Monday, April 1, 2013

TransParent



Yesterday being Easter, we spent the day at church and with family. Hubby lead a Christian Seder, which only seemed truly appreciated by the children. His uncle and grandma were there along with his sister, her husband, their kids, and of course his mother and step-father. Anytime you get the family together it becomes a game of talking about the least desirable person, usually me. Well yesterday was no exception.


Hubby's grandma (let's just call her my Grand Mother in Law, or GMIL for short) has never thought we were doing anything right. When she first visited our warehouse 3 years ago, where we make and distribute our products, she said that we were pissing our money away and Hubby should be working for someone and saving for retirement. We are a great disappointment to her. She's in her 80's, cranky as all get out, and not afraid to tell anyone her unsolicited opinions. She just asks questions and retorts with all the flaws in one's thinking.

So really it should have come to no surprise when she went on a tirade against me at dinner. I was blindsided by it. She asked if we still had that RV (we got rid of it...unwillingly) and I told her no but that I was thinking about getting a smaller, van-like version of an RV for my mobile nail business. She started asking questions in her usual grumpy, I'm-out-for-blood manner. How was I going to make any money starting a new business? I have an assistant; so why would I pay her for work I should be doing anyway? I am spending money on things when I need to be keeping my business going. I shouldn't have an assistant. I should be doing the work. After all, my first business isn't making me rich. How am I going to buy a house when I don't have any money? She went on about how I'm "pissing" my money away and why am I not saving it and blah blah blah. I forgot about the incident at the warehouse until that moment. But I was in too much shock to tell her where to stick it.

Hubby was not at the table when this was going on. MIL only heard the last part of the conversation, so she didn't say anything. SIL and her husband were across the table, but they just kept their mouths shut. No one came to my defense. I had no witty comebacks and everything I said sounded like I was on the defense, which of course I was.

To drive her point home, GMIL started asking SIL about what she's doing. SIL is going to school full time to become a physical therapist, a doctorate degree. She stayed at home with her kids until they both started going to school full time and then decided to further her own education. She married rich. Her husband has an amazing job with lots of benefits and a huge salary. Because his job takes him from home a lot, SIL is following in the footsteps of her mother and grandma; she is in charge...of EVERYTHING. GMIL sounded like she was going to go on the warpath with SIL, but SIL answered all the questions correctly. When it came to questions of the kids, her homework, and even the sneaky one about who cleans the house, she passed with flying colors.

When it came time for GMIL to leave, she half hugged me and Hubby and said good-bye. She spoke with SIL and her husband loud enough to make sure I heard her say "Good-bye. Love ya. You guys are doing a great job!" to each of them separately. She had a point to make and by golly she was going to make it.

After she left, MIL was speaking with SIL about the incident with an "Oh my goodness! Did you hear her???" She made mention that she was glad she wasn't the target this time. SIL tried to make sure I was not angry with her over it. Of course not. Why would I be angry with Princess SIL? She's got money and ambition and does everything right. I struggle financially, am the least motivated person I know, and am the blackest sheep in the family. It's not her fault she's perfect. It is her fault, however, that she has no spine. None of the women in the family do except for the primary matriarch. And me. That get's me into trouble. A lot.

Hubby and I spoke about it on the way home. He just kept saying that that's who they are; a bunch of miserable, cranky women. He felt bad he wasn't there to stick up for me. He also reminded me that I need to not be so open about our lives around his family. They like to use anything we say against us. I reminded him of what his own mother said just a few weeks ago to my assistant while they were away at a trade show. MIL told her that my SIL does everything right and she adores her children.

Later, after we put the kiddos to bed, Hubby went on a motorcycle ride. He likes to get out every once in a while to go think. When he got back, he said something to me that I am still in shock over. He apologized to me for not validating my feelings , for not being there to stick up for me, and for not being transparent about his feelings (I thought he was just talking about this particular situation, but in writing this realized that he was speaking of the trouble I've always seen with his mother.). He responded to the it with a wall, when really he was very hurt by what had happened. He finds it incredibly unfair that his sister is treated like a princess while we are practically shunned. His mother is always openly proud of his sister, and never of him. He is hurt by it. He just kept saying that she loved us just the same, it's just that we lived closer so she didn't miss us as much as her daughter (who lives a whole hour away, and who's kids she sees more than ours). MIL doesn't realize that we moved here to be closer to family and that she's making us regret our decision.

He brought up the fact that we do not treat our daughter any better or worse than our son. We do not praise our girl and put down our boy. They are equals, and as such have the same love from us. I cuddle just as much with one as the other. I am stern with both of them equally. We have the same expectations of each of them; to strive to be the best they can, to be respectful, truthful, and kind.

But Hubby's family is very conditional with their love. I do not meet their requirements. I'm an obligation to be put up with. Now, if I were to stomp all over Hubby, make him work for the "man", dinner on the table at 6 every night, perfect children, own my own perfectly clean house...well then I might stack up. But Hubby didn't marry a spineless man-hater. He married me; strong-willed, messy, honest, pull-no-punches, fight-for-the-underdog me and all my imperfections. He loves me just the way I am. That's good because I ain't changing for anybody except myself. And I kinda like me, even if his family doesn't.

Still, it would be so nice to have family that we didn't have to be on our guard with. But Hubby being transparent with me and his feelings has just made a huge difference in me. I feel empowered. I feel like my feelings are justified. I also feel like crying. I think it's the combination of relief that I'm not (completely) crazy and sorrow for Hubby. He refused to see what I have been pointing out all along, but not because it wasn't true. It was because he didn't want to accept the pain that came with that truth. How could a mother love one child over another. It doesn't seem fathomable to us that would never dream of it. So how could it be? We don't know... We also don't know how to deal with it.

Update: Hubby says he is sure his mother loves him, but it's how she treats me and the kids that hurts the most.

See how much I have to talk to my therapist about today?

(((hugs)))

16 comments:

  1. If you and your ever loving husband, enjoy what you do in life. Do it to your hearts content. I'm with you 100% percent.

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    1. Thank you. We are doing what makes us happy. GMIL can go stick it! ((hugs))

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  2. Hang in there.. I have a monster of an in law family and it's so very hurtful at times.
    My Hubby know it and after all these years, sees them for how they really are. He feels bad about how they treat me and my one daughter (yet they show favoritism to another...).

    It's horrible having to be on the defense all the time and stressful!

    Hope you get some good time in with the therapist! Letting things go whether on paper, blog or by mouth is a great relief!

    -Emi

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    1. Hi Emi!
      It's a bummer to have family like that. All we can do is make sure we don't follow in their footsteps. Seeing the therapist was helpful, but she's also a big meanie. She wants me to set boundaries and not prepare snarky comebacks for when they upset me next time. Ugh... Why's she gotta make me grow up??
      ((hugs))

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  3. Ugh, I'm so sorry. I have a mil just like your gmil. Luckily, we live very very far away. My poor sil who lives across the street has nearly had her marriage end over it. The best thing you can do is love yourself in those moments, since you're not getting it from anyone else. HUGS!!!!

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    1. Thankfully Hubby is loving me no matter what. Also grateful the kids have no idea what's going on. ((hugs))

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  4. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Family interactions are sticky at best, especially with people like that. As long as your hubby loves you the rest will be okay. I'm sorry you are both hurt by this. Just remember to consider the source.

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    1. The "source" has money and therefore thinks she can dictate what others do. But that's all she has is money. She doesn't have friends. Her family can barely stand her. There is no love in her life. But the whole family is money driven. I came from poverty. I'm doing quite well by my standards! ((hugs))

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  5. I'm sorry you have to put up with this sort of attitude and that you are both hurt by it. Family can be so difficult. At the end of the day what matters is that you and your hubby love each other and are happy and that your children are happy.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. And everybody is happy for sure! Thanks so much. ((hugs))

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  6. Bah...sorry you dealt with this on Easter Sunday with what sounds like a group of people who by character and belief should be behaving very differently!

    At the end of the day all we can do is change things in our own generation, in our own families. You are teaching your children differently and they will be your legacy.

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    1. You would think they would behave, wouldn't you? No such luck. That's okay. They give us the example of what not to do. ((hugs))

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  7. What a horrible way to live your life, I feel very sad for the GMIL. You know what they say,sweetie - you can choose your friends, family you don't get any options. Living your life happily is the only thing you can do....
    Glad you and hubby connect well over it though :)
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Hiya Lillie. (((((((hugs))))))
      We talked about it at great length and decided that we will no longer share information with his family. If they ask, we just tell them that things are going well and everyone is happy. That's all they need to know...

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  8. You know most times you start out behind the 8 ball as the daughter in law to begin with. It is not right, and for the most part *I* never experienced it, but I saw it in my own family.

    Also not right that your husband should have to defend his wife to his family. Sigh, such a difficult position to be in, although in theory it shouldn't be. It should be cut and dry. Choosing the right side, not just the wife side. Easier said than done.

    Positives. He acknowledged. Hopefully next time he'll be more aware. Susie is right you are teaching your kids differently also a positive.

    If it is possible this next time Granny opens her cake hole remember

    **Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths**

    ( sorry I'm a little feisty as of late )

    love willie

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    1. Willie, I'm inviting you over next time we have to spend time with her. You can tell her where to stick it! Lol!!
      (((hugs)))

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