I am so Sorry and The 3-4 Day Cruise

First, I would like to apologize to Hubby. I am so sorry I have been impatient and disrespectful. I have completely lacked the understanding of your situation. You are right. You've spent all these years thinking one way and I need to give you more than just a couple days to change that thinking. You are a bright and determined and helpful man. I need to be patient and respectful. I need to not call you out in public. I need to not accuse you of things that aren't true. I am truly sorry for my behavior. I will talk to you about problems first. I will not bring them up to others until I do so. I know now that not only do you read the links I send you, but you read my blog as well. I am sorry I accused you otherwise. I didn't know and I should've asked first. I haven't been the submissive wife I should be and I will make an effort to change that, just as you are making efforts to be the HoH. I am sorry I was defiant. I am sorry I was disobedient. I am sorry I was disrespectful. I am sorry I distanced myself. I am grateful you can see the changes in me as I work to better myself. As I said, I don't know who this person is that I am now, but she's better than I used to be before I started making these changes. I love you so much. Thank you for your understanding and for calling me out. Thank you for not settling for "I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone." You stood your ground and made me talk to you instead letting me shut down and clam up for a week. You held me as I cried and cried and cried. You are amazing and I am sorry if I lead anyone to think otherwise.

Second, I would like to apologize to all of my readers. I was wrong. Hubby said that you all gave me very good advice. He thinks I have very good friends here and he doesn't want me to sever these connections. He does, however want me to take 3-4 days off from blogging and reading blogs to focus on what is important. He told me my blog title should be "Taking a Cruise" because I would be gone from here that long. I also apologize for anything I said that might have lead you to believe that my husband is something other than the wonderful man that he is. I am the one at fault here. He was even so gracious as to not be angry with me for the things I accused him of. He is so loving and I have no excuse for my behavior. I am so sorry for the things I said and for leading you to believe he is anything less that the wonderful husband he has always been. From my previous words, you would never know what an amazing man he is and how loving and patient he has been with me through all these years. You, my sisters, have given me such great advice and I have been a fool not to heed it. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking at the knowledge that I have been so horrible. I will spend my "cruise" thinking about how I can be a better wife, and a better "sister".

Believe me when I tell you that I am hormonal, over-reactive, and completely selfish. My husband tells me that I need to learn to forgive myself. He is right. I continually beat myself up over how I'm not good enough and wallow in my self pity, instead of trying to be a better person. We are working on this together. We are partners in this. I need not go it alone. And he needs to be able to count on me too.

Sisters and friends, I will see you when I get back from my "cruise" and I will hopefully be a better person for it. (((hugs)))

PS> Feel free to leave a comment. I will read them in my email and will get back to you after my short hiatus.

More Heartache and a Letter to Hubby

I think ttwd is ttwdd (don't do). I think that whatever it is that I desired so badly isn't going to happen after all. I asked Hubby this morning what were the consequences of breaking rules or not getting things done. I had this feeling that it wasn't what I had asked for and when he confirmed it, I shut down. I can still feel this whirling storm of hurt from my heart to my toes. I am so disappointed and can hardly breathe. So I decided to write a letter to Hubby here, because he's not going to read it anyway. Please understand that most of this is out of frustration and anger.

Dear Hubby,

I can't even describe the level of hurt I feel right now. It took every ounce of courage I had to tell you my deepest desires. Then you rejected me. I let it go, and then I was patient with you, and then I was patient some more. We experimented with erotic spanking, and it has been amazing. While I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's not what I asked you for. More patience. And finally, you agree to try this thing I need so desperately.

This morning you broke my heart again. I asked you what would happen if I broke a rule or didn't complete my chores and you gave me the wrong answer. It was like you rejected me all over again. When you asked what it was that I wanted, I clammed up, shut down, and pretended to go back to sleep. I told you what I wanted again and again. I sent you links. I've done everything I can to communicate with you and you just aren't listening. Gosh, if you would have just read the Letter to the HoH link I sent you, you would have understood completely. What the hell? You make me wonder why I even bother talking to you.

The only reason I am writing this here is because I know you won't read it.   I'm sorry, but if you had a blog that talked about your innermost feelings I would read it again and again and again just to feel as close to you as possible. So I'm left with feeling like you don't care, that you aren't interested in my needs, and my heart is breaking. I'm in shutdown mode and I don't want to talk to you anymore about it. You aren't listening anyway. And I can't take another refusal from you.

So if I'm quiet the rest of the day, you'll just have to put up with it. I'm angry and hurt and frustrated and tired and I just want to give up on even trying this thing. You don't want it and I can't make you. Just forget I even asked and we will move on.

I love you with all of my heart and always will. I just wish I had never even brought it up. Now I can add embarrassment to my list. Please just ignore the last few months. I'm going to try to put it behind me. 

I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've wasted your time and mine.

****UPDATE: Please see my latest post. Thank you.

Heart Ache and Guilt

My heart aches. I feel a bit like a teenager on a hormone roller coaster. I'm up. I'm down. I'm up again. And back down we go. Somethings been bugging me the past couple days. I have this guilt that's been nagging at me. My heart just hurts and I want to cry. I look at my house and I see failure. Failure as a mother. Failure as a wife.

I had just gotten home from dropping the kids off at a friends neighborhood pool. It was late, I was hungry. Hubby had just gotten home as well and was getting himself ready to join the kids at the pool. I don't go because I don't like to see myself in a bathing suit. Hubby mentions that it looks like a tornado hit the house. I told him about the kids' big idea to make kitty forts everywhere they could. But our room looked the same. Just our stuff cluttered all over. When did this happen?

I stepped over all of it and laid in bed, reading a story on my phone. Hubby came in and asked what I was doing. I said that I was reading a story. He mumbled something and sighed heavily. Less than a minute later, he came back into the room and scolded me. He said that it seems all I ever do is blog (case in point) or read blogs or stories and it's become an obsession that takes over everything else. He very firmly told me he needs my help. I said okay and got up to start picking some stuff up off my side of the bed. I'm not done by any means, but I just look at all this and see failure. It makes me feel rather depressed. And then to have Hubby yell at me like that...

Well, I am proud of him for finally saying something. Normally he just goes into the other room and fumes quietly. But my heart just hurt even more when he did that. All I could/can do is beat myself up about it. I am a big fat failure and I can't do anything right even if I were to get up off my big fat ass and do something. I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't wanna I. Don't. Wanna. My heart hurts. I just want to cry. Only the tears won't come. Just the pain in my chest. And I want it gone. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

What is it? Why so much guilt? Why can't I get rid of it? Why does my heart hurt? Why do I have a persistent nagging headache? Why? I think that if I could rid myself of the guilt, I wouldn't have a headache or the pain in my chest or the desire to do nothing.

What do you do with your feelings?

Procrastinating Again

There are days when I'm not really sure what to write. I don't want to lose my blogging momentum either. So I will just post random thoughts instead. Welcome to my brain...

My children are driving me nuts. I'm not sure what planet they came from. They are being completely obnoxious and I find myself yelling a lot. Hubby has intervened and told them that under no circumstance were they to ignore me. Yeah, that didn't last long. My daughter will not listen to me. She just keeps pushing me to see if I will do what I threatened. My problem is that I am not consistent with her. What's sad is that I know what I need to do, but in my heart I just don't want to. She needs me to commit to my word. I need to get on it now while she's 5 1/2 and can still have some control. She is so strong-willed, it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I just hate taking stuff away, or not letting her do fun things. I am a horrible example of raising children.

I broke rule #2 yesterday. I didn't mean to. I was at a stop light and I thought I should text my MIL to make sure she's okay with getting stuff taken care to help her mom move to Florida. We don't have the greatest relationship, so when I can get in the little thoughtful things, it helps her get over some of the things she dislikes about me. She's extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative. I see right through her and refuse to play into her games. She hates that about me. Anyway, I didn't even think about when I should be texting her, I just did it when I was at a stop. When I got to where I was going, I texted Hubby to let him know what I did and the circumstances. I told him that I was sorry. I was sick to my stomach actually. I spent all the drive to my destination thinking about how I screwed up less than 24 hours after the rule was made and not knowing what to expect; how hard was I going to get spanked, would I cry, and so on. He texted back that it's okay to text at a red light. Just don't do it while in motion. Phew! Punishment Motivation averted. But that ball of worry, stress, and anxiety was still there. I didn't sleep last night, and I think that was the reason.

Question for you: Do you confess to your HoH, even though you know what that means? Do you hide it until he finds out? How does he know? What I told him yesterday was that I was confessing my "infraction" not because I want to get in trouble, but because hiding it is deceitful. I fully expect to pay the penalty. Or be motivated to to the line. However you want to look at it. I told him that really all the rules will fall under one of the 4 D's. The rule about me being ready to leave by the time he gets home from dropping the kids off is about disrespect and disobedience. I am not showing anyone I work with respect when I saunter in at 11 am. And Hubby has requested repeatedly that I get to work in a timely manner. I should obey him. The rule about texting and driving is obviously about dangerous behavior. I feel that omission is tantamount to lying, and lying falls under dishonesty. Dishonesty really bothers me. It eats at my heart. So I had to confess what I did. Do you do the same?

Hubby had asked me to make up a cleaning schedule for us to follow. My house is in absolute chaos. I am a clutter bug. It's horrible, I know. And I just look at everything and feel so overwhelmed. I would rather just lay in bed, reading blog posts on my iPhone. Nothing gets done. Hubby comes home and is visibly a bit frustrated. He starts cleaning something because he can't stand to look at it anymore and I feel guilty and emotionally beat myself up while hinging in my room. When I showed him the chore list last night I told him that more than any other rule, chores will be the first to get me in trouble. Making the list felt like signing my own death warrant. But he asked me to do it, so I did. I'm sure at some point I will regret it.

I have a headache and am late for church. Hubby has been there all morning (and last night) helping with audio. He has one weekend every month when he serves all 4 services. I was supposed to be there for 10:30 service but I was....drumroll please....reading blogs. Yeah... So I have to leave now to make it in time for the last service. Most of the rest of the month, I will be serving on the worship team as a vocalist, mostly background vocals.

Okay...I really have to go now. Chat with y'all later! ((hugs))

Rolling Aye!

Oh my goodness last night was incredible! It didn't go exactly as planned, it was better. We ate our favorite meal and drank and talked. I had a Drunken Monkey. Apparently it doesn't take much alcohol to make a monkey drunk. Just sayin. I also had my very first Bahama Mama. Yeah...that was much better. After dinner, we took a walk over to the ocean. The sun was setting, but there was just enough light to read. I read my renewed vows to him as the water lapped at our feet. It was the perfect moment.. Hubby said that the scripture I quoted in my vows was exactly what he needed to hear.

We got to the wine shop by 8:30 and they had a private room set up for us. We talked and drank wine. We reminisced about the past 10 years and all the crazy stuff we've done. We circumnavigated the country in an RV with a 4 month old (every time Hubby would start the RV, he would say "Rolling!" to which I would reply "Rolling Aye!" to confirm I was aware of his intent to go). I invented a product and started a business. Hubby got his bachelors and then his MBA. We decided to "Go Big or Go Home" with my product and sold everything except what we could fit in the RV and the SUV, and with a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a cat, we moved from Oregon to Florida.

We talked about the next 10 years and what we'll reminisce about on our 20th anniversary; how our kids will be in high school, our son a senior and our daughter a sophmore. What crazy things will we have done? What adventures would we take? How much will our lives have changed?

It's amazing that after 10 years, we are still getting to know each other. We love each other more and more every day. We've gotten so much closer since we introduced spanking into our lives. Who'd a-thunk it? And now we are talking rules. Rule 1: Get up with the alarm. Be ready to leave for work by the time Hubby gets back from dropping the kids at school. Rule 2 (added just last night): No texting and driving. Both of us do it, but I'm the worst. He said it will be a great rule for both of us. If he texts me and I'm driving, he said to wait until I got to a stop light and text "dr" so he would know that I'm not ignoring him and I will text back as soon as I've gotten to where I'm going. I can see that making rules is a lot easier for him.But I did admit to him that I am curious about the first time I break a rule. I told him that I wouldn't do it on purpose just to find out, but that I wonder what I'm actually in for. So far all of our spankings have been intimate. I think I'm scared to find out what a punishment spanking will be like.

It's been an incredible 10 years so far. We are starting the next 10 years off in a DD relationship and he's driving. Rolling Aye!

Blue Moon Red Moon

I know Hubby doesn't read my blog, but just in case, Happy 10th Anniversary!

Not only is it our aluminum anniversary, but it's also a Blue Moon. Cool...

This morning Hubby gave me the best present ever!!! There was a card with a tin foil heart he cut out followed by sex and a spanking! It was more than amazing. I'm fairly certain that was the best sex we've ever had.  And then this evening he gave me diamond earrings. Oh boy am I spoiled rotten! I gave him a framed picture of a word cloud of the new vows in the shape of a heart. I made it at Tagxedo and used the colors from our wedding.

Tonight we go to a restaurant on the beach, followed by a walk on the beach. Then we go to a small wine shop where I've made a reservation (because the place is always crowded) and that's where I will read to him my (updated) vows. It is going to be a magical evening!

Have a great weekend! (((hugs)))

The Motivator

Well it was bound to happen...

I ordered this paddle I've named "The Motivator" to get Hubby over the word "punishment" and instead think of spanking me as motivation. He seemed to be on board with that. I was looking forward to testing it out for our anniversary on Friday. I didn't plan on what happened instead.

A few days ago, Hubby asked me to make sure we had an idea for meals so he wasn't expected to come up with something at the last minute, especially since we are trying to stick to a particular diet. I agreed and said I would. My little girl has been sick with some nasty virus and has been home from school. I know it's not an excuse. I've been trying to get work done. Also not an excuse. And I've been really tired. I know...I know...not an excuse either.

So today when I texted I was hungry at lunchtime and Hubby texted he was too, I knew the jig was up.

Me: What do you want to do for lunch?

Hubby: Not sure...What are some options?

Me: Crap

Hubby: What's wrong?

Me: I'm doing that thing you told me not to. Not planning. Not having an answer to what's to eat. Answering I don't know. Not caring.

Hubby: Oh... That think :)

Me: Yeah. Good thing the motivator isn't hear yet or I'd be having a date with it tonight.

Hubby: Lol!!!

Me (later): Looks like the motivator will be here today after all. Bummer...

Hubby: :)

Me (even later - from home: The Motivator is here and it doesn't fit in the the shoe box.

Hubby: Nice!!! I'll be easy with it...At first... ;)

So, tonight with be my first punishment motivational spanking. My tummy is tied in knots. The worst part is that I know I deserve it. I take it back...The worst part is having to wait until later. I've got another 3 hours until pants down. Sigh...