He Did It and Is This Normal?

I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I've had a million post titles run thought my head: Saddle Sore, Shaken not Stirred, My Place...I finally settled for what you see up there, and at the point that I am writing this, I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind is in a confused jumble of emotions I don't know how to begin to process. I guess I should explain what happened...

Hubby took me in hand last night. He stepped up big time. He said he had time to think and he knows what I need. He lectured and spanked, lectured and spanked, and lectured and spanked some more. He said so much last night that I can't begin to remember it all. I'm not even sure how most of you remember what's being said as you are being spanked.

He told me so much; everything I needed to hear. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I needed it. It was encouraging, supportive, stern, loving, and controlled. He spoke carefully, definitively, about how he was going to lead our household and start setting things right.  He talked about how we need to start reading the Bible with the kids and start living like God would want instead of squandering what He has given us. He talked about how we need to be an example to our kids, how I'm not always going to want to do what he needs me to, and how sometimes he may get frustrated, and how that may mean consequences, and how I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and how he's watched me for 12 years and knows me and what I can handle and knows what I can't.

In the end, he pulled out the wood paddle with the holes to help drive his point home. He calls it "the closer", but based on my reaction to it, he wants to call it "the defibrillator". It stings like crazy!!! He spanked relentlessly and I went into a panic. I lost control. I couldn't be still. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything. I was confused and in an adrenaline tailspin. It was the tipping point. I'm not sure when, but he stopped the spanking and laid on top of me and I started to cry. It's wasn't the cry I expected. I thought it would be a culmination of all the guilt I was carrying. I thought it would be the guilt that pulled me into tears. But it wasn't. The panic, the adrenaline... I couldn't catch my breath and the tears came between gasps.

I felt a deep remorse, a desire to make things right. I cried "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" over and over again. He held me tightly and comforted me. He was the strong man I always needed him to be. He did everything right. He is amazing. I want nothing more than to please him. And maybe that's why I was crying. I was stuck in a rut where I knew I wasn't pleasing him and I'm not sure I wanted to. He pulled me out of it and put me in my place. No, not "my place" as in where a woman belongs or some nonsense. He put me in the place that I belong; the safe, warm place where I can relax because I know that he's got me.

This morning, I am filled with so many emotions and I'm not sure what they all are. I feel liberated and excited. At the same time, I feel tentative and sober. I feel afraid because this is a new change and I hate change. But I need this change. I need it desperately. I feel like I want to cry and rejoice all at once. I feel alive. I feel connected, not just to him, but to others too. I want to go around hugging everyone. I feel what he wanted me to feel; empowered.

I'm grateful to Hubby for spanking me to tears. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I'm afraid it will happen again, and yet I need it to happen again and again and again. I need to be pushed over the brink and to fall into his safe and loving embrace. I need to push and feel his strength in return.

So there you have it. DD is in full force. We are back in the saddle, this time with the intention to ride it out, for as long as we both shall live. The veil has been lifted. He is HoH. I am TiH. I am his fully, completely.

But what is this jumble in my head? Is this normal? I don't remember being able to feel more than one emotion at a time and yet it feels as though they have come out all at once. Do you know what I mean?

(((hugs)))

TransParent

Yesterday being Easter, we spent the day at church and with family. Hubby lead a Christian Seder, which only seemed truly appreciated by the children. His uncle and grandma were there along with his sister, her husband, their kids, and of course his mother and step-father. Anytime you get the family together it becomes a game of talking about the least desirable person, usually me. Well yesterday was no exception.


Hubby's grandma (let's just call her my Grand Mother in Law, or GMIL for short) has never thought we were doing anything right. When she first visited our warehouse 3 years ago, where we make and distribute our products, she said that we were pissing our money away and Hubby should be working for someone and saving for retirement. We are a great disappointment to her. She's in her 80's, cranky as all get out, and not afraid to tell anyone her unsolicited opinions. She just asks questions and retorts with all the flaws in one's thinking.

So really it should have come to no surprise when she went on a tirade against me at dinner. I was blindsided by it. She asked if we still had that RV (we got rid of it...unwillingly) and I told her no but that I was thinking about getting a smaller, van-like version of an RV for my mobile nail business. She started asking questions in her usual grumpy, I'm-out-for-blood manner. How was I going to make any money starting a new business? I have an assistant; so why would I pay her for work I should be doing anyway? I am spending money on things when I need to be keeping my business going. I shouldn't have an assistant. I should be doing the work. After all, my first business isn't making me rich. How am I going to buy a house when I don't have any money? She went on about how I'm "pissing" my money away and why am I not saving it and blah blah blah. I forgot about the incident at the warehouse until that moment. But I was in too much shock to tell her where to stick it.

Hubby was not at the table when this was going on. MIL only heard the last part of the conversation, so she didn't say anything. SIL and her husband were across the table, but they just kept their mouths shut. No one came to my defense. I had no witty comebacks and everything I said sounded like I was on the defense, which of course I was.

To drive her point home, GMIL started asking SIL about what she's doing. SIL is going to school full time to become a physical therapist, a doctorate degree. She stayed at home with her kids until they both started going to school full time and then decided to further her own education. She married rich. Her husband has an amazing job with lots of benefits and a huge salary. Because his job takes him from home a lot, SIL is following in the footsteps of her mother and grandma; she is in charge...of EVERYTHING. GMIL sounded like she was going to go on the warpath with SIL, but SIL answered all the questions correctly. When it came to questions of the kids, her homework, and even the sneaky one about who cleans the house, she passed with flying colors.

When it came time for GMIL to leave, she half hugged me and Hubby and said good-bye. She spoke with SIL and her husband loud enough to make sure I heard her say "Good-bye. Love ya. You guys are doing a great job!" to each of them separately. She had a point to make and by golly she was going to make it.

After she left, MIL was speaking with SIL about the incident with an "Oh my goodness! Did you hear her???" She made mention that she was glad she wasn't the target this time. SIL tried to make sure I was not angry with her over it. Of course not. Why would I be angry with Princess SIL? She's got money and ambition and does everything right. I struggle financially, am the least motivated person I know, and am the blackest sheep in the family. It's not her fault she's perfect. It is her fault, however, that she has no spine. None of the women in the family do except for the primary matriarch. And me. That get's me into trouble. A lot.

Hubby and I spoke about it on the way home. He just kept saying that that's who they are; a bunch of miserable, cranky women. He felt bad he wasn't there to stick up for me. He also reminded me that I need to not be so open about our lives around his family. They like to use anything we say against us. I reminded him of what his own mother said just a few weeks ago to my assistant while they were away at a trade show. MIL told her that my SIL does everything right and she adores her children.

Later, after we put the kiddos to bed, Hubby went on a motorcycle ride. He likes to get out every once in a while to go think. When he got back, he said something to me that I am still in shock over. He apologized to me for not validating my feelings , for not being there to stick up for me, and for not being transparent about his feelings (I thought he was just talking about this particular situation, but in writing this realized that he was speaking of the trouble I've always seen with his mother.). He responded to the it with a wall, when really he was very hurt by what had happened. He finds it incredibly unfair that his sister is treated like a princess while we are practically shunned. His mother is always openly proud of his sister, and never of him. He is hurt by it. He just kept saying that she loved us just the same, it's just that we lived closer so she didn't miss us as much as her daughter (who lives a whole hour away, and who's kids she sees more than ours). MIL doesn't realize that we moved here to be closer to family and that she's making us regret our decision.

He brought up the fact that we do not treat our daughter any better or worse than our son. We do not praise our girl and put down our boy. They are equals, and as such have the same love from us. I cuddle just as much with one as the other. I am stern with both of them equally. We have the same expectations of each of them; to strive to be the best they can, to be respectful, truthful, and kind.

But Hubby's family is very conditional with their love. I do not meet their requirements. I'm an obligation to be put up with. Now, if I were to stomp all over Hubby, make him work for the "man", dinner on the table at 6 every night, perfect children, own my own perfectly clean house...well then I might stack up. But Hubby didn't marry a spineless man-hater. He married me; strong-willed, messy, honest, pull-no-punches, fight-for-the-underdog me and all my imperfections. He loves me just the way I am. That's good because I ain't changing for anybody except myself. And I kinda like me, even if his family doesn't.

Still, it would be so nice to have family that we didn't have to be on our guard with. But Hubby being transparent with me and his feelings has just made a huge difference in me. I feel empowered. I feel like my feelings are justified. I also feel like crying. I think it's the combination of relief that I'm not (completely) crazy and sorrow for Hubby. He refused to see what I have been pointing out all along, but not because it wasn't true. It was because he didn't want to accept the pain that came with that truth. How could a mother love one child over another. It doesn't seem fathomable to us that would never dream of it. So how could it be? We don't know... We also don't know how to deal with it.

Update: Hubby says he is sure his mother loves him, but it's how she treats me and the kids that hurts the most.

See how much I have to talk to my therapist about today?

(((hugs)))

A Bee in My Bonnet & This Means War

I am in a mood of sorts as of late. Call it a cranky mood. Call it a I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mood. Whatever...

So we don't watch the news in our home. We detest it. It's nothing but murder and weather and I can get the weather on my iPhone thank-you-very-much. Don't be surprised by my lack of knowledge of current events. So apparently there is this thing going on in the Middle East...who knew? Seriously, isn't there always something going on there? Well, now my 5 year old daughter knows too. How does she know, you ask?

There is a little boy in our neighborhood. He's about 8 and he plays with my son, who's 7, and my daughter. They race around the neighborhood on each other's scooters and bikes and what have you. It's a quiet place with very nice neighbors all around. But the boy's grandmother is something else. She's, shall we say...umm.... charismatic. She once told me that she watches the news and scours the internet for signs, like earthquakes, that will point to the coming of Christ and that she's in a group that concentrates on the information and shares it. Yeah...ummm... We are Christian. We believe that Jesus died for us. We fellowship with other Christians. We share our faith. We love. But we DON'T scare and alienate other people with our beliefs. This woman told my daughter there was going to be a big war. She's 5! She doesn't need to know what's going on outside her little world. Right now, she needs to concentrate on being 5, going to school, making friends, not being bossy to everyone, and just be a little girl. She does not need to have her innocence shattered and to have nightmares because of an old woman that can't keep her damn mouth shut. Okay...maybe I am a little more pissed about this that I thought. Deep breath...

So in my not-watching-the-news life, I still come across the news on the radio. None of it is very bad stuff. It's all pretty much the stuff they should show on the real news and keep the sensationalism out. Apparently Hostess, makers of high caloric but very yummy snacks, are going bankrupt. While I am glad the temptation will be removed from my sight, I will dearly miss my Suzie Q's, even thought I wouldn't be able to eat them until next year. No more for me! I am so sad.

I got up this morning to see my kids watching the news. Goofy children! News is not for kids. News is for people who like reality TV shows. No offense... I'm just not a fan of any reality show that promotes hostility, encourages promiscuity, or chooses to reveal the worst in people for ratings and the almighty dollar. I say a big NO to shows like Survivor, the Bachelor/Bachelorette, and America's Next Top Model, as well as shows that revolve around idiots like the Kardashian's. Ugh...

I really need to get laid. And spanked apparently.

(((hugs)))

No Comment

HOLY COW!!! Where the heck have I been??? Well, let me tell you...I have gone completely insane lately.

First of all, I have been reading y'all's posts...well, until the past week. I found that while I loved the writing, I just had nothing intelligent to write back, so I didn't comment. That lead to some introspection about why I was feeling too inadequate to comment, which lead to me saying "screw it", and some of you emailing me to ask if everything was okay. Yes, everything is okay. I've just been inadequate and very busy.

I decided to go to school to become a nail tech. WHAT?!?!?! But you already have your own successful business and a fabulous Hubby and two beautiful little people... Aren't you too busy to go to school right now?

Yes. Yes I am. But, I'm doing it anyway. Without a creative outlet, I have a hard time coping with the rest of my life. Weird, huh? I'm a much happier person when I'm doing something crafty/girly/beady/knitty/etc-y. And you know what? I'm having fun. I'm meeting some wonderful people and I'm having a great time learning how to put on tips and do acrylics and gels, as well as all the steps to manis and pedis. Best of all, it's taking my mind off crappy things that are happening.

Crappy stuff happens to you too? Huh... I guess we can't be immune to it. I tell you what though...Ignorance is bliss. I'm much happier not knowing things. If the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I have no desire to know. I don't watch the news. I don't read the paper. My employees tell me stuff sometimes. Really, I'm good not knowing.

Back to other things...Why am I going to school? Because I want to be able to volunteer my time at nursing homes/care facilities and do manis on old ladies and talk with them about the good ol' days. I have a soft spot for them.

And what is happening with DD? Nothing. We are just kind of back to normal. Almost like it was a phase. Don't get me wrong, some things have changed a lot. Hubby is still HoH. But my submissive nature mixed with his kindheartedness means that there is no 2nd D. There's just the first one mixed with some erotic spanking on occasion (if I ever get off my stupid period! I swear that ever since I got this IUD, I've been spotting or ragging the entire time. It's been almost 2 months!). That's what makes this ttwd I guess. I'm done trying to change him. He will change when he thinks it's time to and no sooner. He is in charge after all.

It is time to put my babies to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. I promise I will try to comment on your posts, even if it is just to give you ((hugs)).

A Drunk by Morning, the Tooth Fairy by Night

Yeah! You read that right! I was DRUNK this morning. Be forewarned: This part of the post contains TMI material. It's girlie issues, so read at your own risk.

About 5 weeks ago, I went to see my OB/GYN to get an IUD placed. The IUD is not for birth control. I have fertility issues that prevent pregnancy. It's to help control heavy menstrual bleeding. My period lasts 7 days and the first 3 I can hardly leave the house. The IUD should vastly lessen my period within 6 months. Yay!

So I went to get the IUD placed the first time and they couldn't get it in. My body should really be for the record books for the amount of things that should work but don't and vice versa. They even tried moving me to the ultrasound room so they could look inside as they were inserting it. It was an absolutely painful no-go. That is one of the worst pains ever (comparable to the time I got a cortisone shot in my ear drum). I was screaming to the point that the doctor finally stopped, I think so I wouldn't scare his other patients.

It took 5 weeks to get another appointment. We had joked after the first attempts failed that it would be better if I had pain relief, or maybe even was drunk. Well, it so turned out that Hubby is far, far away and can't help me with the kids, so I couldn't take any meds because they would knock me out for the whole day (Valium and Xanax don't work on me anyway, so I would have to take Lorazepam). My only other option was to get drunk and I would be fine in a couple hours. I asked the nurse about it and she said it would be fine as long as someone else was driving. Well duh! I may be disobedient at times, but I'm not an idiot.

This morning I showed up to work with a fifth of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) in hand and sat down with the crew while I drank. One of my employees was nice enough to take me to my appointment. It seemed so wrong to be drunk when it was still daylight. I usually reserve that sort of behavior for after the kids go to bed. I got in to my appointment and while it still hurt like the dickens, it's in and all is well. Apparently I have a wicked 90° angle they had to maneuver.

Confession: I decided to drink an iced grande salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) and a coke after all was done. My reasoning was 2 fold; 1, I haven't had caffeine in several days, so it would help keep me awake after I came down from my drunken bliss. I couldn't afford to fall asleep at work. And 2, I'm not having any tomorrow and I'm not picking up the habit addiction again. It's not like I'm going to ever have need to drink that early in the day again and not have help with the kids. Yes, I've told Hubby about it already. He's okay with it, although he thinks I could've found other means to stay awake. I'm not sure what other means he means, but pinching myself or trying to stand up and type wouldn't have worked. I would have just driven home and napped and gotten absolutely nothing done and our employees wouldn't get paid and they would be mad at me. I stand by my decision. That's all I have to say about that...

The day went by fast and I had to get the kids and go back to work. Then we got a pizza and went home to do homework. After all the kiddos got to video-chat with Daddy, they played in their rooms while I had my chat. A blood curdling scream came out of the bedroom. The boy had helped the girl do a flip on his bed and she landed face first into the wooden bed rail. Her eye blackened almost immediately. I applied arnicare to it, so hopefully that will help. The boy has had his 2 front top teeth loose for a very long time. Unlike his sister, he refused to fuss with them at all. But they have a habit of coming out on their own eventually. Today he was showing everyone how far back it would go. I offered to take it out for him (something Hubby would never do because it grosses him out) and he finally acquiesced. It took just a couple firm pulls and it was out. Tonight, I am the Tooth Fairy!

                                        

The kicker in all this? It's picture day tomorrow. Yep...My kiddos, one with a black eye and the other with a missing tooth, are getting their school pictures done tomorrow. Doesn't it figure? We're going for the backwoods redneck look this year. Oh boy...

(((hugs)))

2,367 Miles

On Saturday, I asked Hubby if he had read my posts. I was pretty worried when he texted back that he read it and he was going to lunch. So I waited... We were just about to leave for the office when he finally texted back.

I've been contemplating how to reply about your blog post and... I'm not sure whether I feel upset, disappointed, or sad about the choices you've made this week.  I can remind you, ask you, and if want even yell at you like a drill instructor, but I can't "make" you do anything... 

You need to stop saying the house is a mess and pick something up... Stop saying you're going to head to work and just go... and stop drinking caffeine!!!!  If I know you, your chest hurts right now and you want to go into your room, close the door and cry... But that is NOT going to happen.  You are going to get dressed, take the kids to the park so they can run around, and on your new iPhone5 text me a list of all the reasons why you love being a mom and wife.  
I expect that text no later than 4pm and will ask the kids if they went to the park today...  

I don't care about any cards you need to run, or errands...the consequence for noncompliance will be the repossession of your phone when I get home.  I'm not kidding... I'll get a standard cell phone that only makes calls and eat the data plan for the foreseeable future.   

You want me to help you get on track... roger that  

Just know that I love you unconditionally...

I know. I'm going now. It's so hard not to cry. 

I know lover... But you can do this ... 

I thought long and hard about what he asked of me. It's not fear of losing my phone. It's knowing that he is so upset that he would "eat" the cost of the data plan in order to enforce his point. I'm sure that if he were anywhere near home, I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week. I can't really guarantee that he won't do that when he gets home. He did go pretty easy on me considering.
I texted him back at 3:39.

Why I love being a mom: 

Pride. All of my reasons boil down to that one word. They have amazing thoughts and do incredible things. They make me laugh and make me cry. They are so smart. And they are mine.  

Why I love being a wife:
I'm not alone and I'm not lonely when I'm with you. We make the perfect team. You make me laugh. You hold me and love me and I'm not as afraid anymore. I love to please you. I love to see you smile and love being the reason that you do.  

I'm not good at this. My reasons are probably all wrong. I'm not sure of the purpose of this exercise. My love for you and the kids is why I feel like such a failure.  

Thank you...
Now please text me a pic of the kids at the park ... (I did as he asked) 

Excellent... Now make that picture the wall paper on your phone 

Done.  

Thank you... 

They look happy!  The seem glad to be outside and they are grateful you brought the to the park ....  

Yes 

The "point" of the request is simple...for you to do what I asked of you.  

Alright. I understand.  

Good... :) 

I didn't know I could be taken in hand from 2,367 miles away. A later request from him had us going to see Finding Nemo 3D. It is the same as the movie we already have, only very 3D-ier. The detail was amazing. It was a late night and the kids went down pretty easy when we got home. I did too come to think of it.

Hubby requested that we go to church. I typically don't go without him unless I'm singing, so this was a challenge in itself. We were there on time. I was uncomfortable. It's not that I don't know anyone, just that I feel incomplete without him.

After church, we did a little shopping, got some stuff for the kittens, and some groceries. It was a pretty relaxing day. I'm hoping to get the house picked up by Saturday. I would like for the kids to have fun that day since the rest of the week will be spent trying to reclaim our living space.

I really can't wait for Hubby to get home. I don't care if the first thing he does is correct me for my transgressions or make passionate love to me or even pass out because it's too darn late to do anything and we will deal with it all the next day. I just want him home. 2 weeks is too long. :(

(((hugs)))

The Man in Black

I love The Princess Bride. I love that Wesley loved Buttercup so much that he rescued her even though he felt betrayed by her for getting engaged to Prince Humperdink. He was strong with and for her. He protected her. He came back into her life, after 5 years away learning how to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I'd like to believe, he took her in hand. He made her his once again, even though she had given up.

I miss Hubby. He's been gone 1 week now, and it's still another week before he gets home. I love him so much. I really want to submit to him, do all he's asked me to and more. But I've been screwing up. And so I have confessions to make about this first week he's been away. Hubby...please don't be too mad.

Confessions:

I stayed up until almost 2 am on a school night (Sunday night). I had to take a nap the next afternoon. Plus, I got absolutely next to nothing done at work. I didn't even show up until after 11:30 am.

I watched 4 episodes of The Vampire Diaries in one sitting on Monday night. I was only allotted 2.

I lied by omission and redirection about the shows on Tuesday night. When he asked how many episodes I had watched, I told him 1 and I had just started a 2nd one. I knew he meant all together and not just Tuesday night, but I sidestepped it and went on to talk about how Damon finally kissed Elena. Why did I not confess that in the 2 nights since he left I had watched 6 episodes plus the 2 on the 3rd night, making for a grand total of 11 (3 from the night he was sick), I can't tell you. I only know I was cringing at myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I obviously cannot be trusted with even simple requests. What is wrong with me??? Lying by omission is still lying. I know this...

I have no will power. I hardly have it when he is here, but when he is gone I am suddenly compelled to rebel. It happens every time. I will drink to much, or stay up too late, or both. But wait, there's more...

I haven't made dinners. I've been eating very poorly everyday. The house looks like a tornado went through it (and I've named it after my kids). I haven't bothered to pick up after them or make them pick up after themselves. I have been fighting with them to do the simplest tasks and they ignore me and do whatever they want until I lose my temper. They seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

I've let my MIL get under my skin. Hubby has been wonderfully supportive of my feelings about her. This was always a battle before ttwd. But now I know he's got my back. I feel safe. And she can just go take a walk. Long story... But I still have my hackles up about it. I should let it go. But I don't want to.

I have been drinking cokes again. Hubby left me with 2 as a gift and I drank them. I bought one for myself, but have also been ordering them from McD's with meals (cringe again) and any other chance I get. Hubby doesn't like me or the kids to eat there. Apparently, I just can't be trusted. I don't trust myself. What the hell am I doing?

Wednesday I slacked. Hubby called at 9:15 and told me I needed to be on my way into work. Instead, I flat-ironed my hair and took a long detour to Target. I got some incidentals we needed and birthday and gift cards for my assistant's son who just turned 3, along with a salted caramel mocha (with caffeine) which is my new addiction. I'm not supposed to be having any caffeine. I finally got to work at 11:40 and had to leave at 12:20 to get the kids from school (early release Wednesdays). I was too preoccupied with everything to get anything worthwhile done. The house is still a wreck. I am procrastinating big time. I only watched 2 episodes. I know he knows...

I had a therapist appointment on Thursday, so I was late to work. I got the bare minimum done before I had to go pick up the kids. Yes I had another iced salted caramel mocha with caffeine. At this point, I'm not even going to lie. Everything is an even bigger disaster than before. Hubby's head would surely explode.

Friday I had to wait all day until UPS got to my house so I could make sure my new phone didn't get stolen. The guy just left the package on my porch, he didn't even bother to knock. It made me pretty grumpy. I didn't get any work done because the kids had the day off from school. They argued all day and refused to do anything I asked/told/yelled at them to do. I feel like I'm talking to cats. They hear some sort of noise coming out of my mouth, but they aren't going to budge from their comfy spots.

Saturday (today) is confession day. I have to work this morning to make up for a few things I didn't get done yesterday. Hubby is going to read all this and I am going to face the consequences; gladly, willingly, and with complete submission (insert laughter here). How about this...I will accept the consequences and do whatever he says whether I like it or not. My behavior as of late has been a far cry from what I expect of myself, let alone what Hubby should expect from me. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself.

Again, this all goes back to the jumping beans on my plate. Every mess the kids make is another bean. The laundry piled up, bean. The mountain of clutter on every surface available, beans. Cowgirl is right when she commented about the vicious cycle overwhelm and hopelessness can be. That's exactly where I am. My plane is in a nose dive with Captain Overwhelm and Co-pilot Hopeless at the controls and I can't pull up by myself. I'm hoping Hubby can help me.

What I mean by help me is not to do it for me. That just makes me feel worthless on top of everything else. I crawl deeper into a hole of self-pity and self-loathing when that happens. It's never Hubby's intention to make me feel that way. I do this to myself. It's part of my vicious cycle. I need Hubby's guidance and motivation to help steer me in the right direction. I've proven over and over I can't do it alone and it's not because I don't want to. This isn't a matter of "just be submissive and everything will fall into place" or "if you wanted it bad enough, you could make it happen." I think for those who have never experienced these feelings, the despair and the worthlessness, it's hard to understand. This is some heavy duty emotional work that has to be done. This is not something my therapist can help me with. I need Hubby to help me.

Man I miss him. I'm trying not to cry right now because I don't want to upset my kids. But the tears are there. The desperate need to be loved by him is there. I can't wait for my Man in Black to come home and take me in hand.

One more week...

(((hugs)))

The Crossroads and the Plate

I saw my therapist today. We discussed all kinds of things like my assessment results from taking several online tests I took, like StregthFinders 2.0. We also discussed how I'm not a mind reader, even though I still beg to differ that my MIL's thoughts can be easily read through her body language. She doesn't hide it well at all. We also talked about how I am at a crossroads with everything in my life. What???

The Crossroads:

My therapy - We've dealt with so much already. It's time to take steps, but in which direction? Why can't someone just tell me what to do? She thinks I should go back to school. I told her how much I hate school. It's difficult for me because I'm a kinesthetic learner. That presents many challenges for me in traditional education. So what to do? I dunno...

My business - What I should be when I grow up, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment is what I already am, but changes need to be made. I am a projects kinds of girl. I start them and I can finish them as long as they don't go on too long. If they require any length of time, I get bored and set it aside with promises that I will get back to it, only to never pick it up again. It's not that I'm lying when I promise. I have every intention of finishing it. But the monotony of owning my own business, all the daily tasks, it's a never ending project that bores the crap out of me. It's monotonous and boooooooring and I hate it. But there are several challenges to it that I like. And then there is the fact that I have been flaky and forgetful. I hate flaky people. How did I become one?

My marriage - I made a change in my marriage. I decided to take a long hard look at myself and institute changes. I don't want to be a bitch to Hubby. I don't want to ignore his needs anymore. Sometimes he wants me to do things and gets frustrated with me for not getting to them. I completely understand that. If I were him, I would be frustrated too. Of course if I were him, I would've had me bent over the bed a long time ago...

My children - The kids... Don't get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are my pride and joy. They are amazing, smart, fun little people. But I'm not good at parenting them. They are a project that has gotten excruciatingly out of hand. They drive me absolutely crazy. I love to snuggle and love and kiss and huggle with them. I love to share songs and watch them put on plays for me. I love to teach them little things like how bubbles in soda make a straw float to the top of the glass. But I'm not so good with the big picture.

My home - It's a mess. An ever-lovin' disaster! Stuff is everywhere. I'm a clutter bug. The worst part is that I can clean an area until it sparkles and be very good about putting things back and keeping that area clean and somehow, someway the clutter finds it and invades it. I turn my back and my dresser is covered in clothes that should be put away. I leave the bathroom for 5 minutes and everything ends up back on the counters. It's amazing how it happens. And I gave up. I stopped trying a long time ago.

My finances - As Hubby will attest to, I am a wreck. I have some bills that have been following me all year. I avoid the mailbox like the plague because I know what's in there...another bill. I don't answer my phone if I don't know the number because it's that doctors office again... When I don't have money, I avoid the bills. Thing is, when I do have money, I still avoid them because I don't want to deal with them. Bills aren't new projects. They are old projects that won't quit bugging me.

My therapist suggested that maybe we should work on ways to make old "projects", be it bills, cleaning, or kids, have a new and creative edge to them so I feel challenged instead of bogged down. Any suggestions?

The Plate:

I used this analogy with a friend of mine and she thought it was pretty good; If I were standing holding with a plate full of mexican jumping beans at shoulder level, that would be a pretty good representation of my life right now. Every employee request, note home from school, bill in the mail, or toy on the floor is just another bean added to my plate. It's annoying and irritating and frustrating and stressful. I am overwhelmed.

My therapist said that all the feelings I'm having right now are because I am at these crossroads and I'm building up the energy to make a change. What I perceive as this feeling of annoyance and irritation and frustration is really just the energy building. The stress of these feelings is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I don't like it, but it's been a long, a long time coming, and I know a change gonna come...

Procrastinating Again

There are days when I'm not really sure what to write. I don't want to lose my blogging momentum either. So I will just post random thoughts instead. Welcome to my brain...

My children are driving me nuts. I'm not sure what planet they came from. They are being completely obnoxious and I find myself yelling a lot. Hubby has intervened and told them that under no circumstance were they to ignore me. Yeah, that didn't last long. My daughter will not listen to me. She just keeps pushing me to see if I will do what I threatened. My problem is that I am not consistent with her. What's sad is that I know what I need to do, but in my heart I just don't want to. She needs me to commit to my word. I need to get on it now while she's 5 1/2 and can still have some control. She is so strong-willed, it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I just hate taking stuff away, or not letting her do fun things. I am a horrible example of raising children.

I broke rule #2 yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was at a stop light and I thought I should text my MIL to make sure she's okay with getting stuff taken care to help her mom move to Florida. We don't have the greatest relationship, so when I can get in the little thoughtful things, it helps her get over some of the things she dislikes about me. She's extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative. I see right through her and refuse to play into her games. She hates that about me. Anyway, I didn't even think about when I should be texting her, I just did it when I was at a stop. When I got to where I was going, I texted Hubby to let him know what I did and the circumstances. I told him that I was sorry. I was sick to my stomach actually. I spent all the drive to my destination thinking about how I screwed up less than 24 hours after the rule was made and not knowing what to expect; how hard was I going to get spanked, would I cry, and so on. He texted back that it's okay to text at a red light. Just don't do it while in motion. Phew! Punishment Motivation averted. But that ball of worry, stress, and anxiety was still there. I didn't sleep last night, and I think that was the reason.

Question for you: Do you confess to your HoH, even though you know what that means? Do you hide it until he finds out? How does he know? What I told him yesterday was that I was confessing my "infraction" not because I want to get in trouble, but because hiding it is deceitful. I fully expect to pay the penalty. Or be motivated to to the line. However you want to look at it. I told him that really all the rules will fall under one of the 4 D's. The rule about me being ready to leave by the time he gets home from dropping the kids off is about disrespect and disobedience. I am not showing anyone I work with respect when I saunter in at 11 am. And Hubby has requested repeatedly that I get to work in a timely manner. I should obey him. The rule about texting and driving is obviously about dangerous behavior. I feel that omission is tantamount to lying, and lying falls under dishonesty. Dishonesty really bothers me. It eats at my heart. So I had to confess what I did. Do you do the same?

Hubby had asked me to make up a cleaning schedule for us to follow. My house is in absolute chaos. I am a clutter bug. It's horrible, I know. And I just look at everything and feel so overwhelmed. I would rather just lay in bed, reading blog posts on my iPhone. Nothing gets done. Hubby comes home and is visibly a bit frustrated. He starts cleaning something because he can't stand to look at it anymore and I feel guilty and emotionally beat myself up while hinging in my room. When I showed him the chore list last night I told him that more than any other rule, chores will be the first to get me in trouble. Making the list felt like signing my own death warrant. But he asked me to do it, so I did. I'm sure at some point I will regret it.

I have a headache and am late for church. Hubby has been there all morning (and last night) helping with audio. He has one weekend every month when he serves all 4 services. I was supposed to be there for 10:30 service but I was....drumroll please....reading blogs. Yeah... So I have to leave now to make it in time for the last service. Most of the rest of the month, I will be serving on the worship team as a vocalist, mostly background vocals.

Okay...I really have to go now. Chat with y'all later! ((hugs))

Rolling Aye!

Oh my goodness last night was incredible! It didn't go exactly as planned, it was better. We ate our favorite meal and drank and talked. I had a Drunken Monkey. Apparently it doesn't take much alcohol to make a monkey drunk. Just sayin. I also had my very first Bahama Mama. Yeah...that was much better. After dinner, we took a walk over to the ocean. The sun was setting, but there was just enough light to read. I read my renewed vows to him as the water lapped at our feet. It was the perfect moment.. Hubby said that the scripture I quoted in my vows was exactly what he needed to hear.

We got to the wine shop by 8:30 and they had a private room set up for us. We talked and drank wine. We reminisced about the past 10 years and all the crazy stuff we've done. We circumnavigated the country in an RV with a 4 month old (every time Hubby would start the RV, he would say "Rolling!" to which I would reply "Rolling Aye!" to confirm I was aware of his intent to go). I invented a product and started a business. Hubby got his bachelors and then his MBA. We decided to "Go Big or Go Home" with my product and sold everything except what we could fit in the RV and the SUV, and with a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a cat, we moved from Oregon to Florida.

We talked about the next 10 years and what we'll reminisce about on our 20th anniversary; how our kids will be in high school, our son a senior and our daughter a sophmore. What crazy things will we have done? What adventures would we take? How much will our lives have changed?

It's amazing that after 10 years, we are still getting to know each other. We love each other more and more every day. We've gotten so much closer since we introduced spanking into our lives. Who'd a-thunk it? And now we are talking rules. Rule 1: Get up with the alarm. Be ready to leave for work by the time Hubby gets back from dropping the kids at school. Rule 2 (added just last night): No texting and driving. Both of us do it, but I'm the worst. He said it will be a great rule for both of us. If he texts me and I'm driving, he said to wait until I got to a stop light and text "dr" so he would know that I'm not ignoring him and I will text back as soon as I've gotten to where I'm going. I can see that making rules is a lot easier for him.But I did admit to him that I am curious about the first time I break a rule. I told him that I wouldn't do it on purpose just to find out, but that I wonder what I'm actually in for. So far all of our spankings have been intimate. I think I'm scared to find out what a punishment spanking will be like.

It's been an incredible 10 years so far. We are starting the next 10 years off in a DD relationship and he's driving. Rolling Aye!

A Delayed Introduction

Hi...My name is Lil Misses (obviously not, but for practical reasons, I cannot share my true identity). I chose the name to reflect what I am not but want to be, and some of who I am. Hearing several times on tv or in conversation between adults as I was growing up, "Why don't you check with the lil missus" or some such (really? some such? I'm appalled at my own writing sometimes). I also liked the word "misses" as in I have little misses, or missteps, as opposed to big ones. And of course "unfolds" has very much to do with my needs/desires/self-discovery that is blooming whether I want it to or not.

I am 41 and almost a 1/2 (yes, I count every day and for good reason). I have 2 great elementary age kiddos. My husband and I will share our 10th anniversary on Friday, August 31st. We are very happy and get along wonderfully. I own a business selling a product I invented 4 years ago. It's very successful, although we struggle financially because I refused to use credit to build my business. Everything I made, I put right back into it.

When Hubby and I decided to move to Florida from Oregon to be closer to his family (yeah...still questioning my logic on that one), he left a very good job and we moved my business. But here in Florida jobs are scarce, especially for someone with an MBA. Everywhere he went he was "over qualified" so we struggled for 6 months as we made the decision to "Go Big" with my business. I let Hubby take over the monotonous things I didn't like to do, mainly bookkeeping and manufacturing, while I headed up sales, customer service, and graphic design. I found myself giving up more and more of my control over things and slipping further away from the business. I fell into a hole of depression. I was miserable, had no friends, no home church, no future I could imagine.

Hubby describes me then as someone he didn't recognize. I had lost all will to do anything. I would vehemently deny to every one that I was depressed. I didn't follow the typical symptoms. I was already on medication for anxiety, one that I had been off and on for 12 years. I have a bit of a problem with anxiety and paranoia. Of course you wouldn't know that unless you've seen me off my meds. Otherwise I am completely normal...well, whatever that means.

After a couple years of living here in the sunshine state I had made friends, the business grew and we had employees (heck...I even got myself an assistant), and found a church that fit us perfectly. Life could not be better. But it wasn't, not for me. I gave away more and more of my responsibilities and showed up to the office less and less. I was aware that it felt like my medication wasn't working anymore and one doctor doubled the dose. It was like it just stopped working and no amount of it was going to fix anything. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get put on another medication.

The day before my appointment, I had a meltdown. I will spare you all the gory details, but suffice it to say that I practically accused my husband of having an affair with my assistant (which would never happen in a million years!), and when I realized that that was not the issue, my feelings of betrayal went into the next possible place, that I was no longer of value to anyone. I drove around for a couple hours with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, in a complete meltdown as it felt as though my universe just collapsed in on itself and there was nothing left but hurt and anger. I refused all his (and anyone else) attempts to contact me. I was in a downward spiral. Thank goodness it only lasted a couple hours.

Once I was put on the new medication, I sought out help from a therapist. What I found out from her completely changed my life. The hard, emotionally charged trauma work she had me doing, plus the new medication, freed me of all these demons that have been haunting me for years. I no longer had to be the strong woman who never cried. I now had grace to get me through the day. I released so much from my past that I am now able to truly live. I still see her weekly to talk about any issues that may have come up or any trauma work she wants to put me through. But I am happy now. And I cry openly and often, which my therapist says has the same effects on the brain as having an orgasm. Yay me...

What came with this new release was completely unexpected for Hubby and me. I was able to finally talk about my deepest desires. And what do you know? There were several websites and blogs devoted to it. There is so much information out there about spanking, and I followed the breadcrumbs until it landed me on DD. Once I was here in domestic discipline land, I did not want to leave. Sure, I questioned if it was right for me. But I know in my heart it is what I always wanted but was afraid to ask.

Hubby of course said "NO!" at first (and still does about discipline anyway). But he's gotten really good at what I've requested of him; stress relief spankings. He doesn't necessarily like doing it so I have been making sure to make it as sensual as possible. And now I'm working on the other parts of the DD relationship by being as submissive as I can and showing him that this new dynamic doesn't have to change who we are. He's been doing great at taking on the HoH role and even changing how he talks to me so that there's no wiggle room when he tells me to do something. We are working on it together. He is my motivator.

Speaking of motivators...I just bought a round leather paddle by Spartacus on eBay and it should arrive Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm hoping that if Hubby looks at my request more as motivation and less like discipline, then he might be willing to give it a try. We will see. I'm making suggestions and leaving it to him to decide what he wants to do. I will obey whatever he decides.

As far as my business is concerned, Hubby put me back in full control of it and he stepped away. He does help me often as I am learning the reigns of this new full blown business that I started in my garage. Now we are in a warehouse with employees that act like teenagers and equipment that is always on the verge of breakdown. But I'm handling it. Hubby went back to contracting programming stuff and all things geek. It's working out very well for both of us. I can't wait to see what the future holds!

Type A Does Not Equal Dominant

You know how some things you don't really think about until you realize how obvious it is and then you see you've been completely ignorant? Like the time I realized that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is the same melody as the ABC song (and Bah Bah Black Sheep). I just had another one; Type A personality does not equal a dominant personality. I guess I just assumed they walked hand in hand.

I'm a type B, a follower, submissive. Hubby is a type A, more of a leader than I, neither submissive nor dominant. He sees us as equal. We are equal, and would still be if he decided to be the HoH. Since I know he knows where my blog is but he never reads it, I'll go into a bit more detail.

Hubby's mom raised him and his sister pretty much single-handedly. His father was/is a workaholic and wasn't around as much as he should've been. His mother made the rules, checked to see homework was done, fed and clothed them. She was the matriarch. How do you get a man who's used to having a woman in charge to take charge? Your guess is as good as mine.

He has stepped up a bit. He's giving direction. He's putting his foot down. Maybe he's been that way all along and it took me being more submissive to him to see it? Nah... If he would've done those things before, I think I would've noticed.

(And here I go a-wandering)

In the meantime, I get to live vicariously through you (if you have a blog that I read ---->). I've been trying to read more so I can get a better picture. I think ttwd, if we ever do it, will be different than anything I've read so far. I've never really had an attitude that needed fine tuning. I've always been conscious of my decisions and any consequences. I may be a dreamer, but I'm also a thinker. I don't make any decision without weighing out the pros and cons, and even asking advice. I don't do anything rash. My biggest problem area besides the new rules I suggested (which he has yet to say anything about), is in dealing with our kids. They drive me insane! Don't get me wrong, I love my babies dearly, but the constant bickering, tattling, and outright meanness is going to send me to the looney bin. I think they fight just to get me upset. I've started trying to be more of a referee, but I still get really cranky with them not listening to me. It's like they are trying to make me blow my top before they will put their shoes away or brush their teeth or get dressed. Sheesh!

I guess we all have our trials. If I'm going to get punished for something, it's probably going to be over the kids. And if he ever instates the new rules I suggested, I would probably get in trouble a few times for not managing my time wisely (ex: reading all those blogs I love). Who knows...I may need some attitude adjustments from time to time, probably because I tested my limits. I do test limits. I can't help myself. I'm better with zero tolerance. That would keep me from testing my limits. Well, of course I'd probably test it once. Once would be enough.

(Now I really get sidetracked and start rambling)

I've been spanking-free for a few days. I've got a doctors appointment on Thursday, and I don't want to be asked about bruises. Plus, it's about to be that time of the month. I won't see in action until it's over.

Hubby is watching me expectantly while eating his cereal, in the bedroom. I think I'm supposed to get off the computer now and get ready to go to the office. Fine! (here I go with the attitude!)

To sum up...oh what the hell...I'm a crazy pms lady with no one to talk to and no spanky-treats. There...how's that?

New Rules?

 Last week, Hubby and I discussed a different approach to discipline, since he likes to think of it as consequences. He wanted me to come up with rules and my own consequences for breaking them. I spent some time last night deep in thought and wrote him this letter:

Places where I need "encouragement" to better myself and our lives:

1. Time management: Obviously I lose track of time constantly, especially when I am craft shopping or on the computer. Boundaries and limits would be good here.
2. Chores: Well...what can I say. A daily chore list would be helpful.
3. Meal planning: I've had every intention in the world of getting around to making weekly shopping lists so we can stay on a budget and quit eating out. This is my fault and I accept full responsibility. I need a set time to sit undisturbed to plan for the week until I am done. I also need a set shopping day/time. No excuses, no distractions.
4. Sleep: I think staying with a strict bedtime would be good for both of us. What we do after we get to bed is another story. But no more tv/computer/phones after that time. No phones in bed.
5. Child management: The kids need boundaries and limits as well. I am at least 50% responsible for their care. Helping them get organized for the following day, making sure they are fed, bathed, and in bed by 7:30 should be a goal for both of us. But I need to step up and not make you work so hard.
6. Weight management: I don't stay on a plan because I'm not even sure I care. I need you to push me to make the right decisions. I need boundaries. I need to be expected to follow through and quit playing around with my health and yours. You follow what I set in place for our diet plan. But I don't stick to it, so neither do you. If I'm expected to stick to it, and I fail, then I fail us both. It's vitally important for us to get this under control. I am counting on you to ensure we don't.
   
7. Submitting to you: I know you hate that word. It makes me cringe too. But here's the rub; we don't get anything done unless one of us is the leader and the other the follower. I need you to be the leader of our household. I need to be a good example to our daughter, and you to your son. Just because I submit to you does not mean that I am at your whim. It means that when there is a decision to be made, we discuss it, but you have the final say. It means that I follow your lead. It means that we work together in all things. It means that you cherish me and want what's best for me, for our marriage, and for our children. It means that you are the leader of our family in all ways, especially spiritually. And it means that I help you. It's still a partnership. We still hold each other accountable. We are still a team. I will do my part.
   

With rules come consequences. Not all of them can be as easy as losing at-home computer and/or phone privileges. Sometimes, especially when I know you are disappointed in me, I beat myself up verbally. I call myself names, I berate and belittle myself, and I fall into a hole where I build up a knot inside full of anger. I need you to help me prevent that. As to how...well I'm sure we will figure something out. All I know is that I need you to be strong. I need you to help guide me to become the wife and mother I know I can be. And those decisions will not always be easy, but if made in love, we can correct the issues together.
I hope this makes sense to you. Just know that I love you dearly. I want this for us. We can make this work. I believe in it. Trust me.

I love you.

He has read it, but not responded. He says he needs some time to digest it. I'm okay with that. Notice that nowhere in the letter did I mention spanking or any kind of physical discipline. I just asked for his help. If we do what I suggested, it would mean huge changes in our relationship. I've been trying to prove to him that I can be submissive and still be my same old playful self.

I'll let you know what his response is.

In the meantime, I've been having him rub my bare bottom at night while I talk to him about the day, especially anything emotional. Last night he was so helpful with his suggestions about dealing with the kids. He said that instead of getting emotional, I needed to see myself more as the referee. You don't see the ref having a hissy fit while trying to settle a dispute between 2 rivals. So I shouldn't get all wound up either. Good advice Hubby! The rubbing is really helping me. It puts me in a submissive mood and more willing to accept whatever he wants to tell me. I like it a lot.

Wits End: Population 1

Oh my goodness, I am so frustrated I'm not even sure where to start this except to say that my kids are driving me CRAZY! I have a permanent scowl on right now and I'm not sure how to rid myself of it. My son, age 7, and my daughter, age 5, have taken it upon themselves to ensure my insanity. And it all comes down to them not listening to me, threats to take them to the bathroom, more misbehavior, and me tearing my hair out. People pass by in the store as I'm scolding them and just smile while shaking their heads. Why oh why can't the little boogers just listen to me? It would avoid so much of this frustration.

They listen to Hubby of course. He doesn't let them disrespect me or ignore me while in his presence. I'm really the only one they do this to. And it always ends up the same. I start by asking, then pleading, then yelling through gritted teeth and threatening to take away their birthdays. My son argues with me constantly, no matter what it's about. I tell him to stop but he just keeps at it. He's stubborn that way. My daughter is the most strong-willed little demon spawn I've ever met. She is constantly doing things behind my back and then lying about it. She says things that are mean and uncaring just to see if she can get a rise out of me. She laughs at time outs, doesn't care if I take things away. And she's bossy to boot! Sweet on the outside, devil on the inside. Is it just me, or are kids (not just mine) getting more and more out of hand? I would've never been that mouthy to my parents!

I know... I'm not very consistent with them. I'm wait to enforce consequences until I can't take any more. And with the girl, it's difficult to understand what's even going to work. Also, I would never ever get anything done. They choose times when we are out in public to misbehave the worst. Today, I had to get some school shopping done because they start school next week. They were the most obnoxious kids ever. They hit each other, annoyed one another, tattled, and got louder and louder. They wouldn't stay seated in the stupid cart. They wouldn't quit grabbing things. And then they whined incessantly that they wanted something new to play with because they have nothing. For the record, I didn't get them anything new. They have plenty of crap. They don't need anything else. And I do not give in to whining, crying, or fit throwing ever. 

So Hubby is home. Kids are settled down. I'm in my room stewing. Hubby apologized that I had a rotten time with them. He's keeping them out of my hair so I can write this post. I have laundry to get done, but I really don't want to have to look at those little darlings of mine. Just so you know, they get plenty of cuddle time and attention from me. There is no reason whatsoever for them to be acting out.

I need help. What do you do when you get in a mood?