I'm NOT a Child

I discovered something yesterday. Call it that feeling of safety, of being cherished, of feeling loved and protected. When Hubby covers my hands with his, I feel all those things and more. It's an amazing and quite surprising feeling. Its effects lingered all day. My hand, so small in his. I could feel my weakness and his strength all at once. What a wonderful feeling! I felt endeared to him, like I was nothing but his and his alone and he was mine. I felt so small and fragile, just with the little gesture of his hands covering mine.

Now Hubby has mentioned on several occasions that he doesn't want me to be another one of his kids that he has to watch all the time. This subject came up again last night. Not so much in those exact words, but a variance to be sure. He feels that if he has to tell me to "watch my tone", and that is exactly what he would have to tell one of our kids, then it is like he's treating me like a child instead of his partner.

Some men like that. Some men refer to their spouse as "baby girl" or some other term that puts them in that special place. Some TiH refer to their HoH as "Daddy". I call Hubby "Daddy" and he calls me "Mama", but it's all because of our kids. We still do it even though our kids are 6 & 8. For us, it's not really any more roll affirming than calling each other "Hon". We often refer to each other as "Lover", and it doesn't even carry any sexual meaning to it.

Even though we have firmly established that he is HoH, and I am mildly TiH, the question still remains; How do we make sense of this arrangement without him feeling like he has to treat me like a child? Between the necessity to warn, scold, and spank, how is this not a parent/child relationship? 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to take me in hand for all it's worth and help me see my behavior is not working for us but against us (I don't always know I'm doing it). How can he do this without feeling like I'm just another child he has to deal with? I'm at a loss to explain it to him. My older brother once shouted at me, "If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!" But I don't act like a child on purpose, at least not most times. It's my personality. I pout. I shut down. I distance. I yell back. I disrespect him in front of our kids and his friends. I don't do what he asks, only because I don't want to. I procrastinate. I am guilty of all these things and more. Can it be as simple me acting like a child, inadvertently or otherwise, that I deserve to be treated like one? How do I explain to Hubby that this isn't about the parent/child relationship, but more? How do you rationalize it?

We've already started down this path, so we aren't turning back. We are getting great results. Last night we had several breakthroughs while I endured paddling. I was spilling tears before we even started, but that's a story for my next post.

If you can, just please tell me ways to explain it to Hubby so he doesn't feel so...weirded out(?) about DD. I'm not asking him to be my daddy and I'm certainly not his baby girl. He already has one of those and she's got him wrapped around her 6 year-old little pinky finger. Sucker...

(((hugs)))

Need Art of Lecture Advice

Pretty simple, huh? Eh...

Yesterday I texted Hubby with this request:

Need a reassurance/reminder spanking. Reminder that you are in charge and will protect me. Reassurance that everything will be okay and about how you feel about me.

Well, the spanking did happen. It was hard. It was intense at times. What it was not was a whole lot of talking. He did say things like, "I'm so glad you are not trying to control everything anymore," and "I will always be here for you. I will always protect you." But it was a few words between volleys of swats. It didn't do for me what I needed it to and I'm not sure if it was because I went into it with a certain expectation that I was going to be put into that head-space.

It is possible that my expectation was that lecturing comes naturally to men. My dad lectured me nonstop when I was a kid and he still tries to. Hubby is still very new to HoHing and, while lecturing the kids is easy enough, lecturing his wife is quite another. He doesn't want to treat me like a child. But I think that lecturing is a matter of intent, not age.

I cannot tell him how to lecture. That is not something that comes easily to me either. I'm a thinker, a writer, a "Why didn't I think to say that?"-er. I spend a lot of time gauging the possible/probable reaction to what I say because I worry about the consequences. Thankfully, lecturing is not expected of me.

So Hubby needs help. He won't research it on his own, so I will have to read to him whatever we are advised. Any help you could offer would be great. I think we both need to get into that space where spanking makes a difference.

Your thoughts?

(((hugs)))

Patience and Falling

Yesterday was amazing. My birthday was wonderful with a couple exceptions, one of them being an issue with my business that adds a little too much drama to my otherwise peaceful day, but no matter. But the other issue was that Hubby is once again reading my blog and has requested that I talk to him before blogging about stuff. Yes, he is absolutely right. I, once again, am being impatient and wrapped up trying to control everything again. Hubby, even though I paint him to be completely perfect in every way (because he is), would like to be "perfect-er-ish-ness-ituity" (great wordsmith my man is!). And when I say things that may make him look less than what he is, I take away the chance for him to make things right. Also, I need to be fair to him. He's had to put up with über-B for several months now and I need to let him readjust to the old me. For me, it just feels like we should pick up where we left off, but he needs time to reacquaint himself. I need to be patient. That's not something I'm very good at. Any advice on that one?

I've also realized that I get giddy now every time I touch Hubby's hand. I feel like "we" are new all over again. I look at him with wonder and awe. I am falling in love again and again and again. He excites me. I just want to do anything and everything to please him. After reading Dana's post, I was reminded of exactly why I loved this ttwd life we had. I so hope we get to get back to it soon. Hubby was showing signs yesterday of trying his HoH hat back on. It was very nice...comforting. What do you love about ttyd?

Also, I must say another apology for my disappearing act; this one to someone dear to my heart, Lillie. I feel as though I failed you as a friend and I am so very sorry. I didn't mean to leave you like that. I know I hurt you and I am beyond words to describe deep sorrow I feel for it. Just know that whenever you are ready to let me back in, I will not fail you. I promise you that. (((hugs)))

And (((hugs))) to everyone else.

Crushing, Overwhelming Guilt and I Need Advice

My guilt...my sins are many. I have been miserable to live with. I have thought and said things that are inexcusable. Hubby, the shining beacon of a perfect husband that he is (No, I'm not being facetious. He really is that incredible and I don't deserve him.), carries no record of wrongs. But as each minute passes. I remember more and more of my transgressions.

I am being crushed under the weight of the knowledge of what I've done. I feel sick. I know what I need to do but I seem unwilling to do it. I need to cry. A lot. That's the only way, I think, I can let go of it all and forgive myself. But I just can't. I've done too much. I've broken all the rules I said I never would. I disrespected him to his face and behind his back. I was rude to him. I distanced myself from him. I stopped touching him. I withdrew intimacy. I pushed him away. I was dishonest. I lied. A lot. Mostly about where I was, especially if I was running late. I defied his authority. I decided that I was in charge of myself and he could go f*** himself (and yes, I muttered that under my breath on more than one occasion). I disobeyed him. I didn't want to do anything that I didn't want to do and he couldn't make me. I didn't care what effect my actions had on him. But the worst thing I did, in my own mind, was take back my vows. I never said it out loud. But I thought it. I wanted to rip that picture off the wall I made of the cloud version of my vows and toss it. I also looked at the very dusty box of implements and decided that that was never going to happen again so I may as well toss them in the garbage. I didn't. But I wanted to.

Yes, that's right. I was willing to throw it all away. I just didn't care. And while it was the hormones that made me this way, I am still responsible for my actions. I chose to not reign myself in, but to happily ignore how my actions affected others. I chose to let things get bad. I chose to not care. So while Hubby forgives me completely, saying to himself all those months "That's not my wife", I have to face up to the fact that it was partially me. It's the me that I keep in check most of the time, until, due to hormones, I couldn't.

This is the way I feel. Right, wrong, or indifferent, these are my feelings and I have the right to have them. But with that said, I need advice. What do I do with these feelings? How do I get them out of me? How do I forgive myself? HELP?!?! I can't stand the constant ache in my chest. What do I do?

(((hugs)))

Heart Ache and Guilt

My heart aches. I feel a bit like a teenager on a hormone roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up again. And back down we go. Somethings been bugging me the past couple days. I have this guilt that's been nagging at me. My heart just hurts and I want to cry. I look at my house and I see failure. Failure as a mother. Failure as a wife.

I had just gotten home from dropping the kids off at a friends neighborhood pool. It was late, I was hungry. Hubby had just gotten home as well and was getting himself ready to join the kids at the pool. I don't go because I don't like to see myself in a bathing suit. Hubby mentions that it looks like a tornado hit the house. I told him about the kids' big idea to make kitty forts everywhere they could. But our room looked the same. Just our stuff cluttered all over. When did this happen?

I stepped over all of it and laid in bed, reading a story on my phone. Hubby came in and asked what I was doing. I said that I was reading a story. He mumbled something and sighed heavily. Less than a minute later, he came back into the room and scolded me. He said that it seems all I ever do is blog (case in point) or read blogs or stories and it's become an obsession that takes over everything else. He very firmly told me he needs my help. I said okay and got up to start picking some stuff up off my side of the bed. I'm not done by any means, but I just look at all this and see failure. It makes me feel rather depressed. And then to have Hubby yell at me like that...

Well, I am proud of him for finally saying something. Normally he just goes into the other room and fumes quietly. But my heart just hurt even more when he did that. All I could/can do is beat myself up about it. I am a big fat failure and I can't do anything right even if I were to get up off my big fat ass and do something. I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't wanna I. Don't. Wanna. My heart hurts. I just want to cry. Only the tears won't come. Just the pain in my chest. And I want it gone. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

What is it? Why so much guilt? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I have a persistent nagging headache? Why? I think that if I could rid myself of the guilt, I wouldn't have a headache or the pain in my chest or the desire to do nothing.

What do you do with your feelings?

I Need Your Help Please

I really need some help, some advice, some direction if you will. You see, this Friday is my 10th anniversary and I want to rewrite my vows to Hubby as a gift. My original vows were lame in comparison to his. I wrote about bringing him Advil and a cold mask when he has a headache, always being supportive, and other niceties. He recited 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, my favorite passage. He won.

I told him I was rewriting them and he gave me the "I hope this doesn't involve that discipline stuff" look. Okay, maybe I was reading into it a little, but it was a strange look.

So now I would like to rewrite my vows, especially considering all that's changed in the past 6 months. I've got a start here, but could use your help in fleshing it out. Pretty please? I tried to include some guy references, since he was in the Navy and all.

*********
Hubby,

Every day, I wake up and realize that I love you more than I did the day before. You are my constant. My rock. My everything. For this reason, I have chosen to rewrite my vows to you to reflect the changes of the past 10 years.

I vow to love you always. You are and have always been my partner in all things. We've done some amazing things in our time as a married couple. Your love for me is unfailing and without condition, even after all that I've put you through. My love for you will continue to grow with us. (does this sound okay?)

I vow to honor you always. You deserve nothing less than the respect you have earned by always being there for me, no matter how crazy I got. (need more here)

I vow to obey you. You are my Captain. I will follow your lead. You are my navigator. Where you go, I will also. (need more here)

I vow to help you, as God created Eve to help Adam, although I will not listen to snakes and try to feed you forbidden fruit. I am your XO. You will not be alone. (need more here)

I vow to submit to you, as is written in Ephesians 5:22-33.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[b] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{[c] 32} This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I vow to be the best wife I can be (at least for the next 70 years). We've been through better and worse, richer and poorer (mostly poorer), and sickness and health. And we've come through these things with humor, trust, and bonding. (I need to get real sappy here to end)

I love you and always will. You are my everything, and I vow to be yours too.
**********
As you can see, it needs some help. I'm on a short timeline here and will update it as suggestions come in and as my cogs start turning. Thank you in advance for your help!

Wits End: Population 1

Oh my goodness, I am so frustrated I'm not even sure where to start this except to say that my kids are driving me CRAZY! I have a permanent scowl on right now and I'm not sure how to rid myself of it. My son, age 7, and my daughter, age 5, have taken it upon themselves to ensure my insanity. And it all comes down to them not listening to me, threats to take them to the bathroom, more misbehavior, and me tearing my hair out. People pass by in the store as I'm scolding them and just smile while shaking their heads. Why oh why can't the little boogers just listen to me? It would avoid so much of this frustration.

They listen to Hubby of course. He doesn't let them disrespect me or ignore me while in his presence. I'm really the only one they do this to. And it always ends up the same. I start by asking, then pleading, then yelling through gritted teeth and threatening to take away their birthdays. My son argues with me constantly, no matter what it's about. I tell him to stop but he just keeps at it. He's stubborn that way. My daughter is the most strong-willed little demon spawn I've ever met. She is constantly doing things behind my back and then lying about it. She says things that are mean and uncaring just to see if she can get a rise out of me. She laughs at time outs, doesn't care if I take things away. And she's bossy to boot! Sweet on the outside, devil on the inside. Is it just me, or are kids (not just mine) getting more and more out of hand? I would've never been that mouthy to my parents!

I know... I'm not very consistent with them. I'm wait to enforce consequences until I can't take any more. And with the girl, it's difficult to understand what's even going to work. Also, I would never ever get anything done. They choose times when we are out in public to misbehave the worst. Today, I had to get some school shopping done because they start school next week. They were the most obnoxious kids ever. They hit each other, annoyed one another, tattled, and got louder and louder. They wouldn't stay seated in the stupid cart. They wouldn't quit grabbing things. And then they whined incessantly that they wanted something new to play with because they have nothing. For the record, I didn't get them anything new. They have plenty of crap. They don't need anything else. And I do not give in to whining, crying, or fit throwing ever. 

So Hubby is home. Kids are settled down. I'm in my room stewing. Hubby apologized that I had a rotten time with them. He's keeping them out of my hair so I can write this post. I have laundry to get done, but I really don't want to have to look at those little darlings of mine. Just so you know, they get plenty of cuddle time and attention from me. There is no reason whatsoever for them to be acting out.

I need help. What do you do when you get in a mood?

(Not) Sitting Pretty

I went shopping yesterday for a replacement hairbrush since my last one cracked. I also bought a new wooden spoon that in no way could be confused with one from the kitchen. I told Hubby that I really needed a long, hard "vacation" and he was happy to comply. As long as the spanking is sexual in nature, and a pleasurable experience, he is willing to give it a go.

I asked him to tell me what implement he was using so I could judge the pain levels for future reference. He spanked me for about 30 minutes and toward the end I was thrashing about as he was holding me down. He did really well. I'm very proud of him for sticking it out as long as he did. We kept checking in with each other. He wanted to know on a scale of 1 to 10 how I was feeling. I would in turn ask him how he was feeling, making sure that the experience isn't too much for him.

In between series of swats, he massaged my burning bottom, occasionally fingering me or inserting our favorite new toy (a vibrator with bumps and ribs) before starting again. His favorite implements? The new hairbrush and spoon of course! I don't know how many swats I received. I couldn't count them. I was trying to experience the pleasure in the pain. I was also trying to figure out what "sub space" is, but I couldn't find it. The pain kept me very present.

What started off as stinging pain that faded into a warm feeling all over my bottom, ended up as peaks of pain I can't quite explain, that, when he was finished with each round of spanks, turned into numbness. He kissed my glowing bottom several times and his whiskers poked at me, giving me an entirely new sensation. The spanks became more and more painful, almost intolerable. I couldn't see how anyone would ever get to that place of serenity and become limp.

Maybe it's because this wasn't a punishment, so my head wasn't in the right place to accept the pain as such, and therefore it hurt in just a physical way instead of emotional as well? Do you only experience "sub space" when your emotions are at a particular place? Can I experience it when it's meant to be a pleasurable spanking? If so, how?

Because there was no emotional release, I don't feel light as a feather today. I feel my sore bottom every time I sit. Don't get me wrong, that has a pleasure all it's own because it reminds me of last night and the gift my lover gave to me. But I would love to find that space or release I crave. Any suggestions?

As for my new friends, the hairbrush and the spoon, I would say that I prefer the hairbrush. It definitely provided more sting. The spoon was a deeper kind of pain. Don't get me wrong. I liked it too. Of course now I'm considering other implements, ones that would have to be purchased from a specialty store; a real paddle and a strap. Or maybe not... If Hubby ever does get it in his mind to punish me with a spanking, I just may regret it. He knows where the sit spot is and he spends most of his time there.

Is it weird that after last night's spanking, and the bruising I have this morning, that I want more? I feel a bit insatiable right now. But I'm definitely not sitting pretty. I gots me some sore buns this morning!

He Said No

He said no. Again. My heart is crushed into a million pieces and I want to cry. He says our relationship is a partnership and he doesn't feel comfortable punishing me. He said no. Again and again and again. My heart is broken. I can't begin to describe how I feel. Embarrassed. Shameful. Sad. Hurt. Afraid. Discarded. Alone. Rejected. I can't stop the tears.

What's worse? I knew he would say no. I knew he wouldn't agree to it. It doesn't matter what I want. He doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He is not dominant. He doesn't want to be HoH. I'm a strong woman, and I come from a long line of strong women. But I can't be strong in everything. I feel like I'm failing and I'm begging for his help and he said no. He thinks there are other ways to hold each other accountable. I don't want to do it that way anymore. It hasn't worked for the past 10 years, so what makes him think it will work now? I asked him to be at least willing to experiment. He said no. He's okay with experimenting in a sexual way, but not when it comes to other aspects of our life.

Oh my heart hurts so much. He and the boy are done showering so I have to go now. I'll try to write more later when maybe the sting of rejection is faded a bit.

Is DD right for me?

Since my last post, I have been reading a lot about DD. Is this what I'm looking for? How do I know? I love erotic spanking. But it hinders orgasm. So what does that mean? Does it mean that I need more? If so, more of what?

A little background on my relationship with Hubby. He and I are a perfect match. We never argue. We disagree sometimes, but it's not in anger. We listen to and validate each other's feelings. I get bitchy and spun up sometimes because I'm in a mood and he backs off and let's me alone until I cool down. I feel bad afterwards, but I hardly ever acknowledge it or apologize, which I should (something I need to work on). This month we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. I am more in love with this man every day. He means everything to me, and I to him. We consider our marriage sacred. We communicate fully and honestly. We have that Princess Bride "True Love" that feels so impossibly perfect I think I'm living a dream.

So with all that, how could something be missing? How could I feel like I need anything more? Well, if you look at my history, my half-finished crafts that have taken over everything, the awful condition of my home (especially my bedroom), you can see that something is missing. It's called discipline. I don't have any of it within myself and Hubby doesn't push me. I have a habit of getting upset and beating myself up emotionally because I have failed, but I never fix it. Seriously the dust bunnies are starting to attack my kittens, yet I don't do anything about it. Because I'm lazy. Because I lack the motivation. Because I am not expected to do anything other than what I have been doing all along, absolutely freaking nothing. See where I'm going with this?

I have been put back in charge of my business by Hubby because he got a contracting job that takes up a lot of his time, and he set up my business (that I was in full control of until I slowly started handing everything over to him and my assistant) so that it's streamlined and easy to run. I have to be there at 9:30 because that's when my assistant shows up. My employees are there at 8. When do I saunter in? Usually between 10 and 11. No consequences. No expectations.

I have been told by my most excellent therapist that I have ADD. I can't help but laugh hysterically at this since my life really reflects it in every way. Notice the lack of H in the ADD. I am not hyper, not by a long shot. Adderall makes me stoned. Caffeine puts me to sleep. Nothing works like it should and yet I have no energy. It sucks big time. But this is no excuse to be lazy and I know it. Hubby knows it too. But he won't do anything about it.
I am a horrible example to my children. They don't pick up after themselves. There rooms are a disaster. They don't do anything but watch tv and play games. And where do they get this? From us. Mostly from me. They mirror my behavior. Does that fact make me change? Nope. Will I do anything about it? No. I just don't have it in me to be self-disciplined. I know this about me. Hubby knows this about me.

After reading more about what DD is, I am left to wonder if that's what I truly need. And will I regret it if I can convince Hubby to start? What will change in my heart? In our relationship? In my business? Will I be stronger? More reliable? More motivated? Will I be that person I know I could be if I would just get my lazy ass off of the couch? By the way, Hubby would NEVER say something like that to me. He is so kind and gentle. Convincing him to punish me will take a freakin miracle. He may be a Type A personality, but he's not dominating at all.

Another question: Will I continue to be sexually turned on by punishment spankings? Is this a clue that I wouldn't truly be a good candidate for DD? Or is this just part of how it works? I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision before delving into a lifestyle that will change how we work together.

In my research, I came across a 3 part article at http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/ entitled How to Convince Your Spouse to Try DD. The following quotes were very helpful and I believe them to be a great start to a DD relationship.

DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust.

And I also liked the basic rules to start with, the 4 D's:

nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient

So where do I start with Hubby? I once sent him an article about being Taken in Hand and he came home very upset. He said he would never hit a woman like that. He would never punish me, ever! Well...That made me back off quickly and say that that's not what I wanted. To be fair, I wasn't sure what I wanted at the time. So I wasn't lying, not purposefully anyway.

So what does this all mean? What do I really need? Am I like other wives just starting to explore DD? If you are already in a DD relationship as a wife and you were the instigator or the new relationship dynamics, did you feel like I do now? How long have you been at it? How has it changed your relationship? Do you have any regrets?

I have to go now. It's 10:05 and I am still at home. I need to saunter into the office now...

Your help, opinions, and advice are greatly appreciated.