One Year Blogiversary!

Yay!!! It's been a whole year since I started this blog. Boy oh boy have things changed in the past year...

I outed myself to Hubby as a Spanko

I was frustrated by lack of intimacy

I shared my fantasies

I shared my needs and desires

There were misunderstandings and miscommunications

There was impatience followed by more impatience

There were corrective actions taken

There were tears or frustration, impatience, and self-pity

Hubby learned a lot about me

Hubby began to see the changes in our relationship

Hubby was confused for a long time

Hubby took the reigns and became HoH

We grew closer

We became more intimate

We tripped and fell several times

We fall in love with each other again and again

Even though we were sidelined from November to March, 5 months of hormonal crap that ended in the removal of my uterus, we found each other again. Now ttwd is normal. Hubby and I TnT once a week, or more if I need it. We are a better couple for it all. We are trying instead of just trudging through the day. We strive to be closer. We want to meet each other's needs and desires. Also, sex is absolutely AMAZING!

I love ttwd and I wouldn't have have it any other way. This is not to say we won't have issues in the future. But we will work through them. We will come out better for them.

Here's to many MANY more years!

And a huge Thank You to all of you for riding this out with me! (((hugs)))

Disastrous Disrespect

Oh boy did I get in trouble the other night! While my excuses (I was hungry, I was on the third day of my diet, and I was very unhappy) were valid, my attitude was not. You see, earlier in the day, Hubby's friend came over and was talking about how his 7 year old daughter has been asked to be a spokesperson for a mega-company. I said that I would love to get our 6 year old daughter into something. Hubby said "NO!" It was firm and that was that. I tried to say something but he just said no again. I left the room, feeling a little hurt and embarrassed. I went to my room and snuggled with my daughter. Hubby came in later and asked what we were up too. I was snippy and snappy but it put an end to the questioning. Before he left, we had a short discussion about dinner. Apparently he forgot the discussion we had in the garage earlier about dinner. So I texted him what I already said, only he never read it.

I laid down and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. When I awoke, I was in a downright pissy mood. I was hungry and where was he with dinner already? I opened the door to the garage to see if he had already left and he was still sitting there with his friend, yukking it up. I was livid. I told him I thought he had gone to the store already and followed it with a "GOOD NESS!!!" before slamming the door. Now he was livid.

Hubby came into the house, told me we needed to talk RIGHT NOW and motioned me into our room. He shut the door and started to lay into me (verbally). I'd never heard him yell so loudly. He wouldn't let me say anything. He scared the crap out of me. I was in trouble and it was BIG. When he stopped yelling, I said I was sorry. He left and I laid in my bed crying. I was so confused by all the emotions bombarding me. I was scared, hurt, confused, but worst of all...guilty. I had brought this on myself. Regardless of me not getting a say and there being some miscommunication, I was undeniably in the wrong.

Later, after the kids went to bed, he was intent on doing a TnT. We hadn't done one in over 2 weeks because of his travel, and his father staying with us a few days. Hubby noticed that without it, I distanced. I try to become independant instead of leaning on him and I get frustrated. I start to feel neglected. I get angry and belligerent. Without this connection, we are lost to each other. He needs me to need him. He said it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. He wants to help me let go of all these negative emotions, especially the one's that I use to tear myself down. He wants us to stay close to each other. I want that too. It's just that getting to that place is the trick. I need consistent maintenance. That's consistent, not constant.

So we both learned a lesson here. I need to watch my attitude. He needs to not neglect me (a topic for which he apologized again and again). I need to respect him. He needs to love on me. And then we will be Happy, Happy, Happy... lol. Couldn't help myself.

One bummer thing happened. The "Closer" broke. I ordered a new one though, and a couple other implements that I will share with you when they arrive.

The moral of the story? Whatever you do my friends...

(you could get a paddle broken on your bum...lol!)

Take care and (((hugs)))

They've Got it Backwards

I've been meaning to write for some time, but with all the community hubbub and personal time being cut short, it's been rough. I also am used to not speaking up about anything because of my business. You learn that you can be an easy target and whatever you say can be misconstrued and used against you and your business, no matter how you meant it. So, I am finally speaking my 2 cents for what it's worth.

First of all, I don't like bullies. They have jumped on the judgemental bandwagon on an attack mission, even though they have no idea what they are talking about or who the people are who've been unfortunately involved. At one point, I yelled at Hubby that it was unfair. These are the same people that believe everything they see on TV. They don't ask questions. They don't think. They refuse logic and common sense. They certainly can't see living a lifestyle other than their own. There is no tolerance. It's sad and unfair and makes me hate dumb people.

Secondly, they've got it all wrong. Mind you, this is my own opinion so don't hate me for saying this as I am just as guilty as the next person. We are products of our parents. How they raised us has a huge impact on how we raise our own children. But what if it's backwards? Excuse me while I postulate the possibility that we aren't meant to spank our children or set them in a corner. What child of that age has the capacity to understand those particular disciplines? Think about what emotions and thought processes you experience as you endure them? A child certainly doesn't understand anything that complex. So why do we equate spanking with a punishment meant for children? As I said, I am guilty of this. I have swatted my children for misbehaving. I don't do it anymore mind you. I have found other means of discipline that suit their individual personalities and it doesn't include physical punishments. It's not because I don't believe in it. It's because my kids don't respond to it. It doesn't carry any weight or meaning for them.

Booooo!

This particular thought process was brought about by watching the interview with the ugly hag that wrote the article. At one point she said that the problem was infantilizing women. I don't know about you, but I don't feel infantilized. This of course made me think of being treated like a child, which in turn made me think of traditional child rearing. While she meant that we are treated as though we can't make our own rules, we can't make our own choices, that we need a husband to beat that into us. She's completely ignorant. She's a media slimeball. As much as I stomp and whine loudly that what she did was unfair, it won't stop her and people like her from doing it again.

And I don't know about you, but I can say with utmost certainty that I am not abused. How about you?

Big (((hugs))) to you and yours, and to all we have loved and lost through this travesty.

Near Misses, Trust, and Motocycles

Since the End of the World and the subsequent stubbornness, things in our life have turned quite the corner. Hubby has been very insistent and consistent with me. He has been telling me what he wants, whether it be for me to be to work on time or for me to do a little wo-manscaping (tmi?). And you know what? I LIKE it.

Now lest you think this is all butterflies and roses, I assure you that it is not. It's more like butterflies and minefields. I have a tendency to dance near the minefields. I almost got in big BIG trouble Thursday morning. I was so tired that I fell back to sleep while Hubby took the kids to their respective summer day camps. I kept waking up thinking that I would get up by 8:15 so I could be ready-ish by 8:30. Nope. 8:30 came and Hubby, who had been waiting outside in his car until then, came in and woke me up with a stern look and voice that had me up and out of bed immediately. He said that he was almost tempted to "help" me get motivated after my shower. I politely declined. Instead, I stood as close to him as I could, my chest touching his belly, and looked up into his eyes, making sure he knew that I am submissive to him and he is dominant over me, even more so with his boots on. This was my "shot across the bow", my near miss. He warned me that the next morning, he would wait until 8:31 and then properly motivate me, bottom first. Not only do I believe him at his word, but I decidedly will NOT test him on it. I do not want a corrective action. Thank you but no.

What has this change in him accomplished for me? Well certainly change in me for one. I don't want to test him. I dread the first time I dance too close to a mine and trip it. My butt, and the ability to sit for the following week, are at stake. I'm no dummy. Well, not usually anyway. Second, I know he cares about me. I am no longer his last priority. I am his first. He is watching me. He is making sure I am obeying him. He is asking me to do things and expecting that they get done. He is demanding my hand to hold in the movie theater. I know I am his, and furthermore, that he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me. ME! This excites me to no end. And you know what else? I trust him. I trust him at his word. I trust him with my heart. I trust him with my life. I belong to him and he to me.

What is it about ttwd that incites so much trust? I've never felt this way about him. Bear with me for a long aside if you will...Shortly before ttwd, I used to take motorcycle rides with Hubby. I hate motorcycles. I hate the idea of them. I really hate Hubby going everywhere on one because I don't trust the other drivers to see him. I've witnessed a motorcycle accident happen right in front of me last year. 4 teenage boys cramped up in a tiny sedan switched lanes without looking and clipped the rider in front of me. His body flipped around like a ragdoll and he hit the guardrail head first. Thankfully he was wearing a helmet. I stayed long enough to ensure he was being properly cared for and that cars didn't needlessly barrel into the wreck. They didn't need another witness when there were a dozen standing around. As soon as the authorities arrived, I made my way home. The teenagers didn't seem to take it very seriously. Disappointing...

I was transported back in time to highschool, to my friend Kelly. He was the only boy I ever knew that had a girls name. We were really good friends until one day he just disappeared. Come to find out later on that he had just lost both of his parents. They were out riding on their motorcycle and having fun, took a corner too fast, and slid on some gravel, killing them both instantly...leaving poor Kelly abandoned, alone, orphaned. He was never the same. He almost acted as if he didn't know me. I'm sure it was the heavy drugs they put him on to mask the pain.

So you see, I have fear behind my hatred of the darn things. They are lacking 2 more wheels and doors...Doors would be nice... I imagine the worst when Hubby is out on that thing. I'm terrified of them. I have to have a couple glasses of wine in order to relax enough to ride. Or at least I did...

We went out for a movie date yesterday to see Iron Man 3. It was a gorgeous day. The motorcycle called to him. I agreed to ride with him, after all, it had been a while. I braced myself for the panic that always arises on such occasions, but it didn't come. I tried to wrap my brain around it. Why am I not afraid? Where is my panic? My anxiety that comes in waves and punches me in the heart at every turn? Vanished. Gone.

In previous rides, before ttwd, I was consciously trying to force trust. Surrendering myself to fate and to my husband's skill did not take away the anxiety. I still tried to force it. I kept thinking that the more I exposed myself to it, the more accustomed I would become and therefore less fearful. But that didn't happen. I was still afraid. Terrified even.  And then along comes ttwd and changes everything.

I spent most of the ride contemplating the "why" until I just gave in and let my arms go out on each side. I imagined that I was flying at a very low altitude, just like the one and only flying dream I've ever had. I was free. I was happy. I was ready to go again.

So I can't exactly answer why I trust. I just do. And I am happy. That's all that matters.

What changes have you experienced since ttwd? Can't wait to read your responses!

(((hugs)))

Stubborn Much?

Yes. Yes, I know... My last post was overly dramatic and apparently quite common. I'm really thinking ttwd needs to come with a manual; a kind of roadmap of what to expect along the way. Proclaiming in frustrated tears that it's all over and you will never return and you will be sad forever and forever is just one of the many dips in the ttwd road to marital bliss. To be fair, I almost called it all off last month too, so I think a lot of it has to do with hormones, at least on my end. Also, it was about May of last year that I had a pretty big breakdown, so it could also be that time of year? Who knows...

Our timeline of decline went something like this:

Sunday night: TnT and new rule
Monday: Break rule
Tuesday: Break rule again
Wednesday: Get angry at Hubby for not noticing that I broke the rule twice. Stay up late fighting. Get nothing resolved.
Thursday: Fight more. Resolve nothing yet again. Sob hysterically together. The end of the world has come. Decide that ttwd is over for us.
Friday: Tearful goodbye post. Gather all implements and anything else that could remind me of ttwd and put in trash bag on bed. Stay in bed all day. Have unproductive lunchtime talk with Hubby. Stay in bed more. Finally have one last talk after kids in bed. Make up. Ttwd back on.

What did I learn from this week of craziness? Oh soooo much! First of all, I am stubborn.

Yep...that's me! I think that ttwd should go one way and that's mine. Hubby disagrees. Once again, this is another reason to not compare yourself to other couples in blogland. I wasn't so much comparing us to other couples, as adding what they had to my list of things I want RIGHT NOW. So while I tell Hubby that I want him to lead me and our merry band of rebels, I want him to lead my way. Huh? What's that? I'm not supposed to control the leader? Who says? Oh...

Next thing you know, all hell breaks loose in my all or nothing world. I'm upset because I need Hubby to make me a priority and pay more attention to me. He's upset because while ttwd is hard for him, especially the spanking part, he just wants to make me happy and that doesn't seem to be happening.

Our final conversation went something like this:

You didn't even go 24 hours before breaking the new rule!

You had no intention of following through!

But you didn't give me a chance.

I gave you two days. And besides, you didn't take the cane with you to work and you weren't in your office where I was supposed to meet you no later than 9:05. You didn't even know where I was.

How was I supposed to know unless you tell me? 

If you paid closer attention to me then you would know.

Well, I'm not a tyrant. But that's what you need, isn't it? That's what you are asking of me?

I don't know. Probably. I just know that I'm not always going to rat myself out. 

Okay. If you need a tyrant, I can certainly try to do that for you. 

A few more words and then I was rolled over for a magnet flipping I requested. He started off with the spoon and decided that was what he was taking to work with him to take care of me if need be. It packs quite the sting, even over jeans. Yeeeeeouch!!!

The down the pants and panties went and it was off to the races. He brought out the closer and told me something that surprised the heck out of me. He wasn't sure how much I needed him to spank and it seemed to him that it was never quite enough. He told me that he was going to keep spanking me until I told him to stop.

He spanked for a very long time. Hard. Over and over. I said ouch and owieeee and yelped and groaned. I twisted and turned. I tried to get out of the way but his hand stayed steadfast on my lower back, holding me in place. He alternated cheeks. He stayed with one for several swats and then went to the other. He sped up. He slowed down. He sped up again. I was breathing hard and fast. My butt was on FIRE. He reminded me that I could tell him to stop any time I felt I had had enough. I am a stubborn one. I wasn't giving in until I was darn good and ready too. Okay, I'm darn good and ready now. STOP!

He laid atop me, his weight reassuring me that he loves me and he's here for me. And that was all I needed. My fight was all gone. It had left me completely. I felt his overwhelming love for me in that moment. I thanked him because I knew how hard that had to be for him, waiting for me to say "stop". I apologized yet again for the trainwreck I caused.

I told him that I would stop trying to make ttwd into something it's not ready to be. We will get there soon enough. It doesn't all happen at once. And it certainly doesn't happen in one rule. He can mold it into what he thinks is best for us (with a little input from me of course) and I will follow his lead.

I will not break rules on purpose, especially since he will have the wooden spoon and he knows how much I can take, which is apparently a lot more that either of us thought.

I will have enough respect for him and myself to give my best effort every day.

I am stubborn. But so is he. (I may be a bit more stubborn though as evident by my purple bottom lol)

And they lived happily ever after...

The End: A Tearful Goodbye

Yes. You read that right. This is the end. It's not "goodbye for now", it's goodbye forever.

The night before last was one of the worst night's sleep either of us has had. First we fought because he was upset that I didn't stand up to him when it came to a business decision. He called me childish and said I should've told him to eff-off instead of backing down. I kneeled and forced myself to stay during the argument, as much as I just wanted to get up and run away.

Later, I brought up the testing incidents. This brought in another round of fighting. There was no "winning" for either of us. We couldn't resolve it. He accused me of playing games. I told him that he was not a man of his word. It's amazing how deeply you can cut someone without so much as a pocket knife. 

Yesterday, our day went okay. We finally started acting congenial with each other. I think that either of us would do anything to get over this issue between us. But it all came to a head last night. I told him we needed to talk and he asked about what. I didn't know where to start. I thought maybe he had something to say to me; something regarding the unresolved issues from the night before. I had emailed him something. I texted him my really bad drawing of how I felt about us and ttwd. I wasn't sure what else to say. I asked for a TnT. But it was almost as if he ignored me.

We fought again. He wanted me talk to him. I shut down, closed up, walls protecting every side. I was spiraling out of control. He was at a loss. It looked like another night of ignoring the elephant in the room. I rolled over and tried to hold back outright sobs. Before I knew it, he was crying too. We sobbed hysterically in each other's arms. He kept saying he was sorry he couldn't be the man I needed him to be. I couldn't believe what I had done. How could I have been so selfish? 

Something in me snapped. I knew that ttwd was over for good. I couldn't do this to the love of my life any longer. I made him cry. What kind of wife am I to hurt him like this? He was, is, and always will be the man I need him to be. I am nothing without him. Nothing! And nothing is worth the hurt that I caused. I am ashamed of myself. 

I used to beat myself up over every little thing. I would tell myself horrible things. Ttwd took all that away. The guilt and anguish disappeared with every swat. I was stronger, and yet somehow weaker. I thought that this was better for me. But it wasn't better for him. He cannot stand to hurt others and as much as he tried to tell himself that spanking was good for me, he couldn't get himself to believe it. 

I cannot and will not try to change him for my own selfish desires. The absolute horror of not being able to calm Hubby down was enough of a wakeup call to me to say that it was time to put a stop to this. Enough is enough. We had a go at trying it my way and it didn't work. I will not risk my marriage, or my husbands mental/emotional well-being for this. I can shut it off. And I have. I took all my implements and threw them away. I've deleted apps for communicating with my online friends off my phone. I am tearfully, yet very willingly saying goodbye to all that I've come to know in the past year. I will never again ask for so much as a swat. While we've gotten so close by this method, we will figure out another way. I am forcing the genie back into his bottle. 

I will leave you with one last thing. This song was playing in my head all yesterday and has yet to stop. It seems that it fit more than I would have liked. We'll get through this. We're not broken, just bent...

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?!

Yesterday, I decided to test my rule about being to the office no later than 9:05 (8:30 is the goal).

What?!?! That's a brand spanking new rule. Why would you do that?

Well. Here's the thing. I don't know. I guess I wanted to test Hubby's resolve. I know. Bad idea. So why did I do it?

I had a lot of thoughts run through my head yesterday morning. "Would he do it? Would he really spank me?" "Really really?" "Would it be like previous corrective actions (prior to our ttwd restart)? A few measured out swats and that's it?" "Or it could be the worst spanking of your life!" "He probably won't do it." "He might..." I checked the implement drawer. Everything was in place. He hadn't taken the cane with him; the promised corrective action implement. "He's not gonna do it." Later I checked the video cameras we have set up at my business. He was there at my assistant's desk working. "He's not even in his office! I would've shown up and he wouldn't have been there. Well, screw him! He never had any intention of going through with it." "Do you really want to test this?" "Yes. Yes I do."

Thoughts continued to roll around inside my thick skull; my angel and devil duking it out on my shoulders. I checked the time. I had 10 minutes to get there. "Plenty of time if you leave now." "Does it even matter?" "You should try anyway" "No! I promised the MIL I would get her nails done today and I have to get them done early so I can pick up the kids. I'm gonna get my nail stuff together. He's not even gonna notice...big jerk head." I decided to go take care of my ticket from the collision I caused. Careless driving. $166 plus whatever the charge to get to take the class, which is a whole other charge. On the drive over, I got a little scared. "You should've at least stopped by. What if you get spanked really Really HARD?" "Nah. He's too busy to deal with me. He probably won't even remember. I think it's safe to say this rule is not getting enforced."

I got a phone call from Hubby at 10. I had just gotten back in the car from the courthouse. He asked where I was. I told him I was just leaving the courthouse. Technically, I lied. Yeah. You know that thing I said I wouldn't do? I actually had been in the parking lot for about 5 minutes playing Candy Crush (Stupid addictive game). Little, itty bitty, teensy weensy, inconsequential, LIE. "Why did you lie?" "I don't know...Shut Up!" I reminded him that i needed to take care of that ticket.

Hubby: Oh yeah. You had to get that done first thing this morning, right?
Me: Well, no...I coulda stopped by...Umm...yes. I had to get it done today.
Hubby: Could you pick me up an Amp on the way to the shop? I only had one cup of coffee and I'm dragging.
Me: Sure.

"I answered him. So what if it wasn't exactly accurate?" "Well now if your pants light on fire from that spanking your going to get for lying, don't blame me!" "Shut. Up!" Yes, I needed to get it done today. Yes, I could've checked into the office first as requested, and done so on time. But my little devil and I were too busy high-fiving to care and Hubby didn't seem to care either. "So there!" *Angel shakes head but gives up and walks away*

I expected at least a little warning about consequences to come. Maybe the tiniest hint? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Would he make me come home for a lunchtime correction? Not enough time to even have lunch together, let alone take care of business. Do I want a spanking? Well, not really. I would much rather be good for Hubby. But I just can't help but test him. At least until I know he will back it up with action. And by action, I mean, make me NEVER EVER want to disobey him again. I need those boundaries; that reassurance that he's paying attention. To know that he'll catch me when I fall and that he'll not let me get away with anything when I fail, especially when I'm testing him.

So there you have it. That's why I did what I did and didn't do what I was supposed to. So what happened? Well...

Nothing. 

Not a word about it. We had a great, uneventful, quiet night. We made love and it was wonderful as always. But no follow-through.

This morning, I have a choice. I can be there as expected, or I can listen to that devil again and do my own thing. "Ugh! I hate these stupid choices." "Really you should try."

Hubby: 8:30? (said with a hint of a warning as he was on his way to take the kids to school)
Me: (grumbling in the affirmative-maybe-unwilling-crankiness)

After he left, I got up and checked the implement drawer. Everything is still in place...

(((hugs)))