Last night was not what I expected. It was so much better. First of all, he chose not to "motivate" me last night, at least not in the way I thought he
Pardon my randomness here: Kids were in bed. We watched half a movie and I was falling asleep. "The Motivator" was not quite fitting into our "vacation" shoe box. I had been fretting about my date with said Motivator because it is brand new and yet to be spanking... We talked a few minutes about the usual parenting/work/broke-down car stuff. And then he rolled me on my stomach.
He rubbed my bottom and we talked a bit. He quickly moved to swats. Then the panties went down and he started swatting again. Next I felt the cool, slightly textured leather paddle (the Motivator) lightly rub my bottom. He began swatting harder and harder. He stayed on one side until I couldn't take it and then the other. He must have spanked for a good 20 minutes. And then it started getting really erotic. I won't go into details. (Lillie might turn all shades of red and we can't have that!)
After we were done, we lay snuggling when he noticed something was wrong. I was not happy. At first I denied it. And then I told him how I struggle with wanting him to take control and make the decisions, and trying to tell him what I needed him to do. We agreed we should have a candlelit sippy-treat (fireball on the rocks) in bed while having this very intense discussion.
Now, let me preface the next part with some pillow talk from two nights before. We were face to face, touching each other (nonsexually) and exchanging sighs when I blurted out that I felt that the spanking we've been doing (stress relief and erotic) has really brought us closer together. He agreed wholeheartedly which I must say absolutely blew me away, but I didn't tell him that. This is how I knew that it was time to bring up this next part of last nights discussion.
So we are cheersing (it's a word because my 7 year old son said it was so there) our fireball shots in mini coke glasses I bought from the Dollar Tree and I started talking. Nothing came out as smoothly as I wanted and I mostly felt like an idiot, but here's what I said. I told him that I love him very much. He said he loved me too and that he was amazed at the trust I had in him earlier when he was sitting on my legs paddling away and I didn't fight him. I just relaxed knowing that he was in charge. I told him that of course I trusted him. I know in my heart he would never intentionally hurt me in any way other than what I allowed. I may be giving him the leadership of our family, but I'm by no means a door mat. I will help him make decisions, but he has the final say. I will be by his side always. We will joke and laugh and have all the fun we had before. There is just this new dynamic, which I believe brings us closer together.
I began to explain that I need him to motivate me. And pain is a surefire motivator. Moreover, fear of pain is a huge motivator. I need him to push me sometimes. I want him to lead me. I want him to spank me when I get it wrong. He said that he was just worried I would think he was an ass. I told him that if he was an ass, I would let him know, but that no, I don't believe he would be an ass. I told him about all the different blogs I've been reading and the amazing advice that I have gotten from Tess. I told him how all of these DD relationships are different. And I admitted that when I first heard about DD, I didn't think that was what I wanted, but now I know I do.
I told him that I need him and that what I need no one else could give me but him. I entrust him with my life. I told him that I wanted to try DD. You know what he said? HE SAID YES!!! So we talked a bit about what this means for us and for our family. Oddly, we also talked about our 5 year old daughter. Hubby was thinking that this is something, that when she came of age and was engaged, that I might talk to her about. He said it because he believes that there will be no going back to the way things were. Even if we did our 30 day trial and decided not to pursue DD, things would never be the same. That thought invokes so many feelings in me; fear, trepidation, happiness, longing, fear, hope.
I hate change. Maybe that's why I am scared of this. But I brought about the change, so in essence, no matter how it works out, I am to blame. I'm happy because it's what I've always wanted only didn't know it until now. But I'm terrified that I am going to screw up our perfect relationship. But I know that I can't go back to the way things were. I need him to care for me in a way that we didn't have before. I think that we were 2 individuals just trying to make it through each day. We leaned on each other for support. But at the end of the day, we were no closer than we were before. While I know that we would always be married, happy or not, because we need each other and love each other deeply, I'm not sure we could attain the level of intimacy that I craved. I guess I can't just settle on what we had. I want more. And now it appears that I will get it.
He ended the night with an encouragement spanking by hand. He told me that I will get up when the alarm goes off. I will help get the kids ready for school. And when he's taking them to school and having breakfast with them, I will shower and be ready to leave for work by the time he got back home. That is exactly what I did. And this evening he told me how proud he was of me for doing all that this morning and all the work I got done today. I told him that I didn't want to disappoint him, and I sure as hell don't want a no-fun spanking with the Motivator for not getting it done.
His one request? Don't call me Sir. I don't like it. Say "yes", or "ok lover" or something, but not "sir." No problem lover!
So there you have it. Hubby is on board with DD and I'm excited and scared, but mostly excited. He loves me. He cherishes me. He protects me. He is mine and I am his. And this? This is the best anniversary present ever.