---->
I have to go to work now.* Can I dig in my heels and say I don't wanna? Yeah, that's what I thought... Bye friends.
* I forgot to add this when I wrote the post earlier
In a nutshell, he wants me to pick areas I know I need to improve upon (ie. getting to work on time) and pick the consequence (he really doesn't like the word punishment) for my action. He will enforce the consequence. BUT... He wants me to do the same for him. Now while I appreciate his desire to work together, I need him to be HoH. I can't punish the HoH. That's not how it works! Grumble...
Can't there just be a spanking so we can get it over with? Nope. He doesn't want to mix pleasure with punishment and he doesn't want to ever spank me as a consequence of something I've done wrong. We both agreed it's a start...this nonphysical consequence thing. "It's like having to go out and pick your own switch, isn't it?!" he joked. Yeah...something like that...only without the quickness and surety of a sore bottom to remind me. I won't have the tears to caution me that I don't want it to happen again. I won't feel like he has the strength to master me.
Something is better than nothing, right? It's a step in the right direction. Although I wasn't looking to be accountability partners. I just wanted him to take the pressure off of me, so I could stop beating myself up emotionally about what a wreck I am. I know I have to give it some time. Patience is not one of my finer qualities. Not by a long shot.
I was eager to go home an spend a little quality time with him after lunch. I didn't need much time, just enough to smooth out my rough spots and make me quiver. He refused. He knew I hadn't been in the office all day and that I had to get some work done. I was crushed. I hate being rejected. So I came to work and decided to blog about our lunch. I know I need to get stuff done. I'm just sooooo tired.
Last night I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to hop blogs until I got tired. You can see my new additions over there ---->
I have to go to work now.* Can I dig in my heels and say I don't wanna? Yeah, that's what I thought... Bye friends.
* I forgot to add this when I wrote the post earlier
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